Is she spoilt or am I jealous?

[zobo90]

Just need a good old whine. I have a 14 yo sister who is 14 years younger than I am. We share a dad but have different mums. When I was growing up, I had next to nothing. I am glad as now in adult life I am super careful in regards to money and am grateful for everything I receive. Later in life, my dad earned (through sheer hard work) a fantastic job with very generous pay. He remarried, had 4 more children whom I adore.

The eldest (14 yo) was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. She gets anything she wants - when she wants it, is very manipulating with the younger children and although mostly has a heart of gold does have a nasty streak. I am very fortunate that my dad pays my phone contract even though I stand on my own two feet for everything else. He insisted that he would buy me any phone just not an iPhone because he doesn't believe in apple products whatsoever and went on a whole tirade about how he would never buy another as they're crap and useless and everything else. However, when little sister asked at Christmas he said yes straight away and then proceeded to get airpods AND an apple Mac too!!!! Alongside this hundreds more had been spent on all sorts of things from Victoria secret underwear (ridiculously priced) to designer clothes and other things.

For Christmas, I got a pair of pyjamas and a candle which I am more than grateful for. She noticed this and kept on continuously flaunting her new stuff in my face saying things like "if you want an iPhone still, you can have mine" and "I wouldn't dare wear Primark knickers like you, I wear VS only". I have a job which pays moderately so I spend within my means.

When I turned 18, I didn't have any savings accounts and saved up for my house on my own without any help from my dad, he would have happily helped but I didn't feel I needed it. I also bought my first car recently on my own. I know sis has a bank account with tens of thousands in already to put towards a house when she is older.

Am I jealous? I know I would have loved the luxuries she has at her age. I've tried to explain about my upbringing so she can understand how fortunate she is but she doesn't listen. I also know my dad loves us both the same and that's the most important thing. I don't know whether to talk to my dad about how put out I am feeling or even how to broach the subject without sounding absolutely petty!

It sounds like his wife is doing the shopping and buying more for her own daughter than a step daughter. Which is logical but a bit shit. And he's just excusing himself from any responsibility by not getting involved.

For what it's worth my parents are obsessed with fairness and we (siblings and now also our partners) get £100, and have since we were kids. I don't see why you'd automatically get less when you're older, unless you all have kids of your own.

@chocolatefudgecake17 - that really is shitty. Good for you for taking the 'sod you' attitude.
How bloody horrible of your parents.

I think you have a father problem not a step sister problem.

It is somewhat normal for younger siblings to get an easier ride as parents live and learn.

However, as you two are step siblings and the economic circumstances of both homes seems to vary considerably then the normal differences take on a whole other sheen.

This will continue and get worse as adults imo - think kids, deposits for houses etc.

Ask for financial help in the big ticket items like downpayment for a home, car etc. Do not would not refuse any help that is offered. That will go a long way to helping you emotionally. It will also help you practically. (By the sounds of it help WILL be offered to step kids).

Asking/accepting can be difficult, especially if you are hoping to shine by being good with money and not asking for anything. Practically, it means that you are positioning yourself as an equal to d s sis, to your dad for example but most importantly, for yourself.

Re your step sister. You are not there to educate her (eg - different circumstance in the family etc). You are an older sister. Take that role and leave all others. She may turn out to be a wonderful presence in your life when she has out grown this phase. Or she may not.

Work on yourself. Establish YOU as equal both to your father and to yourself. It will be a long, step by step process but worth it!

I think it is odd your father still pays for your phone when you are nearly 30!

I also think it is normal to spend less on a 28 year old than a 14 year old and VS knickers for teens are like calvin klein - a nice treat and not inappropriate at all.

Often younger children get a 'better deal financially' growing up than their older siblings. My children all have the same father but we are a lot more financially comfortable now than when my eldest was born. Hence youngest will benefit from more holidays etc. That's just life really.

Also OP, what did your mother buy for you for Christmas?

Op I can totally relate. We didn’t have a great deal growing up, although my mum did her best for us, but when I see what the kids in our family get now I’m pretty shocked at the ‘no expenses spared’ attitude, that just didn’t seem to be there when I was a kid.

For example, it seems to be the norm to put £50-100 in a Xmas card for kids now whereas we were lucky to get a tenner in ours- and we were grateful for it! How times change...but yes I agree your step sister sounds very spoilt- but sadly so are most kids these days.

You're jealous yes, and rightly so! Ur dads a piss taker!

well your sister's still a child, you're not. She's benefitting from him being better off. I had a similar situation and didn't mind at all.

And you're 28 now. He pays your mobile contract?

I think you are jealous. But really you're a grown up now and you can't expect anything from parents.

To be fair, you are a full blown adult at 28, of course you will be treated differently present wise etc. Why does he pay your phone contract?!

I think having a gap of 14 years means she isn’t really a sibling, more a close blood relation. You have no shared memories of growing up together. You were an adult when she began recording memories. You need to work on reducing your rivalry issues you are feeling towards her, for your own sake.

is very manipulating with the younger children and although mostly has a heart of gold does have a nasty streak.

All these things can’t be true. If she is manipulative (to younger children!) and nasty then she doesn’t have a heart of gold. She just puts on an act. For more manipulative purposes.

She does sound spoilt. But you’re 28 and your dad still pays for your phone contract?

She's a 14 year old girl, I think casting her as manipulative etc, is a bit much. She's a teenager, she's still got a lot of growing up and change ahead of her.

For people saying that no one does their child a favour by spoiling them.. my niece, 19, is obscenely spoiled by her dad always has been. This will continue right throughout her life till she inherits from him (has millions covering a broad range of investments so v safe).

She is forging a career in her hobby which she loves. Where exactly does she lose out?

@bbcessex thank you, it is a terrible way to treat your children. It's my birthday soon and it'll be the same or worse😂 fuck them, it says a lot about them.

Why on earth is your father paying your phone contract at your age?

It’s not uncommon for second families, when a parent is older and more successful financially, to have more money spent on them. It’s not fair, but then life’s not fair.

The 14 year old is being spoilt now but she will have to fund herself and her own iPhone eventually without the tools of frugality habitual to you OP.

I would step back a bit and stop comparing yourself to a teenage girl - you’re an adult woman with her own life - you can buy your own iPhone. It is a bit undignified for an adult to be taking the ‘snot fair she got a better present than me’ line. You have your own income.

Ibizafun I hope he is lavishing her with skills in emotional intelligence, empathy, compassion and compromise - she will need these for her intimate relationships and friendships if her life is to be stable and fulfilled. Money doesn’t fill that hole or save anyone from that pain.

OMG! I can not believe the amount of people siding with you! YOU are an adult SHE is a child. As an adult you should be standing on your own two feet and not expecting expensive presents from daddy. Grow the fuck up and stop being jealous of a CHILD!

Maybe the phone contract was a gift? My ex paid his eldest daughters phone contract- as a birthday present. I totally get where your coming from, my dad gave my brother and sister money for Christmas. Myself and my child, his only granddaughter got absolutely nothing. She may be younger, she’s treated very differently- I don’t think is fair x

Gutterton just because my niece doesn’t have to worry about money doesn’t mean she does not have emotional intelligence, empathy and compassion, she has those in abundance. She might be spoilt materially but she’s a good kid.

Ibizafun I am delighted that the adults in your DN life have proactively role-modelled, prioritised and passed on these skills to her - that’s all she needs. Not sure that the OP’s DF was as successful with either of his daughters.

Could just be a maturity thing 14 can be a vile age.. for her to even think about boasting to her adult sister is a bit warped to be honest- can only hope she grows out of it.

Were the same age. You're an adult. Of course you're not going to have the same amount of gifts as a child who lives at home!

That's basically what I would expect at Christmas/ Birthdays.

And if you're still jaded add up how much your phone costs and throw that into the mix.

We have the same dynamic in my house - me and DS are older and had a very different childhood / attitudes to money than younger siblings. Years later despite DP paying for house deposits for the younger ones me and DS are still richer because our attitudes to money are better and (in my case) married partners with similar attitudes.