Is she spoilt or am I jealous?

[zobo90]

Just need a good old whine. I have a 14 yo sister who is 14 years younger than I am. We share a dad but have different mums. When I was growing up, I had next to nothing. I am glad as now in adult life I am super careful in regards to money and am grateful for everything I receive. Later in life, my dad earned (through sheer hard work) a fantastic job with very generous pay. He remarried, had 4 more children whom I adore.

The eldest (14 yo) was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. She gets anything she wants - when she wants it, is very manipulating with the younger children and although mostly has a heart of gold does have a nasty streak. I am very fortunate that my dad pays my phone contract even though I stand on my own two feet for everything else. He insisted that he would buy me any phone just not an iPhone because he doesn't believe in apple products whatsoever and went on a whole tirade about how he would never buy another as they're crap and useless and everything else. However, when little sister asked at Christmas he said yes straight away and then proceeded to get airpods AND an apple Mac too!!!! Alongside this hundreds more had been spent on all sorts of things from Victoria secret underwear (ridiculously priced) to designer clothes and other things.

For Christmas, I got a pair of pyjamas and a candle which I am more than grateful for. She noticed this and kept on continuously flaunting her new stuff in my face saying things like "if you want an iPhone still, you can have mine" and "I wouldn't dare wear Primark knickers like you, I wear VS only". I have a job which pays moderately so I spend within my means.

When I turned 18, I didn't have any savings accounts and saved up for my house on my own without any help from my dad, he would have happily helped but I didn't feel I needed it. I also bought my first car recently on my own. I know sis has a bank account with tens of thousands in already to put towards a house when she is older.

Am I jealous? I know I would have loved the luxuries she has at her age. I've tried to explain about my upbringing so she can understand how fortunate she is but she doesn't listen. I also know my dad loves us both the same and that's the most important thing. I don't know whether to talk to my dad about how put out I am feeling or even how to broach the subject without sounding absolutely petty!

I'd have a chat with your dad and explain how her behaviour is making you feel.

Why is a 14 year old wearing Victoria secrets underwear. She is far too young. X

Whilst she does sound like an entitled brat and not particularly likeable, that in itself is not a crime and she’s just one of many who behave like that.

Your dad panders to her far too much. But that is a poor parenting choice which ultimately will reflect badly only on him and her. She will continue to move into adulthood with a sense of entitlement and not realising the value of things, and he will continue to fork out his hard earned cash for rubbish that she wants.

I mean this in the kindest way, but from your perspective I think this is just something you need to get past. You aren’t going to change her, and you can’t tell him how to spend his money. The fact remains also that you are an adult and she is still a child, and you will be treated differently.

You are a victim of poor timing. Just for comparisons sake, I have 2 siblings. There were very large age gaps between us all (punctuated by miscarriages and other events, as told by my mother) and as a result I (the eldest) am 17 years older than my youngest sibling. Whilst we are close and both experienced the luxury of loving parents, our upbringings were quite different. There wasn’t much money when I was young, but by the time my sibling came round my father had developed a very successful business and became fairly wealthy. As a result, that sibling has been spoilt rotten.

I don’t have any issues about this. It is what it is. It was all down to timing, and in any event, I am more proud of my own independence - I moved out at 18 and paid my own way, whilst my sibling is approaching 30 and still leaning heavily on parental funding. There are much more important things to learn and attain than iPhones or designer underwear.

Yes she's a spoilt brat and you are not being treated fairly by your dad.

It doesn't matter that you are older, he should treat you similarly. IMO.

You clearly lilove your dad, but be real. Your present was not great and deep down you know it.

Sounds like he has never done much for you, so why should now be any different in his mind?

Your Dad is the problem. Tell him the gift isn’t the problem it’s the disparity and his two faced ness over the iPhone that irritates you and suggests that he values you differently.

His parenting of his other children is his own rod he’s creating but Disney parenting is a disservice to his oldest.

I think you will be better able to cope with life in the long term while your sister will struggle but I can absolutely understand if you resent the differences in treatment. Try not to feel jealous though as you are the one who will be better off by being more independent and having a good value system.

I'm another who finds it very strange that a 14 year old wears or even wants to wear VS underwear. Why has she even thought about that type of underwear? Who the heck buys that for a child? I might raise that as an issue with my father if he is actually buying it.

I think you're a bit jealous, but I'm not sure most people wouldn't be. And someone upthread suggested you'd help yourself by owning the fact that you're not grateful for the gift, in comparison to your sister. Again, you're not unreasonable. And I think you are grateful for the gift if it were a standalone thing, only it's hard to be in the context of seeing what your sister gets.

I think you might want to tell him you know he loves you the same and he's always done his best for you but it's really hard to always have to have had, and to continue having less than your siblings when your sister rubs your face in it. That she's noticed he's treating you differently shows it's not all in your mind either.

You can get 'normal' underwear at VS i don't think it's that unusual at 14. I know my sisters at that age preferred a certain brand of underwear and hated the idea of packs of underwear from target etc.

I think she has a lot of growing up to do at 14 and no one can say how she will be when she's older, i get posters are trying to make you feel better but it seems wrong to do it by tearing down a kids character.

Your present in comparison was shit, it obviously does bother you and you should talk to your dad about it. Expecting the same amount to be spent on a 28 year old adult as a 14 year old is unrealistic, they could have put more thought into your present though.

It's an injustice thing, not a jealousy thing (shocked that you're having a phone contract paid for as an adult, though- sorry!).

I don't know that it's unjust. Adult children who are working and living independently do get less than child siblings, don't they? They're harder to buy for and don't "need" things bought for them.

He pays her phone contract and she says he'd have happily helped if she'd asked over the deposit.

So, yeah, the younger sister sounds spoilt and obnoxious, but teens often are a pain in the arse and grow out of it.

Why did you not accept the deposit and now painting yourself as being unfairly treated? Seems like you want to appear the good daughter but complaining about it.
Put it into perspective- you are almost 30years working and living independently, why does your dad need to provide anything for you. And a almost 30year old whinging about a 14yo - its embarrassing. Times have changed when your dad could afford different lifestyles.
He offered a deposit and still pays your phone bill. I think its more you than your sister who sounds spoilt.

Speak to your dad, she is spoil, and he's not being fair

Your father is an idiot, but that's not unusual frankly. Particularly when they have a second family (I speak from bitter experience). It's like they forget they actually already have children ...

And you are the eldest - we have it tough - we are the first to do everything and usually our parents make it quite tough for us.

But be really proud that you have got where you are on your own hard work & merit OP - be really proud of that. And that you are a hard-working likeable person.

Your 14 yo sister - not so much .... but she's only 14 and she'll learn.

If you thought it was worth it, you could have a calm chat with your father. But work out what you want to achieve by that - do you want the material goods & gifts? Do you want him to recognise the unfairness? Do you want him to show his approval & pride in you?

Think about what it is you'd like you & your father to understand together and see if you can talk to him about that.

Good luck

As an adult I don’t think it’s unreasonable that your sister received more than you. She is, after all a child. She does sound exceptionally lucky but also not too different from what others her age receive. Plus your Dad now has the funds to give her these type of gifts where as when you were younger he didn’t. It also sounds as if you were ever in financial difficulties he would be there to help you out. I wouldn’t be put out by this. It would completely different if you were 16 and she 14 and you received the gifts you did.

My 20 years younger sister got AirPods, concert tickets and a load of other bits..I got pyjamas. same parents. I went halves on a present for them with my brother. Cost me 100. He's not much younger than me. They spent about 200 on him. I'll be giving them wine and biscuits next year.

As an adult I don’t think it’s unreasonable that your sister received more than you. She is, after all a child

Logically maybe so.

But in families, money & gifts are symbolic of love, care & attention.

Poor OP to be shown so clearly were she is in her father's priorities ... I think a calm conversation pointing out that this is what it feels like to the OP might shock her father and make him think a little more carefully (rightly so).

You are being treated very unfairly
What you have been given is not good enough.
Your being treated like a second class citizen.your dads not a kind thoughtful father

Op, you're knocking on thirty, she's 14. I can't believe someone said you should be treated the same. You shouldn't. She can't stand on her own two feet, she should.

You're jealous. You want what she has. You want the stuff she gets. You're not grateful for what you get, because you want her stuff.

She's a kid. You're a grown woman. You really need to understand that and that your dad shouldn't be paying your phone contract or buying your phones at this age.

I don’t see why VS underwear is so weird for a 14 year old to have? But yeah, I think you need to have a conversation with your dad. Just say to him that you were hurt at how your sister spoke to you, and that the points she raised touched a nerve. I do wonder though who bought the presents - I have had very different Christmas and birthday presents depending on my dads partner at the time!

She's spoilt, you're jealous (I would be too), but she is also jealous of you. Your issues are with your dad, not a 14yo girl.

I am in a similar sibling position to you, and your sister is definitely jealous of how much your dad loves you/his eldest so she will react OTT to you. He probably talks about you a lot when you're not there which bothers her. She is young though, give her a break x

and your sister is definitely jealous of how much your dad loves you/his eldest so she will react OTT to you

I know you're just trying to be nice and make her feel better. But cmon, this is a major stretch.

Your sister is the way she is because of her upbringing. Your dad's a dick.

I also know my dad loves us both the same

What's the evidence for that?

What's the evidence for that?

Presumably it's based on how he treats her normally and makes her feel, not on the basis of not very exciting Christmas presents.

Hi OP

In the nicest possible way, you are a 28 year old woman with a good job, her own home, and your dad still pays your phone contract. That's a little bit strange.

Your half sister is 14. I think you need to focus on separating yourself from your dad's virtual apron strings a bit. I imagine there is a lot of hurt and shut away feelings you maybe still need to address from your younger years.

Your younger sister may well need your dad's money in the future - it will be a lot harder for her generation to get on the property ladder than yours (although you've done very well indeed to do so).

She's still a child - of course she will get her phone, laptop etc as presents - she will need one or other for school and doesn't have income.

Of course she will have VC Pink for knickers & bras etc... loads of teens do, it's about fitting in at her age and her parents still buy her pants for her.

Absolutely no need for her to know what knickers you wear !!

Step away as much as you can until the comparisons annoy you less. You're standing on your own two feet - that's something to be hugely proud of.
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