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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal to always bite?

49 replies

plumpmom · 27/12/2019 16:32

Me and DH have been married a long time and have small kids. Things haven’t been great the last couple of years but with counselling we’ve worked through a lot of issues. I’ve realised that I’m “agreeable” which is why our relationship has worked. Since I’ve started trying not to be a doormat and get some of my needs met is when things have gone south. Anyway, I’ve noticed that he doesn’t talk to me properly. Is this normal in a long marriage? Snappiness? Grumpy responses? During normal day to day conversation? Whatever I say he’ll come back with a response that isn’t even related to the topic I’m discussing but is some sort of back handed swipe. It’s all very low level but it seems like he can’t answer a question from me without getting a dig in. What is this? For example, I asked if some leftover food in the fridge would get eaten (wondering if I need to chuck it out) and he immediately jumped down my throat about the fact that I’d just gone food shopping. The two things aren’t related! I just wanted a yes/no answer! Can anyone throw any light on this please or give me tips on how to handle/reply to these sort of verbal derailments/attacks. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
plumpmom · 27/12/2019 17:54

Anyone?

OP posts:
Ihavethefinalsleigh · 27/12/2019 17:57

Your DH sounds like an arse, quite honestly. I would not put up with that in a million years. He's bullying you, get out now. Flowers

noego · 27/12/2019 17:58

No its not normal. Does he have a MH issue?

MrsMozartMkII · 27/12/2019 18:00

Not normal.

Either he's an arse or he sees there being a problem and that's how he's responding to it.

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 27/12/2019 18:02

Why do posters suggest a man who is a bully, has a mental health problem? I've seen it before on here. I honestly don't think that the way that @plumpmom's DH is behaving can be blamed on a mental health problem.

Panpastels · 27/12/2019 18:03

I can be like this when I'm pissed off about something (not acceptable I know).

madcatladyforever · 27/12/2019 18:04

Divorce him he's a twat.He wants a passive doormat not a normal woman with wants and needs.

Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2019 18:04

No it's not normal. He sounds angry and resentful. I'd ask him why he thinks it is ok to speak to you that way. Then I'd probably leave. You deserve far better.

Ridiculousanx · 27/12/2019 18:12

Actually, I think it's normal! Sometimes, with "agreeable" people you have to be super alert to hints and reading between the lines because they never come out and say it. So, "will these leftovers be eaten?" Is potentially really loaded, depending on the person/situation. But yeah, he should chill.

Puta · 27/12/2019 18:16

He doesn't like you. He's just too chickenshit to come right out and say it.

Original poster
plumpmom · 27/12/2019 18:20

I’ve asked before. He denies he’s said it or just does the storming off in a mood/wounded animal thing. Then I’m also angry or crazy...it varies. It’s impossible to have a calm, resolving discussion about anything like that or any issues that i raise. I know that if I said to him tonight “can I just ask why you said that to me about the food. I feel it was a negative reaction and I felt as though you were biting at me” he would become immediately defensive and bite even worse. I have no idea how to get any concerns/needs/issues resolved without it involving silent treatment/tension/deflection etc etc

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2019 18:22

Ok, so what do you want to do? This is who he is. Are you prepared to live the rest of your life like this? It sounds absolutely horrendous.

Original poster
plumpmom · 27/12/2019 18:26

@Ridiculousanx I’m interested in your response. How can “will the leftovers be eaten” be loaded? Surely it’s a simple yes or no discussion? Or a starter discussion for how long they’ve been in there and are they still safe. How do I ask any black/white question (yes/no) if I’m immediately jumped on or assumed to loading it? Is that because he does load things so assumes that’s what I’m doing? I feel like he’s “acting” a lot of the time and when I try to have a proper discussion about feelings or emotions or things that have gone on then it’s boom! Volcano time. How is it possible to be married without being able to lay cards on the table sometimes. I’m just very perplexed and feel a bit stuck. It’s making me depressed and unsure and down. When I see my friends we have good old chats about everything and anything. Shouldn’t it be like that with your loved one?

OP posts:
Original poster
plumpmom · 27/12/2019 18:27

I guess I’m just trying to understand why it’s like this. Is it passive aggressive? Then when he’s gone outside and had a cigarette he calms down and he’s super nice and friendly! It’s like walking on eggshells!

OP posts:
Ihavethefinalsleigh · 27/12/2019 18:41

Being horrible to you and then super nice and friendly is a real sign of domestic abuse. No one should have to live like this.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 27/12/2019 19:24

If you have to walk on eggshells you are living with an abuser.

HelloDeidre · 27/12/2019 19:38

He has anger issues.My brother has anger issues with his wife. We grew up in a very angry house. Men revert to anger as a defense mechanism
Anything can annoy them, set them off . There is the combination of feeling smothered and fedup. However none of it should be excused or accepted

Stand up to him and say "Please do not talk to me like this.it is unacceptable " or " Whatever is your problem sort it out...I just asked about the leftovers "

Then suggest a long hard talk about how he is behaving like a dick and you together need to do something about it

It doesnt help when people are thrown together 24/7 esp over Christmas
But dont let him away with it and tell him its not on

IM0GEN · 27/12/2019 19:41

I have no idea how to get any concerns/needs/issues resolved without it involving silent treatment/tension/deflection etc etc

That’s the point! He’s training you to STFU , do as he wants and never raise any of your needs/ concerns.

Sn0tnose · 27/12/2019 19:58

I think that the only way your marriage is ever going to work is if you never say anything without considering whether it’s possibly going to upset or annoy him. Never voice any of your own opinions (unless, of course, they match his). Never let him see you’re not happy with things. Make sure that he comes first in every aspect of your life together.

The only way you are ever going to be happy is to leave this abusive bully and get him out of your life as much as you can. If you’re walking on egg shells, how long is it going to take before your DC realise they aren’t allowed their own opinions and start doing the same thing?

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2019 20:31

I guess I’m just trying to understand why it’s like this

Sorry to be blunt, but a) it's because he doesn't love you and b) because he can

He's no need to change. What are you going to do?

Cacklingmags · 27/12/2019 21:19

He is an abusive man. He is abusing you. You are being abused. So sorry OP, there is no better way of putting this. Good luck finding your way out.

mamato3lads · 27/12/2019 21:21

I disagree with the above. He probably does love you but when you go from agreeable to a bit more assertive he cant handle it. Mines the same. If I'm.doing everything "right" were all good but fuck me if I do something he doesn't agree with I get the passive aggressive bullshit and undertones of disapproval. I ignore it and do what I want...within reason...im not talking anything major here....just "my" way....he soon snaps out of it.

Men want us to do it all their way. We have to show them there are two ways and their way is NOT always right.

Ridiculousanx · 27/12/2019 21:26

@plumpmum, well, maybe it isn't loaded in your case. Just that I can imagine in some circumstances it might mean "what a waste of food!" Or "Why haven't you cleaned out the fridge?" Or even "Why am I always having to sort out your leftovers?" It really just depends on what has happened at other times about that.

But what you said just then makes it sound like it's nothing like that, and I got completely the wrong idea!

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 21:29

God he sounds so draining. I couldn’t put up with that level of scorn constantly. Do you get on at all?

Elieza · 27/12/2019 21:29

Sounds like he doesn’t express himself well. He knows what he means to say but leaves great chunks of the conversation in his head and doesnt say them and then gets annoyed that you don’t understand him. How could you with half the facts.

My ex did that. Drove me mental. I had to continually read between the lines to work out wtf he was on about. Hard work. Yet it just couldn’t see it. He’d swap conversations as well so I’d think we were still talking about say his mum and find out we had actually moved on to discussing his sister. Sigh. Crystal ball request.

With regard to your recent food convo, all I can think of is he was annoyed that you hadn’t asked first if he wanted the left over food (let’s say it’s chicken) but went out and bought more chicken anyway. ie he thought you should have asked first rather than waste money buying more chicken when there was still some there he intended to make a sandwich with so you wasted money?

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