Is it normal to always bite?

[plumpmom]

Me and DH have been married a long time and have small kids. Things haven’t been great the last couple of years but with counselling we’ve worked through a lot of issues. I’ve realised that I’m “agreeable” which is why our relationship has worked. Since I’ve started trying not to be a doormat and get some of my needs met is when things have gone south. Anyway, I’ve noticed that he doesn’t talk to me properly. Is this normal in a long marriage? Snappiness? Grumpy responses? During normal day to day conversation? Whatever I say he’ll come back with a response that isn’t even related to the topic I’m discussing but is some sort of back handed swipe. It’s all very low level but it seems like he can’t answer a question from me without getting a dig in. What is this? For example, I asked if some leftover food in the fridge would get eaten (wondering if I need to chuck it out) and he immediately jumped down my throat about the fact that I’d just gone food shopping. The two things aren’t related! I just wanted a yes/no answer! Can anyone throw any light on this please or give me tips on how to handle/reply to these sort of verbal derailments/attacks. Thanks

@mamato3lads you just nailed it. That’s exactly what it’s like. If I assert myself then I’m controlling and he has a face like a slapped arse. It’s ok for me to entertain his entire family all over Xmas but if I want him to come and be sociable with mine, we’ll then it’s “not his cup of tea” if I then say hang on but fairs fair, come on...he’ll be so deliberately moody because I’m making him do something he doesn’t want to do that I end up just going on my own. It’s that kind of thing that pervades our relationship. It’s like he has this unrealistic, skewed view of what’s fair and reasonable and he constantly feels like he’s a) never getting his own way even though he can’t justify that if asked to elaborate and b) has an air of suffrage. Like he’s always going above and beyond and if asked it would be things like he “always” does “all” of the housework. It’s that kind of stuff. He has this perfect view of himself and this negative view of me and my needs and if I ever push back on his perfect view of himself then he gets verbally mean. It’s very frustrating to try and keep a sense of self and reality within it all. He basically wants me to be 100% happy all the time and always up for sex without doing the things I need to make me happy like get me a birthday card or take me out on our anniversary or actually stay in bed until I’m satisfied. As long as he’s had his satisfaction then the sex was “great”. Even though I’ve been left high and dry for many years and he never asks if I’ve had an orgasm. It’s that kind of thing.

@Elieza I think you’re right regarding the food but how exhausting and why not say something when I said I’m going shopping. Plus I made it clear my intention was to replace the things we’ve run out of. It’s like dealing with an impossible to please manager at work

I don't know how long you have been married, but I've been married for 21 years and I really would not want to live with resentment all the time in the way you have described. All men are not like this. It sounds like your DH needs to decide whether it's more important to be 'right' all the time or to be happy and make you happy.

What do so many of you put up with? You don’t have to pussyfoot around constant barbed aggression from the person who’s supposed to love you! OP, what are the ways in which you feel valued?

@Spacebowlisback yes we do if I’m playing ball and I’m constantly praising him

That’s not right. You must be exhausted. He’s meant to be the place you can be yourself.

@Spacebowlisback I don’t feel valued at all

You’re an adult. You don’t need behavioural conditioning. Throwing you scraps because you’re conceding to his will is odd. What’s his attitude to women in general like? Is it a sort of know your place and role kind of thing?

He's not respecting you. How did he find counselling? I'm sensing he needs to head back again. He hasnt learned to communicate better with you. It seems you are clearly aware of what you expact and he's struggling. He refuses to see the issue and transferring his crap.

End result will be; you'll give up and begin the journey of walking on egg shells. Draining you emotionally and physically.

What do you want?

Life is too short to spend with someone who is critical, negative and hasn't got your back. He sounds awful.
Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book I think it's called 'Why does he do that?'

Quite so, Spacebowl. I also meant to say that it is really not on if you feel that you cannot express your feelings because you have to 'keep the peace'. and behave only in certain ways because that's what he wants, and his wants are somehow always more important than yours.

I think the most telling thing is that you think it’s okay. Or in some way better than being alone. No doubt because of a decade of insidious, subtle pinprick comments.

You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that - no one on this thread does, incidentally. And I would imagine the minimising of it is learned behaviour too.

@mamato3lads, all I take from that is that you're in a shit relationship too. 'Men' do not want things their own way, that's just the men you know! My DH does not behave like this, or have a problem with me standing up for what I want.

Men want us to do it all their way

That really isn’t true. @mamato3lads

I’ve decided I’m taking steps to end the relationship and live on my own. I’m sick of this weird toxic atmosphere where I can’t have my say or be listened to without being vilified. It’s fine for me to listen to whatever crap he chooses to spout but there’s zero support in return. I’m done. Just got to get through the Xmas break and get the kids back to school.

He doesn’t deserve you. He has so much anger inside I would leave him ASAP. You shouldn’t be treated like this.

That’s a very brave decision @plumpmom. Having said that I believe you are definitely doing the right thing. All the very best for the future. 💐

You may have a hard road ahead - either way. If he makes you feel small; insults your rationality; if you hear “you” only in accusation and he centres himself in every conversation; if he huffs our incredulous little laughs to make you feel stupid, then you’re probably doing the right thing.

And if you sigh a great big sigh of relief when it’s done. That’s usually a sign too.

Op, he's emotionally abusive. My stbexh is exactly like this - I can't have any sort of discussion where I'm not being compliant without him telling me not to fucking dare talk to him like that/who the hell do I think I am when I'm just using a perfectly normal conversational voice that hasn't lost me friends/jobs/offended anyone else in my 35 years other than him. Leave him and don't live this half life any longer than you need too

Just made it to the end of the thread, feeling more and more upset for you as I'm getting to the end. So glad you are working on ending this abnormal toxic relationship after spending so many years trying to appease him.. You never will, he will never change, toxic males like him never do.

You sound lovely, and an excellent mum to your children.
In the future, I hope you and your children grow up in a stable household, where respect and support are shown to all, mum and children. Best wishes to you!

A new life awaits lass.

It'll be a rough road at first, but so much peace and calm to look forward to.

Thank you @MrsMozartMkII I really need peace and calm. I tried reaching out yesterday and it ended badly again. I’m so done.

Time to, as is oft said on here, get your ducks in a row and look forward to your new life lass.