Christmas fight with DM

[DrowsyDragon]

My mum and I have a dramatic relationship. When I was very little she was beyond wonderful. I was an only child and she read every book to me, played every game, made up stories, generally made life magical. As I hit my teens, she hit both menopause and very bad time at work. Our relationship deteriorated massively. She has a fierce temper and would stand over me shouting while I cried and begged for forgiveness - I was at fault for starting some of these fights but you can only end a fight with her when she is ready, no matter how upset you are. My dad once interfered and she stormed out of the house. She was also occasionally violent during this time, throwing things, slapping me. Once choking me. I got into the habit of walking out and going to stay with my best friend.

At uni, I Developed a Depression for awhile and we were quite estranged. I also met my now husband. I never came home from uni to live, moved in with friends and then later my husband. She and he also has a rocky relationship. He’s not good at going along with an activity just because everyone else is - ie family walks, watching sport etc. She seems to really hate this and see it as rude. He’s not rude he just doesn’t join in with things he doesn’t enjoy.

Things go up and down. Sometimes we get along really well, sometimes we don’t. I have a two year old now and I’m supposed to be starting IVF for a second in the new year. They came over for Christmas. Things were so awkward. She was constantly pulling faces at how we parent dd, she doesn’t like my husband playing rough and tumble with her, she doesn’t like us letting DD feed herself or eat anywhere but at the table or that DD has a bedtime routine.

Everything came to ahead last night. DM tried to put DD to bed, failed,got upset, blamed me for letting DD have a small bit of Yule log at six. DH went up and took over and everything came out. I told her I felt judged as a parent and unsupported. she said I just use her for childcare - child care which she begged for, in many ways I’d rather DD be in nursery. She said I never take her advice, don’t respect her. She says I never take an interest in her life - we go to an exercise class twice a week and speak several times I can recite all her latest political views and fallings out with neighbours. She says I never pop around or want to go on holiday with me (true, DH refuses to because she is so rude to him). She also called DH controlling, weird, rude and suggested that I don’t undergo IVF with him but just use a sperm donor.
This morning she stormed out and left issuing some commandment to DH about “coming to see her and fixing things”. He refuses to go, I’m trying not to cry in front of DD and I just don’t know where to go from here. help.

If people look up my history, yes I have posted about her before. No we haven’t ended childcare because she is good with very little children but we keep a very close eye, yes I have been seeing a counsellor and she supports me in this decision. The position, not that mum knows, is to end the child care once she gets her half day free school nursery place at three.

This all sounds very unhealthy op, I think perhaps you need to distance yourself

So you need her financial support ? That’s what it boils down to isn’t it?

If she won’t let a 2 year old feed herself then she is very far from good with children.

Sorry but from my own experience your relationship with your mother has come to the end of the line. NC s the only route now. You'll have to pay for childcare somehow.

Signs of trying to control your dd also are there ....
Step away and take dd with you..

She is toxic. My narcissistic MIL is also very good with young children. As they get older she is very inappropriate (saw conversations between her and my then 9 year old saying how she also could get all the boys etc because my DD had a boyfriend. Told my then 11 year old DS that his grandfather could die any time etc). I would make up an excuse and get your child looked after at nursery and don't let her get her claws in to your children. Luckily my mil lives in another country so doesn't have much influence over my kids but no way would I have used her for childcare.

No I don’t need her financial support at all. We could easily have our daughter in nursery, she insisted that she wanted to have DD one day a week. I reluctantly agreed.

I think I probably do need to end the childcare sooner. I thought one more year would be neither here nor there but now she is blaming me for using that and telling me that I am wrong about DD’s feelings and needs. It’s so hard to crawl out from thinking I can remake myself into just the right person and then she will love me again and I’ll be better for it. Or thinking that one day she’ll like my husband or another million things I am probably kidding myself about.

V bad plan for her to be caring for your DC, OP, as am sure you were advised on your last thread.

Suggest the Stately Homes threads and reading materials.

If she is like my mum she is only supporting therapy because she believes the therapist will support her and her views and out you in your place.

She was very confused when that did not happen.

You need to stop daycare because you are not keeping a close eye on things. The only way you can do that is not allowing alone time. You have zero idea or control over what she says to your dd when you are not around.

Put. Not out

She doesn't sound very good with small children. She wouldn't let her feed herself and couldn't follow her bedtime routine.
She is controlling and I don't blame your DH for not wanting to go on holidays with her.
I think you need to distance yourself from her.
Let her calm down. Shes said some very nasty things. Maybe she'll apologise but I'd still advise you to keep a distance .

I agree with your dh, you mum doesn't get to behave like a brat then dictate how someone else reacts.

Time to put your DD in to nursery so your mum can not start poisoning your dd against you and your DH.

Yeah, this morning she made me cry in front of DD by how clearly angry and rude to my DH she was. I just feel like I’ve failed as a daughter.

Or she has failed as a mother?

Why is this on you?

If she was a friend or acquaintance, who would be in the wrong?

You only think it’s you because she has been training you your entire life to believe her happiness is depended on your behaviour.

The thing is, when she’s not around, it all seems so clear. I could be better but she is unreasonable and often hurtful but when I am in front of her she is all angry Icy fury and none of it comes and I feel so small.

I think the solution to that is not be in front of her. You are not failing her as a daughter, she is incapable of having a healthy relationship with her daughter, or treating her in a non-abusive manner, and by extension, your husband.

It can't be healthy for your daughter to be around this, either. All this tension and anger, and abusiveness being directed at her mother and father. Very frightening and confusing for her.

Do read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Who invited her over or did your mother really invite her own self?. Do not repeat this same scenario next Christmas.

Re your comment:-
"No we haven’t ended childcare because she is good with very little children but we keep a very close eye, yes I have been seeing a counsellor and she supports me in this decision. The position, not that mum knows, is to end the child care once she gets her half day free school nursery place at three".

How good is your counsellor re dysfunctional families?. If this person has familial bias then I would find someone else to work with.

One action you can take is to end her so called childcare of your child now (and not when she gets her half day at three). Your mother was supposedly a good parent to you when you were this age too, she was because at the tender age you were then you were easier to boss about and rule over. When you got older and developed opinions and a mind of your own, she did not like that at all in you and turned violent. Do not keep on inflicting your mother on your own self let alone your child.

Where are your boundaries at here with regards to this person; they seem so very low here that they are practically non existent. Giving way to her demands as you have done has done you no favours at all.
You have a choice here re your mother; your own family consisting of your husband and daughter do not. You can continue to tie yourself up in knots for this woman and waste yet more time and words on her but she will not give you the approval you still so seek from her. It will not happen and she is not built that way.

You do not mention your dad here; is he in your life still?.

Its NOT your fault your mother is this toxic and otherwise disordered of thinking and you did not make her that way. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and you are still blundering about in your own fear, obligation and guilt re her too. Is your counsellor working with you to diminish your FOG, does this person actually know anything about FOG?.

If a relative or parent is too toxic/difficult or otherwise batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child too. You need to protect your own self here, let alone your child, from her malign influences.

Hi OP

so many things that you've written are awful - your mum has done a real number on you (including choking you - that's unforgivable).

I think you need to build up to distancing yourself from your mum. It's not healthy at all for you and will be damaging to your child in the long rin.

No, she failed you ! She was supposed to be looking after you. Not sure you can blame menopause for hitting or choking a child ..... if that was the case , we'd all be psychotic.
She was great when you were small, was she jealous of you as you grew up ? Did she feel threatened by your femininity?
Not sure what else can explain this .
Whatever the reason she has physically and emotionally abused you and is still controlling you.
Stop the exercise classes twice a week, stop listening to her political views and rows with neighbours....why does she row with the neighbours anyway ?
Distance is needed

Op your DM sounds like mine.
They are so good at making you doubt yourself and they use it against you that they’ll always be your DM and deep down inside, you still want their love.

What works best with mine is to ignore her for a while when she misbehaves again. These people think in terms of power and by showing them how little you care about their presence, they crawl back and behave normal for a while.

I would not let her mind my DD anymore if I were you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
Thanks for you long comment. Lots to think about. We all had a deal one xMas their and one ours. It was theirs last year. She tried to make us go to theirs cos my husband broke a bone in his hand but we wanted to stay here. She didn’t ask DH about his hand once.

I’m not sure what you mean by familial bias but my counsellor does say she focuses on restoring family bonds, is that what you mean? Do you think she might be giving bad advice cos she is focussed on that goal?

My boundaries are something I’m working on. We’ve been keeping the front door locked cos she used to just let herself in and she’s very upset we’ve done that and that we don’t just drop in on her. I’ve also worked to maintain a lot more privacy about my relationship with my husband - she interprets this as him being controlling and me being unhappy.

Dad is around. I get on with him very well on his own but he is very influenced by her. Last night he just sat there while we argued. Again mum says I hold her responsible for all evil and forgive dad more.

I’ll ask my counsellor about FOG. she’s not used that term though she has talked about my needing clear boundaries and not being responsible for my mum

In answer to other kind posters, I don’t think she’s threatened by my femininity but I think she sees me as an extension of her. She’s always been bemused or cross when I wanted to keep secrets or stop her walking into my room when I was getting changed - not in a sexually abusive way. She and dad are just quite naked people, no pjs etc, and I am less so.

@Honeybee85 that sounds so similar I want to cry. Most people say I am quite a smart person. I’ve worked advocating and representing others but I struggle to stand up to her. She makes me doubt my own memories.