Assaulted

[Champagnetaste]

Last night went to my friends house for some Christmas drinks. Had far too many and don’t remember large parts of the night.

However she went to bed and i was there with her husband. I have flashbacks of him trying to kiss me and grope me.

I have bruises on my wrists of where he has grabbed me.

I don’t know what to do. My partner has obviously noticed the marks on my wrists but I didn’t tell him what happened.

I am so ashamed that I put myself in that position. Because I don’t have a full recollection of what happened I don’t know exactly what happened

Ok OP. Bruises on both wrists are indicative of assault. Which can be photographed. Evidence.

Do you think your drink could've been spiked?

Oh and do not feel ashamed. You didnt invite this. He forced himself on you.

You were sexually assaulted.

Nope, don’t think it was spiked.

Should I tell my partner? I just want to forget it ever happened but every time I close my eyes I have a flashback of it

Ok. Is it normal for you to have semi-blackouts?

OP, you were assaulted with the marks to prove it. I know this is hard but it strikes me that unless there was some kind of BDSM thing going on (which I dont think it was for a moment) then restraints on wrists are indicative of you trying to stop him.

If you love your partner and you percieve he loves you; tell him. Then go to the Police. Get your injuries photographed. I know this is a big deal. Dont worry, the Police wont spring suddenly into action. They are far too overwhelmed with other DA cases. That gives you time to breathe and take stock.

I will be frank; the chances of you ever getting the CPD to prosecute are now almost at mill. But at least it's on record.

But it's your choice. No judgement from me either way..

And because what happened to you is fucking horrible.

Have bruises on my boob too and what looks like teeth marks on my arm

I just want it to have never happened. Why did i get so drunk!

Good God. You need to get this logged, at least. This is terrible.

'I am so ashamed that I put myself in that position. '

Don't be- you did nothing wrong, you were with someone you trusted and were completely reasonable to trust. He betrayed your trust and took advantage- nothing you did.

'Why did i get so drunk!'

It's the festive season, loads of people got drunk. Getting drunk was not out of line- what he did was.

Please go to the police- you have injuries so lots of evidence. If you haven't had a shower please stay that way until you see them. xxx

So sorry you went through this. Gentle hugs xxxxx

@75Renarde 'I will be frank; the chances of you ever getting the CPD to prosecute are now almost at mill. But at least it's on record.'

I know what you mean- have been to the police twice in my life after rape/sexual assault (the first time I couldn't remember what'd happened) and the important thing is to an extent getting it logged, so it helps any other women who come forward about him.

But I think having injuries will help support a case that it was non-consensual- he will be (hopefully) interviewed and if he says it was consensual the bruises etc would to an extent count against him.

@Champagnetaste I wouldn't tell your friend in case it gets back to him, and he has a chance to concoct a story.

@Intresredwoman

Totally agree. Raped twice. Police did fuck all and the first occasion, actually had a word with the guy did accused. Tipped him off.

Thanks guys for keeping my confidentiality secret. Cos now you told a guy who hurt me badly that I'd gone to you. Cheers!

If you can OP, please get this logged and make a statement.

Thanks to those that responded. I’m not going to the police. It would cause a lot of upset between everyone and nothing would happen.

I’m just going to try and forget it ever happened and also stop drinking. It’s given me a real wake up call about my drinking

Err no OP because it will happen again.

Going to the Police is between you and them. No one else.

You need to wake up. Right. Now.

Your friend needs to know what her 'D'H is actually like.
This is awful!
Get pictures of all injuries.
And tell your DF that her disgusting husband abused you and assaulted you.
Jeez, don't let him get away with this!

Don’t blame yourself. If you have bruises and teeth marks it’s not due to your drinking it’s down to him being a perverted git!

I won’t pressure you to go to the police as it is your decision and I respect any choice you make, you do need to think about him doing this to another vulnerable woman and what would it take for him to stop? You could be protecting another woman, albeit if the case doing go forward then like pp said there will be a record and if another complaint is made, the police may have more power to stop him reoffending

Really hope you’re okay you sound like you have been through a terrible ordeal

I expect if your friend were honest, she already knows what her husband is like. If men are rapists/sex offenders, their wives are often also victims. I asked my rapist's wife if he'd ever raped her, and she said 'I don't want to discuss that,' Some wives are more in denial than others about their husband's abuse of them, though.

Please tell your husband

Please report to Police asap who can document injuries.

I have thought long and hard, in all honestly I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s no way I can report it. I’m now starting to doubt it ever happened at all. I know the injuries and the immediate aftermath tell me it did but I was beyond drunk that I’m doubting myself.

The thing I’m now worrying about is that i will see him again at the school gates, he stays on the same street as me. Our kids play together, how on earth do I react, I went to the shops earlier and walked a different way just incase.

I know you’ll all tell me to report it and it will take away this fear but I honestly can’t. I’ve not told anyone in real life. And I can’t bring myself to, I know it wasn’t my fault but what if I did imagine it or it wasn’t how I’m remembering it

This isn’t just about you OP. What if he goes on to assault someone else? Would you let your children be in his company in future? And what about your friend? Maybe she isn’t a victim of abuse atm but she could be. You need to report this while you have evidence. It doesn’t matter if you remember all the details or not. You’ve had a flashback to him grabbing you, bruises and a bite mark. That’s enough. I genuinely feel for you. But if he gets away with this behaviour it could escalate.

Can I report it but not do anything else. I don’t want anyone knowing

I completely understand what your saying about other people and trust me I never for one second thought I’d feel like this and always assumed if anything like this happened to me I would report it without a question

Can you contact rape crisis? I'm sorry you're going through this and getting drunk does not give anyone consent to touch you anywhere, Google the drinking tea consent video (it will make sense when you watch it).

I think you can log it as an incident without taking it further but I’m not sure that’s going to help you or anyone else. What is it about other people knowing that worries you most? Relationships changing? (They will anyway.) People judging you? (Unlikely as you’ve done nothing wrong and if they do their choice and their problem.) Nobody can tell you what to do, you’ve got to do what feels right to you, so perhaps log it as an incident if you can then think on it for a few more days. You might even be offered some support like counselling. I don’t know how these situations are handled. Maybe someone else can help?

You don’t have to report it op, I wouldn’t either.

OP I'm so sorry this happened.

Nobody here can make a decision for you on whether to tell your DP, your friend, or the police. (And for those suggestion a sexual assault victim has some sort of duty to other hypothetical future victims - shame on you.)

What I can tell you, from my experience, is that if you try to forget this, to put it in a locked chest and throw it into the well of your subconscious, it may work temporarily. Possibly for some years. But over time you will realise that the lock on that chest is not as secure as you thought it was, and now the water in your well is poisoned.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

OP this is such a shit thing to have to deal with. Please be very kind to yourself right now.