Mother in law - help!

[SarahZ]

Please tell me what to do about my MIL who has transformed from a lovely woman into a person who thinks she is my DS's mother. Since he was born she has been in his face (esp. when he needed to sleep) and insisted on her and FIL having ALL his attention. She no longer respects me or my opinions on my son and largely tries to ignore me. Even rubbed off his placenta stump, threw it away and took DS to the other side of the room away from me. Wore lots of perfume (didn't used to) so it rubbed off on DS til I asked her to stop. Referred to him as 'my boy' and she cannot stand my friends holding him - she has to take him from them, even though I have asked her not to. Now physically blocks me out so I am unable to get to DS easily. Makes me upset as I think it threatens my relationship with him (now 13 mths) and what will she say to him about me when he can understand words? I really want PIL to have a relationship with him but this is too weird.

I'm sorry and it sounds bad but i'd restrict access and only let her see him on YOUR and DH terms. I'd also get DH to have a word and if she tries to make amends then slowly up contact. If not, don't visit as often and she'll prob get the point.
I'm sorry this is bang out of order! If the that doesn't work your either going to have it out with her or just stop visiting

Yep, my MIL did this transformation too. They have major issues, are using the baby to gratify their emotional needs, and there is absolutely no exuse for it. After 5 months of hell, on pain of divorce, my husband told her to stay away. Being "Smotheringly helpful" is a kind of abuse and my MIL hid her envy and anger at me (for having a baby?!) by "helping" out in a domineering and controlling way.
I stopped seeing her for about 5 months while I reccuperated from her abuse, and now DH takes DD to visit her about once ever 3 weeks WITHOUT me. This suits me fine because it means that Im not the bad guy, but I donT have to put up with abuse. DonT worry about your ds being poioned against you. I dont doubtr shell try this stunt but kids arent stupid, even if some mils are. good luck and stop putting up with it. you`ve got enough on your platewithout having to deal with another child.

SarahZ

Sorry you are experiencing this. My MIL did the same and it had a really bad affect on both me and ds. It's like they're drunk with a power that isn't there's.

Luckily mine lives abroad but it was bad enough that it took me ages to recover from visits and by the time I had I was panicking about the next one.

Your child, your responsibility and so you need to make the rules. Very important to get your dp on side.

I'd personally I'd do one of two things.

1. Have it out even if it means big sulks and a bad relationship for a while. If they stop contact it shows they are not really motivated to see their beautiful gc.
2. Be very assertive with a big smile on your face. eg. My MIL will question every but everything I do so I'll answer the first two then my following answers are with big grin, 'I'm his mum and that's the reason why'.

Don't take this rubbish.

Sarahz your op takes me back, (demanding they chose the name, religion (theirs), constantly 'my baby', smothering, phoning all the time etc)

I feel for you, but it is worth stopping this behaviour as it can effect your whole family negatively (in my case with my dh!)

My advice is involve your dh, I backed away and put dh in the middle as a buffer.
He needs to help set some boundaries.

How often to you see them?

I now also do what Sakura does, ds goes either by himself or with dh. I try and avoid contact, it's better. I no longer have any concerns about their influence as I know they can't undo the rest of the time that ds is with me. Plus they do have a relationship with him and that's fine. (also in my case it's just mil not fil, whom (?) I like alot - so want him to see ds.)

(Sakura I always like your posts on mils they are a comfort to me, I just wish it didn't take me a year to find mumsnet, the stress in our family probably wouldn't have been so bad!)
Good luck , let us know how you get on.

Oh - the other classic has been to sing derogatory songs about me to my baby. I hope this also doesn't continue when my ds comprehends. Also telling her friends in front of me - 'thank god for my son' - in relation to my mothering skills. If you're MIL tries this - reason to have a real go. Not good for your child.

As sil is divorcing MIL now realises she my ds might be the only gc and is all nicey now. All manipulative and I'm having none of it!

I really hate reading that this sort of thing is still happening. I look back at my similar experience during the birth of and my DS's first year with such sadness because of it.

I think the only way is to make stink. Rattle your chains, assert yourself and don't let her think she can do what she likes with your boy. Lots of loud "Excuse me"'s and handing back of baby to said friends etc should do the trick.

And tell her your son NEEDS his mother. No child got messed up because his grandmother wasn't around.

My mum once said 'When your children are children the power lies with you, as they need you more than you need them. When your children are parents, the power lies with them, as you need their consent to have access to your grandchildren.'

The key to being a good mil is to understand this and adjust behaviour accordingly. Sadly, many mil need a demonstration before they cotton on.

Let's all hope that Sarah gets the support of dh in this as she must have been feeling pretty low to post at the time of morning she did.

My dh gave me no support with MIL and to a degree encouraged her behaviour. He's drawn back now so my view is that dh supports the wife against this behaviour or lets wife get on with sorting mil out!

Sakura seems to have sorted things out quite well.

sarah, my mil did this, and worse after my dd was born. as a result i haven't spoken to her in over a year. so sorry to hear you're going through this. If, unlike me, you can get your dh on board, and decide an action plan on how to deal with her, you'll find a way to stop her domineering behaviour.

unfortunately my dp is unable to set his mother boundaries or tell her 'no', and she doesn't respect me or anything i say, so we're kinda stuck.

Thanks so much for all your messages I feel better now I know it is not just me and thanks for all your advice. Things got so bad we had a visiting arrangement where DH and DS would go over to theirs without me when DS was quite little. We have since changed this and we all go an grit our teeth. Am tempted not to go again but she will drop subtle comments to DH which tend to work against me "nice for Sarah to have a rest isn't it" when in fact I miss them both loads. Also this is their objective then she can continue without being challeneged. DH feels very stressed - doesn't know what to do as he feels loyal to her and puts it down to excitement of first GC. Think time will prob sort things out a bit more but all very stressfull. There should be a MIL training school...

Sarah, he married you. You are the mother of his child. You come first now. And your child. Not his mother.

It's not as if you are asking for anything other than respect and kindness from her. You are not being unreasonable. She is being controlling and demanding. It is not her place. She is walking all over your feelings.

It makes me so cross when GPs expect their GCs to be like their children or to keep them busy in their old age.

Stand up and work out an approach that keeps you happy. Don't be miserable anymore. I know exactly how you feel and it's not nice.

It is your child. Your life. And you'll only have him as a child for a short time. It's your turn to enjoy motherhood. She's had her turn. I stress that you're not being unreasonable. She is not the mother of your baby.

I find it creepy to be honest. My MIL made my flesh crawl with her obsessive behaviour. It's not normal.

Thanks Winky, I find it really creepy too. It is so strong that I wonder if something major has happened in their past as she has transformed from lovely lovely MIL to this. I have been possibly oversensitive to her feelings (always made sure they had weekly visits, tried to understand why she was suddenly like this). I also raised it with them ages ago (really scary) and made it all about me - "I feel threatened by your behaviour" etc etc to give her an out, but she denied doing the things, including the placenta, and behaved incredibly shocked and upset. So it is time to stand up and be counted now as she is making me feel miserable. Wait for the to hit the fan!!

Hi Sarah

Really feel for you. Point is...if she was treating you with respect and trust, you would not feel this way. Trust your instincts, you are in the right, you have tried to compromise and understand but it has not worked. Time to speak with your DH and get a plan of action worked out. His loyalty now lies with his dc and his dw, you both need looking after. Not an old battleaxe. Her behaviour is unacceptable. End of.

and the bit I hate most about these situations is feeling REALLY uncomfortable about saying anything, even tho its their WEIRD CREEPY behaviour at fault! Grrrr!!!

Agree with MIL training school...new term starts in 2 weeks (I wish)

I do feel for you Sarah and totally understand where you are coming from. My MIL behaves as though DD is her daughter, calls her 'my baby' constantly, even saying at night time when she stays with us 'my baby is sleeping, now I can go to sleep' . I swear she would bf DD if she could and can't stand that I am still bf as it's the only thing that can comfort DD when she's upset. She also literally pushes me out of the way to pick DD up when she cries.

I got VERY upset about it just after DD was born and still do tbh but do find it a bit easier to stand up to her now. If DD cries I just take her off MIL, she's not happy about it and is the only person I know who doesn't hand a crying baby back to her mother when the baby cries.

Good luck with talking to your DH about it. I tried to talk to DP about MIL before her last stay, it just ended in a big argument and I was the one who came across as a total bitch. The problem is a lot of what she does is very subtle and difficult to verbalise - it can sound very petty when I try to explain what's wrong but what DP has problems getting is that it is the total effect of the little things she does not each individual comment, etc, plus I really don't want to turn it into a 'she said this and then she did this'. Anyway, am rambling now and don't really have any advice - just to let you know you are not alone with this.

P.S. Mumsville - am exactly the same with my MIL's visits. She lives abroad and whenever she leaves I always start dreading the next visit. One coping strategy I've developed for this time is to use the time she's here and playing with DD to do all the stuff I wouldn't normally have time to do - fill the freezer with food for DD, sort out her baby photos, finish her baby book, that kind of thing. It's better than sitting and obsessing anyway - which is more or less what I did the last time she was here!

That is so true Guitargirl about the subtleness of it and difficulty in getting DH to understand. Very female communication I think. He has ignored my feelings for a long time, probably as looking back, there were times when I sounded ridiculous and a bitch. I am trying really hard to stay calm and objective now when talking to him about it - it's very hard.

MIL has upped the aunty now and seems comical sometimes in her lunges to get DS from me so he has to acknowledge it.

I still get v upset about it but less so than when he was first born. I guess you are quite vulnerable then anyway. Trouble is if we had another DC I just could not could not let her hold them as a newborn. Is this unreasonable or weird? Have to sort this out now.

I hated my MIL holding my first baby because I knew how obsessed she was about him and that she thought he was hers so I do understand. Even DH thought my MIL was confused about whose baby he was. She's 54 btw not some senile OAP!

Anyway, you know what, your DS is going to grow up, start walking etc and definitely going to start knowing his own mind and who he wants to hold him, kiss him, hug him etc. If she's smothering him, he's going to want to back off. No kid likes to be smothered. He'll be his own little person and, wait for it, call you Mummy and want you when he's down or hurt or even for a cuddle. Don't feel threatened by her because your maternal elationship with your child is yours only.

With your second baby, you're much more confident about asserting yourself too because you've done the baby thing before and well, you're probably just sick of being pushed out of the way. So, don't worry about the second baby - just make sure you get those boundaries put in place before and don't ever feel guilty because you are not being mean.

What was that about the placenta?

Guitargirl has hit the nail on the head in many respects.

It's the culmative affect it has on you. You anticipate a visit and when a comment is made all the previous comments and actions come flooding back.

Also like your coping strategies but the next time at her house and she's too scared to take ds 100 yards up her street to show of ds to her friend and needs me to come with her and starts slagging me off to her friend in front of me I will absolutely take her to task and I won't feel like a bitch.

Sarah - don't be intimited by this type of passive agressive behaviour. It's just manipulation and when asserting yourself have a smile on your face.

Sarah, you could try questioning her facial expressions/tone of voice/snatching baby...in a questioning, only curious way...non threatening...'why did you just pull a face...you looked really angry/upset/obcessive' ...or 'why do you say that' or 'I hear what you say, but I felt very uncomfortable with your tone of voice, as if you feel I am wrong to pick up my baby?'...

would take some bravery, but if you confront the behaviour by questioning the little things she does it brings it too light to your present company ie dh fil...she may also end up feeling a fool... My mil does odd face pulls to my neices, quite amusing as they question 'why did you just pull that face nana?' In all their innocence...she then has to do 'what face?!' or just change the topic of conversation.

I really do feel for you if your dh is not seeing this behaviour. Makes it hard. Can totally identify with feeling a bitch and ridiculous. I broke all contact with my mother due to her behaviour. Tried explaining it too friends and you end up getting more and more wound up, thinking of more and more examples and even exagerating to get them to see your point (think brick wall and banging head). Never managed to convince them. Whereas people who have suffered similar behaviour with their mothers immediately get me and empathise.

And I got nearly panic attacks at the thought of my mother being round me or my child. It happens when your pg (or even not in your case) and feel threatened by someones behaviour.

Thanks so much for all your messages they are really great advice. I think you have all met my MIL - how come they all do the same things? Is there a MILSnet where they get their tips from?

PILs are coming round on Thurs and I am going to try some of the things you have said. It is really hard to be firm with them but stay pleasant and calm but I am going to try to do it.

The placenta thing - she rubbed off the stump (OK insensitive but not ridiculous) but then she threw it away, took DS to the other side of the room and ignored my cues to give him to me. I then cried, so she later apologised to DH (not me). When asked about this later she denied the whole thing happened!!!!!!!

Has anyone succesfully changed a MIL? Is this something I will have to do for the next twenty years?

I think the polite questioing of her actions/expressions etc is fefinitely a good way to go...

And if possible make sure that your dh is there to hear it.

Been following your thread and to answer your question, I don't think MILs do change, not deep down because this type of MIL never actually think they're doing anything wrong. The only thing they might realise is that if they carry on the way they're going, they think they won't get to see their Son or grandchildren (with my ILs, it's their Son) again. So what's happened with my ILs is that there's an uneasy truce based on DH visiting by himself and me avoiding them whenever possible. DDs don't realise that they're missing something that's never been there! It also means that my marriage has survived.

No, MILS don't change. You have to change your behaviour to make sure they don't piss you off.

Ally90's advice is great because it means you're questioning her behaviour in such a way that she can't get visibly annoyed without appearing unreasonable.

MILs don't change but although my relationship with mine went downhill after having my first child I have found her easier now I've had another baby - I'm not as possessive of him as I was dd & she can't smother two children at once. It's now helpful if she takes one so I can concentrate on the other.

There is hope!!

I'm going to write a letter to myself to read in the event of me becoming a MIL!!

Sarah, I really feel for you, I have it with FIL!!!! Obssessive behaviour towards DS1 who was first GC. Would blatantly ignore what we were saying (we were trying to be helpful in instructing him what worked calming DS down so that we didn't have to take him back) we told him to his face that if he didn't listen to us when we were there what hope did they have of us ever leaving DS with them?

My DH is fantastic but was reluctant to stand up to his parents so everything came from me. FIL had me down as some psychotic female (he doesn't 'do' emotion) in the end we had very heated row and I took DS out of FIL's arms and left their house.

We commnuicated by e-mail (I was pregnant with DS2) we didn't need additional stress. Luckily DH grew some balls and slated his parents telling them some very very awful home truths about how he felt about them and their behaviour (mainly his dad but his mum did stand by his dad) we are now many years on and athough the relationship is better we are still all aware of how fragile it is and how easily we could refuse contact. My own MIL fell out with her mother and rarely saw her, but still saw her dad.

FIL now pulls his head in, and doesn't make comments like before -he may think them but they aren't his children and we make the decisions on how we raise them. (bearing in mind he was away a lot when his children were little and never lifted a finger to help his wife, think man who comes home, eats tea, reads paper, watches news, goes to pub)

Think you need to go softly as suggested, we did and it didn't work which is why we ended up with the huge row.