Mother in law - help!

[SarahZ]

Please tell me what to do about my MIL who has transformed from a lovely woman into a person who thinks she is my DS's mother. Since he was born she has been in his face (esp. when he needed to sleep) and insisted on her and FIL having ALL his attention. She no longer respects me or my opinions on my son and largely tries to ignore me. Even rubbed off his placenta stump, threw it away and took DS to the other side of the room away from me. Wore lots of perfume (didn't used to) so it rubbed off on DS til I asked her to stop. Referred to him as 'my boy' and she cannot stand my friends holding him - she has to take him from them, even though I have asked her not to. Now physically blocks me out so I am unable to get to DS easily. Makes me upset as I think it threatens my relationship with him (now 13 mths) and what will she say to him about me when he can understand words? I really want PIL to have a relationship with him but this is too weird.

Another q - for those of you who have stopped contact between DC and PILs how did that come about (esp did DH support?) and what's it like now? Is it permanent?

Different side of fence here...with my parents I sent a letter stating the issues 'I felt this that xyz when you did xyz' and pointed out this was important for myself and dd to be happy and how what we needed came first (she really needed that bit highlighted) and said I wanted no further communication from her via mail/phone/text/email (add any other method of communication you can think of). She was not happy. She still sends items in the post to me dh and dd. She has come to my home town just last week obviously with the hope of seeing us. She tried ringing so I changed number and became ex directory and changed mobile no. Things are very peaceful now. Dd happy because we're happy. She/we come first now. Not GP who want to be children/parents again and have the focus on them. (I know...bitter!)

My dh was very supportive and encouraging because he saw what effect they had on me. And he was clear that he did not want our dd to see them either. When she is emotionally mature she will be able to decide if she wants contact (tho this is still up for debate...but they are her gp's still.)

Your dh may want your dc to still see their gp's. Does he feel his parents are a threat to his dc happiness? Its tough this one. You can see something he cannot. Maybe immune to it at the moment. I'm guessing you want to protect your dc from them and protect yourself. The stress of being around people who are not empathetic to others needs really sets off my mothering hormones! I'm not as bad as I was (dd 16 mths now). But I would say that is due to feeling stronger not having been in contact with parents for all this time.

Try the gentle route at the mo, give yourself time to think. Write/type out your feelings on a regular basis. Its theraputic and it gives you unexpected answers at times.

It's not that DDs don't see the ILs at all, I just don't encourage it. To give a bit of background: my ILs dont drive (which helps enormously with not having much contact with them!), and when I used to visit them, I was really only there to be a "childminder" to the children, then there'd be dinner followed by me sitting in their lounge for a couple hours so that they could play at being "good grandparents". Last year, (after 13 years together and during a row), DH told me that, "husbands/wives don't stick up for each other if it was going to upset family" (which is why I feel so strongly that your DH should be sticking up for you). It finally confirmed to me that I'd married a "mummys boy" and that I didnt owe him anything when it came to his family. So after all the years of putting up with the ILs many hissy fits and playing at "happy families" afterwards, I stopped being so helpful and basically being a "doormat". I haven't been to the ILs house for 3 years and the last time I saw them was the beginning of the year. DH is welcome to visit when he likes but in the last year, he's begun to realise how visiting his parents isn't very exciting and not the most pleasant of ways to spend a weekend. But that's tough, he should have stuck up for me/the children. He now thinks that he can take a DD as a kind of "buffer" and their "payment" is lots of presents from the ILs. He sees them as a form of entertainment to relieve the boredom of visits. So I've decided that occasionally he can take a DD, but not everytime (and with school starting again, homework will become a factor too soon). I'm also relying on DDs beginning to wonder why mummy doesn't visit- DD1 is 8yo and already knows something's "up" between me and the ILs. Above all, I want DDs to be able to choose whether to visit, a choice is something that I've never really had with a DH that was too intent on keeping his parents happy.
So to answer your question, he doesn't support keeping the children away, mainly because he doesn't see that anything that his parents have done as being wrong.

Petunia - my dh similar - he's also a complete mummy's boy but encourages her behaviour even though he fully realises she is crap with ds and could be left alone with him.

I worry as now mil retired she wants to live with us. We live in a small flat, she doesn't speak English, doesn't drive, wouldn't go for walk up and down our street alone, won't eat anything other than her nationality food. Can't fly alone, can't even get to her local airport in her country alone. Can't change a nappy. The only thing she can do is hold him but ds getting too big for that. She will cry over ds everyday. I can't cope with that.

DH will bring her over without my permisson to see if it's a convenient time - that's why our marriage is heading for seperation.

If you can sort out difficult mils for the sake of everyone and your children, do so.

We constantly have problems with il's, they appear to take it in turns playing good guy/bad guy between them, they are vile.

My dh is becoming more assertive but there are still times when it takes me to break down in tears and to have a row with him to make a boundary.

We get fil's opinions and stupid comments which make me angry, dh just ignores him, i do try to myself but sometimes have to say something back.

They are both overbearing and controlling.

I try to be pleasant & polite when we see them, i keep my distance from both of them as much as possible. I also try to treat myself to something after/before they have been.

I know what you mean about being concerned about what they will say to your dc, i feel the same, it's difficult not to when pil have been awful to you.

Just keep talking to your dh about any worries with them(& on mn) i think if you can start setting boundaries with them now it will be easier in the long run.

Good luck

thegardner - oooo, I love the idea of treating yourself to something before and after they visit ! I might talk myself into buying that new bag for work I've got my eye on that is ridiculously expensive next week after MIL has gone!!

I have been desperately trying not to give my MIL any more head space lately as I just find myself getting upset and I achieve nothing by it. And, yet, I always find myself drawn to threads about MIL on Mumsnet and have started plenty myself.

Have talked a lot about it with my own Mum and she always says that MIL is not going to change and I have to change the way I react to her behaviour or comments instead, kind of like a self-protection mechanism. I have noticed that DP has a way of just tuning her out, I would love to know his secret - practice I suppose...

Maybe it is practice, wish i had the knack
My pil recently gave me a present which was a photo album of ds with loads of photos of them in & their family with just one of my mum & dad which was small whilst several of them were even A5 sizesince then i have had problems switching off from them, it's just negative thoughts like what they could do/say next....i'm just dreading pil suggesting they call over during the week, for 18months we have managed not to let this happen, i just don't need the stress during the week without dh being there, mil has a way of twisting things that i have said so then we get an email from fil going on about it and how upset she is.... and i would also have to endure fil stupid comments, no thanks.

I'm getting my hair done this week to give me a bit of a lift as they're visiting this weekend

guitargirl- my "treat" is a strong drink and to disappear for a long soak in the bath after an IL visit!

thegardener- I often have what I should have said to the ILs going round in my head, so I'm now trying to repeat to myself that, "they don't matter, no matter what" over and over. So far it stops them renting too much space in my head!

shall try the 'they don't matter, no matter what' mantra too.thanks petunia

Ahhhhg! - my MIL just phoned dh with all her worries and now he is in a foul mood - she really knows how to wind him up. She may live a couple of thousand miles away but she may as well live right with me!

DH is a real sucker for manipulation.

It does matter, it does matter!!!!!!

HI just wanted to say to that I have nightmare in laws but not in the same way as being obseesive more just being nasty and saying terriable things about me. Especially MiL. She encourages nasty feeling within the family, more among girlfriends/wives. As she only has boys. She doesn't treat them any better, but it is a case of 'it's still my mum.' Very opinionated women and what she says goes.

My DS was very poorly for his first 6 months resulting in two operation before 6 months olds. I was blamed for his illness and him nearly dying due to the fact that I breastfed him. She also got other people to tell me how wrong I was for breastfeeding him. This nothing compared to some things she has come out with.

I received several emails via DH email address, stating that I she would deny everything if I was stupid enough to tell DH. But I didn't need to tell him anything as he opened email first. It did take DH over 2 Years to realise what was happening and to finally stick up for me.

I finally sent one email stating everything that she had said and done that was not acceptable and that I no longer wanted any contact with her and the rest of the wolves.

DH and kids would go round but not very often and then we moved 100 miles away.

Just before our 4th was born last year I did receive a letter from Mil asking weather we could put this long standing feud behind us. The only reason being is she knows well that I feed so the baby would be able to go round to see them at all, for quite sometime. Anyway It had been 2 1/2 years since I had seen them myself. Not long enough personally. But I did go round and have been round a few times but It is very few and far between and getting even less as there is no difference whatsoever. It is actually worse for the children me being there because they know there is an atomosphere and senses the tension. They even react different to when Mil is there to when she's not. Horrible Women But at least I tried again but know now there is no difference so will just stay away, as this was much easier before.

This is so real to me. I am in the same situation except that my MIL has never really been that nice. I wont go into details as i have already posted on here.

I have adopted the same as mosst people on here, i send DS one day a week and undo whatever when he is with me and my family foor the rest of the time. I take solice in the fact that I am bringing him up with good values and the day will come that he will question why they talk about his mother, and why hiis mother doesnt feel welcome.

Dh has been pretty useless and pretty much has said that she has X amount of children so knows what she is talking about - in the end thank god he saw my distress and we have moved. Still not supportive of my stance on them, but our relationships is loads better for me to just take a step back and take myself out of the situation before I had a nervous breakdown and before a full blown crazy row occured.

Just read some of the other posts.... I havee not stopped DS seeing them as my marriage would have suffered considerably as a result and Ihave no doubt iin my mind that this is what they want - no question.

I just use the day that DS goes there to get my hair done, read, have a nice long bath.

OMG sarah, u poor thig. TBH i would kick her maybe not but i would certainly feel like it you shouldnt have o put up with that, its really not fair, i agree with the others, u need to involve your dh in a big way, it is his mother and you are his wife and she is upsetting you so he needs to deal with that. xx

It does sound a bit of a mare. Thankfully my ILs are just not interested enough in us to be too much of a problem, but on the odd times that they do visit, they don't respect the fact that I'm the parent, and they do their own thing even though I disapprove, so I can empathise. Somehow, they just can't seem to accept that its not their child.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I was actually on the receiving end of it as a child. I had a paternal gran who was awful to my mum and I grew up really resenting her for it. I don't think they thought we noticed, but I did. And I hated anyone who was horrid to my mum - because that's what kids do I guess.

So don't worry about your child, if your mil continues as she is, then all that will happen will be that your child will see the gran for what she is!
HTH

Well this has been a really really helpful thread. DH and I had a HUGE row a few eves ago b4 their visit, then they came to visit on Thurs. The row didn't really seem to resolve much at the time but DH did make a really good comment to PILs.

When they arrived FIL started to grab DS, and DH said - just let him wander dad, he wants to run round. That was it, not angry or hostile, and it did the trick.

Since reading your posts I have been thinking, well he's my son, my house, why on earth am I taking this when I get so upset? So I ignored their glares and held him when I wanted to. He also climbed on me and sat on my knee for a while.

I think that this will always be an issue for them and me, but the fact is I am his mum. I think MIL is very very jealous of this and will prob never really get over it but that's for her to deal with, not me. I have plenty on my plate already.

So thanks so much all of you, I have come out of this in one piece x