Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First xmas divorced and ex sends flowers?

26 replies

Onlylovecould · 26/12/2019 18:43

So we separated and divorced this year.

He decided he'd had enough after 22 years together, married 18 years and moved in with a woman from work who left her young kids to move in with him.

He left me, our now 14 year old son and his older 24 year old son when he moved out. I was completely stunned, fell apart, broken beyond belief but have built myself and our son back up to be strong again.

We went away for Christmas but he didn't know as the boys are refusing to speak to him.

Our divorce was completed on 12 Dec, son's bday 14 Dec but I hadn't spoken to him at all.

A neighbour called on Xmas eve to say that there was big bunch of flowers outside the front door. Turns out they are from him saying Happy Christmas to you all. Lots of love Daddypig (his nickname).

I am v cross that he thinks it's ok to do this. He could message, gift the boys anything. They don't care about flowers.

Why does he think that this is ok? I sent a thank you as I want to rise about him but really this is not appropriate and I want to tell him that. What do you think?

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 26/12/2019 18:46

It’s a bit odd isn’t it. But I wouldn’t give it any more thought because it’s already taken up too much of your head space.

Original poster
Onlylovecould · 26/12/2019 18:47

Yes that's a good way of thinking about it. Odd.

OP posts:
Expo · 26/12/2019 18:48

I would have left them dead outside his front door. Return to sender.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/12/2019 18:49

Probably an easy present that he knew he could get delivered on Xmas eve because he's trying to present he gives a shit. And they can be ordered last minute.

If he cared about the boys he'd had sent gift cards or something.

Your OP reads like the 24 year old stayed with you. You're a lovely person!

TheFaerieQueene · 26/12/2019 18:51

Don’t think about it. It is a gift that took a minute or two on a website to send. It means nothing, which is all he seems capable of.

Sizeofalentil · 26/12/2019 18:53

He's clearly trying to mindfuck you. Guessing his new life isn't as rosey as he hoped and he was feeling nostalgic for his family at Christmas, so wanted to keep you hanging on in case he wanted to return.

He can't even do grand gestures right (sure the 14 year old was thrilled about flowers from daddy pig), so see it/him for what it is - a slightly sad man who needs to try harder

Sizeofalentil · 26/12/2019 18:54

He could have ordered from moonpig and added some age appropriate gifts for his sons too but he's too lazy to even google about

fannycraddock72 · 26/12/2019 18:55

Very odd...He’s playing games, he wants a reaction from you, don’t give him one.

Ginger1982 · 26/12/2019 18:55

So he actually didn't get any presents for his kids? What a dick. I wouldn't have bothered thanking him.

PicsInRed · 26/12/2019 18:59

It's called a "Hoover". He's losing control of you/can feel you are no longer affected by his nonsense so he's trying to wheedle closer again. Classic cheater bullshit. Just bin the flowers and don't respond.

I'd maybe take a photo and file it away in case his new "attentions" become a problem, but that's it.

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/12/2019 19:04

Everything @PicsInRed said.

slipperywhensparticus · 26/12/2019 19:11

If he asks say you never got them,?

littlepaddypaws · 26/12/2019 19:27

'daddypig' Grin he sounds a right pig for treating you and your ds so badly.

BraveGoldie · 26/12/2019 19:37

I think he is a pig for what he did to you, your marriage and your children.

For the flowers, who knows? I don't think he is necessarily playing games. Maybe. May be it is thoughtlessness. Or maybe it is his best attempt at marking the day somehow, in a way that is not infuriating. (If he'd sent money / vouchers to the kids would we say he's trying to buy off his kids? If he sent nothing, would we say he is even more thoughtless?) It's not really something you can get right in this circumstance.....

Agree with others, just ignore and don't overthink it.

Well done for rebuilding your life..... just stay on track and don't sweat the small stuff.....

I hope Christmas felt ok and you had a good time with your children.....

Original poster
Onlylovecould · 26/12/2019 19:40

I think lots of this is right and I also think I am still blinded a bit by him.

I think he wants to be the good guy here, but he most definitely isn't.

He wants to have a relationship of some kind with me as he thinks I influence the boys' thinking but they are both old enough to know a liar and a cheater when they see one. Even when I tell them he wasn't always like that.

He is afraid a bit that I am starting to move on and maybe his new relationship isn't so good after all but then he did describe it to me as 'convenient' at one point.

Thanks for the input, really helpful. Flowers are in the bin as I don't need to see them and they were ropey.

He didnt send either boys a present as he doesnt think they should hold him to ransom.

I should get better at not caring but do want the boys to have a relationship with him

OP posts:
Expo · 26/12/2019 19:44

He didn’t send his sons a present because he doesn’t want them to hold him ransom? Don’t understand that

MulticolourMophead · 26/12/2019 19:51

OP, your sons are old enough to decide if they actually want a relationship with their dad, don't try to force it. If he hasn't bothered with them, they aren't suddenly going to be wanting to see him, they can see him for what he is.

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2019 22:52

How sad not to give his sons anything. Clearly a massive wanker and you’re well rid, OP.

BillieEilish · 26/12/2019 23:02

I agree with the hoover thing. Although I had no idea it was called that.

He is marking his territory, pissing on it like a dog.

He does, somewhere feel he looks the bad guy and wants to show he's not. (Although he clearly is)

Wonder what OW thought of it? (She doesn't know of course)

Bloody odd.

Didiusfalco · 26/12/2019 23:03

Grey rock. What you did is perfect. He almost certainly wants some kind of reaction - don’t give him anything to work with. The boys are old enough to make decisions regarding contact so don’t feel like this is on you to facilitate.

whonoes · 26/12/2019 23:13

He’s a prick and you’re well rid. Flowers? WTF?

MadamePewter · 26/12/2019 23:13

I agree with Picsinred.

It’s also classic behaviour as you say you are now stronger and moving on. They can’t deal with that. Ignore and prepare for more of the same. Been there and was told this on here.. everyone was right!

SeaEagleFeather · 26/12/2019 23:19

He didnt send either boys a present as he doesnt think they should hold him to ransom

he's playing some sort of emotional games with his sons?

boy. time to distance yourself.

Don't badmouth him, but don't go out of your way to encourage a relationship either. Be honest to the situation as it is, not as it should be.

lexiepuppy · 26/12/2019 23:32

My first thoughts when I read this were of a narcissistic hoover attempt.

My ex narc husband sent me flowers on our wedding anniversary when he was living with his OW and we were getting a divorce.

He is still trying to hoover me 4 years down the line, because he is not happy with other woman (but he was never happy with me) .
Infact narcissists are never happy full stop.

Delete him out of your life.

DrivingMsCrazy · 26/12/2019 23:35

Wonder if his current woman got an exact same bunch from same website? Have heard and seen it happen so many times.

Ignore. Let the boys decide for themselves about contact. Not giving them a Xmas gift is just shitty really.