How can I help my mum?

[Dee96]

Hi all, I'm seeking advice on here because I don't really know where else to turn. From before I was born my mum and dad have been in a toxic relationship. He has been emotionally and physically abusive. My dad is a horrible person, I have no relationship with him. However since secondary school my parents have constantly been on brink of divorcing only to make up again. It's become an emotionally exhausting cycle. He treats us all so badly. The most recent saga between them was summer this year when we went abroad. They were having a rough patch before we left but for some reason decided to go to my mums brothers place abroad. He was spiteful the whole trip, until one day on the holiday he was arguing with my mum and I defended her, it escalated and he called off their marriage. I then had to fork out money for me and my mums ticket home, despite it being her brothers place, because my mum is so belittled by their relationship she doesn't have a backbone with him anymore. They stayed separate for a while after that but now have started talking again. Our house is for sale however it's taking forever and in the mean time my mum gets sucked back into this mess of a relationship, because it's all she has known. After the holiday she was starting to gain some dependence and happiness, but then my dad pulled her aside and emotionally manipulated her by saying he was in a dark place so she felt some responsibility towards him, let him back in and now she's back to square one with him. No amount of talking sense to her works. To me it's so obvious she must leave now. But my mum has no money, and is currently awaiting a MRI scan for her back, so it's possible she may have to be out of work. She's in her early sixties and has given up on the idea of love. All just seems so hopeless for her and she cant find an escape route because of her financial situation has trapped her with him. Is there anything anyone can suggest? She has spoken to a solicitor but that has got her no where. Her income wouldn't be enough to support herself and get a mortgage. There must be another way for her, I'm tired of seeing her hurt by this man and want this to end

Am sorry Dee but you cannot help your mother. Doing so will further destroy your own self. You cannot afford to be dragged down by your mother and in turn your dad.

She is getting what she wants out of this dysfunctional and abusive relationship with your dad and theirs is a codependent relationship. She will in all likelihood remain with him for the rest of her days. What was her own childhood like, do you know anything?. That often gives clues

@AttilaTheMeerkat unfortunately this relationship has already done that. It effects me and my sisters constantly as we are all trapped in the same house with both of them. Helping my mum break out of it will also help us. My mums childhood wasnt amazing from what she told me her mum and dad weren't together but were constantly at each other. My mum had my sister young and got with her dad then shortly after met my dad and has been with him ever since

Of course there are things you can do for your mother. Your mum left him once, sahe can again with the right help. Womans aid, they have a 24 hour helpline. Number is online. Right of women, please look for the number online too. I am on my way to work on a public transport so don't have time to look, soory. Also your local woman aid refuge, they are jot just a refuge, but also have resources that few of us know about. I went to a refuge and it's the best thing I have ever done. Also, the support she has from her family will speak volumes and helps enormously. Please carry in being supportive, it may be difficult so you may want concelling during and after for your mum. I had mine through the shelter. I have two adult children who were incredibly supportive and today we are in a better place, also financially, your mum will get help.

May I ask how old you are in that are you still in secondary school or have you left?. You can yourself talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

I am concerned about your sister and you because what you are living in is both intolerable and emotionally damaging to both of you. Goodness alone knows what you have learnt about relationships from these two people and the legacies of all that may not become totally apparent until you embark on your own relationships. It also sounds like your mother has basically repeated what she saw in her childhood with this man now.

You absolutely cannot afford to make the same relationship errors going forward. I would refer yourself to Social Services particularly if you are under 18; they can and do help families but ultimately your mother is going to have to take the first step out of her abusive relationship on her own. You cannot do that for her and she has stayed for what are really her own reasons; this is all after all she has ever known. Your talking sense to her has not helped so take steps to help your own self and your sister instead. Doing this may help your mother too. Abuse like your mother and in turn you people are suffering thrives on secrecy, start opening up to other people about what life is like at home. Turn a spotlight onto it.

What's your situation? Do you own a home? Is there an extra bedroom available for her whenever she wants to leave? Can you live with her in one house? She needs to decide for herself that she has to leave but it sounds like she wants someone to escape to.

@Besidesthepoint I'm 23 so child services wouldn't be able to help me anymore. I don't have nearly enough income to own my own home. My mum always said if she won the lottery shed leave in a heartbeat. I think for her she's more scared, shes older and more vulnerable. She doesn't know what her options are and she doesn't want to end up renting to only throw her money away. As I said she may not even be in a position to fund herself very soon. We don't have a spare bedroom when they broke up she was sleeping either with me or my sister or on the living room floor. Our living arrangement is like a bad spin off of the breakup movie If you've seen that except it's more unhealthy

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm 23 now however it still is horrible to see and experience. My dad is also abusive to me, we had a physical fight and that's the last time I've spoken to him. The fight was over me asking for an apology for his behaviour abroad. All my dad seems to care about is having my mum wrapped around his finger and never bothers making right with me. He tried to blame his downfall of his marriage on me and my sisters existence and resents us for it because we defend mum and keep her from being completely ruined by him. As much as I want to make sure I wont turn into a replica of my mum I see her traits in my in my relationships and i hate it. We both joke how we get what we put up with, and I find myself tolerating alot in my relationship. I want to point fingers at my mum but it's hard when I'm contradicting. The only thing I can say is I swear if I have children not to put them through this damaging hell of a unhealthy environment and walk away if needs be. It's better to be alone and happy than stay with a partner for the sake of it.

@TheTickingTime I'm trying to support her but it's hard when she relapses and goes back to square one. I think she has had counselling but she doesn't have anyone really to turn to. She says she feels like she cannot talk to us because we tell her what she doesn't want to hear (the truth) and I think shes closed off to her family because shes ashamed. My mum was never particularly close to her side of the family nor does she have many friends. As she said shes very alone and that's why shes scare to leave. I have had counselling for my parents relationship when I was in college and it affected my alevels. However it didn't help. My mum had a little counselling but I don't think it helped her either. I'll suggest the number thankyou but I don't think it will help her financially and that's her biggest worry

Your poor mum. And poor you.
She needs/wants to leave him. The issue is practical. She needs to get a few hundred together for a bond so that she can rent somewhere. Go to a rental place with her, Belvoir have branches nationwide. Explain the situation and that she is trying to leave. A woman's aid will be able to help too. All you can do is to be there and try to give her confidence and hope. It's not going to be easy. My guess is that your mother doesn't have friends? Women controlled in this way rarely do.
One last thing. You say that you can sometimes see elements of your parents relationship in your own relationships. Don't settle for anything similar to their marriage. See a counsellor to work out how to avoid those mistakes...and don't have any children of your own until you are convinced you got it right.

@Glamgran59 my mum is in major denial about the nature of her relationship. She would never call it abusive and get defensive if me or my sisters tried to. She is too proud to seek help, or live in a refuge. To seek help you have to admit there's a problem in the first place. She cant afford to rent as she may not be working soon. As for my relationship I know this, and it was one of the contributing factors to my termination with him. Horrible I know but I don't want the cycle to repeat. I think I really need to speak to a counsellor myself. Sometimes I can go about and my domestic life doesn't affect me, and then i have weeks/months were it weighs me down to depression. I think the fact that I'm dealing with my termination of top of it doesn't help me. And then dealing with my relationship too I cant seem to cut a break. I just thought If i could do this it would be one thing that would help and be good for everyone

Agreed OP you would probably benefit from speaking to a counsellor yourself.

Your mum is in a pickle no doubt but why are you responsible for rescuing her? I bet this emotional whirlwind has been awful for a lot of your childhood, why should it wreck your twenties too? Your mum is a grown adult and must be getting something out of it. Why should you suffer too? I bet you would be much happier in a crappy room in a crappy rented house without all the drama and abuse. YOU have been a victim too, it’s not just about your mum.

Have you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward? I think it could be beneficial....

@ComtesseI i tried to offer her womans aid to which she said she has completely disregarded. As I said she would shes denied being in an abusive relationship and thinks this will not help her. I had a bad mix with my dad today which has led to me staying at my boyfriends again. However I hate the back and forth of it, although I am appreciativd for the option I have no place I can call home, or my own space and it's so upsetting. I could move to my relatives place but it's so far away it would mean leaving everything behind, job, boyfriend, family. My mums had a bad turn with her back and now cant even sit. Were all so helpless and my dad knows he can do what he want with us because we have no other choice. Our house is a prison and I'm sick of crying, and seeing my mother cry. Today I've been looking at rooms to lent but I really cant afford to. I've only just started a full time job which isn't looking very stable. How do I get myself out of this mess there must be some sort of answer

OP I suggest you contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 as this is an awful situation to be trapped in. There's nothing you can do for your mum but there is something you can do for yourself.

There are groups you can go to to learn about healthy relationships and get support. You can find your local DV (domestic violence) organisation here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ There might be a lot of valuable support in your area so you can also look up your borough on google, for example: 'Domestic Abuse help Lincoln' and what's available in your area will come up.

This is an awful toxic environment that you aren't going to thrive in. Do what you can to get out. There might be money available to help you move from somewhere so find out what's available. Look on Gumtree for shared houses. Your council housing department don't want you to be homeless so they might have suggestions for you on cheap housing. Some DV organisations have access to housing. You won't know if you don't try.

When your dm says things like

if she won the lottery shed leave in a heartbeat

Has anyone pointed out to her that she wouldn’t.

She has probably left several times and gets drawn back by false promises and manipulation so saying she would leave if something happened is a false statement

Save yourself.

You're suffering coercive control/domestic abuse yourself. All the support is there for you.

The law on coercive control applies to abuse by family members.

You can call Women's Aid for yourself. You can call the police for yourself. You can seek support for yourself. Look at a refuge or housing for yourself. Do the Freedom Programme course yourself.

Don't let your future and your life be destroyed too. She doesn't want you to save her; do you want to save yourself?

Another organisation to contact regarding housing is Shelter:
www.shelter.org.uk

Another one is Hestia: www.hestia.org/contact-hestia They provide refuges but should be able to give you advice on what to do.

Op I've been where you are, mum is now in her 70's... and still with him.

You need to say to her one last time "If you ever decide to leave you have my full support and I will do all I can to help but from now on while you choose to stay with him I can't support that. But I love you and will always be here for you"

Then find a cheap house share/bedsit, claim what you can benefit wise if anything (you might be surprised try the calculators and contact your local welfare rights office to get advice on this) and move out.

It's what I did at 17, as did my brother and sister left at 18.

It's almost like they're addicted to the husbands and from that perspective it is like being involved with an addict so you need to learn

You didn't cause it (that was a tough one for me as it was a shotgun wedding due to my arrival)
You can't cure it
You can't control it.

The only person who can change this is her.

My dad is/was abusive in every way, mums own family tried to physically prevent her from returning to him at least twice I know of and that didn't work, they couldn't even persuade her to leave us behind.

Denial is bandied about but the genuine thing is incredibly hard to break through. My mums been stood in front of me bruised and bleeding and STILL denied it was abuse.

Over the years periodically I've begged her to leave but I reached a point I just had to accept it was pointless.

Honestly for your own sake you need to leave and let her be.

Women's Aid charity is a start. They can help with a set up grant and advice on benefits etc. Many women who use them don't have work at all so the fact that you are employed is a bonus. The first step is the hardest but you can do it. Talk to WA and find out about two ways forward, accommodation for you alone and secondly, for you and your mum. Then, as suggested here, give her the option. You're strong...you've owned up to what is happening...lead the way.
On a personal note, this was my sister. She was in an abusive relationship and pregnant with her second child. I spoke to her every day and visited every week at a distance and essentially waited for her to decide. At some point I couldn't stand it and withdrew. I told her that I was there but I couldn't watch or support her to stay. I don't know if that was the reason, but she left him. You have to save yourself. Every day there is a day you're not living life to the full. Take care and have a virtual hug.

You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

Repeat it to yourself constantly.

I am in a similar situation except several years ahead of you and I no longer live at home. My mum is now fully aware of how abusive her relationship is but still won’t leave - she openly says she would not cope with it. She is now chronically ill, as I always knew would happen from the stress.

I have to accept that this is what she chooses and slowly watch her deteriorate in this horrible situation. It is killing me too. But I am getting help.

It is awful and I am sorry you are going through this. It will be easier if you leave so focus on that as a plan. You can support your mum from the outside when you are not subject to the same abuse.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. Honestly I'm at a loss of what to do, but I've realised trying to help my mum is a dead end and will only drag me down. Were all on walking an emotional tight rope here and anything that tips us over makes everyone unstable. The house is just depressing to be in, but I found even being out of the environment doesn't help anymore. I dont know how to support my mum she gets so defensive and blames me for her feelings that rise whenever I try to confront this whole situation. All she'll dismiss it saying she cant do this now or it's none of my concern. She thinks everyone is out to dictate to her what she should and shouldn't do, and cant see that were just trying to have her best interest at heart. I feel so heart broken, like I've lost both my parents. I feel so detached to my mum now and I cant respect her when shes like this. How do you support someone when they're choices are clearly toxic and bad? In terms of room sharing I really dont want to be caught in the cycle of working only to just get by. I could afford a tiny box room but that would be all, no disposable income. I am looking for a new job that pays more as my current one is minimum wage, but I've only been here for two months so I feel it's too quick to jump elsewhere and employees may not take me on for it. I'm starting to get panic attacks again because this whole situation is just weighing on me, along with my termination and other things. I wanted to ideally be able to live at my boyfriends which he has offered until I get a good paying job and learn how to drive so I have a better kick start however my bf has addiction problems so that could flare up at any moment and I cant have that on my shoulders as well. I will try to call WA and explore my options. It's just a very isolating feeling and I'm not coping well although I look like I am, I just want to run away from everything so I can breath.

My mum is also convinced that my dad is stashing money away and once the house sells he will leave everyone in a horrible state. Not that it's any of my concern but he truly has given up trying to pretend to be nice with me and my sisters, and now only barely cares about my mum. However mum said once he no longer cares for having her wrapped around his finger theres nothing left for him to stay and she will be left alone

Dee

Do call WA and explore your options further with them.

You can only help your own self here and you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour to anyone in any relationship. Neither approach as you have seen works.

Your mother does not want your help or support and your boyfriend has addiction issues. Those are his to own, not yours to feel responsible about and or otherwise carry for him. Enabling as well only gives you a false sense of control. Hard as it is to do this I would walk away from him as well.

You need to be on your own and rebuild your life without him or your parents in it. You can only help your own self ultimately and unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you. Your mother has stayed with her abuser for her own reasons, none of which are a reflection on you or to do with you personally. You absolutely cannot afford to make the same relationship errors as your mother has done here and such can be unlearnt through counselling. It will be hard going at times but it will be an investment in you, one that is certainly worth doing. You're now 23, make your 24th year on this planet and going forward happier for yourself.

OP it seems as though you've dismissed all advice apart from to contact WA (I assume that's Women's Aid). You haven't fully explored counselling that may be useful for you now you have an addicted boyfriend. The worst thing that could happen now is that you continue the cycle of abuse and get into non stop abusive/co dependent relationships because of your upbringing. You seem to be a 'rescuer' and that way co dependence lies.

I understand that you're worried about your mum but you're an adult now. You're not a helpless child trying to rescue your mum and cure her. She's a grown woman and it's up to her to reach out for help. Get help for yourself or you're in for a lifetime of similar relationships.

There's an organisation called CODA (coda.org) that you might find helpful.The Freedom Programme would help you to spot red flags and learn about healthy relationships. You're enmeshed in your parent's relationship and you need to get out of there as it's toxic for you. Moving in with an addict would be like jumping into the fire though.

As advised above, do what you can to get out. You can contact Shelter, your local domestic abuse organisations and your council housing advice team to get help and support in order to move out. I understand that it's expensive to move but you must do what you can to leave.

Are you sure you want to be with someone with addiction problems.

It sounds very much like you are trying to repeat your home life with someone who you would still be treading on egg shells around just in case you are responsible for him taking more drugs

I presume your mother is on the deeds of the house so will get half of your father decides to upsticks.

If not she needs to start divorce proceedings

Have you talked to your mother about burying her head in the sand.

She has buried her head as answer to the family circumstances and this is where it has got her.

She needs to act now to protect herself and not be so passive in response to your fathers actions.

@12345kbm it's not that I'm trying to dismiss advice, I've had counselling before on numerous occasions and to be honest it has never helped me. It may give temporary relief to talk to someone but I found all that was really happening was I would talk about one issue and go back to my counsellor the next session with 10 new issues. All the talking got me no where and it wasnt a solution. I also know how hard it is getting on a waiting list with your gp to have one to one counselling which would be preferable for me. I've spoken to samaritans as well but as I said I dont think it helps for me personally. It's not a thing of rescuing my mum per say I just feel so torn leaving her in vulnerable state shes in. My mum now has a walking stick, cant sit down because of the agony shes in, and is just a shell of herself. Its heart wrenching to see that of your own mum and I know I must put myself first but I cant come to terms with the idea of the only way my life can get itself together is by distancing myself from her. I was always the closest to my mum and I love her so much. So all this is killing me