How can I help my mum?

[Dee96]

Hi all, I'm seeking advice on here because I don't really know where else to turn. From before I was born my mum and dad have been in a toxic relationship. He has been emotionally and physically abusive. My dad is a horrible person, I have no relationship with him. However since secondary school my parents have constantly been on brink of divorcing only to make up again. It's become an emotionally exhausting cycle. He treats us all so badly. The most recent saga between them was summer this year when we went abroad. They were having a rough patch before we left but for some reason decided to go to my mums brothers place abroad. He was spiteful the whole trip, until one day on the holiday he was arguing with my mum and I defended her, it escalated and he called off their marriage. I then had to fork out money for me and my mums ticket home, despite it being her brothers place, because my mum is so belittled by their relationship she doesn't have a backbone with him anymore. They stayed separate for a while after that but now have started talking again. Our house is for sale however it's taking forever and in the mean time my mum gets sucked back into this mess of a relationship, because it's all she has known. After the holiday she was starting to gain some dependence and happiness, but then my dad pulled her aside and emotionally manipulated her by saying he was in a dark place so she felt some responsibility towards him, let him back in and now she's back to square one with him. No amount of talking sense to her works. To me it's so obvious she must leave now. But my mum has no money, and is currently awaiting a MRI scan for her back, so it's possible she may have to be out of work. She's in her early sixties and has given up on the idea of love. All just seems so hopeless for her and she cant find an escape route because of her financial situation has trapped her with him. Is there anything anyone can suggest? She has spoken to a solicitor but that has got her no where. Her income wouldn't be enough to support herself and get a mortgage. There must be another way for her, I'm tired of seeing her hurt by this man and want this to end

@Oliversmumsarmy I've called her out on her burying her head in the sand behaviour many times. And shes even admitted it, she says it's her only coping mechanism because if she starts to think of everything shes been through she gets overwhelmed and cant function. I believe shes entitled to half of what my dad has if they divorce, hence why I mentioned the fact that she is convinced he's hiding money of his own elsewhere. I believe they came to a mutual civil agreement that my mum would get half of the money when the house sells, however their own/off relationship makes it hard to know what's really going to happen about that. I am very aware of the fact that my relationship could mimic traits like my parents and I really dont want that. But with everything going on I really dont have the mental capacity right now to sit down and worry about the ifs and possibilities of that when I'm stressing over where to live.

@Graphista I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I really wish it would get better for us but unfortunately that choice isn't really in our hands and it makes you feel so hope and helpless. I really hope your mum breaks out of it, its never too late. Or at least gets better, I've seen the stress of my situation affect every family member in it's own horrible way and it can be serve. I'm glad you was able to get out of it though and take care of yourself. How did moving out affect you and how have you found peace In the situation?

I think you need proper therapy not counselling. Counselling is chatting about the present and having someone to offload to, maybe doing a bit of problem solving about your present stresses. Not dissimilar to a conversation with Samaritans.

Therapy is treatment of particular issues in your life, e.g. PTSD from domestic abuse. You wouldn't just turn up each week and talk about how your week's been. But that's probably something for the future.

Domestic abuse is about control. So your father tries to control your mother. You then pop up trying to tell her to leave him. Which is also controlling. She's right when she says everyone's just trying to tell her what to do.

You might mean well when you tell her to leave him but you're just replicating his abuse and making it harder for her to see his controlling behaviour as wrong or abnormal - because everyone in her life treats her like that. So why would she want to consider leaving if it's how everyone behaves?

I know it's heart breaking what's being done to her, but it's also heart breaking what's being done to you.

Moving out into somewhere where you're just getting by wouldn't be forever. But it would make all the steps you need to take towards healing more manageable.

The longer you stay in this environment the more broken you'll become.

I hope you do make that phone call. Every positive step you can take is a wonderful thing.

Moving out so young was tough I won't say it wasn't. But it also gave me peace!

I was no longer on edge all the time, dreading my fathers key in the lock of the door, barricading myself in my room to avoid him, watching everything I said to him for fear of saying the wrong thing.

He only hit me twice - the 2nd time I was almost an adult and frankly I threatened his life if he EVER raised a hand to me again, I meant it and he knew it.

But I worried about saying the wrong thing and him taking it out on other family members when I wasn't there.

I suffer badly with my mh largely as a result of my childhood I believe (which my parents both strenuously deny).

I believe I had my first breakdown as a teen before leaving in hindsight and had others as the years went on and suffered, still suffer, depression and anxiety.

But my life after leaving home was SO much easier - even when I was skint and knackered!

I've found peace of a kind through a LOT of therapy - you know that scene in good will hunting "it's not your fault"?

Yep that's it, took me a LONG time to learn that. And I don't always remember.

Mum is no longer subject to violence as dad is too old and sick and no longer capable of that, but he still speaks to her in a disgusting way although now sometimes she bites back!

It's so complicated.

Bro moved out and basically didn't look back he's vlc with all of us really.

Sister moved out later, she's turning into dad in my opinion. Just as narcissistic and toxic as he is, we're nc.

I am vlc with both parents, the only reason I have any contact with dad is to facilitate contact with mum and because it makes mums life easier.

I thought for many years that others didn't see what dad was like then after I disclosed some stuff to certain people it became apparent they'd had his number for years but didn't know how to approach me as I seemed to get on ok with him.

I went nc for a time while married and then husband had kept his counsel to a degree while I made the decision but when I did said that he felt it was the right one and I should have done it years before. He would not approve of vlc now.

But you know what? It doesn't really matter what others think or say you have to do what's actually best for you.

I have given you my experience and opinion but you don't have to take it.

But I can honestly say leaving home it was like being able to breathe again, like I'd been holding my breath for years, the relief was immediate - the very first night. I got the best sleep ever!

Happy to pm if you want to get into more detail?

@user7522689 wow thanks for that perspective I never considered it like that and that's the last thing I want to do or inflict on her. I've already distanced myself from her I'll just try and support her from the sidelines even if it means just being there when I can even if I dont agree with her choices. It's easier to do now that I've taken myself out of the environment and it doesn't affect me. Even if it's just taking her out for lunch or something to just show I'm still there for her . I will make that phone call soon I really just want to move upwards from here

@Graphista wow you've been through alot thankyou for sharing your story. Alot of people were trying to tell me to stay positive as things will get better and to be honest it came across very half hearted as I found the idea of living through a current hell in the hope of a better future to be unhelpful and not particularly encouraging as nothing is guaranteed. But knowing you somehow found peace from that no matter how long it took is comforting. I have officially moved out. After having a little breakdown episode on my boyfriend yesterday I've come to an arrangement where I will be staying at his for the next 2/3 months whilst I save up and find a new place/job. I haven't found relief in leaving let just because there's alot to smooth out, payment to his parents and such but it's a step in the right direction and I do feel relief knowing I dont need to go back there again. I know I'd feel alot better having my own space and it will finally be somewhere I can call 'home' which I haven't had in a while. Obviously living with my bf and his situation isn't ideal, but I just need to push through and remind myself it's only temporary. It has upset me abit that my oldest sister, who usually sides with my dad, is bad mouthing me for not contributing financially to a house I no longer live in but I cant afford to support myself and my home and I dont see why I need to when I no longer live there. In a perfect world I would love to support my mum money wise but I cant, and I did offer her the option to move out with me i dont see what more i can do but its no longer my responsibility. Any advice on how you went about leaving so young with presumably not alot would be mostly appreciated?

Looks like you've had good advice already, particularly this one: 'You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.' This is true for ourselves and for anyone else. Find it in yourself to heal your wounds from having an abusive Dad and a Mum who enabled it and made you dance her dance. Don't keep letting her do this to you. You don't have to be enmeshed in their drama anymore. Step back.

I keep thinking about you and your situation. Staying with your boyfriend isn't ideal at all, especially if he has addiction issues. Keep your eye on where you are going eventually. Your own place and your own rules. Please keep your money safe and separate from your bf's and don't be tempted to try whatever he's doing. Hopefully you can save enough to get somewhere else soon.
The simple fact that you're moving out might be give your mum a bit of a push to find a solution for herself. Contacting the local women's aid might still be a good idea, they might do a loan school for a bond.
Take care sweetheart. You're at a crossroads. Take the turn best for you. x