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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rubbish Christmas

42 replies

IrnBruAndTwiglets · 26/12/2019 13:50

I had such high hopes for a special Christmas, it was our first with our gorgeous baby girl and I'm sitting feeling low about how it panned out.

My family, who he gets on great with, arrived at 1ish. Almost right away, he took BIL into the other room to play PlayStation and only came through to get drink after drink. He was apparently making dinner so it then fell to me to do it all. I got more and more frazzled with my wee one needing a feed, so my family were kind enough to chip in and bring it all together. I just wanted to host and for them to relax, not for them to juggle dinner while DP got more and more drunk.

Every sentence had fuck in it, he tends to get more sweary when he's had a drink. I usually don't mind swearing and swear myself, but I could feel myself cringing, especially when wider family came over later at night.

Everyone left about 11, it had been a long day with an early start, and not a lot of sleep on Christmas eve with bubs up most of the night. Was so ready for bed, but DP was determined to stay up with more beer, even though he was pissed, and watch a film. I tried to explain that if I got the baby down, which takes about an hour, and then he came in and woke her up, I'd have to start all over again getting her down. But no, he stayed up till half 1, slept on the couch and woke us up coming into bed at 4.

I'm torn because on the one hand I question myself and say am I controlling, am I a square because I'm not a big drinker and was he just enjoying Christmas his way? Maybe I've built Christmas up to be perfect and I'm only going to be disappointed because everyone's day is a bit stressful. Or am I reasonable to say on your baby's first Christmas you should get involved with opening her gifts and want to make it a special day to remember, help with cooking whilst I'm doing my best impression of a dairy cow and actually spend the day with the mum of the wee girl you've made together. We didn't even get a photo together. Feeling a bit emotional, don't want to be a killjoy because he had a very 'merry' christmas and I know lots of people enjoy drinking on the day to relax. Just feel deflated.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 26/12/2019 13:53

He let you down. He said he'd do dinner but left it to you to do as well as mind the baby.

He owes you one helluva apology

readitandwept · 26/12/2019 14:00

He sounds extremely selfish and worse than useless.

What's he like the rest of the time?

Lozzerbmc · 26/12/2019 14:04

Yes he let you down big time frankly. Selfish and thoughtless.
Is this type of behaviour typical or a one off?

Bunnylady54 · 26/12/2019 14:06

So sorry OP. You are most certainly not controlling! As pp have said, is your DP generally like this?

roisinagusniamh · 26/12/2019 14:22

That's awfully selfish of him.
You need to have a very open conversation with about this behaviour.

category12 · 26/12/2019 14:30

I don't know about the baby's first Christmas thing, given she's so tiny she'll have no idea.

But it's OK to be super-pissed off about it on your own behalf, you know, OP.

He said he'd do dinner. He didn't.
He was a shit host to your family apart from your BIL.
You have a tiny baby and he left you to do all the work of Christmas dinner etc.
He was a drunken embarrassment and made life more difficult instead of making it easier.

He needs to shape the fuck up.

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 26/12/2019 14:57

I'm in tears, I said I felt I was due an apology and he's pissed off and went off on one. Got an exasperated sorry!...that your upset and when I said don't apologise for me he blew up, shouted at me to f off, 90% of people get pissed at Christmas, were incompatible and if he wants to do the same next year he will.

He has been having more beer at the weekend since the wee one was born, maybe 5 bottles on a Fri and Saturday but sees this as his way to unwind after his work.

I love him to bits, we have our little baby, a lovely house and he's a great partner generally. Has a habit of saying we're done, we're finished when we argue that makes me feel nervous and on edge but then 10 mins later is very affectionate and wants a hug. He is the earner just now because I'm at uni so I guess there's an element of he paid for Christmas so I shouldn't complain.

OP posts:
Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 26/12/2019 15:04

And now we're due to go to MIL's and I've said I'm not going, he said he'd take the wee one and buy formula. She's EBF. I'm so proud of breastfeeding her and he knows it. Apparently he was only kidding, but it's just making me feel worse after yesterday

OP posts:
ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 26/12/2019 15:10

You say he's a lovely partner, but you also say he habitually says you're finished when you argue - how often do you argue? He's behaved very badly to you over Christmas - is this a complete contrast from how he is normally?

richteasandcheese · 26/12/2019 15:13

Do you find yourself doing things to keep the peace with him? The threatening to end the relationship every time you have an argument is abusive

Equalityumber · 26/12/2019 15:14

This man sounds dreadful. Why are your standards so low that you expect these scraps? I’d leave him.

readitandwept · 26/12/2019 15:16

if he wants to do the same next year he will.

Considering your updates, this shouldn't even be an option for him next year. As in you should make sure you're not in this relationship next year. And by next year, I mean next week, tomorrow even.

He's not a good man, OP. You and and your baby deserve so much more love and respect than this man will ever give you.

Musti · 26/12/2019 15:20

He's an absolute wanker! Ask him what would have happened if you'd decided to just get pissed and leave him to sort out dinner and look after the baby?

This happened to me after I had children. The fathers of my children thought that because I was a sahm that they never had to lift a finger in the house anymore. So what could have been lovely occasions with both of us chipping in, ended up with me being completely frazzled trying to juggle the babies with cooking/cleaning/organising.

He sounds like a lazy and entitled knob.

roisinagusniamh · 26/12/2019 15:32

Wow....he sounds awful.
Seriously, did you not notice any of these characteristics before you had a baby with him?

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 26/12/2019 15:33

We don't argue a lot, maybe because I try and let things go. It still upsets me when he says it but I genuinely think he doesn't mean it, it's just something he says to end the argument.

He got me a lovely gift, I could go on all day about lovely things he's said and done for me. So many instances of treating me well. Unfortunately I just also have a list of times I've been spoken to like shit. Hes been my only relationship so dont really have much to compare to, and I tell myself all couples have highs and lows.

Honestly, I'm not an attractive person, if we weren't together I'd be by myself. Not to have a pity party, it's just a fact. I was single a long time before we got together and it was really lonely. He's brought so much to my life, just disappointed our first family Christmas wasn't what I envisioned

OP posts:
GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 26/12/2019 15:33

He's done a number on you OP. Please actually 'see' him. He's a horrible bastard and he will not improve from this I guarantee it.

TheHootiestChristmasOwl · 26/12/2019 15:34

Nothing about him sounds lovely.

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 26/12/2019 15:35

Sorry for the long messages, I tend to ramble on!

OP posts:
TheHootiestChristmasOwl · 26/12/2019 15:39

Of course relationships have highs and lows but normal healthy loving relationships don’t have one person treating the other like shit and threatening to split up everytime they argue.

Are you staying with him because you are so grateful that he’s with you? Someone is better than no-one? Being in a shit relationship is not better than being on your own.

You have a baby, you are supposed to be a team.

EKGEMS · 26/12/2019 16:55

Dead god talk about living in denial-"He paid for christmas..and is otherwise a great partner and father" a selfish and rude man with an alcohol problem yeah he's a real prince among men

Cacklingmags · 26/12/2019 20:43

Sounds emotionally abusive OP, sorry to say so, but this aggressive finishing the relationship every time you stand up to him is very abusive.

Needsomebottle · 26/12/2019 21:15

You sound like you have really low self esteem - this business about it simply being a fact that you'd be alone if you didnt have him. Well that's rubbish. I would bet you are a lovely person, there's a reason everyone came to you for Christmas, and why everyone rallied round to help you. There's absolutely nothing to say you would be alone if you didnt have him.

But that wasnt the point of my post. I'd also bet that he knows you think that doesn't he? And that's why he likes to threaten to split up with you when you do argue. He's playing on your vulnerabilities. Then he gets all cuddly cos he knows he's been a twat and knows exactly why he said it and feels guilty.

Do you get out much or have many friends? Do you like yourself? I think you need to work on that so you have confidence standing up for yourself if you remain in this relationship. It sounds at the moment like he is in a position of power and he bloody well knows it, what's more, he uses it.

Butterymuffin · 26/12/2019 21:18

Next time he says 'we're finished' say 'yes, we are, I've had enough'. He will backtrack (not that this is necessarily a good thing!) He does it to keep you in your place. Call his bluff.

CosmoK · 26/12/2019 21:22

Not everyone's Christmas is stressful....he had the ability to take stress away from you but actually added to it in a big way.
He behaved terribly. Please don't blame yourself for any of this.

GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 27/12/2019 05:21

OP genuinely you are being abused. You say you would be alone if it weren't for him. Please wake up. This is his narrative and anyway wouldn't you be better on your own than with an abuser?
Please do the Freedom Programme. You need to have your eyes opened and then stapled open. I have a face like the back of a bus but my DH isn't abusive and never would be. If your DH can't pull it out from somewhere on baby's first Christmas, he never will and I suspect things will deteriorate from here. I don't want to bully you but I can see what you cannot because I have been there, got a tee shirt the beanie hat and the bloody coffee mug. Oh and you don't ramble on. Your posts are well written, intelligent and to the point. Stop denigrating yourself. You are an excellent example of a human being apart from your attempts to apologise for this sub standard man you are attached to.