Rubbish Christmas

[IrnBruAndTwiglets]

I had such high hopes for a special Christmas, it was our first with our gorgeous baby girl and I'm sitting feeling low about how it panned out.

My family, who he gets on great with, arrived at 1ish. Almost right away, he took BIL into the other room to play PlayStation and only came through to get drink after drink. He was apparently making dinner so it then fell to me to do it all. I got more and more frazzled with my wee one needing a feed, so my family were kind enough to chip in and bring it all together. I just wanted to host and for them to relax, not for them to juggle dinner while DP got more and more drunk.

Every sentence had fuck in it, he tends to get more sweary when he's had a drink. I usually don't mind swearing and swear myself, but I could feel myself cringing, especially when wider family came over later at night.

Everyone left about 11, it had been a long day with an early start, and not a lot of sleep on Christmas eve with bubs up most of the night. Was so ready for bed, but DP was determined to stay up with more beer, even though he was pissed, and watch a film. I tried to explain that if I got the baby down, which takes about an hour, and then he came in and woke her up, I'd have to start all over again getting her down. But no, he stayed up till half 1, slept on the couch and woke us up coming into bed at 4.

I'm torn because on the one hand I question myself and say am I controlling, am I a square because I'm not a big drinker and was he just enjoying Christmas his way? Maybe I've built Christmas up to be perfect and I'm only going to be disappointed because everyone's day is a bit stressful. Or am I reasonable to say on your baby's first Christmas you should get involved with opening her gifts and want to make it a special day to remember, help with cooking whilst I'm doing my best impression of a dairy cow and actually spend the day with the mum of the wee girl you've made together. We didn't even get a photo together. Feeling a bit emotional, don't want to be a killjoy because he had a very 'merry' christmas and I know lots of people enjoy drinking on the day to relax. Just feel deflated.

He likes keeping you on edge, worrying he will leave, as he knows you will excuse his bad behaviour out of fear.

He is incredibly manipulative. I'm sorry, but I don't see this working out well for you.

I'd call his bluff, tell him to go - and mean it. It will shock the hell out of him.

Crikey. Not all men judge on 'attractiveness'. The most attractive thing being who you are as a person. You sound like a lovely person. Him? He's a jerk. Playing playstation all day like a little boy? Sorry, but a real man would be a proper dad and spend the day having a nice time with you and your little one. He's an ungrateful pig.

Yes, as PP said, NEVER apologise for a long post. I see it all the time on here and it's almost ALWAYS the mark of an Empath.

People have been quite quick to call him an abuser. I'm not entirely sure, YET!, if he is an abuser or just a lazy arse.

Can you tell us a little more about what your relationship is generally like?

Sorry for disappearing, got a baby who thinks sleep is overrated! What started as a big moan about DP on Christmas day has led to people telling me he's abusive and it's a lot to think about. I genuinely want my wee family to stay together and work, I just wish he could see the day from my perspective. It stood out for me that when we woke up on boxing day he said that was a great day and I just thought seriously?!

Tbf the whole not being attractive thoughts are mine, he counters that with I'm beautiful but I own mirrors! I said before please don't throw we're finished into arguments and explained how it made me feel, and said next time we'll need to be because I can't live with the threat hanging over me like that. But then we move on, it happens again and we stay together so he knows he can say it, it bothers me but I won't do anything about it. He would probably describe me as a fun sponge and nag, but then it's all perspective. If he went on a men's forum they may all agree with him and I'd be the bad guy.

I just feel I owe my wee girl stability. We brought her into this world and I can't blow her wee world apart because life isn't 100% rosy

Is this a one off, for whatever reason? Are there mitigating circumstances at all?

If not, he is simply a selfish twat.

He sounds horrible and toxic. It is not the example of family life, relationships or fathers that I would want to set for my dc. Your dd won't have a happy childhood with him around. Do you want her seeing Christmas as mum doing all the work while dad gets drunk and swears at mum?

OP, you have to understand that this isn't a 'communication issue'. It isn't that he doesn't understand that his behaviour upsets you. It's that he doesn't care.

You can lecture and prescribe to him the behaviour that is correct, but he doesn't care. And why would he change, when he knows you will stay whatever.

And now you have a child in the mix, who will grow up thinking this is what relationships are. If she ends up in a relationship just ,like this, will you be happy for her?

If not, you know what you have to do.

Stop making excuses for him. He's a jerk, you must know that based on how he has behaved and he's said he would do the same again. Ffs. Honestly, I feel sorry for your wee girl if that's the father she's to grow up with.

"I just feel I owe my wee girl stability. We brought her into this world and I can't blow her wee world apart because life isn't 100% rosy"

Sadly your DD will not get any sort of stability whilst you are still with your abusive bloke for what are really your own reasons and fear of being alone is NO reason to stay. This is what each Christmas and days thereafter will be like for her too.

Saying that life is not 100% rosy is in your case further minimising and denial of the truth. Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

He targeted you OP, of that I have no doubt whatsoever. He saw something in you, some overtly nice qualities because you are an empathetic person, he could and has indeed used against you. You perhaps thought that he'd had a hard time in life and that you could perhaps make him become a better person.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here from you two?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Is this the sort of life you envisaged for your own self?. Think on those questions I have asked you.

And you are wrong re saying that you would have no one if you were not with him, you have your daughter and she deserves better than seeing her mother being so disrespected, denigrated and otherwise abused.

HE is the fun sponge, drunkard and nag here; not you. You are not verbally abusive towards him either.

All this man cares about is his own self and getting his own needs met hence too his "what a great day" comment. Great for him perhaps but for you and your DD?.

Why are you so invested anyway in making this work?. You cannot make what is really here a relationship that is over due to his abuse of you work. Do read also about the "sunken costs fallacy" in relationships because that is also causing you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Would you want this for your DD?. No you would not. And this is not good enough for you either. Where did your overall lack of self worth start here, who sowed those seeds of doubt within you?.

Your self esteem is so low; you should not have any relationship until you have learned your value and started to love yourself.

You do not need to be grateful for a thing.

I have been there, feeling grateful whilst being made dreadfully unhappy by the father of my 2 children. All because he had money and I didn't. Nobody should accept shit behaviour for any reason whatsoever and no amount of good behaviour cancels out the shit.

Is your partner under any stresses that may account for his behaviour. Christmas can be very difficult for some people if their lives are in some sort if turmoil. Not a defence I know but an avenue that may be worth exploring.

I'm sorry, but this is abusive behaviour. Where's his sense of decorum, getting drunk and swearing? No wonder you're in tears. He sounds immature, selfish and shows not the slightest hint of remorse. If he threatens to end it again, take him up on his offer. He is trying to frighten you. Think about it. This is not a loving gesture. Sorry. Hope you're ok.

So sorry and sad to read this OP. for you.

When DS2 was only 6 weeks old at Christmas, my DH and parents took over. All I had to do was feed the baby and open presents (even though we were hosting). We also had DD1 to look after who was a very excited toddler at that point, so the day wasn't easy for them!

I say this not as a boast but to highlight just how wrong your DP's behaviour was. Yes folk like a drink on Christmas Day but even in my wilder pre DC I'd struggle to put away even a bit of what he drank! It's your first Christmas with your DC, you're breastfeeding and you are bloody amazing for giving him such a wonderful gift. That sounds cheesy sorry, but my point is, that's how he should be thinking. And yes, having s new baby in the house is stressful and a big change, so ok you might forgive him for having a bit of a drink...but tbh everything you have listed here is unforgivable. You are worth SO much more.

And your DD may not remember this Christmas...but she will remember future ones and I can't see this being a one off.

Not sure why I put 1 and 2 after DC, I only have one of each

he's a great partner generally

You have a strange definition of 'great'

Actually, he's awful.

I just feel I owe my wee girl stability. We brought her into this world and I can't blow her wee world apart because life isn't 100% rosy

There is nothing 'stable' about a father who treats her mother so badly. And not only isn't it 100% rosy, I'm struggling to see 20%.

If I was your mother I would be having a serious talk about you needing to raise your bar.

You are a boiled frog OP.