Name changed as although I don’t post often I feel it could be outting.
I need some support. I am slightly at breaking point and have endless thoughts running through my mind. The lead up to Christmas and recent events have led me to believe my dp’s mind doesn’t function quite how everyone else’s does- apologies if I’m phrasing this incorrectly. I really need to find a way forward so would like some opinions, advice and hand holding.
I will start by saying we’ve been together over a year, live together and have no financial commitments, no children etc. I love him and care for him deeply. I am a kind, honest, Come across as confident but equally it’s taken me a long time to be this way and so suffer with self confidence.
I will go out of my way to put others needs first, often sacrificing my own needs. I wouldn’t ever be horrible to someone or make someone feel worthless. Here is where I’m struggling.
I don’t think our relationship is working- and I don’t know whether it’s just us, me, him or underlying issues. Albeit even if there is whether I want to commit to helping support someone.
The behaviours which lead me to feel exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed are....
- He talks over me, be that in a one to one conversation or more annoyingly in a group. I’m unable to answer my own questions, he retains information about my work and personal couples discussions which he then discusses with others. I’m often left feeling like I’m no longer heard (this wasn’t the case before)
- He cannot take any sort of dry sense of humour or sarcasm. Everything is taken literally. If jokes made by close friends, family etc. He brings them up later and tells me off for saying it, saying that I made him feel belittled etc. He says his siblings do this too and others. These comments really aren’t. But I can see why he feels this so I’ve stopped. Often it means if other wives etc are making jokes about men leaving toilet seats up or silly things men do- I can’t comment because later it’ll be brought up and too much fuss made.
- Lack of eye contact. At first I thought this was due to shyness & he has a slightly lazy eye. But actually I’ll notice he’s often looking elsewhere.
- hyper sensitive to smells ... he easily wretches around things like picking up the dog poo (god forbid we need to change nappies ever), can’t take paracetamol without gagging, if he has a headache it is somehow far worse than everyone else’s. Etc etc
- lack of self care. Forgetting deodorant, not washing clothes so running out of boxers and socks. Not noticing nasal hair, never cutting toe nails. I would just “leave him to it” but then some of these things seem to cause him great stress later on (lack of clean clothes) , me pointing out that his shirt smells even after washing.
- having clear conversations but then they’re forgotten. We’ve made plans and then he’s forgotten. I’ve text him to remind and he’s not read it but replied about something completely unnecessary. Later it’s caused issues.
- anxiety. For me this is a big issue- he frets about being on time, arriving at the airport is stressful he panics and is anxious (asks the time, asks for his passport constantly- I have now said check the time yourself, keep your passport ). He won’t wait for me if a taxi arrives he will go out and get in and call me on my mobile panicking it will leave. (Central London we can get another!). I have to say at the start of each overseas trip we’ve been on I’ve sat on the plane thinking “I can’t cope with this, I feel deflated and exhausted”
- losing things. Keys. Wallet. Clothing. Anything really. I lose things but it’s the level of panic and stress he reaches if these items aren’t in front of him. Also if I ask him to go into a room to grab something, he often comes out saying he can’t find it. It will often be right there. He said he might be dyspraxia but he does nothing to manage this. - I’ve written him to do lists, made him a box for his keys wallet etc.
- lack of self esteem. If I’ve tried to discuss the above he’s either dismissive, defensive or has once and only once opened up and cried saying he’s always felt a misfit, struggled to find a girlfriend, felt he was different. I sympathise here and it’s why I probably have stuck by and thought that I must stay and support him. I used to have extremely low self esteem and can easily slip back to it- I know how hard it is.
- Our sex life is bad. It always has been. I hoped it would improve. It hasn’t. To the point he either has ED, can’t concentrate, my needs are never met ever so I’ve stopped wanting it. It feels like a task because none of it seems about me. My mind is totally elsewhere now. I know I’ve become distant. He’s asked but doesn’t exactly make any moves either. It’s all a bit sad really.
- Certain days or times will be ruined by him suddenly being so hungry he will faint (yet he skips meals and never drinks water). Hangovers will throw him and if he gets a cold he takes days off work and even suggested he had meningitis last week- albeit during this he drank barely any water and lived off junk food (I had to work late).
- he binge drinks. I tried bringing it up but sadly I get back “well so do you, remember that time”
- there are so many other things I could list. But he’s been ill before Christmas. Brought on by excessive London Xmas parties in office and the fact we are all suffering with colds etc. But he’s said I show no sympathy, we’ve bickered a lot recently, full blown argument when on a group holiday.
I would like to add, because I feel it’s important. I suffer with depression and am medicated. I am very stable happy and have a good network of friends, social life and a successful job. My parents suffer with depression and bipolar and I have struggled with this. I have seen how my mother stayed with my father and has suffered. I cannot always be the person to give give give.
I also work in a job - I won’t say what as it’s outting- which requires organisation, meeting the needs of children, demanding at times albeit rewarding. At the end of a work day I am often mentally drained- I’ve taken on a slightly easier job recently (sane career) and feel it’s helped but now this has highlighted my home life as being draining.
Part of me thinks “why didn’t I notice before” or why did i dismiss it. I then think that he’s so kind and caring (will run me a bath after a long day)
That I should be there and push for a doctors, but he literally never goes to one, that I’m early thirties and desperately want a relationship (future marriage kids etc) I adore his family. And the thought of hurting him fills me with such sadness and anxiety.
But I’m home over Christmas feeling so utterly deflated, friends have noticed and asked. I keep snapping and he’s commented I’m nagging. I don’t ever want to be that person.
Ps- wow that was long and sorry for the typos.