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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ghosted by DH

39 replies

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 09:26

Bit of background on me and DH - met and married very quickly, have now been married for a year. 15 year age gap. I've had a few serious relationships and his last serious relationship was 10 years ago.

Our relationship up until now
At the start he lied about his debt, and has lied about paying bills. Throughout the relationship I've struggled with his past (he's slept with up to 150 women), the lack of intimacy (he wants sex twice a month and doesn't like day to day PDA), and his obsession with his job.

In the summer he started a new job which promised better money (6 figures) and no additional travel. The job role has changed and he is traveling at least one night a week, works late a couple of nights a week, and I don't have access to his bank accounts re the additional money. He now showers once a week, doesn't want to go out in evenings/at weekends, never does hobbies and wakes up a couple of hours every night with insomnia. He has told me he would choose his new role over our marriage, and his only other option was to go on benefits. 10 days ago I discovered that his Christmas plans had changed, and instead of being able to "work from home" over the 10 day festive period, he would likely have to be in the office every day except 25th and 26th, and would potentially also have a business trip. I was a bit blindsided and sad (stated my disappointment and asked if he could try and have more time at home). He could not understand why, and said if it were the other way round he'd not be bothered and instead say "what can I do to support you?".

How the ghosting happened
A week ago today he was planning to go in to work late and I asked if we could have sex before he left at 10am. I woke up at 9am to him putting his coat on, and am ashamed to say I got upset at being rejected for the 100th time. No shouting, swearing or name calling, but I asked why he often tried to weasel out of sex, asked him why he hardly ever wanted to be intimate with me, and asked him why he was able to so easily sleep with over 100 women but not his wife. He tried leaving and I stood in front of the door (abusive, I know), he pushed me out of the way and left. When he got to work he messaged me saying we're not a relationship, and said I need to work on my anger issues. I tried messaging him apologies throughout the day, letting him know I was going to get therapy (we have just moved/sorted out private healthcare after a 2 month delay in his end, and I had registered with my GP to deal with my emotional regulation and anxious attachment issues). He kept telling me he didn't know what to do and needed space for the night.

The next day (Friday) I asked if I could come home and if we could make a go of things. No response. I went to the apartment to get some more clothes and he was there. He told me we are broken because of me alone, he doesn't know if we can be fixed, doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore, and doesn't care if I get professional help. He couldn't tell me if we'd be together at Christmas or whether I still lived at the apartment. He gave me no prior warning, never sat me down to tell me my reactions to his actions were upsetting him. Never gave me a chance to fix the relationship. He told me he needed the weekend alone, so I packed a small suitcase and left. We had no contact for 4 days until I sent him a simple, no pressure email along the lines of "are you dropping a hint or do you need a bit more space?" No reply. I have access to his debit card, Netflix and Amazon still, which makes it all even more strange...

I've realised how toxic our relationship is and how rejected and unheard I feel on a daily basis, so arranged to have my things collected from the flat this Friday and messaged him last night to let him know... And he'd blocked me.

I'm now in a situation where, instead of discussing our issues or emailing me and saying he wants a divorce, I have been ghosted by my husband. I suppose what I'm asking is what the hell do I do next? Both of our names are on the lease, all of my belongings are there. I can't get divorced for 2 years and now have nowhere to live and no job (yep, he told me I could leave my job 9 months ago).

Tl;Dr DH asked for space a week ago, has subsequently blocked me and ignored any attempt at communication. My belongings are at our apartment. What do I do?

OP posts:
Perid0t · 26/12/2019 09:30

It sounds like your relationship has never really been healthy OP. He checked out of your relationship a long time ago and he is using your ‘anger’ as an excuse which I don’t really see in this story. I see a woman trying to get attention from a man who couldn’t give a toss.

I can’t really give you any advice on what to do now, except to say that this relationship will never work and you should take steps to work out a future for yourself separately from your husband.

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 09:35

Thank you @peri0dt. I think you're right. It's just come as a huge shock when, of course, you hear "I'll never leave you", "I'm happy with you and don't want to split up" a few days before!

OP posts:
Cream5 · 26/12/2019 09:45

I assume you have a key to your apartment? Just go and collect your things and take a friend or relative with you to help you.

He has another women. There is no business trip. Would put money on it.

ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 09:48

You need to see a solicitor.

Ghosted by DH
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 26/12/2019 09:50

If you live in England you can divorce after 1 year for unreasonable behaviour.

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 09:53

@ohwheniknow it's funny you've posted that because I was looking at it the other day, and my DM said she had a bad feeling about him. That he was a narcissist and was making me do all the work even up until the very last minute.

I've just sent him an SMS stating what I need from him before we can proceed with a divorce, and letting him know again of my arrival at 9am tomorrow!

OP posts:
category12 · 26/12/2019 09:53

If you're in the UK, you can divorce now for unreasonable behaviour. Pretty much everything he's done is that.

I'd do that.

Don't waste too much time and energy trying to understand what happened or why.

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 09:54

Amazing @yesterdaystotalsteps123. Thank you for confirming that. I feel like such an idiot for falling for him and his lies. When I look back now it's all so obvious that I was ignoring screaming red flags...

OP posts:
GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 09:57

@Cream5 it's also funny you should say that. My DF, who himself has had affairs and is very clued up on these things, said he either has someone else or has his eye on someone else.

At least I didn't have to hear the good old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "it's not you it's me". No pick me dance. But I do have to live with the intense shame and guilt I feel after hearing him say I cause him constant stress and I have broken us. It's horrible going from planning your first Christmas to living back at your parents and having to be faced so clearly with all of your demons and wrongdoings.

OP posts:
Cream5 · 26/12/2019 10:01

Op - i would take what he said with a pinch of salt. Its easier to blame you than himself.
If it was all true, he would have sat you down and given you a chance to fix it. But its not true, he just made it up to make himself feel better.

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 10:02

Thank you @cream5, you've been lovely. I was so worried I'd post on here and be told I'm horribly abusive and a nag. It's reassuring to know that it's a unanimous "divorce"

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 26/12/2019 10:15

This guy is no good for you at all. As others have said get away and start divorcing. You'll need a solicitor's advice on making sure you don't pick up his debts as far as possible.

If I were a betting woman I'd say his game in marrying you was something to do with his finances and when you found out about his situation he couldn't execute that plan and has been shitty ever since. I suspect most of what he has told you isn't the truth (such as his job role changing after he had accepted it).

Sssneks · 26/12/2019 10:21

Just as a warning, the frequent next step in the "playbook" is often that he'll get back in touch, sigh and offer to give you another chance, if only you can work on your "terrible" behaviour/issues/mental illness. And from there you end up bending over backwards and putting up with more and more unacceptable treatment.

Don't bite. Get out and stay out. This has every red flag under the sun - age gap, things got very serious very quickly, encouraged you to quit your job, lied about his finances and now he's punishing you for expressing that you're unhappy. Normal people don't ghost their spouse either, even if the relationship is ending.

Get out, run, file for divorce and DO NOT accept when he calls to see if you've 'learned your lesson' and offers you a 'second chance'.

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 10:22

Thanks @hopoindown. Interesting perspective, I hadn't thought of that. I do believe the job role changed to an extent, only because it's all he spoke about for the last few months of the relationship. I met all of his colleagues, met the new MD (his company had a merger), and sat through countless late night conference calls to the US about the new job.

I definitely need to talk to a solicitor re the non marital debt. He acquired it in another country after his sister needed help divorcing her abusive husband (oh, the irony!).

I'm more flabbergasted than anything, that someone I thought loved me believed this was an acceptable way of ending a marriage...

OP posts:
Figgygal · 26/12/2019 10:23

He sounds awful and I'd bet you are about to find out he's most likely massive liar about everything

LadyAllegraImelda · 26/12/2019 10:26

Oh don't believe this is about you OP, he is gas lighting you. He has the issues and it's easy to blame you rather than accept any responsibility, don't fall for it. Protect yourself emotionally from him. I came across someone like this last year. Never give up work so someone can 'keep' you again.

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 10:27

Thanks @Sssneks (Amazing username!). Yes I suspected that once the potential OW was dealt with he'd come running back asking if I'd basically be a good girl now and put up with his crumbs of attention.

I keep having to stop myself from taking the blame and accept that he had a huge part to play in this as well. Embarrassingly, I sent him a long email last night saying that I know where I've messed up this relationship, that I can see how unbearable I was when I would get upset about his promiscuity or suddenly having to take a work trip. How it must have been awful being asked for sex on a regular basis. That I need to know now whether he wants to be with me, but I don't want to remain married to him if he thinks this is an acceptable way of ending a relationship.
It was pathetic, but I'm glad I stood up to him and laid out what I needed

OP posts:
GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 10:30

We have an update…!

So he's just unblocked me on WhatsApp and said this...

"I didn’t / haven’t blocked you, I just haven’t been on my phone much [ah but you had one tick and I couldn't see your last online]. I’ve spent the last few days doing a lot of thinking about what’s happened, and I know you’re trying to get help for things, but I can’t go on that journey with you. It’s too much for me, and for that, I’m sorry. I’m not by nature an argumentative person and being around this makes me so and more, I don’t like who I am around this. I’m going to go and see [friend] tomorrow for a couple of days so feel free to take your time...
On a separate note, I feel it would be good to talk once we have cooled off a little, I spent the weekend thinking and then because it was Christmas, assumed you would be with your family."

OP posts:
GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 10:31

So basically, I know you're struggling with stuff and I can't handle it. Bye!

I'm glad this has happened now so I have closure, but have no idea why he'd want to clear the air. The air is clear, you bailed on our marriage when I needed you...

OP posts:
Techway · 26/12/2019 10:36

I think you are just seeing the real man now and you were love bombed.

Don't be open about your plans for divorce and expect him to be very hostile (although he could also try to hoover you back).

Blaming you is likely to be projection and withholding sex was probadly because he knew this was important to you. These toxic types find out what you value and then use it against you as punishment.

You will feel blindsided by him and hurt but be grateful it is earlier on anc you haven't had children He may even try to come back but just know that if you reconcile this will be your life forever.

Until you meet a disordered individual it is hard to describe how charming and plausible they can be. Many of us have been there si understand how you get sucked in.

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 10:41

Wow thank you @techway. Very wise words. Re the divorce I have just said we need to wait 2 years, I'll be seeing a solicitor in the new year to work out where I stand. For now I am trying to be very amicable, despite him not deserving it, so I can have an inkling of control over the next steps. And to also prove to myself that I am not an emotionally unstable wreck.

You're completely right about this being forever. I listened to a podcast where a therapist said you have to ask yourself "how would your life look if you stayed in this broken relationship?". It would be sex twice a month, no dates, no emotional intimacy, no physical intimacy and always dreading the next last minute work trip. I feel I deserve better than that...

OP posts:
AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 26/12/2019 10:42

If I was you OP I’d be telling him to get to fuck. I had one of these, luckily I didn’t marry him. He had lied about everything but his own name it later turned out. Count this as a lucky escape. File for divorce.

Macca84 · 26/12/2019 10:44

What a twat! He sounds scarily like my ex. Take the high road OP, he'll be fully expecting to have you begging for the relationship to work and that he can waltz back in at any time. Sod that - start the preparations to divorce, see a solicitor etc. So sorry OP Flowers

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 10:45

@allthewhoresofmalta (another great name!) Thank you so much. After his reply basically saying I don't want to be by your side as you get help but I'd like to talk to you once we've cooled off [read, you've done all the hard work], get to fuck is the only response worthy!

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 26/12/2019 10:55

OP, I suspect you don't have emotional or attachment issues, but really bad taste in men. If someone is avoidant and cold towards you, it makes you cling more. This is unsaveable and it will be the making of you to move on from him. Definitely go soon to a divorce lawyer, I'm pretty sure his debts are not yours but you need clarity on what to do Better lick your wounds and live with your parents for a while than go back into this very upsetting situation. Good luck.

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