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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ghosted by DH

39 replies

GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 09:26

Bit of background on me and DH - met and married very quickly, have now been married for a year. 15 year age gap. I've had a few serious relationships and his last serious relationship was 10 years ago.

Our relationship up until now
At the start he lied about his debt, and has lied about paying bills. Throughout the relationship I've struggled with his past (he's slept with up to 150 women), the lack of intimacy (he wants sex twice a month and doesn't like day to day PDA), and his obsession with his job.

In the summer he started a new job which promised better money (6 figures) and no additional travel. The job role has changed and he is traveling at least one night a week, works late a couple of nights a week, and I don't have access to his bank accounts re the additional money. He now showers once a week, doesn't want to go out in evenings/at weekends, never does hobbies and wakes up a couple of hours every night with insomnia. He has told me he would choose his new role over our marriage, and his only other option was to go on benefits. 10 days ago I discovered that his Christmas plans had changed, and instead of being able to "work from home" over the 10 day festive period, he would likely have to be in the office every day except 25th and 26th, and would potentially also have a business trip. I was a bit blindsided and sad (stated my disappointment and asked if he could try and have more time at home). He could not understand why, and said if it were the other way round he'd not be bothered and instead say "what can I do to support you?".

How the ghosting happened
A week ago today he was planning to go in to work late and I asked if we could have sex before he left at 10am. I woke up at 9am to him putting his coat on, and am ashamed to say I got upset at being rejected for the 100th time. No shouting, swearing or name calling, but I asked why he often tried to weasel out of sex, asked him why he hardly ever wanted to be intimate with me, and asked him why he was able to so easily sleep with over 100 women but not his wife. He tried leaving and I stood in front of the door (abusive, I know), he pushed me out of the way and left. When he got to work he messaged me saying we're not a relationship, and said I need to work on my anger issues. I tried messaging him apologies throughout the day, letting him know I was going to get therapy (we have just moved/sorted out private healthcare after a 2 month delay in his end, and I had registered with my GP to deal with my emotional regulation and anxious attachment issues). He kept telling me he didn't know what to do and needed space for the night.

The next day (Friday) I asked if I could come home and if we could make a go of things. No response. I went to the apartment to get some more clothes and he was there. He told me we are broken because of me alone, he doesn't know if we can be fixed, doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore, and doesn't care if I get professional help. He couldn't tell me if we'd be together at Christmas or whether I still lived at the apartment. He gave me no prior warning, never sat me down to tell me my reactions to his actions were upsetting him. Never gave me a chance to fix the relationship. He told me he needed the weekend alone, so I packed a small suitcase and left. We had no contact for 4 days until I sent him a simple, no pressure email along the lines of "are you dropping a hint or do you need a bit more space?" No reply. I have access to his debit card, Netflix and Amazon still, which makes it all even more strange...

I've realised how toxic our relationship is and how rejected and unheard I feel on a daily basis, so arranged to have my things collected from the flat this Friday and messaged him last night to let him know... And he'd blocked me.

I'm now in a situation where, instead of discussing our issues or emailing me and saying he wants a divorce, I have been ghosted by my husband. I suppose what I'm asking is what the hell do I do next? Both of our names are on the lease, all of my belongings are there. I can't get divorced for 2 years and now have nowhere to live and no job (yep, he told me I could leave my job 9 months ago).

Tl;Dr DH asked for space a week ago, has subsequently blocked me and ignored any attempt at communication. My belongings are at our apartment. What do I do?

OP posts:
GhostedWife · 26/12/2019 11:18

Thank you Nearly. I resonated with so much of your message. I often am attracted to men who are aloof and standoffish, and then wonder why my needs aren't getting met. I've been looking in to attachment styles, and it seems to be avoidant men that I am drawn to, with my now ex being no exception. I'm lucky to have such an amazing family around me who have offered me a place to stay and lick my wounds, like you said. Thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
rosabug · 26/12/2019 15:04

Just for the record OP - Witholding or drip feeding sex will eventually drive you (anyone) nuts. You do stupid things when when you've been manoeuvred into that position. Been there and been called a bully because I couldn't deal with the emotional cul-de-sac I'd been put in.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

YesSheCan · 26/12/2019 16:41

From what you said in your OP about all the working away, his last serious relationship apparently being 10 years ago and apparently only showering once a week etc, I'd be wondering if he had another family elsewhere and even if he was already married to someone else when he married you. Might be worth doing a bit of digging without letting him know, for the purposes of information to give your solicitor re the divorce. Good luck Flowers

GhostedWife · 27/12/2019 10:17

@YesSheCan hmm I don't think so, only because we lived together and I'd met his DM. I think it's more a case of very avoidant attachment issues and not wanting to stay in the relationship once bigger issues started showing up - it always felt like I was his OW and his job was his wife.

OP posts:
GhostedWife · 27/12/2019 10:18

@rosabug thank you. Yes being constantly rejected was so crushing for my self esteem. I have been in an abusive relationship previously where he would play the exact same games with sex (I'm too tired, you ask for it so it's not attractive, I feel too much pressure), but for some reason never put two and two together

OP posts:
Gutterton · 27/12/2019 10:48

Where’s the debt from? Is he an addict (sex, alcohol, coke, gambling?). What’s his career history - does he change jobs suddenly or frequently - has he been “made redundant” etc.

Apart from his mother have you regularly met and socialised with his long term friends?

What is his RS history? Does he have DCs?

Gutterton · 27/12/2019 10:54

If your own DF had many affairs then this would have impacted your own emotional development. How did your DM deal with it - did she stay?

Can he be “aloof” as well?

If this is at least the second abusive RS you have been in - then you need some serious therapy to understand how you can emotionally protect yourself. I am assuming that you don’t have kids yet and plan to - if so make sure you do this work before another RS where DCs might feature.

rosabug · 27/12/2019 11:13

@GhostedWife I dealt with this for years. It had more to do with my ex projecting his own self-hatred and feelings of sexual impotence on to me than anything else. But one thing was for sure - he didn't care how I felt and side stepped honest communication at all attempts.

Not long after we finally split I had a 9 month relationship that started wonderfully, then the weirdness began with sex (I suspected he preferred sex with his right hand and his phone ultimately). Then on holiday with him I realised I was starting to feel that same feeling - of being trapped by rejection and confusion - then I came downstairs in the middle of night to find him on the sofa etc etc - he was watching "the news" apparently - on his phone - and when was I "going to stop doing this to us??!!" so I put him on a train home and that was that. No-one was ever going to make me feel like that again. I'd rather be alone with my cat.

GhostedWife · 21/01/2020 07:48

Just wanted to give an update to those of you who kindly posted replies originally.

It's now been a month since we split. After going to collect my belongings we ended up having a brief text conversation wherein he said
"The doors not closed but I just reached breaking point"
"I'd love to keep in touch with you and see where this goes over the next few weeks and months"
"Can we meet in a few weeks to chat? I'd really like to hear how you are and catch up".
So, understandably, I had false hope. The following 3 weeks I had it in my mind that we would be able to reconcile. That he would forgive me for all my wrongdoings and we'd be able to go to MC and get help. I was in complete limbo and just devastated all day every day, thinking I had destroyed my marriage. He had told me I was incessant, constant stress, said I had broken us.

I have had 2 sessions of individual counselling over these 3 weeks, and in my most recent session my therapist said "all I think of when I hear about him is 'control'". It took a few days to sink in, and I ended up writing a list of all the things I had control of Vs him in the relationship. As I'm sure you can imagine, his list was infinitely longer.

I decided to reach out to him to see how he was (as he'd mentioned wanting to catch up). He ignored the message for 24 hours and then eventually spoke to me. I thought "ok, finally we might get to talk". Nope. He needed help with something and as soon as it was done he disappeared.

He then told me he'd be back in half an hour to discuss meeting up. I heard nothing, of course. 4 hours later I reached rock bottom and said words to the effect of "I still love you, I want to reconcile, I miss you". I tried calling him. Nothing. An hour after that I realised that I am doing myself a constant disservice by entertaining this man. I messaged him saying

  • I can't give you what you want and you can't give me what I want
  • we need to discuss divorce as we can either do it ourselves or go to court
  • I need to know when I can get the remainder of my belongings
  • I need to know how much longer I'll be on our health insurance to continue receiving therapy.
He replied saying he'd get back to me tomorrow. Surprise surprise, he didn't.

It's now dawned on me that I was married to a pathological liar. The previous poster who said that I likely know nothing about this man is probably right.

Thank you to everyone who gave me support at the time. I've finally found a semblance of a backbone and am working hard to continue to listen to my needs and not caring about what he needs. Thank god for therapy!

OP posts:
GhostedWife · 21/01/2020 07:54

I understand that I cannot get legal advice here and would need to see a solicitor, but any stories about short marriages and getting back money owed would be gratefully received.

He owes me 4k from during our marriage and I have messages and bank account statements to prove this. I know that he has been given considerable shares at work during our year long marriage, and also has money in savings/earns 6 figures with comission/would have had a considerable sum put in his pension pot over the last 12 months. He told me to quit my job because I was unhappy and he has been supporting me since marriage (lesson learned, don't worry). Laughably, I have no access to his bank accounts, so would need to hire a forensic accountant.

I am doubting more and more that he will do anything regarding our divorce so it will likely all be my job to sort (like everything else in the marriage).

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 21/01/2020 08:06

How long did you cohabit before marriage?
This could lengthen your marriage from short to medium for settlement purposes.

Does he own property? Pension? Investments?

Do you have proof that he told you to quit your job and that he would support you? It's not that helpful - if you're young with no kids, you're unlikely to receive any maintenance, but it might help with a short marriage settlement.

He'll have to supply 12 months bank statements on each account if you take he finances through court (that's very expensive though, if you are represented).

GhostedWife · 21/01/2020 08:21

Thanks pics. No evidence of him asking me to quit, unfortunately, but evidence of the money being owed via messages and separate communication with our landlord.

Only cohabiting for 3 months. He's currently living in the flat that we share a lease for, and that is where the money went (deposit). We had a 4 month break clause that is accessible from February 1st. I'm very tempted to give notice, as ex promised I'd have the first chunk of repayment at the end of this month. I'm not expecting any maintenance, I just would like the money back that I put in (clean break, I suppose).

He has stocks, company shares, a pension, but no property. I have minimal savings, and pension. No stocks or shares.

He's a typical avoidant so I do not expect him to initiate any proceedings. What I am hoping is that by explaining to him how expensive and lengthy (and intrusive) going to court will be, he will transfer me the money. He's "anything for an easy life" sort.

OP posts:
Mumsnut · 21/01/2020 13:56

it is generally said on here th at if a husband is dragging his feet in divorce proceedings, it is to give himself time to hide money/assets

GhostedWife · 21/01/2020 14:08

Thanks mumsnut. Went to therapy this morning and helped me write a message to him simply saying "I'm coming tomorrow to get the final lot of my belongings and need a response to what's happening with the divorce and money you owe me."

He's told me he's in no rush to divorce and will be paying back the money monthly(!)

Apparently he's still angry so doesn't know what he wants but "appreciate you want an answer so let's make that decision." I.e. it's over.

When I am there tomorrow I am planning on taking pictures of all bank statements and share statements (he is so unorganised they'll hopefully still be lying around the flat)

OP posts:
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