Gutted my husband didn't spend Christmas with me

[RubyG3112]

My husbands family live abroad, he is so close to them (as I am to my family) and we started having the awkward 'where to spend Christmas' conversations months ago but we couldn't come to an agreement that we were both happy with. I should say, the last 6 years we've always spent Christmas with our own families and I always go over to my husband and his family on Boxing Day and stay for a week or so.

This year would have been our first Christmas as a married couple and as parents (our son is 8 weeks old) so we wanted to be together. He asked me to have Christmas with his family and I just felt too guilty about leaving my own parents, who are much older than his and were so excited about being with my baby, who they idolise! Whilst my husbands family is much larger and would have a house full of children and visitors.

Even though I wanted him to stay home with me, I didn't want to out right ask him because I knew he would stay out of moral duty and I couldn't bare the thought of him being here and missing his family and feeling homesick. In the end we decided to spend Christmas with our own parents as the baby would have no idea what was going on anyway.

I went over with him to spend a week with his family so they could spend time with the baby and we had the whole Christmas build up together and I flew home to my family with the baby yesterday. Even though it was the plan, I can't help feel absolutely gutted that we didn't spend Christmas together, I've been looking at so many posts on Instagram and Facebook of couples and new families and how happy they are and feel so hurt my husband didn't want to be with me and the baby.

Am I being selfish because I also chose to be home or am I right to feel hurt and tbh resentful that he spent the day being pampered by his mum like he's still a child rather than be here with us being a dad and a husband? I feel like he considered his parents and siblings his real family and me and the baby are second best.

To be fair OP didn't make the same decision... she was with their baby. The husband chose to be away from the baby and with his parents. I'd be irritated too...first Christmas with a new baby is absolutely priceless irrelevant if the baby "knows" or not. You, as parents know and it is a priceless memory

I would have been mightily pissed off if this was my DH

This is all very sad. Your husband should have gone back with you.

But more importantly to me is the enabling his parents are doing, to keep you apart on the day. If my son was married, had a newborn, and lived in a different country, I would DEMAND he spend the day with his wife. I would actually kick him out of the house before Christmas day, and tell him his place is with his wife and child. What sort of a mother would be ok with her son being with her, and not with his wife and child? Why didn't his parents tell him he is being ridiculous and has to go back with his wife?

His parents are enabling his behaviour and egging them on. They refuse to do the decent and honourable thing and force him to go back to you, which means you have to step up. Or maybe your mother can talk to her son in law and tell him how disappointed she is at his treatment of her daughter and grandchild? She shouldn't have to, his own parents should have set him straight and kicked him out when you left. Unfortunately his parents don't have the principles or honour to do this, so I think your mother needs to have a talk to him. Mother-in-law to son-in-law.

His parents are enabling his behaviour

No more than OP's parents, who were quite happy for a first time mum of an 8 week old baby to slave in the kitchen all day away from her husband.

Next year, flip a coin. Heads, your choice to either stay at home and invite family of origin or go to your parents. Tails, his choice. Then alternate.

You both went to your respective parents homes for Christmas for whatever reason traditions/obligations but how did these traditions begin? by you both as children having Christmas as a family with your parents.
Now it's time to give your brand new baby that tradition too his Christmases with both his parents together! The new family.

Neither you or your partner are any better or worse than each other in regards to Christmas Day, you both chose your respective families over each other. You are VERY unreasonable to suggest that seeing your in laws 6 - 12 times a year is in any way equivalent to seeing your family at least once a week, and a hat you should spend every Christmas with your family going forward. Your child has two sets of grandparents whether you like it or not.

It’s not good that you fell into the role of providing Christmas for them

That's very true, especially as it might set a precedent in their minds

Only too easy, now OP's already "done Christmas for them" once, to imagine them insisting they can't possibly manage for themselves next time

Posted too soon*
Time to sit down and really talk about what being a family is and start seeing each other and baby as a unit.
And really ask yourselves your dh too what where your own memories of Xmas past? Did your dh travel to his grandmothers house with his mother while his father went elsewhere. Did your mother return to her childhood home leaving your Dad in your other grandparents house? Did you all spend Xmas as children as separate families?
I'm willing to bet that neither of these scenarios ever occurred.

Apologies; bold fail on the title there ...

I think you're all as bad as each other tbh.

I think you should alternate HOWEVER there’s no chance I would fly or go to another country with an 8 week old baby. So whilst I think this year he should’ve stayed at home, I do think from now on you alternate

Oh my goodness, this isn't a competition. You're both ridiculous. You are not children. Alternate like everyone else does and stop being so dramatic. You, dh and dc should be together at Christmas and everything else should work around that.

m0therofdragons thanks for you insightful input, obviously I hadn't thought of alternating years 🤦🏻‍♀️. we made the decision to be apart because he missed his family and I wanted to look after my parents because they're old and struggling at the moment. But your judgemental and aggy response has definitely helped.

I was feeling low on Christmas Day and thanks to some kind words and generally helpful responses I've got some perspective and can see it's a tricky situation but next year will communicate better and try and make a plan that suits us as a family.

As a mother in law and grandmother I would be astonished if any of my adult DC CHOSE to spend Christmas apart from their other halves and children. Normally I think each to their own but this is really sad as your family is the unit now. I suggest you toss a coin and then who loses goes to the in laws next year and vice versa or invite both sets to you (though that he its own difficulties). We have had an off Christmas this year and they're all with their in law families making memories. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'd advise you to get a precedent sorted before your DC get too big.

I haven't had a Christmas at home for 30yrs. Partly because my family don't make a big deal of Christmas and partly because I never wanted to travel back home (I live 200 miles from them).

This meant we've gone to inlaws every Christmas and now I'd quite like one with my parents occasionally but I know my DH wouldn't come & my (young adult) DC would find it odd to travel back to my hometown to celebrate too, so I either go alone or carry on with the status quo.

No room to host my parents, so they wouldn't travel to me.

I should add, my inlaws live local to me, so we spend CD at their house.