Gutted my husband didn't spend Christmas with me

[RubyG3112]

My husbands family live abroad, he is so close to them (as I am to my family) and we started having the awkward 'where to spend Christmas' conversations months ago but we couldn't come to an agreement that we were both happy with. I should say, the last 6 years we've always spent Christmas with our own families and I always go over to my husband and his family on Boxing Day and stay for a week or so.

This year would have been our first Christmas as a married couple and as parents (our son is 8 weeks old) so we wanted to be together. He asked me to have Christmas with his family and I just felt too guilty about leaving my own parents, who are much older than his and were so excited about being with my baby, who they idolise! Whilst my husbands family is much larger and would have a house full of children and visitors.

Even though I wanted him to stay home with me, I didn't want to out right ask him because I knew he would stay out of moral duty and I couldn't bare the thought of him being here and missing his family and feeling homesick. In the end we decided to spend Christmas with our own parents as the baby would have no idea what was going on anyway.

I went over with him to spend a week with his family so they could spend time with the baby and we had the whole Christmas build up together and I flew home to my family with the baby yesterday. Even though it was the plan, I can't help feel absolutely gutted that we didn't spend Christmas together, I've been looking at so many posts on Instagram and Facebook of couples and new families and how happy they are and feel so hurt my husband didn't want to be with me and the baby.

Am I being selfish because I also chose to be home or am I right to feel hurt and tbh resentful that he spent the day being pampered by his mum like he's still a child rather than be here with us being a dad and a husband? I feel like he considered his parents and siblings his real family and me and the baby are second best.

Same situation ish . No baby . Haven't ever spent Xmas together . Going to be a lifetime of these kind of issues .

Hoping in a couple of years we can host and have both families !

MissSueDenim my parents live around an hour away so I normally go in when my husband goes to the gym after work (which is near my parents house) so I stay for an hour and he picks us up, he usually comes in for 5 or 10 mins and we head home to get ready for work (before I finished work a couple of months ago I was a teacher so out the house around 12 hours a day) so the times I visit are always nice but generally just exhausted after work, have dinner or tea and head home to carry on with daily life, whereas we spend weeks with his family - which are lovely- as we plan days out, have dinners, and really make memories. Probably something I need to make more of an effort to do with my own parents.

I think you've brought this on yourself to be honest, as you didn't say what you wanted! You're right you need to start making your own family Christmas memories as adults together, which means communicating properly about what you want and coming to the solution openly - no need for hidden resentment

Anoncatchat - sounds perfect. Hopefully one day that'll be the plan for us too 🤞🏼

I might also suggest staying In our own home, so we wake up in our own house, making our own memories and traditions, then go to my parents for the afternoon or evening and travelling as a family to his parents on Boxing Day and spending the rest of the holidays there each year.

Right so that means:

1. You see your family every single Christmas Day

1. He never gets to spend Christmas Day with his family again

Despite the fact you see your family more anyway.

So basically you get exactly what you want?

I think the main point is to make memories in our own home and establish ourselves as a family, and one afternoon with my parents vs a week or more likely 2 with his family seems fair to me. Seeing as we holiday there and have spent both our birthdays for the last few years with them, also Easter and every New Year for the last 6 years. I also got married over there so he could make his parents happy getting married in the same church as they did, something that they wanted. None of these things were 'getting exactly what I wanted', I compromised so think this is actually quite a fair suggestion.

I think you both need to stop trying to live in a happy families fairytale.

I don’t think he’s in the wrong. You could of went with him.

Instead of trying to please everyone Else.. maybe start doing your own thing now you have a child.

He chose to spend Xmas with his family instead of with his wife and baby??????

You had to cook and juggle an 8 week old while he presumably was waited on????

You flew with an 8 week old??? Advice is not to fly until 3 months old,it can damage their ears!

His family has lots of extended family, yours does not, your DF is recovering from an op and your DM has just lost sight in one eye, your DH STILL chose to stay with his family having already been there a week.?????

You need a serious chat, huge red flags here.

I went over with him to spend a week with his family so they could spend time with the baby and we had the whole Christmas build up together and I flew home to my family with the baby yesterday

So you flew with a baby, who hasnt been vaccinated? Less than 2 months old? And your husband didnt travel with you, and left you to have your first Christmas alone, well that pretty shitty behaviour on his part. Can you see where you and your baby rank in his eyes?

Tbh, this is on you. You don't see his family as often, and live way closer to yours. You made the exact same choice he did, but this is his fault? You could have prioritised 'your new family'...but you didn't.

You have a newborn and didn't spend Christmas Day together! As soon as I got married and had children I had a new family. They came first over all others. We have spent every Christmas at home since the children were born. We have invited others and it's up to them if they come or not. Both sets of parents were a bit miffed at first, but soon got used to it.

then go to my parents for the afternoon or evening and travelling as a family to his parents on Boxing Day

So your solution for a new tradition is that you get to see your family every Christmas Day and he never does!

Yes, I’m sure he will love your new plan...

I’m honestly quite gobsmacked that a new father chose not to spend Xmas day with his baby. That would concern me.
You need to spend Xmas as a family and tell his family to fly over to you once in a while. See your family on Xmas eve or Boxing Day.

This is a communication problem.

You didn't want to outright ask him.

You're second guessing a chain of thoughts and motivations and avoiding communicating clearly on the basis of what you think he'll probably theoretically do and why you think he'd theoretically be doing these imagined things.

In marriages which cross cultures it is even more vital than in marriages where you share a cultural background to communicate clearly. Don't avoid saying what you mean. That way madness, misery and misunderstanding lies.

You'll never be happy unless you communicate properly.

I'm sorry both of you felt your parents were more important than your new family. If I were you, when you are both back together, look at ways Christmas could work in the future. Write down as many suggestions and arrangements as you can. Both of you then can reject a couple - and if I were your husband, I'd be rejecting spending every Christmas with your parents, and never with his. If I were you, I'd be rejecting spending Christmas like you just have. And look at how you could balance the rest.

When we lived in the UK, we did a 3 year cycle. Year 1 at home, year 2 with inlaws, year 3 with my parents. (When we lived abroad, it was a bit more fluid, and yes, I did leave DH working over Christmas, including the 25th, and fly to my parents with the kids).

Scuba NHS advice is it is ok to fly from 2 weeks. Sone airlines will take from 2 days (tho identification could be problematic I would imagine).

Just do what most people do and alternate. Good grief. It’s really not that difficult.

We have had this year at home with DHs dad visiting, we’re all ff to my family today, and then we’ll get together with DHs brother and family early next year for a sort of belated second Christmas. Next year we’ll most likely go to my family for the day, then head off to see DHs family afterwards. It honestly doesn’t need to be such an angst-fest.

I can see why you kind of had no choice but to fly home and be with your family OP. No one was in any fit state to cook a Christmas dinner and do the slog so basically, if you hadn't gone back, they'd have had a pretty crap Christmas. I can also see that if it's at the stage where your dad is needing a hip replacement and your mum has gone blind, you are wondering how many more Christmases you will get with them? They obviously aren't in the best health and you say they are quite elderly?

It would be upsetting to have spent a week with your IL's and for your DH to not fly back and help out and be with his wife and DC. He's a grown man now and needs to realise he has an 'immediate' family and you going back was needed basically, doing your family duty to give your parents a decent Christmas otherwise it might have been a micro meal for everyone! Not a nice thought to have while you're tucking into a lovely meal at your IL's to think that your parents and heavy pregnany Dsis are all struggling about trying to make the best of the things.

I think you need to speak to your DH and explain that your parents are elderly and health is waning now so it's important that you're around to help with Christmas. Your sister won't be pregnant next year so she can help. So the best thing to do is spend one year at home and go round to help your parents then go one year to your IL's? Your child will need years where they get to spend Christmas in their own house, or at the least the morning, so they can play with all their toys. I think he needs reminding of all this.

That aside, merry christmas OP. You managed to give your parents a nice Christmas with an 8 week old in tow for which I'm sure they appreciate it? When is your DH due back?

As others have said you need to agree and establish a rotating pattern from now on until you are in the position to host yourselves or be by yourselves. You and your DH need to clearly establish that you are a family unit yourselves and sadly some men take a bit more pushing than they should do to realise that they aren't mummy's boy anymore but a husband and a father, and you also need to realise that your caring responsibilities need to start with what is best for your child now.

Spending Christmas apart was a combination of both of you not wishing to compromise and external factors (such as frail elderly relatives). Hopefully your sister will take the load of looking after your folks next year and you can get a sensible compromise in place.

to make memories in our own home and establish ourselves as a family, and one afternoon with my parents vs a week or more likely 2 with his family seems fair to me

It does to me too, but then I tend to think of the 25th as one day of the season and something that can be worked around

Be aware, though, that any change you make will probably meet resistance from one family or the other, very possibly in the form of an "illness" which will mean it's almost certainly "their last Christmas"

For me the real issue is that you've continued to act as two singletons rather than a new family, and that's something only the two of you can change - preferably together

I’m honestly quite gobsmacked that a new father chose not to spend Xmas day with his baby. That would concern me.

As much as it concerns you that she took her newborn baby away from its father for their first Christmas?

No thought not... 🙄

Oh Op, that's horrible. My son was 6 weeks old for his first Christmas and I'd have been devastated had my husband not spent it with us. I get that you chose your parents also, but given the circumstances you describe, what you did doesn't sound unreasonable.

Agree that you need to have a proper talk and decide on new traditions next year which puts your family of 3 at the heart of them.

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with your quality time reasoning. You don't have more quality time with your parents because you don't want to. You live close by and see each other every week.
His parents live abroad and there's no quality time that compensates for only being together a couple of times during the year.
Try a long distance relationship with your OH and then let me know what's best.

You should reach some form of compromise and someone must give in first in some way.
This year, I'd have proposed he returned with you and then you'd swap next year. Or go to his on Christmas day this year then reverse next year.

Would it be possible for his parents to travel to yours occasionally?

If you basically assume that you're a unit and you go together with some exceptions, then decisions should be for the benefit of both.
If he can't meet you somewhat in the middle, then you have a problem.
But the thing is that you're not being fully reasonable in this matter.

Your parents and sister should, this year, have said - right, we’re going out for lunch / getting everything prepped from M&S / invited themselves somewhere. It’s not good that you fell into the role of providing Christmas for them. You and your dh need to have a hard look at creating your own identity as a family unit. I can’t fathom how he stayed with his family while you flew home with a newborn, and I can’t fathom how neither of you stood up for yourselves v your respective families.

I'm from Southern Spain my husband is from Northern Spain, exactly 1000 km away. We started going together first one then the other family, then one at Xmas and one at New Year's Eve, then two years ago separately. Then last year with baby, I said enough was enough. My family for Constitution Day on Dec. 6, his for Xmas. Now this has been our first Xmas at OUR home with our toddler. So much more relaxed. We have started a new tradition.