Yesterday everything was good.

[FreshBread]

Yesterday, I went to see a friend of mine. She was really pleased to hear that, for the first time in the 8 years that she has known me, I am ending the year well and looking forward to entering the next.

I started a new relationship 6 weeks ago; a new job 4 weeks ago and my band is going well.

Everything felt really positive yesterday.

But today I feel that i need to walk away from all of it in order to protect myself. Well, not work - I'll stick at with my job but the desire to end this fledgling relationship is overwhelmingly strong. He sent me a christmas message late morning and I haven't been able to read it, let alone reply. I feel the need to walk away from my band and a huge desire to isolate myself.

So, what you are proposing is to walk away, self sabotage, before your preconceived idea of it all going horribly wrong becomes a self fulfilling prophecy!

Why bother actively buggering it all up if it is going to go pear shaped anyway?

Why not just enjoy all the good moments and think "told you so!" if/ when it goes wrong of it's own accord?

So you're afraid?

Yes. I guess.

What's the point in buggering it up? Well, as far as the relationship goes, it gets it over and done with. As far as the band goes, I discovered a few days ago that there have been rumours about me having an affair with one of the men. I haven't been but we are good friends and he and his wife have recently separated. And I don't want to he around people who can think that of me. I guess.

So you're afraid?

Yes. But it's more than that. Something doesn't feel 'right'.

The guy I'm seeing is lovely. Treats me well, is respectful, has introduced me to his friends, isn't ashamed of being seen with me in public, considers my feelings etc but there is no 'emotion' there. I have no idea how he feels about me.

I've read his message now but it's so emotionless, I can't think of a suitable response beyond "Thanks. You too x"

Doesn't feel right because you're not used to being treated decently and life going smoothly?

If your nervous system is used to having to constantly deal with everything being stressful and difficult it's natural your whole body would feel wrong if that suddenly wasn't the case and it didn't have any stress to respond to.

From your list of good points about this new guy I'm wondering if you've had abusive relationships in the past? Because if so you wouldn't be the first woman to go from that to a healthy relationship and feel it was flat/empty/emotionless because you've been so conditioned to read "drama" and control as love and emotion. Again, it's about giving yourself time to adjust and letting your nervous system get acclimatised to what a healthy relationship feels like.

The sensible thing to do would be to sit with that discomfort until you and your body adjust to the new normal. Not sabotaging yourself so you can go back to the comforting familiarity of life being shit.

ohwheniknow

Thank you.

Yes, I grew up in an emotionally abusive household. All of my relationships have been abusive in some way or another. Mainly mentally/emotionally. I've never been in a loving relationship. Lots of love bombing that has, obviously, amounted to nothing.

I've been very confused because he treats me well and even considered me when making his Christmas plans. But his communications with me electronically and in person feel devoid of any emotion.

I'm uncomfortable sitting with the discomfort because I dont know if it's the right thing to do or not.

Thank you though. I think I really needed to read what you wrote.

Please understand that when you come from abuse, normal interactions feel devoid of emotion.

Emotional abuse creates a very high degree of intensity in both negative and positive emotions. You're used to very low lows, but also high highs, so normal interactions can seem insubstantial in comparison.

Dont make any sudden moves or decisions for now OP. Christmas can prompt high emotions and trigger sad memories that your mind may not even be conscious of. Sometimes just your body has the memory and it can feel like doom and dread.

Can you send a short sweet reply and then turn phone off, bath, tea, christmas movies? Do what soothes you. You will feel better - I just strongly advise not to say things you can't take back or make decisions that cant be undone. Wait a week or two. X

Thanks, rvby. That's very good advice.

I will reply but I can't do it yet. I need to wait until later when I'm on my own and I have time to think. I agree with writing a short sweet response.

I think I've been so used to high emotion dysfunctional relationships that I just dont know whether this is disinterest or normal!

Prior to him (over the past 5 years - I don't 'date') I met a man who messaged excessively to the point it made me ill. There were huge declarations of love and it was very intense. Before that, the guy told me that he loved me on the third date. I knew that was too soon and mentally dismissed it but he ended things the first time I challenged him for treating me with a lack of respect and prior to that, the guy had changed the background photo on his phone to one of me by the second date. I know these were all 'wrong' but I'm kind of reading the lack of high emotion as ambivalence and dont know how to tell the difference.

Over the past 6 weeks, I've seen this man 2-3 times a week. With 3 over night stays. We stay up all night talking; sex doesn't always happen (i have some issues around sex due to past experiences and I think he's been quite responsive is picking up when I have been uncomfortable with something - I find it difficult to talk about it but he's scaled things right back); I've met some of his friends; his family know about me; he has considered me in his Christmas plans and he always seems keen to see me. He holds my hand when we have been with other people so we are obviously 'together' then. Perhaps I'm overthinking...

I really agree with rvby's post, such good advice. Do nothing that you will regret almost immediately you've done it. Nothing needs to be done today.

Note the high-highs and low-lows because for some, what's left when it's not one of those can feel like not being 'alive' at all. That's not normal or healthy but you can overcome that. We're all conditioned in some way or other, you're not on your own.

Wishing you a peaceful, restful Christmas. :)

Thank you, Lying.

I really like him and I think I deserve someone good in my life.

I know that, when I was younger, I walked away from similar men who I interpreted as being disinterested in me. As a result, I've never had a loving, respectful relationship.

I'd really like this one to be different.

I've been thinking about this overnight.

And it still not sitting right. I guess the lack of emotion in it means I don't really know how he feels at all. I don't know what words to use to describe the situation to others. I don't know if I should be developing feelings or not. I dont know if this is how he always is in relationships or of it's just me. I don't know how he sees things.

And, more than that, I don't know how to bring it up with him. Or if, or when, I should.

He doesn't really talk about his feelings about a lot of things tbh and, from other things he's said, I think he has learnt to keep his feelings very much to himself. He doesn't seem at ease with them.

He has obviously loved in the past and has referred to us both having loved and lost and how certain places/songs/films can recall those times and those people and thoughts of why it didn't work out etc.

But he hasn't even actually told me that he likes me.

I think I deserve someone good in my life.

You do

You!

You deserve to be the best you you can be for you! I'm not sure looking outside you to make you whole actually works, long term

How much counselling have you had?

Thanks, I get that. I just think that, statistically speaking, not every single person I meet can be someone my boundaries should be keeping out - forever!

If i were to judge him on his actions, i would say that he likes me but verbally and emotionally, other than not wanting to leave it too long before we see each other next, there is nothing. He hasn't even told me that he likes me. I'm just inferring that from everything else.

If I were to judge it on his actions, I'd say he really likes me but there is nothing to back it up verbally or emotionally at all.

Actions speak louder than words.
It’s only been 6 weeks. No need to push it, sabotage, and then regret it. Just try keeping it light? As PP said let it be and work out on its own.
Once he is comfortable with he will open up and declare his feelings. Remember everyone has a baggage.
Try to meditate. 🌹
Very happy on your behalf for all you have achieved so far. Happy New Year 🎄

You're right, of course, Inexperiencedchick

I suppose it's just that I have no idea whether this level of discomfort and uncertainty is going to be worth any 'pay off' at the end.

I know that, previously, I would have wished him well and walked away by now. But I'm also aware that I'm in my mid 40s and have never had anything other than dysfunctional relationships. So clearly I need to be doing something different!

I think the fact he has introduced me to some of his friends is a big one for me. My exh didnt introduce me to any of his friends for nearly 2 years and always walked 6+ feet in front of me when we went out anywhere. He, of course, always had very plausible explanations for this but I found something he'd written down one day and, when I spoke to him about it, it transpired that he was was embarrassed and ashamed that I wasn't 'beautiful'. He was right. I'm not. But I dont want to be with someone who is embarrassed and ashamed of me! So being introduced to friends and going out in public is a big indicator for me.

I want to be with someone who is pleased/proud that they are with me. Not someone who feels they want to hide me away.

Neither has he suggested I lose weight - which usually happens around this point, regardless of what they say at the beginning about not caring. But then again, neither has he complimented me.

I woudlnt expect to be told I'm beautiful because I'm not. But "you look nice" would be nice to hear. I think he's told me that twice.

So we had a brief exchange today.

I told him i was looking forward to seeing him next and he replied 👍🏻

It's that kind of thing.

What do you assume is normal at 6 weeks in? Can you explain what you expect from him, perhaps with examples?

What would ideal look like for you?

I read your recent exchange and am struggling to.imagine what you're expecting beyond what hes doing, if it's a non abusive, authentic relationship that you are after. So I would like to know more.

I would agree with: If your nervous system is used to having to constantly deal with everything being stressful and difficult it's natural your whole body would feel wrong if that suddenly wasn't the case and it didn't have any stress to respond to

Because this is something I've had problems with throughout my life.

It's also hard to believe you deserve good things sometimes and I would end good things before someone else got the chance to do it first.

OP, he sounds lovely - lots of green flags.

rvby

Tbh, I have absolutely no idea what I think it should look like. Absolutely no idea!

So I'm happy to have shared these and be told it's good and green flags tbh. Because i just don't really have a clue.

You are overthinking! His actions so far show he cares and really likes you.

I think you should enjoy the relationship for what it is: friends first, get to know each other really well. It's nice he's introduced you to his friends. He seems polite and to respect you and your space - bit early days IMO for anything more. Enjoy it and let it develop at its own pace.

I have absolutely no idea what I think it should look like.

Ok, understood. Do you know why you're feeling worried about it then? Typically, worry would stem from some kind of expectation that's not being met?

If you had no expectations, youd likely be unworried and calm. But you dont seem to be either of those (?)

Is it possible that you're experiencing a functional, normal early relationship, but it's so unfamiliar that its making you feel worried/culture shocked? Possible opportunity to accept that, and just make some efforts to let go of expectation, rather try to look at the relationship with curiosity and peace as it unfolds, rather than white knuckling through it or similar.

My dp was a slow mover, I'm relatively slow but also a non worrier - at 6 weeks in, I got a merry xmas text and that was it. He first called me beautiful (as a real observation, not a throwaway "you look lovely) at least 10-12 months in. That's late going, but everyone is different and being even very very slow is fine, as long as everyone involved feels safe and comfortable.

It's going fast that is way more of a red flag. I'd say that emotional statements at 6 weeks in would be one of those.