Alcoholics ruin everything (including Christmas)

[Justyouraveragehuman]

Split up with my partner a few months ago (this is a positive thing) and have since had to move back in with my parents temporarily until I have enough money to go at it alone.

My mums an alcoholic and when I didn’t live here I felt at peace knowing I didn’t have to be around her abuse that I had suffered from for years. Now I am back here I honestly cannot cope with it.

It’s not constant but every few weeks she’ll go on these massive ‘benders’ being so so drunk and mentally, emotionally and psychically abusive for weeks to all of us. She’s been caught drinking on park benches the lot! When she’s sober it’s very strange as everyone else in the house just carries on as nothing ever happened for an easy life but I just can’t get over these behaviours. You’d be shocked at some on the nasty things she does. I honestly hate my mother as awful as that is to say and simply can not forgive her! Just the site of her boils my blood.

Last night (Christmas Eve) she had a drink. She wasn’t too drunk but this is usually how the benders start.

Anyone else hating Christmas being with an Alcoholic parent/husband/wife ect?

What a lovely Christmas

:( :( :( So sorry you're having to live like this. Hang on in there and soon you'll be able to escape. xxx

I know where you're coming from and I hope you get out of there soon. The toxic combination of hating the things they do and knowing you are powerless to do anything about the situation just casts a massive shadow over your life. Come the 28th it will be 2 years since I made my alcoholic husband leave after he threatened to kill me - I called the police and didn't let him come back. It's a tough anniversary, but since that time Christmas and life in general has been infinitely better.

Addiction ruins so much and not just for the addict.

Interested- Thank you for your kind words, this is exactly what I am focusing on! The getting out. Hopefully next Christmas will me much more peaceful.

Pointy-Well done for making that brave move, it is great to know life has been much better for you. Alcoholism destroys so many things yet alcohol is such an accepted part of socialising day to day

@Justyouraveragehuman it’s tough living with an alcoholic. My dad is an alcoholic and I lived with my parents up till a few years ago. My dad has been close to death due to his drinking and to be honest I’m surprised the man is still alive. Luckily he doesn’t get physically abuse but the words and the emotional stuff is not good. My poor mum has just got used to it and the strong woman she is doesn’t take any shit from my dad.

Since I have moved out I will only stay the night if I have to as he so worse at night and when I do I usually have anxiety. So I do feel your pain.

Thing is with alcoholics is they don’t think they have a problem. If anything they think we do. All I can say is bide your time till you can afford to move out.

If it’s too tough have you thought of doing a houseshare for the time being? Just got peace of mind and to get out?

Ergh! I can't stand alkies. They are either pissed or they're crabby and nasty coz they're not drinking

Yup, just found an empty bottle of red wine hidden in the bin.

I’m the same with my mother
Her being drunk instantly flips a switch in me now and I have zero tolerance for it
I haven’t spoken to her for over a year as I can’t even remember what she’s like sober anymore

Yep. It's hell OP. Bring with an alcoholic is like being bullied none stop. Truly awful.
Look after yourself and feel no guilt if you decide to cut ties.

Sorry to all who are having to deal with alcoholics over Christmas.

My kids's dad - who I can't afford to leave yet - was a rude arse at Christmas lunch, came home early and drank a 6 pack. It's less than a year since he got sober because he was half dead in the ICU.

This morning he whines 'but it was Christmas!'

Christmas, so he is free to destroy my very fragile peace of mind re his new sobriety. I told him this morning that a. he behaved like a rude arse b. don't come to Christmas lunch next year c get a bloody therapist if he's so sad he 'needs a drink' and d. do not bring that shit into my home again.

Let's see what happens. My money is on him ramping up the 'Christmas spirit'. I dunno what I did in a past life to deserve this crap, but it must have been bad.

Its temporary love, patience and focus on being able to get out of there as soon as possible. You know you cant change her. So remove yourself as much as possible amd try being as thick skinned as you possibly can. Thats not your life. And you wont have to live like that indefinitely, just for a little while. Sending Strenght your way

Having a tough day with my abusive partner who gets nastier with alcohol. I can tell immediately when he has had a drink as there is a real shift and I know he actually wants to get in an argument to take his anger out on me. So far have managed to grey rock the day and have kept things fun and happy for our DD as much as possible. I sympathise though, it is really hard to keep the peace and not fight/argue back/stand up for yourself and what is right. Hope I get the courage and opportunity to make changes next year. And that you can move out of your toxic situation too.

Yep, know where you’re coming from. And I hated Christmas because of the alcoholic ex. In fact, I got my lightbulb moment on Xmas Eve last year: he disappeared off on another bender, I chucked him out that night (and has to get police out as he broke in). I remember apologising to my son for the crap that was happening. I will never forget his reply...”don’t worry mummy, I’m used to it”. I finished with ex (after 5/6yrs of trying everything to help him stop drinking) when I had that lightbulb moment, and realised that the only person who could change him/make him stop was himself, and that i never wanted my children’s lives to be blighted anymore by my ex’s antics... not did I want my children to be “used to it”.

This Christmas has been amazing: peaceful home, no worries about any crap kicking off, just...a normal, happy, fun time. I hope you (and any others who have to deal with an alcoholic or addicted partner/family member) get that same peace soon xx

My mum will end up being nasty, have a manipulative martyr cry, and be nastily passive aggressive all evening. She cannot ration out her alcohol- she will just drink and drink and drink until she ruins everything, but at least now we're all getting very skilled at ignoring her.

Reading this breaks my heart. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I caused so much untold misery during my drinking 'career'. How my DH and family stuck my me, I'll never know.

I'm so grateful to be sober. I hope you all get through Christmas as best you can, and if you have to leave, or end relationships, or go low/no contact with the alkies in your lives, then you're doing the right thing for YOU. Sadly not all alcoholics want to recover. Take care of yourselves x

But Dick you're the one that turned it around. You're the one that stopped. You're the one that tells the rest of us there's hope. You're brilliant.

@DickAmbush well done for being in recovery, that is amazing and I can only imagine the strength that would of taken for you to get to this point, a huge well done.

I can only hope one day, I can say the alcoholic in my life is in the same place, right now I keep finding hidden, empty bottles, in various places around the house and I no longer believe a word they tell me.

@pointythings and @Spartonian, thank you so much. Recovery is a tough road, you have to work at it 24/7, but my god it's worth it, if only because I'm not constantly breaking the hearts of the people I love anymore.

I honestly wish you all so much strength and happiness. Addiction steals from anyone in its path, not just the addict. Do whatever it takes to keep yourselves safe, emotionally or otherwise.

I am saddened to hear to so many people can relate and I don’t doubt that there are thousands more. Hopefully we can all find peace from it all one day. Sending my love to you all over this festive period. At least we go through yesterday!

@DickAmbush What you have done is incredible. My mum has too much of an attachment to alcohol and clearly doesn’t want to stop as much as you did. Unfortunately the heartbreak she causes isn’t enough for her to stop.

Yep - first Christmas not at my parents after last year's debacle led to me putting my foot down on boxing day and vowing never again, after being the only offspring with them for 5 years (am one of four). It's been the nicest Christmas I can remember. Genuinely bliss. for you OP

Hats off to all those who recognise they have a problem and do something about it
Unfortunately my DM won’t even admit she has issues to the point of bare face lies . She has sat with a glass of spirits in her hand in front of me and sworn blind she hasn’t touched drop all day. I find that the most insulting part about the whole thing .

I'm so sorry OP.

Like Dick I am in recovery. I read posts like yours and they give me the impetus, motivation and gratitude I need to continue staying sober. I never want to make anyone I love feel like you are feeling.

From the alcoholics point of view, the cycle is this. We drink too much because once we start we cannot control it. We behave abominably. We know this. We feel mortified and ashamed. We cannot cope with these feelings. We know the only relief from them is to be found in another drink. And so we drink too much because....

And on it goes. You don't have to forgive your mother. You don't have to support her. You don't have to have anything more to do with her once you're in a position to break free. If the damage done is too great then if she ever gets sober that is something she will have to accept as the consequences of her drinking.

Can I join in? In my case it's my "D"
H. He has ruined every Xmas bar one for the past 9 years or so. It doesn't matter if he's been sober for a full 12 months, Xmas just sets him off. Was on tenterhooks last week and suspicious at times but Saturday it was obvious he'd started after 6 months sober. He apologised on Sunday and I think was sober all day. Cut to Xmas Day - came down from shower to find him out cold and that was it for the day. Nice when you've got 3 DCs isn't it? Sadly like a PP's DC, they are completely used to it. Have had police at the door this morning - he's now in A&E with a head injury. Not sure what reaction they expected from me. Have been there SO many times.

@Anjelika I am so very sorry that you are in this situation. Although someone can be sober for months on end, I find myself thinking ‘she’s well over due a bender, she’s been sober too long’ and I am always right, it happens again. Christmas is a particular trigger as for many, it involves alcohol and they can’t stand to be left out. They probably see that it’s more accepted to be drunk at 12pm on Christmas day than it is to be paralytic and any other random Wednesday so they think they can get away with it. Well guess what, you’re still an alcoholic and you’re doing a pretty shit job at trying to hide it!

I hope you and your DC’s find peace from your situation. My only worry is that if everyone gave up on my mum, she’d very likely end up drinking herself to death with in 6 months.

Actually Just, it is when my family (my mother specifically) began to really put down boundaries and distance herself from me, that I found myself wanting to be sober more than I wanted to drink. It was loss - of friends and people that cared - that sent me to AA. Alcoholics have to get to the point where they can no longer live with the consequences of their drinking. Everyone giving up on your mum may be the best thing that ever happened to her. Or she may drink herself to death. But that would NOT be your responsibility and could happen whatever you do.

The thing is @Just, your mum probably is drinking herself to death anyway. That's the way I see it with my DH. He would have nothing if I left him and would undoubtedly drink himself to death - it would just be a quicker process than if I were to stay.