Cutting off my addict mum

[Namechangedforvanity]

Hi all,
I'm in need of a festive handhold, have great RL support but I'm conscious that most are having a normal Christmas and don't want to bring people down.
Long story short my mum was a heroin addict but had been clean for 15 yrs, we have spent the past decade rebuilding her life and our relationship and I had to swallow many bitter pills to maintain any relationship at all.
Mum had built a career in drug counselling and had a brand spanking new flat plus a whole new social circle and we were all incredibly proud, however, last year she met someone online and immediately became erratic.
I had concerns from the start but people kept telling me to let her be happy and that I was worrying too much...
This year has been hell, her bf became violent, she got issued with an asbo and is in danger of losing her ha flat.
Her behaviour has become increasingly distressing but she would excuse it saying it was due to trauma of the DV and/or prescription drugs for anxiety.
When I asked her outright if she had relapsed she made a huge deal of being offended and made me feel dreadful.
I have been as supportive as I can while keeping her at arms length for my own mental health and because I can't stand my children seeing their beloved granny behaving so strangely.
Cut to this weekend and she visited to drop presents off and I found a spoon in our downstairs loo, I confronted her and after trying to fob me off admitted that she was using cocaine, I told her to leave and she begged forgiveness saying she was booked in for rehab in January.
A few hours after she left she text my husband to ask him to look for a bag she'd left behind, not to let the kids near it and don't tell me. He of course told me and I found it tucked down the side of my eldest child's bed when I looked inside it contained empty bags of heroin, used needles and crack.
My son was thankfully visiting his father but I was overwhelmed with fury and messaged her immediately to say that I would never forgive her and not to speak to me again.
I have battled through years of anxiety and depression due to my unsavoury childhood and have a nice, normal life and beautiful children and it's hard fucking work to achieve that with my background, my children are innocent and clueless about such things not to mention safe and I cannot fathom that she would potentially expose them to this vile shit.
My extended family who have long since given up are supporting me in my decision as is my husband but she's my mum and I'm pretty sure she's going to end up dead this time.
I am sick with rage, disappointment and guilt all while trying to be bloody cheerful, DC keep asking why I'm not as christmassy as usual 😔
Has anyone else cut off a family member for similar reasons? How did you manage the guilt?
I keep picturing her dying in the street alone

Hello. Wow I'm sorry to read your op...but have heard similar as I've worked in this sector for years...

I cut off abusive family but felt no guilt, only relief and freedom.

I think the thing is, you cant help her. But lying down with her dogs is covering you with their hairs. Imagine, needles and class As!!! Down your child's bed!!!

How did you get rid may I ask?

I think that SHE poses risk to herself and you cannot help with that.

SHE poses that risk, chooses it. And she's an adult.

All you can do is practice acceptance I think.

How the hell did she end up leaving that stuff down the side of a child's bed?!

Painful as it is, you have to put yourself and your kids first. You have worked so hard to build life you have for your children and you. They can't be exposed to this.

I think all you can do is tell your mum that you love her, that she needs help and you want her to get it, but until she does she cannot have any contact with the children or you.

Thank you both for your replies. They echo the sentiments of everyone in real life.
I don't know how I will handle my kids, they adore her. What on earth do I tell them??
The bag is safely away and as soon as Christmas is over my husband has said he will take to the local police station, even that is a concern will he be questioned or can he just say he found them??? I hate that he has been put in this situation too, he's as normal as they come and from an ordinary family it's all so alien to him but he's been a rock

Alwaysmessingup, she had hidden the presents in his room when she first arrived and had kept disappearing in there I assumed she was faffing with wrapping etc all the while she was jacking up! I can't believe I've been so naive after all she put me through as a kid but that is the power of love I guess

Sending a big massive hand hold. Leaving drugs and needles at your house is unforgivable - the danger she put your children in - I just can't imagine the consequences.

To protect your family you have to step away. Maybe in the future when she is clean again or can appreciate what she has done maybe you can try again.

There are people who will give the addict isn't in control it's a disease etc. I have lived with an alcoholic and it's a most selfish disease.

Now it's time to put your family first. Hard as it must be maybe time to fake it? What is the most uplifting song you can turn on? Hit the chocy biscuits? What ever it takes and cherish your family.

Oh my god I could cry reading your post, you poor thing. Fuck. I'm so glad to hear that your DH and you are a brilliant team and you're keeping your little ones safe. I hope so much that you're ok

OMG her leaving that down the side of your childs bed made me feel a bit sick. You did the right thing. You can't expose your kids to this. None of it is your fault. She's doing it to herself. Stay strong, you did the right thing.

We have been dancing around to Christmas songs and watching cheesy films and I'm doing my best to fake it but I keep getting a rush of emotion and I have to take myself off somewhere, luckily they are mostly preoccupied with sweets and what they're likely to get tomorrow (as they should be)

Your mums traumatic experiences and odd behaviour are not separate from her addiction.

How devestating to loose a career, safe tenancy, relationship in such a short time. And these family issues and DV on top.

The leaving the bag is bizarre and have you thought perhaps she did it on purpose to put herself? So she could seek help?

I'm not saying she's behaved well. Not at all.

But beating addiction is a lifelong slog and you need support. It's so hard and unless she's a horrible person I'm sure she has intense guilt for how she's treated you.

Do she do a 12-step programme?

Do you think she will enter rehab?

But she lost all those things because of her abuse of drugs, I had warned her from the beginning of her new relationship that there were red flags everywhere and she said nothing can come between her and her sobriety.
I'm not new to drug abuse and my mum suffered a great deal of trauma as a child hence falling into addiction in the first place.
I have also suffered abuse and neglect as a result of her addiction something which I've had many, many hours of therapy for but carry the scars still and my one line in the sand was my kids, that the abuse ended with me. Sometimes the victim can become the perpetrator without even realising it

I hope with every fibre that she does enter rehab but I've never seen her this bad I don't have much hope left

Logging off now, I need to go and be with my family. many thanks for handholds and support ❤️

Good luck for the coming days and weeks op. Sending love.

You've been here before, so you know you can't save her or help her. You are 100% within your rights to set strong boundaries, and that probably should mean not seeing her until she has done rehab and got her life back on track. At that point you can offer support without enabling - you know the drill.

You are doing absolutely the right thing protecting your DCs. You will have to tell her that their granny is ill right now and can't see people until she is better.

@Namechangedforvanity

To balance one of the previous posts that implied that you should stick around and support your mum.

If you choose to do that, fair enough.

My point of view though is that your energy isnt infinite. You describe a generational trauma, your mum went through awful things and then put you through awful things.

You clearly want the chain to break with your children. You dont want to visit that trauma on them.

My advice is to focus on the kids and how they experience all this. Then on yourself, because the kids need you to be rested and sane (! If that makes sense - I know my own mum makes me feel I've lost my mind) - and that takes time and effort for you to care for yourself. And then, if there is anything left over, that energy can be spent on your mum.

You don't have to completely stop speaking to her, etc. But you can decide to radically change the way you triage her issues, and how much contact you allow, and what kind of contact.

My heart goes out to you. I can tell from how you write that you know the score. I wish you didnt - but you are a wise woman. You will navigate this. I am just desperately sorry for your pain.

and I'm pretty sure she's going to end up dead this time.

You are v lucky that none of your children are dead this time.

Slam that door shut. Feel no FOG (fear obligation guilt) as doing so puts your own DCs at risk.

If this is her destiny - so be it.

No real advice here. I have a close relative addicted to heroin, the heartbreak and feeling of powerlessness can be overwhelming. I send you a hug, you don't deserve this.

Thank you all for your messages.
Dh is settling the kids and my dog is on my lap while I brood.
Mum has messaged and told me she can't get clean without my support while simultaneously texting dh for her drug bag back.
I've told her we'll be waiting for her when she's clean and that I love her very much but can't bare to watch her kill herself.
Dh has been amazing, taken drugs to police tonight, had to give names and addresses and I am having a small panic that cps will be involved but surely all the messages between the family would prove I am not endangering my children?? My brain is mush.
Thanks again to all who have read through my rambles and taken time to reply, it's helped me feel sane.

Op I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I don't know if by CPS you mean crown prosecution or child protection, but if it's the latter, social services would want to be sure you were taking steps to protect the children - which you have done, by handing that bag to the police, and which you will be doing, by not letting her come to your home.

I'm the child of a late alcoholic parent which I appreciate isn't the same but there are similar themes. Just remember the sense of responsibility and guilt you feel for her is false. You feel that way because since your childhood you'll have had the need to be the adult and care for them ingrained into you. Because you needed to be the sensible one and be a support to your mum, and because addicts manage by pushing blame on those around them. Because we internalise their stress - if only we were better behaved, if only we didn't wind them up, are they mad because of us etc. That creates the over developed sense of responsibility which means as adults we still feel we have to be the bigger person and take all the crap without complaint - when other people around us feel they can walk away.

It's your decision whether you want any level of involvement. But you are not responsible for saving her. You are not the difference between her sobriety or her addiction. You are not the only one she can turn to. You may find it hard to put yourself first, given your experiences, so if you need to mentally deal with it by putting your children first, do that. Stay strong, and I do hope you can relax and have a break over Christmas.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is step aside and let a person feel the consequences of their actions.

Well Christmas was kind of a wash out but through illness and teen sulking rather than my mood. I think I'm getting there with the acceptance part.
Quite a bit of navel gazing going on but no tears.
I remembered my mum explaining how she had deliberately fallen pregnant aged 16 so that she would finally have someone to love her and an I had an epiphany that that has been my m/o my whole life without much regard for my own life.

I was born to be an emotional crutch and Ive been manipulated and coerced into staying in that role - these are things that I have worked on in therapy but it's so much clearer now.

I am working on reframing my feelings of guilt and responsibility.
As pp have said my only real responsibility is to my children and to myself, to keep them safe and me sane.
Genuine thanks, your kindness has made cry.

You sound a very good mother to firstly your own children, and secondly to yourself, than your own was to you.

Your instinct has been to extend that mothering to parent your own mum. You've always been doing that. But you can't, not now, not without damaging the priority of care you give to the first two: you, or your children.

@Namechangedforvanity have you ever been to counselling? In light of all that you’ve had to endure maybe it would be worth a go? Great that you’ve got such a supportive partner, I hope everything works out ok, sounds like you’re doing an amazing job 😊

The OP says she has been through many hours of therapy.

You did the right thing handing in the drugs and if you decide to go no contact no one will blame you. Your mum is ill and living her life on a knife edge. Anything could push her over but your priority concern is to take care of you and your family. If you have a teenager the last thing you want is for them to be exposed to drugs.

Is your mum already booked in for rehab in January or is she saying that to keep you onside. What was her reaction when you told her your DH has given her drug stash to the police?