Cutting off my addict mum

[Namechangedforvanity]

Hi all,
I'm in need of a festive handhold, have great RL support but I'm conscious that most are having a normal Christmas and don't want to bring people down.
Long story short my mum was a heroin addict but had been clean for 15 yrs, we have spent the past decade rebuilding her life and our relationship and I had to swallow many bitter pills to maintain any relationship at all.
Mum had built a career in drug counselling and had a brand spanking new flat plus a whole new social circle and we were all incredibly proud, however, last year she met someone online and immediately became erratic.
I had concerns from the start but people kept telling me to let her be happy and that I was worrying too much...
This year has been hell, her bf became violent, she got issued with an asbo and is in danger of losing her ha flat.
Her behaviour has become increasingly distressing but she would excuse it saying it was due to trauma of the DV and/or prescription drugs for anxiety.
When I asked her outright if she had relapsed she made a huge deal of being offended and made me feel dreadful.
I have been as supportive as I can while keeping her at arms length for my own mental health and because I can't stand my children seeing their beloved granny behaving so strangely.
Cut to this weekend and she visited to drop presents off and I found a spoon in our downstairs loo, I confronted her and after trying to fob me off admitted that she was using cocaine, I told her to leave and she begged forgiveness saying she was booked in for rehab in January.
A few hours after she left she text my husband to ask him to look for a bag she'd left behind, not to let the kids near it and don't tell me. He of course told me and I found it tucked down the side of my eldest child's bed when I looked inside it contained empty bags of heroin, used needles and crack.
My son was thankfully visiting his father but I was overwhelmed with fury and messaged her immediately to say that I would never forgive her and not to speak to me again.
I have battled through years of anxiety and depression due to my unsavoury childhood and have a nice, normal life and beautiful children and it's hard fucking work to achieve that with my background, my children are innocent and clueless about such things not to mention safe and I cannot fathom that she would potentially expose them to this vile shit.
My extended family who have long since given up are supporting me in my decision as is my husband but she's my mum and I'm pretty sure she's going to end up dead this time.
I am sick with rage, disappointment and guilt all while trying to be bloody cheerful, DC keep asking why I'm not as christmassy as usual 😔
Has anyone else cut off a family member for similar reasons? How did you manage the guilt?
I keep picturing her dying in the street alone

Yep, years of therapy the answer was always the same that I should cut her out of my life if I truly wanted to heal.... I guess that time has finally come.
She was in the best position to seek help, her colleagues specialise in women with complex needs it's not impossible that someone has pulled strings and got her a place in rehab quickly but she has also messaged to say that she can't do it without me because she's getting no help, so, who knows what the truth actually is.
She doesn't know about the police but when dh told her she couldn't come and collect the drugs she said ffs hundred quid down the drain, you could of given me a day to come and get it. He responded very simply that 4 children live in our house and she apologized and wished him a merry Christmas!

Sorry I meant to explain that merely told her he's got rid of them, he didn't tell her how.

Oh OP, you have achieved so much with your own wonderful family, I want to congratulate you on being so strong and purposeful with your life.

It is not easy coming from a fractured background and creating a normal one for your own children and you and your DH are to be commended for this. Now comes the hard part, you have spent your life looking after your mum - you have such deep insight from your years of therapy, and you know you were there as her emotional crutch. But the time has come to let go. You now have some small people in your life who need you to be there for them and to protect them.

Children are resilient and you can explain that Granny cannot visit for a while as she is dealing with addiction - I always find the truth is better in these situations with your DC - but only go as far as their questions, so each age child will ask a little bit more.

You may not get her back - but she severed that tie when she left that bag beside your DC's bed, so please, when you are upset, remember the old AA prayer - serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I hope all the best things happen for you in 2020.

I was overwhelmed with fury and messaged her immediately to say that I would never forgive her and not to speak to me again.

Please get this tattooed on your forehead!!

This is 100% the correct reaction. This is your gut, your head and your heart SCREAMING at you.

Do not let FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) confuse and derail you. Never live your life in FOG or take decisions in FOG. They are FALSE emotions.

Be v proactive asking for the support offered by your family and friends. Tell them that you need them right now to keep you on track and NC. Maybe approach Narc Anon for support.

You are 100% correct.

Ensure every ounce of your finite emotional capacity is directed to your DC. Do not let thoughts of your Mum drain your energy or preoccupy your head - bat them away and reserve that mental space and conserve that emotional energy just for your DCs. She has had more than enough of you and she doesn’t now get to wound your DCs.

Your own mother has robbed you of your childhood and blighted your adulthood with MH issues caused by her emotional neglect and abuse of you.

You have been an amazing woman to pull a life together from that base - so don’t let this impact your DCs - be emotionally, positively present for them 24/7 - not drained, distracted in a negative mood because of your DM antics. They don’t deserve this.

Maybe come to some level of acceptance that she might well overdose or end up dead in a ditch. That might be HER destiny, but it is your choice that your DCs do not accompany her on this long, painful, hideous journey - if that is the ultimate destination, you will all deal with it at that time.

I have lived a similar emotionally abusive childhood to you and I know that the pull to sort the parent out is v v strong and visceral. The only way I am able to hold myself back from another rescue mission is to stop and look behind me at the damage my efforts cause my children - that’s how inter-generational trauma plays out - even if you are not an addict, abuser, mentally unwell - you can end up abandoning your own children emotionally / mentally to deal with the unstable parent - and it’s your own DC who then suffer emotional neglect inadvertently at your own hands.

I know that you will understand this in the context of your DC because if you are anything like me your own needs are non-existent because you were never allowed to have any as a child.

I hope that you find the support, focus and strength to detach - it takes enormous effort to hold that distance over the years - birthdays, Christmas, health scares, crisis etc. All you can do here is prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

She is better placed than anyone to seek support - and she can access this and get better professional addiction support with much more impact than you could possibly give - and no one (you and your DCs) gets hurt if it goes wrong as the addiction professionals can weather it.

Your DP - also sounds amazing - don’t let your Mum pollute this.

Wishing you strength day by day. X

Cross posted - I see her manipulation of you is still firing on all cylinders.

Keep well out of her way.

Gutterton, sorry can't work out how to tag on mobile, but I wanted to thank you, I can tell you have walked a similar path, you have hit the nail on the head in terms of my own parenting, as painful as that is to admit.
I am a good mum ,but, I could do so much better if my mind were not constantly trying to fix an unsolvable problem.

Yes I know you are a brilliant Mum. But often we have been conditioned by emotional manipulation as a young child to react and prioritise mothering the unstable parent and this still in our emotional DNA even when we go on to have our own DCs. Taken years for that penny to drop - plenty of collateral damage in my life (I have 4 moody teens....) but I am now 100% focused on rebuilding that.

I have learnt that you can’t be in two emotional places at once. So even if you are NC - you need to erase her from your mind otherwise this will seep out in your mood and preoccupy your mind whilst you miss something going on with you own kids right under your nose.

You will be brilliant x