Is this normal for couples or am I slowly being driven mad?

[Binky55]

I really would like opinions on this. I feel like I’m going mad. Am I asking too much here?

Boyfriend and I have been going out for nearly 5 years now. We have a 2 year old ds together and I have a 7 & 9 year old sons from previous relationship.

We only moved in together when I had our baby, so for the last 2 years I’ve been learning to live with my partner, with a new baby and my 2 sons in a new flat.

My partner has a good heart, I fell madly in love with him after the rotten break up of my previous relationship. He was everything I wanted but something niggled at the back of my mind that I was compromising myself....he makes me laugh but hes never made me crack up laughing, his jokes are awful and sometimes just not funny. He doesn’t have that ‘banter’.

Anyway, living with him is becoming a great drudge. I’m going to list a few cases in point:

Never takes the bins out, when asked he always says ‘what? Now?’
Never takes the recycling out.
Never takes the dirty nappies out.
Constantly talks about what different job he’s going to do and I mean every day and night, truck driver, driving instructor, taxi driver, gas engineer, windscreen fitter - I even got a letter from google addressed to a psychic medium (him) the other day. No lie, it’s constant.
Never buys electricity or checks if it’s running out.
Never washes anyone’s clothes apart from his own.
Never cooks. Takes no part in meal planning.
When he comes in he never asks what’s for dinner.
Never is interested in feeding anyone, I swear not even breakfast or lunches for the kids. He doesn’t eat, food is nothing to him. Where as to me it’s everything! I love taking about food and he couldn’t care less if he eats.
I’ve been losing weight recently and every night he buys cake and cream and asks me 10 times if I want any.
I have almond milk in my coffee, he never uses it when he makes me a coffee, I get whole milk.

He drinks coffee to excess, I’ve never know anyone who has coffee after coffee all day.
He never puts our son to bed.
Has only ever bathed him a handful of times in his life and that’s after I’ve had to ask him to.
When we’re out supermarket shopping he stands around with the trolley, expecting me to do it all and drop it in the trolley rather than him walk around with me.
His driving is awful, whenever we go out he has numerous people bibbing him. Just recently he didn’t even know the right hand lane on a round about was to turn right 🙄

I could go on, there is so much more but I’m starting to feel upset re-reading this.

The biggest thing is he doesn’t listen. Now I know most men have their moments but my partner will not take in an arrangement, I have to tell him numerous times the hour, the date etc. right up until we’re practically leaving. He cuts in and talks over me, he does this with the kids as well. When I’m talking he is always looking at the tv, never takes in anything I say because I have to tell him the same thing again and again.

Really would like your opinion of him because I feel despair at living with this.

Your poor boys having to live with this dick.

For context, my son at 18 was not always helping out when I asked, but would put off doing whatever task till I gave up and did iit myself. After a couple of weeks of this nonsense we had a chat about emotional labour and how housework is often unevenly divided based on gender, and he admitted he’d been procrastinating as it wasn’t important to him. End result - he’s been way better and wants to “help lighten the load” (his words). This is my teenage son. Your adult partner should be doing better.

Imo he’s aware of many of these tasks, just doesn’t mind lumbering you with them.

This is weird behaviour isn't it? He seems to hate it when I ask him for help.

There's no great mystery to this. He's lazy. When you pull him up on being lazy he gets resentful because he doesn't like to admit his own faults. He doesn't like you or respect you enough to do his share. He shouldn't need asking for help. As a team, he should see what needs doing and just do it.

Christmas dinner I cooked the main course and the pudding. OH did the trimmings. Periodically he'd ask me if I would like him to do something whilst I was cooking and vice versa. We did the shopping for it between us and would ask each other if we had particular ingredients. The mental and physical load were shared. This could be your normal. Or, you could be without a partner and do it all yourself but without having to nag someone and get resentful, and look after them as well as your boys.

You do not have to put up with his shit.

Op, there are things that sound similar to my dp who we suspect has undiagnosed ADHD

Examples

• inability to take in instructions (I usually have to tell him things about 5 times)
• if he doesn’t like the way I’ve asked him to do something he will either not do it or be passive aggressive about it usually causing a minor tiff.
• the coffee addiction
• inability to retain info

BUT
The difference is he is self aware enough to realise that this can sometimes be a problem so we have talked about how the passive aggressive thing is not great and come to an agreement that I will try to ask him to do things in a way that doesn’t trigger him and if it does he will find a more acceptable response. He also is not lazy and is super supportive of me and my differences so I’m happy to support him in his eccentricities.

ADHD is an explanation of some unusual behaviour that you can adapt to it is not an excuse or catch all for all bad behaviour that you should just put up with

I thought my last husband was the one but he was just like this and it killed the relationship stone dead after a few years. It won't last until (unlikely) he starts listening and doing.

You haven’t answered why you are with him?

You will have less to do without him there.

There is nothing in your post that indicates you like him?

At this point I don't know why I'm with him. He seems to have got worse recently. I couldn't cause arguments in front of the kids at Christmas so I've sucked it up as best I could but there is an awful atmosphere between us. I thought living together would be better than this. He is a complete irritant and I don't know how I didn't see this before I got pregnant because there were signs but I stupidly brushed them aside. I know I've fucked up here but it's done, I can't turn back time.

Ok so where are you going to go from here on out?
Can you afford to live in your flat on your own?

He was everything I wanted but something niggled at the back of my mind that I was compromising myself....

What do you mean by everything you wanted? You liked him enough to chose him to be the father of your child. What were his good points?

For god's sake woman please end it for the sake of your children.

You are right. You can’t turn back time but you can move forward x

No it's not normal. He is making you desperately unhappy. Just tell him it's over and he needs to move out. You'll manage perfectly fine, if not better, without him.

How does he earn a living - I am not sure from your post if he has a job or not? If he does, is it a role where someone else is giving him things to do all day so he doesn't have to think?

I worry that he's totally checked out of having any responsibility. What would happen if you were really unwell? What would happen, would he suddenly spring to life and be able to feed and bathe the kids? Make sure there was food and toiletries available, so suddenly come to life in the supermarket and be able to take things off the shelves and put them in the trolley himself?
What about if one of your kids had a food intolerance? Would it be as irrevelant to him as your diet is, and your almond milk in your coffee?

How far is he allowed to go with not caring about anyone else but himself? Do you trust him to safely look after the kids if you are away overnight?

What were his good points?

Please answer this.

You cannot even give the standard mn answer which is '"he is a good father".

It is ok to f_ck up. The question now is - what are you going to do about it, for you and your dc? Sucking it up can only be temporary. Don't live in denial. The sooner you are out, the sooner you can move forward and make a better life for yourself before you have wasted more years with this deadweight.

Forget ADHD - that is an excuse at best. Just Get Rid Now.