Is this normal for couples or am I slowly being driven mad?

[Binky55]

I really would like opinions on this. I feel like I’m going mad. Am I asking too much here?

Boyfriend and I have been going out for nearly 5 years now. We have a 2 year old ds together and I have a 7 & 9 year old sons from previous relationship.

We only moved in together when I had our baby, so for the last 2 years I’ve been learning to live with my partner, with a new baby and my 2 sons in a new flat.

My partner has a good heart, I fell madly in love with him after the rotten break up of my previous relationship. He was everything I wanted but something niggled at the back of my mind that I was compromising myself....he makes me laugh but hes never made me crack up laughing, his jokes are awful and sometimes just not funny. He doesn’t have that ‘banter’.

Anyway, living with him is becoming a great drudge. I’m going to list a few cases in point:

Never takes the bins out, when asked he always says ‘what? Now?’
Never takes the recycling out.
Never takes the dirty nappies out.
Constantly talks about what different job he’s going to do and I mean every day and night, truck driver, driving instructor, taxi driver, gas engineer, windscreen fitter - I even got a letter from google addressed to a psychic medium (him) the other day. No lie, it’s constant.
Never buys electricity or checks if it’s running out.
Never washes anyone’s clothes apart from his own.
Never cooks. Takes no part in meal planning.
When he comes in he never asks what’s for dinner.
Never is interested in feeding anyone, I swear not even breakfast or lunches for the kids. He doesn’t eat, food is nothing to him. Where as to me it’s everything! I love taking about food and he couldn’t care less if he eats.
I’ve been losing weight recently and every night he buys cake and cream and asks me 10 times if I want any.
I have almond milk in my coffee, he never uses it when he makes me a coffee, I get whole milk.

He drinks coffee to excess, I’ve never know anyone who has coffee after coffee all day.
He never puts our son to bed.
Has only ever bathed him a handful of times in his life and that’s after I’ve had to ask him to.
When we’re out supermarket shopping he stands around with the trolley, expecting me to do it all and drop it in the trolley rather than him walk around with me.
His driving is awful, whenever we go out he has numerous people bibbing him. Just recently he didn’t even know the right hand lane on a round about was to turn right 🙄

I could go on, there is so much more but I’m starting to feel upset re-reading this.

The biggest thing is he doesn’t listen. Now I know most men have their moments but my partner will not take in an arrangement, I have to tell him numerous times the hour, the date etc. right up until we’re practically leaving. He cuts in and talks over me, he does this with the kids as well. When I’m talking he is always looking at the tv, never takes in anything I say because I have to tell him the same thing again and again.

Really would like your opinion of him because I feel despair at living with this.

I've got to agree with the people that have suggested a learning difficulty, my OH would do anything for anyone if asked to but when it comes to housework and other stuff he cant seem to figure out what needs done. He suspects he has something undiagnosed (it was suggested in childhood) I've just started working around it by asking him to do stuff or writing lists of things that need done etc..

Where was he living before you? If it was his mum then suspect he is just lazy and I also thought learning difficulty.

How old are you both? Do you work?

What attracted you to um in the first place?

He's got you wrapped round his finger, almost like he's still living with his parents. Stop doing anything for him and I mean everything. Can you and the kids get away from him for a few days so he has to fend for himself and give him.a wake up call? I'm no angel but I'd never behave like this.

You sound unhappy in your relationship. If he stays in the same house as you, he should be helping out with the chores and electricity! He sounds very selfish. He only washes his own clothes and thinks of himself. He also clearly doesn't listen or put your feelings into consideration. If he knows you take almond milk with coffee then why doesn't he just put almond milk in your coffee, only takes two seconds!

I personally wouldn't tolerate with him as he's everything I dislike in a guy. Doesn't matter if he's a nice guy.

Put your feelings first OP, if you're unhappy either talk it out with him and hope for the best he'll change and if not then leave cause there's no point in settling for someone who doesn't appreciate you or your kids.

Of course not normal but my question is, why does he think this behaviour is acceptable? Is there any consequence to his utter laziness or is it just tolerated and therefore enabled? Have you ever laid it out for him and said you’re unhappy with his behaviour and he needs to shape up or ship out?

He sounds about 15 - are you his first GF?

I'm not suggesting you should stay with him, as it sounds like you find him a bit crap generally.

'The biggest thing is he doesn’t listen. Now I know most men have their moments but my partner will not take in an arrangement, I have to tell him numerous times the hour, the date etc. right up until we’re practically leaving. He cuts in and talks over me, he does this with the kids as well. When I’m talking he is always looking at the tv, never takes in anything I say because I have to tell him the same thing again and again.'

I have ADHD and am probably a bit like this. As others have said, you could use written instructions/signs, depending on how much you want to put that extra effort in which you wouldn't have to with the average person. He could also put alarms on his phone that say 'bins' etc or other task reminders.

What does he say when you tell him he's fucked up/forgotten something?

But in general, sounds like you just aren't overly keen on him.

'I feel despair at living with this.'

That sounds intense. Have you told him how you feel?

I suppose the chores and not listening etc are one thing, the whether you actually consider him partner material- are attracted to him physically and/or his personality, are another. It sounds like even if he was a dervish at chores and sat at your feet listening to you, it still wouldn't sort it out because you just don't have those feelings for him (which isn't your fault.) xx

Yes I'm in a real pickle here. I've suspected a learning difficulty for a while. My middle son has a learning difficulty so I'm very familiar with this. Obviously because we didn't live together first it was well hidden. Although now I look back there are various things that point towards a learning difficulty. Yes I know I should've lived with him first now this is my reality but I didn't. He lived with his ex gf before me and had left home at 18 and he's definitely not been mothered.

When I say anything or have a dig at him I get told I criticise him, I'm a control freak and he gets really annoyed. All this stuff is of no interest to him. He's totally laid back to the point of being horizontal.

Yes I know he's not into food and yes he weighs less than me haha but it's strange that he can't comprehend that I'm watching what I eat.

Is the cake and cream buying a form of trying to get you to stop dieting?

Read about ADHD symptoms. This is setting off bells for me...

I think some of those are normal but added together he’s very selfish and it doesn’t sound like you’re in love with him any more. There’s no excuse for his lack of parenting

I couldn't put up with it.

Do you actually want to go to the effort or retraining him? It doesn't sounds as if he's willing to be retrained anyway.

I think it's run its course.

I would say learning difficulty too.

You said it yourself OP you are compromising. Big girl pants and get rid.

That would all drive me insane. Choices a) walk away, b) set up a routine / check list for him and get an appointment with a Gp to see if there is some kind of issue to be diagnosed.

It sounds like there is literally nothing good about him. I would 100% dump him.

I think some posters are being harsh. He doesn't sound like a cock lodger man child to me. He sounds like a sweet guy that just really isn't pulling his weight.
Obviously you've noted learning difficulty as a possible issue. I also wonder if because you were already a mother and moved in together for dc3, he's not wanted to inflict his rules and way of doing things into your already established household and he's just let you take the lead and after 2 years, now he doesn't need to think of anything because you think it for him. I suggest some gentle training, give him designated chores (bins for example) and slowly build up from there.

He seems to possibly have some sort of learning difficulty ,if he has only just worked out what the right hand lane on a roundabout is for! If he is applying for many jobs then it seems he is a bit of a dreamer TBH. Do you think you married him on the rebound ? He is not partaking in a normal family life .You need to have a serious chat I think .Maybe a bit on the spectrum or possibly just a spoilt Mummys boy?

I think the shine and novelty is wearing off. I've done this before, been head over heels in love with someone, and then about three years in, started to wonder what the hell I ever saw in them. I think your brain kind of screens out the worst for a while, especially if you've been lonely and unhappy for a long time and they seem like knights in shining armour to you.

He sounds like very hard work. You have some hard thinking to do. Can you manage alone? He may be a better friend than partner.

Ok two things jump out at me here.

1. He is lazy and doesnt contribute. No that's not normal and is a valid reason to leave him (not that you need one)

1. You dont actually like him to the point that his habits are starting to really irritate you. Some of the things like not thinking about food, jokes not being funny, wanting to change jobs etc are not that serious if you love someone but it's all clearly driving you up the wall. When this happens I think it's time to leave to be honest

Does he manage to hold down a job currently? I'm another one saying ADHD is a possibility. My DH has it. He's struggled all his life but it's got worse since we had kids. Before then he could just about sort himself out although it was tough. Juggling children, housework, job etc - he basically can't cope. He's a lovely, kind man but it's then a massive strain on me as I have to take on more of "his" stuff. Really hoping to get some medication for him soon. By the way, my DH also drinks shedloads of caffeine - it's a stimulant to help him function. He used to smoke and take drugs for the same reason. Very common in people with undiagnosed ADHD.

Jesus what?! I mean... just what!?
Freeloader manchild.
I am irritated just reading your list.

Has he always been like this, or has it been steadily getting worse? - was he always this self-focused or has he been narrowing in on himself?