Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This really really hurts

29 replies

ouch321 · 23/12/2019 16:02

My ex boyfriend broke up with me in spring.
I loved him as much as I have ever loved anyone.
Over the past few months, I have been trying my best to reconcile and contacted him a couple of times.

A few days ago, he told me that he met another girl on a dating site a month or 6 weeks before ending it with me, he fell in love with her and they married in October.

I am devastated. I cannot eat or sleep; I cannot concentrate on my work. I can't stop crying and if I do manage to drop off for a few minutes I have this sick feeling in my stomach when I wake up and realise what has happened.

I have no idea how to get past it. This time last year I thought we had a future together and now I have nothing.

I'm so so scared for the future. I'm 36.5 years old so pretty much at that point where everyone is already settled.

OP posts:
Hellohah · 23/12/2019 16:05

He cheated on you, so I would keep reminding myself that I had a lucky escape and that the man I fell in love with doesn't actually exist.

Beelzebubba · 23/12/2019 16:07

Hi, I can't offer much other than to say that I met my wife at the age of 40 when she was 36, and 16 years later we've got three kids and a good life together. I was feeling that I was going to end up alone and just like you thought everyone my age was already settled, but don't give up hope!

Interestedwoman · 23/12/2019 16:20

So sorry you had such an awful thing happen to you Flowers

Half of those who get married get divorced, so there'll be plenty of potential partners back on the market.

SinglePringle · 23/12/2019 17:03

It’s so hard.

You have to remind yourself that he’s not a prize - he met someone whilst still with you and has got married very quickly. Whilst they may of course be made for each other, statistically it’s not great.

When I last had my heart broken, I forced myself to only allow myself to think of him for 15 mins every day at a specified time. If he popped into my head (and he did. A lot), I would mentally say ‘nope, not now. Later.’ It worked; within a couple of weeks, I would get past the appointed time and realise I hadn’t thought of him.

It gets easier. And you are NOT too old.

TheFaerieQueene · 23/12/2019 17:04

Don’t waste your tears on a cheater. He isn’t worth it.

SinglePringle · 23/12/2019 17:04

Also, block him from ALL social media and delete his number from your phone.

Also, delete all texts and emails between you. You don’t want to torture yourself by pouring over them.

Original poster
ouch321 · 23/12/2019 21:21

Oh, he already blocked me... I was asking questions he didn't want to answer.
I am finding it v difficult and feel very bitter frankly about what could have been...

OP posts:
WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 23/12/2019 21:24

Do you know what could have been? You could have got married, had a baby and then found out he cheated on you. I know it's hard, but there are no answers that will make your pain feel easier. It will get easier, I promise. Be very kind to yourself.

BonfireStarter · 23/12/2019 21:36

Sorry to hear that, I know it's so painful. Try to remember that you've had a lucky escape, he cheated on you and most likely will cheat on her. Hes no prize. The man you thought you loved isnt him, he deceived you. There will be someone so much more deserving, I know it's a shock and really hurts though.

Bluebutterfly90 · 23/12/2019 21:38

He's a guy who goes on dating websites while in a relationship.
You dodged a bullet there, just keep reminding yourself of that. Flowers

intheheat · 23/12/2019 21:39

Oh you poor love, what a horrible thing to happen. Although much older l had a similar experience. I kept telling myself that if he had been such a great guy then he would have handled the situation better. It helped me stop putting him on a pedestal. I can relate to that sick feeling in your stomach. It's horrible but mine has got less over time. Unfortunately you just have to wait it out for time to do it's healing but in the meantime try not to idolise him or create fantasies about what a great life they are going to have. Good luck x

TheStuffedPenguin · 23/12/2019 21:40

He could just be telling you lies to get you to stop contacting him . Do you know if this is indeed true?

Original poster
ouch321 · 23/12/2019 21:48

Regrettably yes, he sent me a photo of them being married.

Was like a stab to the heart.

OP posts:
MitziK · 23/12/2019 21:51

Which was exactly why he did it - to cause you pain.

Thus proving that he wasn't ever worth your love.

He's a cunt, love - pick yourself up, dust yourself off and be happy you aren't the wife he is inevitably going to be cheating on within a year.

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 23/12/2019 21:55

Unfortunately for you, you will need to find a way to accept that you are not going to get answers or closure from him. He is married to someone else and so you must not contact him again.

If you can, view this as something positive - it has a very definite and unambiguous end. It is time to move forward into your future.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 23/12/2019 21:57

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

You are still young, I know it’s hard but you have your whole life in front of you! You can still meet a good man, a man who truly loves you and would never hurt or cheat on you!

Right now you are in shock and hurting but eventually you will look back and thank your lucky stars that you are not in a marriage with a known cheat, wondering constantly when he looks at his phone, if he is messaging another woman!

Be kind to yourself, just take each day step by step, keep moving forward and try not to look backwards!

sqirrelfriends · 23/12/2019 22:01

Fuck him, you're better than that.

You won't feel this now but I pity his wife, if he did it to you he is likely to do it to her too. You've had a lucky escape.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2019 22:05

wow he's a piece of work isn't he OP... quite frankly you have had the luckiest escape from this vile cretin.. you just don't know it yet my lovely.. Flowers

ConfCall · 23/12/2019 22:28

It’s possible that he was cheating on you for more than a month and that their relationship is actually not the whirlwind romance he’s presenting to you.

Whatever, it doesn’t really matter. He’s married and he doesn't want to communicate further. It’s important not to deify him - he’s admitted to cheating and he’s refused to answer your reasonable questions, so he’s not such a wonderful man.

At 36, you’ve time. You really do. I’m 47 and plenty of my same-age friends have married over the past decade, and there are a fair few children under 6 in my circle. If you want marriage and kids, you can’t cling to memories of this guy though - give new folk a fair chance.

ladyjane16 · 23/12/2019 23:49

Hi Op I really feel for you as I’m struggling to get over heartbreak too. I’m 37 and it’s so hard being single as all my friends are busy having babies and young families. It’s so lonely:-( I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I’m sorry. It’s so painful to lose the person you thought was your best friend xx

Sparkle567 · 23/12/2019 23:54

He cheated on you.
He was on dating websites while he was with you.
He’s not worth it.
Block all contact. Delete all photos. Delete all previous messages.

Deadsouls · 24/12/2019 00:10

It doesn't feel like it now but this is a blessing.
Firstly - in telling you (I question why he did tell you?), you now know the whole truth. There is no more hope for you and him. It's over. You've been trying to reconcile but he's been with someone else this whole time. The reality is there was never a chance you would get back together.
So now after the shock and hurt, you can start to move on and close this episode of your life. It's better always wondering and hoping. He wasn't the man for you, otherwise you'd be together.

Second- he is an emotional coward. He was dishonest with you and let you think he was single and didn't tell you the reason you split up. All that time you probably thought, 'was it something I did?', 'was it something I said', maybe if I try hard enough, he'll change his mind. He let you chase him all this time, all thr while knowing that he was with someone else. Because you weren't in full possession of the facts, he didn't give you the choice. Is this respectful and caring behaviour, NO!
Then he tells you months later, and then sends a photo! So cruel

Third- assume you were in a monogamous relationship. If so, why was he on a dating site?

You will get over this in time. Don't you want to be with someone who wants to be with you?
Cut him off and out of your life. You deserve more than this.

Deadsouls · 24/12/2019 00:12

*better than always wondering and hoping

Dizzygirl00 · 24/12/2019 00:12

How cruel to send you a picture of them 😔 yes you definitely dodged a bullet there, imagine being married and it happened. It will get easier Flowers

Inexperiencedchick · 24/12/2019 00:14

If you continue like this-your health will suffer. I was in your shoes at the age of 36. At 37 I found a lump in my breast. Please don’t do what I have done. It’s not worth it.
Took me 3 years to be able to date again. And by the way, they separated in 2 years time. When I found out I didn’t laugh, I actually burst in to tears because it caused more pain than I thought it would.
I remember walking on the streets for few months with no vision where I was going. Would cry out loud in the shower so no one would notice what I was going through.
Please OP it’s not worth it. Think about your health. You are young to be destroying yourself because of someone.
You can message me in private if needed.
Buy yourself flowers and make a new year to be your new start in to the bright future.
Yoga should really help. 🌸