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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has been filming me naked without my consent

58 replies

mrssmith01 · 23/12/2019 13:24

Hi,
I really have nowhere else or no one else to go to so I'm hoping I can get some advice from here.

I basically found out on the weekend my partner of 3 years has been secretly filming me naked for the past few months, maybe years, when we have parties at home (just the 2 of us.)

I was using my boyfriend’s phone to change the music, and I accidentally swiped onto the camera and noticed pictures of me in the camera roll. I looked through and there were about 5 naked videos of me, taken without me knowing. I deleted them and confronted him about it, and he said he was sorry. Apparently there more videos from other parties we’d had at home, and he went through his phone and deleted them. I asked for his phone the next day and found more naked pictures of me that I didn’t know he had taken – when I was just out of the shower, or lying down etc., which I deleted and deleted from the recently deleted folder.

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting but it feels like a massive betrayal of my trust and violation of my privacy. He’s taken some nude pics before, then sent them to me straight away, and that’s fine – I know he’s taken them and can make him delete them. But all these secret videos and pictures creeps me out. He keeps acting apologetic and like it’s not really a big deal. He even said it’s not like I’ve cheated on you or something.

I just need some outside input because he’s just acting like it’s not a big deal at all.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
puds11 · 23/12/2019 14:31

This is called voyeurism and is illegal. I know someone who was imprisoned for exactly this behaviour.

11hairylegs · 23/12/2019 14:33

As much as confused about the parties too, I’m assuming they’re some kind of sex session but consent is consent. If you haven’t consented to the photos or videos then that’s a huge violation of trust regardless of whether you’re playing chess or swinging from the chandeliers wearing diamanté nipple tassels.

11hairylegs · 23/12/2019 14:34

And yes it’s also illegal.

LonginesPrime · 23/12/2019 14:38

I would imagine that this will be the tip of the iceberg, OP - you only know about these photos on his phone because you found them.

Someone who doesn't care about consent and sees your body as his rightful property to use as he pleases isn't going to be a keeper.

He's showing you who he is, so pay attention.

IdblowJonSnow · 23/12/2019 14:45

That is so far out of line and I'm concerned about your boundaries that you need to ask. I'd honestly report him to the police and LTB. I'd also be concerned what hes done with this material. The police would be able to tell if hes forwarded them or posted them online. Not wishing to be alarmist but this is such an odd thing to do in the first place how can you know what else he is capable of?
What a fucking arsehole. Sorry OP.

EntirelyAnonymised · 23/12/2019 14:49

“Parties” for 2?

Whatever that means, he is out of line as you know. I’m not sure I could forgive it.

Original poster
mrssmith01 · 23/12/2019 14:58

Thank you all for your responses. Glad to see i’m not over reacting.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 23/12/2019 15:02

If there's only two people there, it's not a 'party', it's just sex, surely?

Straycatstrut · 23/12/2019 15:04

All sounds very a bit perverted and strange.

Useful22 · 23/12/2019 15:06

Before you dump him I'd go through internet history make sure he isn't uploading to some dodgy website. Check emails everything

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2019 15:07

This is illegal and disgusting behaviour
Please tell me he's your ex

Twoandtwodoesntmakefour · 23/12/2019 15:07

There are absolutely loads of these kinds of videos on pornhub. It’s a fucking disgrace they are allowed to be posted and aren’t taken down.

I’d be searching pornhub and it’s ilk to make sure he hasn’t posted them online. You can do a reverse image search on the photos.

Gingerninja01 · 23/12/2019 15:08

This is not normal behaviour. He is seriously creepy. Fuck knows what else he gets up to if that's how he treats his own girlfriend.
Can you clarify what you mean by parties? Naked parties?

AhhhHereItGoes · 23/12/2019 15:15

Big red flags here.

  1. He did this without telling you.
  2. He's downplaying you're feelings about it.
  3. Using the 'it's not like x' excuse to make you feel silly.

I hate to say this but I think he likely posted them online or showed them to his friends. I'm really, really sorry.

Tell him to fuck off and bolt the door--he's a lech.

imalmosthome · 23/12/2019 15:23

Contact the police for advice - they may wish to investigate further or remind him of the legalities of taking nude pix without consent.

Just knowing you have done this may frighten him so much that he immediately deletes them from any other sites he has posted them on.

Oh, and DUMP ASAP - he did not willingly tell you he had taken these pictures, so he has proved he cannot ever be trusted again.

Interestedwoman · 23/12/2019 15:30

You're not wrong- it is creepy, both because it was without you're knowledge and because of what he potentially would've done with the photos.

As others have agreed, t's illegal. I think contacting the police to get them to have a word with him might be a good idea.

Lampan · 23/12/2019 15:36

Don’t let him minimise this by acting as if it’s not a big deal. It is. It is a huge violation and I wouldn’t want to spend my life with someone who would do this. It’s creepy and gross. I think you should dump him.

Luckingfovely · 23/12/2019 15:45

Complete intrusion and betrayal of trust. Like others, this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me; immediate break up would follow.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2019 18:33

Can you tell us what the parties are op? You write it like it's normal, but most of us have no idea what you're referring to.

snoopy18 · 23/12/2019 18:42

Wow that’s messed up :-/ dating or not that’s illegal no?

Redyellowpink · 23/12/2019 18:55

This is voyerism and it's against the law. You could go to the police (although the evidence has been deleted)

Sorry OP but I would also say there's a high likelihood he's posted them online. There are websites set up exactly for this sort of crime. If you still have access to the pictures you should reverse image search them

yellowallpaper · 23/12/2019 19:02

You are not overreacting at all that's just horrendous. I'm sure there are other pics somewhere, like a flash drive. I would never trust him again.

LexMitior · 23/12/2019 19:39

Voyeurism. It’s a crime and speaks very ill of your boyfriend that he didn’t ask.

I would get rid of him and report it to the police. He’s not someone you want to keep.

AgentJohnson · 23/12/2019 20:31

So he said sorry and ‘forgot’ to delete all of the other pictures.

This should be a deal breaker because he’s been exposed as a compulsive liar and someone who disrespects your right to privacy. If you stay, be prepared for more of his creepiness to surface.

CaptSkippy · 23/12/2019 21:00

I'd say dump him and keep the phone. You need to go through it throughly and afterwards do a factory reset. There might me more folders that contain pictures, because some apps are weird where they store them.

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