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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone up for a handhold? He's a complete liar

28 replies

DoneAndDust · 23/12/2019 03:26

Been a pretty rough time since having my DD. I split up with her dad, then ended up with a very abusive man. We were together for 2 years and haven't been together for 3, but he still harasses me and I'm terrified. After that, I think I was assaulted on my first date out of that. It's something I'm only just piecing together as I don't remember. Took time out of dating, went back in and just got ghost ghost ghost

After all this, I finally met someone. It was actually AFTER deleting the apps because I knew him through mutual friends. 3 months down the line, we are together and really happy. He has asked about meeting DD (I said no) and me meeting his family (I also said no).

However, he has a bit of a reputation of being a party boy. I gave him a chance but sure enough plans started to get messed up because of it. We came to blows and he opened up to me that he hated himself and knew he needed to change so I offered support. Then it happened again and he barely seemed bothered. So I said listen I can handle that you make mistakes but I'm not prepared to accept you treating me like this and not even bothering to try and make it right and expecting me to take it, so I'm done now as I deserve better.

I was gutted enough about this, but to top it off, he had left his social media logged in at mine. I'd never looked and actually thought I'd logged off but when on today and sure enough it was still there and I thought well nothing to lose, it's already over.
Firstly, he goes out a LOT more than he made out to me.
Secondly, he is still on tinder and speaking to other girls.
The way he is speaking to his mates on his messages about these girls is utterly disgusting. He hasn't said a bad word about me in his defence, and said he 'might hang up his tinder boots' (which he said he had done a long time ago)...but I don't really care in the grand scheme of things. It's awful. He seems to be messaging these girls when he's out and drunk for a booty call. Then between nights out he will reply or send them the odd message but never hold a conversation, obviously to keep them on the back burner. There's even one girl that's messaged him while he was at my house, and he sent her a picture of my dog and told her a funny story that happened but said it was his mate.

I'm gobsmacked to be honest and have no idea how I could've been so utterly stupid. How can someone be that cruel? Not to mention, if any of his booty calls were successful, he has now put me at risk of STIs as I went on the pill about a month ago after I got tested.

Feeling like a fool and could really do with some kind words to help me pick myself up tomorrow and get on with Xmas for DD

OP posts:
CatShapedCushion · 23/12/2019 03:34

Kick the arsehole into touch and do what you shouldve done years ago-prioritise yourself&your daughters lives together,you just need to be alone&get strong.There are way to many men out there that can smell a vulnerable woman desparate for company.good luck

unmumsymumof2 · 23/12/2019 03:34

Leave him. What an absolute wanker. Presuming he knows about you previous relationships, he should never have got involved unless he knew he commit.

You need some time on your own, looks like you've been in quite a few bad relationships. You need to focus on being happy first and that starts with you.

Pinktornado · 23/12/2019 03:44

Urgh, what an arsehole. But well done you for protecting your kids and yourself, and for sussing him out.

shawly · 23/12/2019 03:49

You poor thing. This one isn't to be trusted. You set boundaries and he broke them, if you accept this behaviour by not finishing him, he will do it again. I've been there and learnt such people will not change. I used to accept bad behaviour because I wanted to be in a relationship, but now I'm stronger and my children and I are better for it. Try to invest in yourself and your DD, you are the ones that matter.

AgentJohnson · 23/12/2019 05:59

Can you not see the pattern OP? Bad luck is one thing but your poorly defined boundaries are definitely a factor.

Get rid and do the Freedom programme.

AgentJohnson · 23/12/2019 06:01

Stop waiting for him to be different!

KatherineJaneway · 23/12/2019 06:04

Handhold here.

What an arsehole Sad Get rid and look forward to a better future than if you stayed with him.

Helloitsmemargaret · 23/12/2019 06:09

CatShaped was really harsh, but there's some truth about priorities. Actually, you need to prioritise yourself. None of it is your fault, but as someone said there are wankers out there and they do target vulnerable women. Have you had any counselling for the abusive relationship or the (what sounds like) assault? Because that is your absolute first priority, this guy is just a distraction.

Feelinggoodashell · 23/12/2019 06:10

You’re not stupid, he is. And so are all the other idiots you’ve come across. It’s not you, it’s them. Please don’t be hard on yourself. I would recommend counselling to help you deal with what you experienced, not because it’s your fault.

I really think we need to stop blaming women for men’s shitty behaviour.

All the men you’ve been with should be signposted to courses of how to not abuse women. You shouldn’t have to do a course. Counselling will just help you to realise it’s not your fault.

Original poster
DoneAndDust · 29/12/2019 23:12

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the delay. I've been on autopilot to get through Christmas but am now crashing big time. I basically told him what I knew but didn't even explain how I knew it. Just used his own quotes. He's then kicked off asking whose been 'spreading lies' which I ignored. Then the day after Boxing Day he text me again asking if I could tell him where I'd heard it. I thought right well that clearly proves he doesn't actually give a stuff, he just wants to know whose been talking. So, ignored him and then at midnight got another desperate text saying 'come on doneanddust, you must know this is bullshit' which has really messed with my head as I had this idea in my head that he was just someone who didn't care what I thought.

I've ignored it and powered through and not heard since but now I'm crashing. I want to speak to him and have it out with him but I just don't even know what to say and I know I won't get the answers I want. I just can't stop crying tonight... so here I am again venting.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 29/12/2019 23:21

I want to speak to him and have it out with him

'having it out' with a pathological liar is absolutely pointless as all you will get it lies, lies and more lies.

This person is not a suitable father for your DD, not by a million miles.

You can't polish a turd op.

Original poster
DoneAndDust · 29/12/2019 23:38

@Closetbeanmuncher no you're right. I don't want to have it out with him so I can fix things or change it. I just feel like ignoring him doesn't give me any closure. But at the same time, I am well aware that seeing him won't give me closure either, as he is never going to openly say 'ok yes I was completely playing you, you were just another girl on the list and thats your lot' so it's never going to be the closure. I just don't know how to move on from this, I've had some horrible relationships but I've never had anyone pretend to care so much and act like this then fully go behind my back, I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Minionmomma · 29/12/2019 23:41

Wow. I’m so sorry. He’s a man child. You can do loads better. Xx

Feelinggoodashell · 30/12/2019 00:01

Block him then you won’t have to read his cries for attention. Block him and delete his number and then see the new year in with none of his bullshit.

Groovinpeanut · 30/12/2019 00:07

Hand hold from me Flowers
You've done the right thing in blanking him, you owe him nothing.
He's not worth asking for an explanation, he'll just lie.
He's treated you badly, and betrayed your trust. Take that as your closure.
You've done right in not letting him meet your children.
Scummy little man that he is.

Glamgran59 · 30/12/2019 00:09

You don't need this drama. He's hidden his true intentions from you, he never intended to commit. Be strong. Mark it up to experience and stay away. It will give you an amusing story and/or warning to tell someone else on a first date. xxxx

OrangeFluff · 30/12/2019 00:13

OP just remember you only met him three months ago, you barely know each other. He is not worth your time and thoughts. Definitely block and delete him.

Techway · 30/12/2019 00:18

He was lovebombing you and ignoring him is the best approach. It will drive him crazy and dent his ego to think you are not bothered. He is a player so give him a shock by ghosting him.

You might need to look back to check for red flags as often we keep meeting the wrong people until we learn the lessons.

Original poster
DoneAndDust · 30/12/2019 00:18

@Groovinpeanut I guess it's just hard because I don't know what to feel. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter his intentions because the outcome is still the same. But part of me thinks was he serious about me? He'd said to his mates he'd settle things down in January and just 'make the most of this month'. Or was it that I was never anything. Like I say, the answer to that makes no odds as I'd still feel the same. I just don't understand whether I should expect more, or whether I should consider myself dumped because he clearly would've done so anyway. My head is destroyed and I wish I knew everything.

@Glamgran59 the thought of being on a date makes me sick right now. I actually don't think I can ever ever trust a man again. I've now had the narcissists AND the players.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoneAndDust · 30/12/2019 00:25

@Techway think I have away enough in my final message telling him what I know to make sure he knew how bothered I was so not sure how that would work.

It might make me sound as bad as him and manipulative, but I quite enjoy that he has no idea I have seen the messages. He signed onto it just after we'd first met and he had been drinking. He genuinely seems to think someone has dobbed him in and I'm not going to correct him on that!!

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 30/12/2019 00:37

This loser is massively toxic. Don’t give him any more of your time and energy. ‘Having it out with him’ would just give him a huge ego boost.

You got closure when you took control and ended things. Keep your dignity, move on, and have a wonderful life with your daughter.

Original poster
DoneAndDust · 30/12/2019 22:43

I hate him. I actually hate him. I made the mistake of looking on his Instagram again. I've signed out of it now and removed all cookies because I know it will happen again and I can't take anymore. He's taking another girl out for nye tomorrow instead, he only started following her about a week ago. I'm actually fucking furious. What an utterly horrible man.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 22:50

Well there's your closure OP. Now you can start 2020 knowing you won't still be with a lying twat.

Glamgran59 · 31/12/2019 14:53

Here's to a loser-free 2020. Have a virtual high. xxx

Glamgran59 · 31/12/2019 14:53

*hug

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