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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love my boyfriend but we rarely have sex anymore

29 replies

sciencegirl91 · 23/12/2019 01:00

I’m 28 and we’ve been together a year, I just feel too young for this to be happening. When we got together obviously the sex was very frequent, then settled into 1-2 times a week but in the last couple of months it’s been more like once every 3 weeks.

My boyfriend never seems interested and is always making excuses, saying he’s tired all the time or that he doesn’t like morning sex (even though we used to really enjoy it!). When I’ve tried to have more serious discussion he’s said he’s depressed again (he has been before and still takes antidepressants), but hasn’t gone to the gp (despite me asking him to). I try to listen and empathise (I’ve suffered too and recently had a bout) but he isn’t very forthcoming. I find it really tough because not wanting sex seems to be the only way his depression manifests, he still enjoys going out and getting drunk with his friends (and isn’t too tired to do that!), is productive at work etc.

Over the last few days I’ve been imagining ending the relationship over this and it’s breaking my heart. He’s a lovely, thoughtful, amazing man but I just can’t stand the feeling of frustration and not being desired, and I can’t imagine a future with him because of that. Is there another way to get through to him? Anything I can say or do to help him?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 23/12/2019 01:07

This doesn't get better. He's not into sex, he faked it to get you. This is who he is. Also, to be clear, he's not a nice guy - nice people don't trick heterosexual women into asexual, celibate life partnerships.

You could have another 60 years of this, a half, shadow life.

End it and have a proper life.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2019 01:08

Run for your life. That's the only thing you need to do because this situation will NOT get better. Stop wasting your time.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 23/12/2019 01:11

As above, unless you think you could happily live a sexless life, leave, you deserve to feel desired.

ScoobyCan · 23/12/2019 01:11

This doesn't get better. He's not into sex, he faked it to get you. This is who he is. Also, to be clear, he's not a nice guy - nice people don't trick heterosexual women into asexual, celibate life partnerships.

^^ this in spades

Original poster
sciencegirl91 · 23/12/2019 01:12

@PicsInRed I keep telling myself it’s not possible he faked interest because he definitely used to initiate, seemed really excited by sex etc. And kept that up for nine months. But do you think that is possible? Am I kidding myself?

OP posts:
PARunnerGirl · 23/12/2019 01:13

Yes unfortunately I have to agree with previous posters. I was 27 when I got into a relationship like this. By the time we married 2.5 years later, the sex was already dwindling. It became a major compatibility issue and we divorced after ten years, the majority of which were quite unhappy and sad for me.

If you feel like you have made your feelings very clear and have tried different things to get to a more compatible state or a position of compromise, and it still isn’t working... I’d cut your losses Sad You deserve the kind of sex life you want.

Original poster
sciencegirl91 · 23/12/2019 01:14

Thanks everyone for the validation btw, I was prepared to be told that this is how long term relationships are and I should be less demanding

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 23/12/2019 01:39

I have to say I agree, this isn't going to get any better.

whonoes · 23/12/2019 05:06

Leave now before you waste your life

Chancey1982 · 23/12/2019 05:23

Are you with my ex?!
Is so frustrating and sad and you end up questioning yourself instead of him.

rededucator · 23/12/2019 05:40

If it's only be a few months I'd give him time. It could be anything; stress at work, a dip in confidence, a worry about something he's not worried you with.

LellyMcKelly · 23/12/2019 05:53

Where you are now is the best it’s going to be from now on. Take it from someone who ended up in a marriage with no sex for the last 6 years. In your shoes I would beak it off. He will beg and promise more sex, but it will be short term. Now that the first flush has worn off this is what he is like.

overnightangel · 23/12/2019 05:56

If he was lovely thoughtful and amazing he’d be making you happy instead of getting drunk with his mates

Zoflorabauble · 23/12/2019 05:58

Hi op I have recently ended a 12yr relationship because of the same issue. It is soul destroying and eventually will affect you in more ways than you can imagine.

I’m 41 and although I never had a huge sex drive I wasn’t prepared for what I ended up with, after having dd almost 9 it started to dwindle to the point I felt like a sex pest for wanting it.

I truly believe my ex is asexual. I had met someone else and that gave me the push to end the relationship but I said from the start that even if things didn’t work out with new man that I had no regrets and just wish I had done it sooner.

Ex and new man are both 43 but couldn’t be more different. He has a huge sex drive, makes me feel sexy, desired and all those things I’ve been missing. I was also emotionally starved by ex and although we are effectively co-parenting and still get on well, I can’t believe i put up with a sub standard existence for so long.

I deserved better. You deserve better. Don’t waste any more time with this man. What we had became my new “normal” but it was far from normal. My year has ended completely different to how it began and I’m a much happier and confident person. In the end I felt like he had zapped every bit of my self esteem away and now I can truly see how wrong the relationship really was.

I wish you lots of luck Flowers

PicsInRed · 23/12/2019 06:04

He initiated at the beginning because he saw that as "normal man" behaviour - what he needed to do to obtain a "normal" woman for himself. Once he figured he had "secured" you, he reverted to how he really is - celibate and probably emotionally shut off.

If you stay, you will feel more and more physically unattractive until your self esteem is in the toilet and you no longer recognise yourself as a person. The lack of normal intimacy and emotional connection will seriously damage your mental health.

Save yourself.

Original poster
sciencegirl91 · 23/12/2019 07:32

Thanks for all the supportive messages, I would normally talk to friends about relationship issues but I just feel so ashamed about this and like it isn’t a good enough reason to leave him. But now I know it is. This is the longest relationship I’ve had as an adult and until recently I really thought it was going somewhere, so it’s hard to come to terms with the idea of it ending.

I’m going to have once last serious conversation with him after Christmas (more so I can tell myself I tried and that I gave him a fair chance than because I really expect him to suddenly improve) and then I know I need to think about breaking up. Still makes me so sad. And I don’t know what I’d say to my family etc who love him and think he’s the best thing since sliced bread.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 23/12/2019 08:29

It’s your decision to give him one last chance to do something. However you are making a major mistake. This isn’t about him needing to find the strength to deal with a problem in his life. It’s about you needing to find the strength to deal with a problem in your life by ending a bad relationship.

Like many you are ignoring who he is and how he behaves because you think love is the sole basis for a relationship. It isn’t. A lot more factors need to be in place for a relationship and a future to work.

Loving someone or falling in love with someone is the reason to explore or consider a future with them. That’s why we date and get to know them. After 12 months you have found out that he won’t deal with his sexual and mental health problems, doesn’t see your needs as important and won’t work on your relationship. He’s probably deceitful and he is selfish to see you in pain and do nothing about it. There is enough for you to realise that a future with him will be an unmitigated mess.

You are both young and free of most responsibilities and things aren’t working out. Well life get tougher from here on in. Home ownership, parenthood, redundancy, bereavement and illness are all things you can’t avoid even with the most charmed of lives. This man has shown that he will make all of these things far more difficult for you.

Stay in the relationship because you accept this not because you expect him to change. As an adult that is the decision you are making for yourself. Don’t hide behind last chances, feelings of love or what your parents think. This is your decision. Make it with your eyes wide open.

Michaelbaubles · 23/12/2019 08:33

rededucator it may only have been a few months but they’ve only been together a year so it’s actually the norm for their relationship now not to have sex. A year is too early to have settled into that dull pattern. So he’s a nice guy - he could be a nice friend then.

Justaordinarybloke · 23/12/2019 08:40

He could actually be gay? Yes you had regular sex but I know ppl who married, had kids then found living a lie to hard to deal with and came out.

GlenPonder · 23/12/2019 09:16

He's probably a porn fan. You were new and shiny for a while but he'll be getting something fresh elsewhere now. Have the sit down and good luck!

wherearemymarbles · 23/12/2019 09:40

Anti depressants are a known libido killer.

He should see the gp but either way maybe the relationship has run its course.

sar302 · 23/12/2019 09:47

Some of the responses above seem quite extreme.

He's apparently a lovely guy who you've had an otherwise normal sex life with, up until the last couple of months. He admits he's depressed and therefore currently not really up for sex.

He's not seeking help as quickly as you'd like - not uncommon.

He's still going out with his mates and coping at work, ie. seemingly holding it together to the outside world, but showing you how he really feels at home - not uncommon.

Now of course, you're entitled to break up with him for any reason, and it's not your job to fix his mental health. But I'm not sure anything you've said points to him being a manipulative sex-witholder / secret asexual / gay / porn addict - unless you've missed a few major details out of your original post!

If you really like him and he is a genuinely lovely bloke, and you see a future with him, then show a bit of support - It's been a couple of months, not a couple of years! If you're not that interested, then just break up with him. Depression doesn't go away overnight, and will likely recur, and if you don't want to deal with it now (which is your right), you're not going to want to deal with it in the future.

sunnydays78 · 23/12/2019 10:18

Is he affectionate towards you? Is it purely just sex ?

BlueCornsihPixie · 23/12/2019 10:33

I don't think he was necessarily faking being into sex.

A bit personal but recently I have gone off sex, I'm definitely not asexual. I am just struggling with depression, stress at work and I just can't get into it. Sex is one of those things that I really can't force myself to do, so it's one of the first things to go. Like if I really can't face showering I can force myself to shower, but I don't want to do that with sex.

I'm not necessarily saying this is the case for him, but I think some of the responses are really harsh. I didn't trick my DP into a relationship.

It's your life and it's your choice if you want to stay with him, and you have every right to leave if this isn't what you want. But if this is the only issue, and if it wasnt for this you are seeing a long future together, it might be worth giving it a few more months.

Original poster
sciencegirl91 · 23/12/2019 10:40

@wherearemymarbles He’s been taking antidepressants since before the start of our relationship so it’s not as if that can be the only cause... I guess that fun new part of the relationship could have cancelled the effect out at the beginning? He had previously been keen to come off them but I don’t think he wants to now because of feeling worse again.

@GlenPonder Re porn I’ve asked about it (ages ago, not in this context) and I don’t get the impression he uses it much at all. But I didn’t interrogate and obviously he could be lying.

@Justaordinarybloke I do wonder about that, no real evidence to suggest he’s gay but strangely that’s how his parents’ marriage ended

@sunnydays78 yes we are very physically affectionate with each other, we kiss and cuddle but... he’s just never interested in taking it any further

And everyone else thank you for understanding. I’m going to spend the Christmas holidays gathering my strength, I know I can’t live like this.

OP posts:
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