Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

MIL wants to be at the birth

56 replies

Rosebel · 22/12/2019 23:48

I'm 12 weeks pregnant so have made no real plan for giving birth although midwife has suggested a csection which I'm fine with.
Today MIL asked if she could be at the birth and I said I was having a c section so only husband would be with me. So she then asked if she could wait outside.
It's beyond weird. She wasn't at my other children's birth but she was at my SILs but I want it to be just me and my husband and then my children. I don't even want my own mum there and I'm very close to her. I'd rather have people visit when we're back home. My husband sees no reason why she can't be there and says the children won't care about not seeing the baby first but I disagree.
I'm not sure where to go from here as now I feel like I'm being unfair and should just give in but then surely my feelings should matter?! Advice please on if I'm being unfair and if I'm not what to say to !my husband?

OP posts:

TillyTheTiger · 22/12/2019 23:52

Posts like this really wind me up because it shouldn't even be a question - of COURSE you should only have people there that you feel 100% comfortable with! Birth isn't a spectator sport, it's something very personal and intimate that is happening to YOUR body and therefore your feelings are the absolute priority. Stick to your guns OP.

FeigningHorror · 22/12/2019 23:53

Just say no. Laugh at any repeat persistence as if they must be joking. It’s not a bloody spectator sport, whatever your method of delivery is.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 22/12/2019 23:53

Your feelings matter more than anyone else’s on this. Stick to your guns! RE your husband - the reason MIL can’t be there is that it’s not what you want. No further explanation needed. And he MUST back you up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2019 23:54

I want it to be just me and my husband and then my children

You tell her that.

what to say to my husband?

You tell him when he’s having major surgery he gets to decide who’s there.

You’re giving birth. It’s only your decision. He respects that or he waits outside too.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/12/2019 23:55

Who is looking after your other children?

Of course she shouldn’t be there if you don’t want her. I couldn’t think of anything worse and I wouldn’t want my DM there either, just DH.

steppemum · 22/12/2019 23:55

I think the phrase - its not a spectator sport is actually quite accurate!

Spudina · 22/12/2019 23:57

You are not being unreasonable OP. Who do these MILs who keep inviting themselves to their DILs births think they are. It’s beyond weird. It’s a medical procedure (and a very personal one at that) not a show. And of course it’s a moment for you and your DH. It’s your body, your birth and your decision. It’s important that your DH backs you. Ask him how he would feel having your Mum in the room whilst he had a vasectomy and see what his answer is!!

NoFun21 · 22/12/2019 23:57

No! Don’t be pressured. Just No.

MMmomDD · 22/12/2019 23:59

I agree that the children won’t care who sees the baby first. And - having had a c-section myself - I am not sure kids should be at the hospital for that.

However - YOU get to say who you want there. And also don’t have to decide just yet.

Sagradafamiliar · 23/12/2019 00:05

An amused chuckle would be all I could muster at that request.

Rottnest · 23/12/2019 00:28

You are not being unreasonable OP.

Your delivery, your choice who is there. Your husbands choice does not trump your wishes.
You need quietness and privacy to recover from major surgery, and an intrusive MIL will add nothing to your experience.
For heavens sake, stand up for your rights and just say NO, to your MIL and to your husband, who frankly will never understand the added burden of stress he is agreeing to,
Just keep saying NO and mean it. Childbirth is not for interested spectators IMO.
Good luck

Rottnest · 23/12/2019 00:29

What Spudina said in spades!

artio0 · 23/12/2019 00:34

Your MIL visits once you're back home and comfortable with visitors. End of.

IncrediblySadToo · 23/12/2019 00:39

My husband sees no reason why she can't be there

That’s great! When HE gives birth he can call the shots. The birth is happening to YOUR body, YOU get to decide whose there, not him! Twat

PicsInRed · 23/12/2019 00:41

Frankly, your husband doesn't even need to be there. He should smarten up his attitude and become a supportive birthing partner and recognise that he is not the patient ... or he needn't be there either.

Helpful people - who will reduce stress - should attend births, no one else.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 23/12/2019 00:43

Ask your husband if he could have a vasectomy and if your mum could come along and watch. He’s a plonker.

Willow2017 · 23/12/2019 00:44

When he gives birth he gets to chose his audience, simple as that.
Your choice, you have only who you want near you and immediately after the birth too.
If you want your kids to meet thier new sibling first that's reasonable they are closest.

Stand firm in this or she will take the p with other things forever.

OydNeverDeclinesGin · 23/12/2019 00:45

What is the question here?
It's your body, your baby, you decide.
It's outrageous she's even asked. This is definitely, absolutely, without question, a wait until you are invited situation.

It's completely ok to have boundaries.

eaglejulesk · 23/12/2019 00:54

YANBU - completely your decision, and she has to respect that.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 23/12/2019 00:55

Your husband is being an absolute dick.

Fair does not mean equal.

Equal means inviting everyone including the sodding postman to have a front row seat at the birth. Fuck that.

Equal means your husband has a scalpel taken to his reproductive organs, a catheter shoved in his urinary tract and his nipples immediately put to work as the sole source of nutrition for a tiny baby.

Fair means the woman undergoing the birth and recovery is in control and surrounded exclusively by people who she will find comforting and helpful.

Tell you MIL she will be invited when you are rested and ready to see visitors. Tell your DH to look at his priorities and support you more.

I can't believe how often this question comes up. Who are these selfish insensitive MILs?!? How can so many women who are mothers themselves be so entitled and daft.

LightDrizzle · 23/12/2019 00:55

I had vaginal deliveries but some friends who had CS had quite bad (but short lived) after effects from the spinal block anaesthesia thingy, like going into shock, lots of shivering etc. It’s major surgery with a newborn and dramatic hormone switches thrown in. Your DH has let himself down rather by saying he doesn’t see why she can’t be there.
It is odd she wasn’t bothered before. I do think social media, OBEM and the Emma Willis series have all contributed to some people wanting in on the birth.
If the pregnant woman wants her grandma/MIL/ vicar/ mum as a birth partner then fine and dandy, but nobody but the father should he assuming they will be present and anyone else should wait to be asked. Some women don’t want the father there either, and that is their call.
Tell DH you expect him to handle it and to back you up. She needs to wind her neck in.

onemoresipofthehenny · 23/12/2019 00:58

No stick to your decision, don't be pressured into having her there. I wouldn't want my MIL there either

Soon2BeMumof3 · 23/12/2019 01:06

Perhaps MIL would like to attend the testicular retrieval operation DH will need after we all show up at the hospital and kick him in the balls for you?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/12/2019 01:09

My husband sees no reason why she can't be there

Jesus Christ, how the fuck dare he. You are not his uterus on legs.

Amongst other reasons, this is why I could never be a midwife, I would never be able to restrain myself if I heard the partner of my patient coming out with shit like that.

Equally his baby (genetically) does not mean equally his birth.

BackforGood · 23/12/2019 01:10

Just say no. Laugh at any repeat persistence as if they must be joking. It’s not a bloody spectator sport, whatever your method of delivery is.

This ^
It is just so ridiculous, it wouldn't have got to even being considered for discussion with me.
Just not an option.
Change subject.

Flip

1 2 3