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Original poster

MIL wants to be at the birth

56 replies

Rosebel · 22/12/2019 23:48

I'm 12 weeks pregnant so have made no real plan for giving birth although midwife has suggested a csection which I'm fine with.
Today MIL asked if she could be at the birth and I said I was having a c section so only husband would be with me. So she then asked if she could wait outside.
It's beyond weird. She wasn't at my other children's birth but she was at my SILs but I want it to be just me and my husband and then my children. I don't even want my own mum there and I'm very close to her. I'd rather have people visit when we're back home. My husband sees no reason why she can't be there and says the children won't care about not seeing the baby first but I disagree.
I'm not sure where to go from here as now I feel like I'm being unfair and should just give in but then surely my feelings should matter?! Advice please on if I'm being unfair and if I'm not what to say to !my husband?

OP posts:

Ihavehadenoughalready · 23/12/2019 01:10

You're not being unfair and don't let your husband and your MIL be bullies to you.

Were your other births c-sections?

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2019 01:13

Remind him that you are not a Regency Queen and therefore dont need to give birth with a fucking audience just to prove that you have!

The day he gives birth is the day he gets to dictate.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/12/2019 01:16

Your DH doesn't think he's royal does he? I mean they used to have to have a proper official not mil witness at royal births.

VenusTiger · 23/12/2019 01:41

@Rosebel tell either MIL or DH “she wasn’t there when we made our baby, for obvious bloody reasons, so she will not be present when our baby is being born - it’s private, it’s personal and it’s between us (me and DH) and that’s the END of the discussion”

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/12/2019 03:52

Your MIL's request is outrageous and bizarre. I wouldn't be able to take it seriously. Childbirth isn't a performance for an audience.

It's a joke, but one with a serious side. Your MIL isn't thinking of you in this at all, is she? It's all about her - and your DH is enabling this. Tell him in no uncertain terms that she's unwelcome and he needs to stick up to her.

elmosducks · 23/12/2019 04:02

My MIL tried this with my ds1's birth.
Thankfully the hospital staff put her in her place as I wasn't sure how to handle it. They must see it all the time.

FoxFriend · 23/12/2019 04:32

I don’t say this to put you off a c-section, and it’s my understanding that a planned section has a more straightforward recovery, but as someone who recently had an EMCS the recovery is no joke. There is no way I would have wanted my MIL there, lovely as she is, when I was unable to move, numbness had spread up my arms, I had a catheter in, trying to establish breastfeeding etc.

Would your husband want your parents seeing him in that position? Vulnerable, uncomfortable, perhaps partially naked, following major abdominal surgery?

CloudyVanilla · 23/12/2019 04:41

I just don't even understand the desire!

My poor mum had to come with me when giving birth to my first, as well as my partner, because I was anxious and wanted a woman who had gone through childbirth herself there too.

It was totally stressful for her I'm sure but she was great and then totally respected that just post birth was time for me, DD and DP.

I just can't get my head around this weird entitlement some people have where they feel the need to be vicariously involved in your experience for their own gain.

And there is NOTHING that I infuriates me more than grown as fucking adults who feel like they have the right to insist they be "first to see baby" or anything like that, as if it fucking matters at all. Absolutely ridiculous, petulant behaviour.

custardbear · 23/12/2019 04:53

Goodness I couldn't think of anything g I'd rather do less! Really stressful! I remember coming out of my two sections, as PP has said it can have an affect on your sympathetic nervous system, with me I had massive shakes that I couldn't control, my poor SH thought I was having g a fit! With baby 2 I came out in a really strange rash, it was short lived but looked like I had measles!
Anyone else would have panicked I'm sure but I recall just feeling bliss waiting outside theatre with DH before being wheeled back to the ward, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else there then - it's not the time or place for a visitor
Also it's unfair on your own mum too ... well I'd go wth that one lol as it's an easy excuse

Countryescape · 23/12/2019 05:08

Just laugh and say hell no!! My MIL wanted to be there and I was having none of it. She’ll be a bit wounded but she’ll get over it. Who on their right mind would want their MIL there??!!

Niki93 · 23/12/2019 05:36

Your womb. Your choice.

Ive had the same issue. Told my partner to politely ask his parents not to come to the hospital, as i dont want visitors as a vulnerable time, and that we’ll contact them when we’re ready to see them when we’re settled at home. They cant be entitled in this decision, because quite frankly they’re not the once going through it are they. Sod them, its your time, do it how you want it x

CandyFlossSkies · 23/12/2019 12:35

If you don't even want your mum there then his mum is definitely not going to be there! It's not her baby. I can't believe you asked 'surely my feelings should matter?'.....er...yes! You're the one giving birth. You're the one who taking a physical risk to have the baby. You're the one who's having major surgery. Stress on the mum during birth time is not good. Don'g have anyone there you don't feel comfortable with.

Wishforsnow · 23/12/2019 12:43

Ask your Dh if he is willing to have your mum watch his prostate exam or vasectomy and these are minor procedures in comparison.

Original poster

Rosebel · 23/12/2019 13:58

I have no idea why she suddenly wants to come. She had no interest the last few times. I had a c section last time and although I was okay I know I felt sore.
I don't want my children at the hospital. My mum or sister will have the children and after I have the baby my husband will bring them in (well thats sort of my thinking),
My husband is due home from work soon so I'll have a talk with him and use some of the ideas you've given me. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2019 14:03

Do not JADE with his mother i.e. justify, argue, defend or explain. Just say no and also tackle your wet lettuce of a husband at the same time.

What was he thinking here re his mother; is he really that afraid of her or is he wanting her approval?. His primary loyalty here should be to you, not his overbearing mother.

BiddyPop · 23/12/2019 14:09

Giving birth is a medical procedure and not a spectator sport.

chocolate26 · 23/12/2019 14:09

Stick to your guns OP! Only have who you truly want there with you I'm having my DH and mum as my birthing partners, my dad and sister will be coming to the hospital once I'm ready for visitors, however my in laws (3 of them) are telling me they are going to be waiting outside the room the whole time in labour which I find incredibly uncomfortable and am trying to explain to DH that I'd prefer them to wait at home until we are ready for visitors.

CodenameVillanelle · 23/12/2019 14:13

Your MIL sounds bonkers but what is your DH thinking? It's 100% not up to him and he should completely support your wishes with no questions asked.

Lozzerbmc · 23/12/2019 14:14

Giving birth is a private matter so please do as you want. Dont be bullied into it.

What a cheek of your Mil - ask her if she would have had her mil there when she gave birth .....

C8H10N4O2 · 23/12/2019 14:15

If there is one time in a woman's life where she should be able to decide for herself based on her own needs, without prioritising the wants of everyone else, then it should be during and after childbirth.

The race to be first to see the baby is equally unedifying or "its not fair" is more reminiscent of squabbling 8 yr olds than adult family who might reasonably be expected to behave like adults.

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 23/12/2019 14:38

Put it to your husband as simple as possible.
"Mil wants to be at the birth.
I don't want her to be.
Who's needs are more important. "

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/12/2019 14:40

My husband sees no reason why she can't be there and says the children won't care about not seeing the baby first but I disagree
This is the biggest problem here.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 23/12/2019 14:44

Perhaps MIL would like to attend the testicular retrieval operation DH will need after we all show up at the hospital and kick him in the balls for you?

Indeed!

diddl · 23/12/2019 14:45

Your husband sees no reason why she shouldn't be there?

Fine-tell him when he gives birth he can decide who he wants there.

What a twat.

theoriginalmadambee · 23/12/2019 14:46

No, this is private between you and your dh.

On a more cheery note, if your dh can't see the problem tell him to take his dm to his prostate exam .

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