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Original poster

Is it cheating?

26 replies

Advice2020 · 22/12/2019 21:30

So I just discovered that DH of 8 years has been using chatrooms to "get off". He claims that everything that is discussed is a fantasy and that no real pictures/names/videos are ever used. What's more, he was using this before we met, stopped soon afterwards but then over time has gone back to it frequently, he is unsure of times/dates as to specifically when he has used it, but has admitted it has been for long periods while we have been together. I found the messages by accident on his phone, there were several different chats with several different people.

Would this be considered an emotional affair? Obviously the trust that I thought we had has been broken and I have made it clear to him that if he doesn't stop now it's over. We also have a young daughter. I am a product of divorce so I know first hand how painful it is. Just looking for some perspective on this, thanks.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2019 21:37

That would be a deal breaker for me.

Sharkyfan · 22/12/2019 21:42

Not sure if I’d see it as an emotional affair as such if it’s all anonymous and they don’t discuss real lives. More interactive porn maybe? Not sure if that makes it any better...

Original poster
Advice2020 · 22/12/2019 21:58

Yes Sharkyfan, that's exactly how he is describing it. At the moment I am not sure about how much difference it makes because, fundamentally the trust has been broken.

OP posts:
NicholJO · 22/12/2019 22:12

It's definitely an emotional affair I had it with my partner for 7 years on and off until I told him it's them sluts or me and he relished I ment it men don't understand how much it hurts there partner I know I felt umiliated and worthless I hope you can sort It out i know how you feel 🌹

AllThatPalaver · 22/12/2019 22:12

I personally wouldn't consider it cheating or an affair, but I wouldn't tolerate it. We ukd be a deal breaker for me though as I said I wouldn't class it as an affair emotional or physical.

AllThatPalaver · 22/12/2019 22:13

*Would be a deal breaker
That should have said.

travellover · 22/12/2019 22:24

It's a tricky one. It's obviously not acceptable in any form. But I wouldn't really see it as emotional affair unless it was with the same person continuously, if he's literally just going on it to find a random person to 'get off' with then like someone said above, I'd see it as just interactive porn. It'd still be a deal breaker for me tho Smile

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 22/12/2019 22:26

Ditto to @AllThatPalaver its not cheating as such but it is extra marital activity.

Josuk · 22/12/2019 22:32

Sounds like porn to me more than ‘affair’ of any sort. More interactive than regular videos, but not personal.
Have you seen the actual chats?
For me - I’d be ok with that sort of stuff if it was done in the open, as in - not hidden.
It all depends on your position on porn, I guess

Original poster
Advice2020 · 22/12/2019 22:37

@Josuk I don't have any problems with porn at all, I'm not naïve and perfectly aware that it is pretty normal for guys to use it occasionally. My issue is that this is something he has been doing for a long time in secret and it somehow feels a lot more "personal" than porn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice2020 · 22/12/2019 22:41

@Josuk yes I saw the chats by accident, I didn't read them in detail though, just saw enough to raise the red flag.

OP posts:
snowstorm2012 · 22/12/2019 22:46

Would he be okay with you doing the same?

snoopy18 · 22/12/2019 22:48

Imo emotional affair for sure. He’s actively doing this & choosing it over you. It will effect you even if you choose to give him a chance to get rid of his bad habits.

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/12/2019 22:54

Deal breaker for me....

Porn: fine as long as it's not interfering with sex life
This: no fucking way.

It's the next step towards actual physical cheating, the gap is being bridged if that makes sense?

Savingforarainyday · 22/12/2019 23:00

So instead of investing his energy into your intimate life, he's using strangers as an outlet for his sexual energy?

And he kept it hidden?

Perfectly ok if this crosses your boundaries.

I'm sure some cool people will be along shortly to say it's all fine, he's allowed privacy etc, but I wouldn't be ok with it.

He may not have inserted anything into anyone else, but its....icky.

Bluebutterfly90 · 22/12/2019 23:05

If I'm understanding you right and he's been using chatrooms to have cyber roleplay sex with strangers, yeah, that's cheating.

Sorry OP, would be a complete dealbreaker for me. Flowers

Josuk · 22/12/2019 23:20

I agree it’s more personal. Anonymous, but a bit more personal, and possibly a little more thrilling than regular porn.
Still purely physical with no emotional component - so not at all in the same dimension as what people here call emotional affairs.
For what it’s worth - I think he was hiding it because he’s been at it fo a very long time and he didn’t think you would be ok with it.

Josuk · 22/12/2019 23:25

As I said - for me it’d be important to establish boundaries. And mine is openness.
I actually do not want to control 100% of my partner’s sexuality - so these sort of chat rooms won’t bother me if he was open about using them.
And of course this has to ally both ways.

Josuk · 22/12/2019 23:26

Has to ‘go’ both ways

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 22/12/2019 23:55

That would be a deal breaker for me.

Porn is watching something you're not a part of. Completely different to interacting sexually with another person.
In my mind your sex life is the most personal thing and if you're married, you only share it with your spouse.
Your H is using the sites to bring those strangers into his fantasy and his sexual acts and by doing so, he is seeking a connection with someone who isn't you.

Most importantly though, how you label it doesn't matter, how it's made you feel matters. There is no rule to say what behaviour you must accept. Draw your own line and if this crosses it, react accordingly.

AnyFucker · 22/12/2019 23:58

I could not live with a sleazy fucker like that. Bottom line.

MissPepper8 · 23/12/2019 00:07

Are you sure there was no skyping/cams?

I find this a bit strange.. So it's just talking in a chat to people? So It's sexting essentially and he's not formed relationships? You know this could be with men pretending to be women too!

Do you know what it was about? I think that's your first step to see the conversations and confirm no pictures or camming was involved.

I'll say if there were no pictures, cams and videos ect then I would be angry (as hell) but I wouldnt leave my partner over it. This is quite amusing in a way, if true he has no guarantee who he is talking to! It could be 70 year old men!

mamato3lads · 23/12/2019 00:27

I'd be devastated by this. I was hurt enough when I discovered my DH of 17 yrs had a regular porn habit. Loved wanking over porn videos or pictures of his fave celebrities....I discovered it in March and despite endless talks I still feel the hurt and the shock and I will never look at him or feel the same way about him again.

This however is another whole step. Talking to people ..... that's not just a quick wank that's proper interaction and I dont know how i would be able to come back from that type of behaviour. .too close to an affair for my liking

BeenThereDone · 23/12/2019 00:58

Until chat rooms don't 'do' it for him anymore and he starts meeting up to play out these fantasies....
Would he like you to do it too?
I wouldn't think so

WWlOOlWW · 23/12/2019 01:44

He is a slime ball.

It's not technically cheating but that doesn't matter.. it's about trust and boundaries.

No thanks. Disgusting.

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