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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really need advice.

47 replies

Rebecca3127 · 22/12/2019 19:57

This could be really long and may not make much sense but I need other peoples perspectives on this.
Me and my partner have been together 3 years and I love him to bits. His parents ( mum especially) really dosent like me.
When we met we lived 80 miles apart but I moved just down the road from him a year later into a shared house, the idea was while he was still at home we could save for a house. His parents 6 months ago gave him some money to put a deposit down for a new house, hopefully we will be moving in January, the house is lovely and we have loads of stuff for it and tons of exciting ideas. Because the money is coming from his parents they dont want my name on the mortgage , which is fine , they want me to sign a contract stating how much I will pay every month and that if we ever split up I will get nothing. I have said a few times recently about looking forward to "our house " and she went mad at me on Friday night saying it will never be my house, it is only ever his house and I am paying rent, as a lodger only 😔 I cant even say how crap that made me feel.
I also had a misscariage 2 weeks ago, wasnt planned, they tried pushing me into an abortion that I am totally against and told my partner that they hoped I had a misscariage. They have then said over the weekend that they dont know why I'm sad, I should be relieved.
I dont even know what to do any more, his mum has also told people about the misscarriage when she knew I didnt want that.
I'm very quiet and can be shy, his family are the opposite really, they think I'm trying to take him away from his family and that's the last thing I want to do.
I'm lost and I dont know what to do 😖 please someone give me some advice.
Thanks xx

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 22/12/2019 20:00

Making yourself a lodger seems somewhat insecure. Where do you live now?

JorisBonson · 22/12/2019 20:00

They sounds absolutely horrific.

If you're paying towards a mortgage, you should have a share of the house. DP put the deposit down on our place but we own it 50/50.

What's he doing in all of this? Is he sticking up for you and telling them to fuck right off, as he should?

Bananalanacake · 22/12/2019 20:01

it sounds better if you don't move in with him as you won't have any claim on the house. you can keep seeing him. I don't know much about the awful parents situation. usually the advice is your dp should be standing up to them.

B0bbin · 22/12/2019 20:03

They are awful! Sorry OP. Flowers

Original poster
Rebecca3127 · 22/12/2019 20:03

He says it will be our house to me but in front of them he wont say it. I want this more than anything and after 3 years we need it but I also dont want to be a complete idiot

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 22/12/2019 20:05

He needs to grow a pair and tell them to stop being so bloody dreadful to you.

B0bbin · 22/12/2019 20:06

He should be standing up for you. He needs to have serious words with them. Otherwise he is enabling their horrible treatment of you. You might need to explain this quite clearly and perhaps firmly to him. So sorry this is happening to you Cake

StoorieHoose · 22/12/2019 20:07

Could he afford the mortgage if you didn't pay towards it? I would not be moving in with someone who doesn't stick up.for you when confronted with his mum

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/12/2019 20:08

You tell us what his parents have said and done but very little about your partner - his opinions and reactions. What does he say about all of this?

It might help me understand the situation and how his parents feel if I knew how old you both are.

Original poster
Rebecca3127 · 22/12/2019 20:09

They way they are putting it makes it sound like its completely normal but I know it's not and its breaking my heart right now.
His last partner stole alot of money from him so I know they are more protective of him but he is in his 30s, not a child anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebecca3127 · 22/12/2019 20:12

No he couldn't afford it on his own , we are both 32. He says it will be our house and I know he is really excited for us to get a house together but he wont really correct his parents either. He trys to keep everyone happy

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 22/12/2019 20:13

This will never get better. You have to decide if this is something you can put up with for as long as his parents are around.

I'd be running for the hills.

PepePig · 22/12/2019 20:13

He sounds shite tbh. As bad as his parents.

I wouldn't bother. No one needs a little mummy's boy.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/12/2019 20:15

He says it will be our house to me but in front of them he wont say it

You won't want to hear this, but you'd be very ill advised to move in with someone who hasn't got your back after the time you've been together

I spent over 30 years with a man like this, and believe me they don't change; the subject they'll throw you under the bus over might alter, but the basic lack of respect remains the same

SpringFan · 22/12/2019 20:17

In the imortal mumsnet phrase, you don't have a PIL problem you have a partner problem.
Despite his parents giving him some money towards the deposit, they should have no say on either the mortgage or who owns the property. His words about it being your joint home mean nothing if you split. Don't sign the agreement they want you to sign. TBH don't move in with him. You could end up funding his mortgage, when you could be saving towards a place of your own.

StoorieHoose · 22/12/2019 20:18

Tell them that your name goes on the mortgage or you won't be moving in. They will never change unless you stand up to them now

Ihavehadenoughalready · 22/12/2019 20:20

It doesn't sound right that his parents would dictate to you how your partner should handle having you live in the house. Even though they are putting money towards the house, it will only be his name on the house? Or are they planning on putting their own names on? If it's a gift, he should be allowed to do what he wants mortgage and deed-wise, otherwise he should refuse the money.

He's allowing them to act unreasonably, IMO.

I would not agree to pay rent under these circumstances--dictated by his parents. It's very unfair.

As to their attitude about the pregnancy, how dare they!

Normal people don't act like that. Normal people aren't happy that someone miscarried; they feel sympathy.

If he cannot separate himself from his parents and put his foot down, you are in for a lifetime of hurt from them and from him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/12/2019 20:22

His last partner stole a lot of money from him

Not that it should make any difference - at 32 he'd old enough to look after himself - but do you know this for a fact, or is it some story they've all cooked up to keep you on the back foot?

Rockinmomma · 22/12/2019 20:23

So has your bf applied for the mortgage and been approved?
If it were me I’d apply for a joint mortgage without their knowledge, they have nothing to do with the process even if they do pay the deposit. That money is a ‘gift’ paid to bf then to lender.
A bit of relationship advice though, if this man is who you want to spend your life with, he needs to get on your side and stand up to his parents!

Thetellyisjelly · 22/12/2019 20:23

Tell them all to stick the house up their arse.
Have some self respect op.

Original poster
Rebecca3127 · 22/12/2019 20:23

They are usually quiet for a month or 2 then something kicks off and ends in a massive row with his mum, I know what my heads telling me to do and your all right but my heart , hes absolutely everything to me and I cant lose him 😭

OP posts:
PaddingtonBrown · 22/12/2019 20:25

So how are you not on the mortgage if he couldn't afford it alone?

There is such a thing as a deed of trust where you specify who will get what % of the property. So before we got married DH and I bought a house but I was putting in the £20k deposit so we got a deed of trust that stated that if we split and sell the house, I would get the £20k back first out of the profit, then we would split the rest 50/50. We were both on the mortgage (as tenants in common I think) and both pay 50/50 of the monthly payments.

What does your DP say about all of this, OP?

Original poster
Rebecca3127 · 22/12/2019 20:25

No I know for a fact she stole alot of money

OP posts:
StoorieHoose · 22/12/2019 20:25

You don't mean everything to him though. His parents wouldn't be able to dictate to him if you did

JorisBonson · 22/12/2019 20:26

He may be everything to you OP, but you are not everything to him. If you were he wouldn't let his family treat you like this

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