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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really need advice.

47 replies

Rebecca3127 · 22/12/2019 19:57

This could be really long and may not make much sense but I need other peoples perspectives on this.
Me and my partner have been together 3 years and I love him to bits. His parents ( mum especially) really dosent like me.
When we met we lived 80 miles apart but I moved just down the road from him a year later into a shared house, the idea was while he was still at home we could save for a house. His parents 6 months ago gave him some money to put a deposit down for a new house, hopefully we will be moving in January, the house is lovely and we have loads of stuff for it and tons of exciting ideas. Because the money is coming from his parents they dont want my name on the mortgage , which is fine , they want me to sign a contract stating how much I will pay every month and that if we ever split up I will get nothing. I have said a few times recently about looking forward to "our house " and she went mad at me on Friday night saying it will never be my house, it is only ever his house and I am paying rent, as a lodger only 😔 I cant even say how crap that made me feel.
I also had a misscariage 2 weeks ago, wasnt planned, they tried pushing me into an abortion that I am totally against and told my partner that they hoped I had a misscariage. They have then said over the weekend that they dont know why I'm sad, I should be relieved.
I dont even know what to do any more, his mum has also told people about the misscarriage when she knew I didnt want that.
I'm very quiet and can be shy, his family are the opposite really, they think I'm trying to take him away from his family and that's the last thing I want to do.
I'm lost and I dont know what to do 😖 please someone give me some advice.
Thanks xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Rebecca3127 · 22/12/2019 20:27

It's a shared ownership house so part mortgage part rent making it more affordable, his wage would cover it but with other Bill's and payments he wouldn't be left with enough

OP posts:

PepePig · 22/12/2019 20:28

Maybe you leaving will give him the kick up the arse he needs to stand up for you. Or, you'll see him as the weak little boy he is right now.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 22/12/2019 20:30

but I also dont want to be a complete idiot

Move in with this man and that is exactly what you are.

NotStayingIn · 22/12/2019 20:31

If you go ahead with this you are screwed. You will have given your partner the go ahead to not stick up for you, you will financially fuck yourself over, and you will have given his parents the go ahead to dictate your life.

You need to tell your partner that you’re going to a solicitor together in the new year to draw up a proper contract for the house.

If he refuses: walk. Because if he refuses he really doesn’t care as much about you as you might think.

Ingridla · 22/12/2019 20:35

Why isn't he standing up to this monster of a woman for fucks sake and sticking up for you. I really really really think you should cut loose now and spare yourself from a life of misery at the hands of these godawful people.

RandomMess · 22/12/2019 20:36

You can share the house in unequal parts or have his deposit ring fenced then shared 50:50.

If he won't sort it legally then it's a no go. His family is always going to be an issue he really needs to decide who is more important to him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/12/2019 20:39

hes absolutely everything to me and I cant lose him

You don't have him, though; his first loyalty is to his parents, which he's making very clear

I can just about see the previous losses making them cautious, but that can be overcome in other ways PPs have already described, rather than downright using you to prop up his mortgage

What's the rationale for why they're not supposed to like you?

ChristmasSweet · 22/12/2019 20:41

Him and his parents are a problem. Either you go on the mortgage or you don't pay rent and don't move in. I'd be saying that to them.

And I'd be saying to him that his parents are glad that his child is dead. Is that a nice thing for him to hear and is he happy his parents think that? If he is, then you know what kind of person he is. I couldn't be with someone like that. If he isn't happy then he should tell his parents to shut up.

My in laws gave us a deposit for our house very kindly. Their only expectation was that we pay it back which we are every month. That's how parents should be, not the evil things they are.

Ispy123 · 22/12/2019 20:43

Wow hes being a twat allowing his family to talk to you like that!! Dont be a mug for gods sake,theres not a single thing in this for you so why do it? He cant afford to do it alone so the place should be in joint names!!! Wake up!!!!!

Ispy123 · 22/12/2019 20:45

As for the miscarriage and the reaction from his parents???? I have no words other than RUN RUN RUN.

elmosducks · 22/12/2019 20:47

Goodness NO. You are worth more than that.

I am so sorry about your miscarriage

Theroigne · 22/12/2019 20:52

Do his parents know that you are basically enabling him to take on this house, and if you walked away he’d have to downsize to something smaller? They are all happy to have you support him but not the other way around?

I get his parents’ reservations after what happened before but there are legal ways around it and they sound utterly vile.

Original poster

Rebecca3127 · 22/12/2019 21:02

I need to talk to him about at least having my name on something. They want it so that if we split then I get nothing, we will be paying equal amounts each month but unfortunately i cant afford to currently put money toward the initial deposit as the first plan was to save up for a few years together first.
The misscariage thing I dont know what to thing, on 1 hand maybe they are right, what right do I have to be sad when it wasnt planned and on the other hand I feel like shit 😩

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 22/12/2019 21:04

OP are you actually reading what other posters are saying you you? Can't you see what a fucked up situation you're in?

He is never going to take your side. Ever.

JorisBonson · 22/12/2019 21:06

on 1 hand maybe they are right, what right do I have to be sad when it wasnt planned and on the other hand I feel like shit

Read that back to yourself. This ain't right.

beautifulstranger101 · 22/12/2019 21:06

OP- this is all wrong. If you are contributing to the mortgage payments then any decent solicitor would advise you get papers drawn up that state you should get back what you put into the mortgage should you split. That is common practice and advised by law.

Secondly, where is your partner in all of this? he is just allowing his parents to gossip abut you and be disrespectful about you and what? he says nothing? This is disgusting, he should be standing up for you. Its HIS responsibility not yours to keep his mother in line. You need to have a very strong word with him about this. Otherwise, I would seriously consider a future with a man who allows his awful mother to denigrate his future wife.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/12/2019 21:17

You mentioned that you've been together 3 years and "the idea was while he was still at home we could save for a house", so how come you're not able to put anything towards the deposit and his parents are paying instead?

Irrespective of the answer, though, there's nothing to stop you ringfencing the money he/his parents have put in, so in the event of a split they get that back and the two of you just split any equity that's built up

And anyway none of that addresses their attitude to you, why they feel that way and why he's so flaccid over it all

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/12/2019 21:18

I agree with PP you need to get a contract. Ask him to go and see a solicitor with you and make an appointment and sign before you move in. Imagine in 25 years the house is paid off, you never got round to getting married, you paid half the mortgage, but get nothing because his mum said you couldn't, because she helped with the initial deposit. He should be happy to have your name on the house if you're paying half the mortgage. If you're just a lodger you may as well stim lodge where you are as a shared house is likely to be cheaper and you can save for your own investments.

But...I would consider your relationship because of his lack of standing up to you. Yes people can have differences of opinion and dont have to agree, but it sounds like he just sits back and watches while his mum is actively horrible to you. He should be sticking up for you, or at the very least, making sure you never have to see her again

Techway · 22/12/2019 21:19

OP, do you know what you are getting yourself into? A family that doesn't support you or even like you. Can you imagine how tough your life will be, imagine having children you will always be fighting with them.

I understand the need to protect the deposit and that is fair and can be done via a deed. Going forwards however of you are paying equal amounts each month then you should have some return on your investment

You do know that if you had a child you could be homeless with only CMS payments, which are 10% of his income, so very little.

With parents like his it is unlikely he has escaped some "damage". Usially with a domineering mum or dad the child will be passive aggressive rather than directly aggressive. He will have learned how to manipulate rather than confront.

Does he display any red flags?

YoungHun · 22/12/2019 21:46

Oh darling. Please listen to all the posters.

He's your life but you're not his.

What happens six months down the line, if you're pregnant, and he just kicks you out?

Please please listen to what we're telling you.

Run!!!!

ISmellBabies · 22/12/2019 22:07

Words are very cheap, he can call it your house, but it will not be your house, it's his house. You'll be paying in and get nothing out. Do Not get pregnant before getting married, otherwise you will get nothing at all if you split, even though your career and your finances will suffer as a result of having his children. If you get married, everything will have to be divided between you as part of a divorce settlement, so you will be financially protected for any impact of having children on your finances. There's no financial or legal protection for co-habiting couples, you'll get nothing. Get on contraception asap and marry asap. If he won't get married or put you on the mortgage, don't move in with him and reassess how much he actually values you when it comes down to it.

Elieza · 22/12/2019 22:19

You must get legal advice to protect yourself. Otherwise you could be out on your ear with an hours notice if he bins you and nowhere to go. Especially if you are not on the council tax or electoral roll as you will not qualify for social housing in the area without proof you lived there presumably and you won’t be able to get loans or credit.

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