Unhappy in marriage

[NorthStar72]

Hi,
I have been feeling very unhappy in my marriage for at least two years now and the feeling isn't going away. We have almost been married 22 years and have two children, 16 and 12.

The main problem is the age gap. I'm a young 47, he is an old 58. I have had no sexual feelings towards him for a long time and I stopped the sex not long after our youngest was born. Tbh, he was poor at it! Never had passion etc. We haven't had sex in over ten years! I am very good looking for my age too but cannot go near him! I have a decent sex drive but still cringe at the thought. But, I want that in my life plus the connection with someone.

I feel like I have done something stupid by marrying him (I was warned by relatives) as we have very little in common, he was never an affectionate person and, tbh, I really do not want to be with him. Not now.

I was very shy when younger and didn't go out with many guys. I'd only been with one other before hubby. I don't want to sound crazy but I feel I didn't play the field enough to find someone compatible. If that makes sense!! I honestly thought I'd be left on the shelf.

I have become very distant at home. I sleep in another room and feel like I'm living in a bedsit (it's the box room) even though it is a big 4 bed house. I feel like I am grieving sometimes.

I have told him a number of times that I am unhappy and there is nothing in our marriage but he takes no notice and carries on as normal. It is eating away at me inside.

We are mortgage free. I am in a professional job and earn enough to get somewhere else. He doesn't earn as much as me and had leant on me, financially, over the years but now the mortgage is gone he shouldn't need to do this. We are not short of money.

I am dreading Christmas. His sister comes over (spinster). All of our parents are RIP. I have hated it the last few years as I feel I am keeping up appearances/living a fake life. I do not want to be in this marriage but can't seem to make the first move. It will break his heart but then, if I don't do something, it is me that will forever live with a sad heart.

I have even got another job that takes me away from home part of the week as I couldn't stand to be at home (with him) but he is oblivious to my feelings. I have rented a house elsewhere but plan on staying three nights a week. I don't dislike him. We get on ok, but that's just it - we're like two people living in the same house who just don't have love between them. Most evenings he has his head stuck in his laptop. We rarely talk these days.

I am living in a loveless marriage. No affection and very little in common. I fantasise about meeting someone else with more in common with me and likeminded (with a connection).

Is there anyone out there that has been through this? What did you do? I'm not sure what to do. Leave, file for divorce, sell the house and each of us buy another.
I feel so sad inside but carry on for the sake of the children. We don't really argue but there is nothing there and I am spending more and more time away from him.
Eldest has GCSEs in the summer so I am holding out until then.
Helpful words anyone?

Honestly, just go.
Don't wait for the GCSEs or whatever. People always say that and its an excuse.

Once they're done, there'll be A Levels, then uni exams, then the younger once's GCSEs and before you know it you'll be 60 and still stuck in this rut.

For all you know, you might have another 47 years left on this earth. Do you really want to risk spending them in this position?

Get Christmas out the way and go. Go and live the life you want.

What does his sister's single status have to do with it? I think it's really unnecessarily derogatory reference to her.

I am living in a loveless marriage. No affection and very little in common.

Your children know this. You'd be formalising something that they know already.

What are you modelling for healthy relationships for them? Are you prepared to write off any prospect of a reasonable life for yourself?

OP - of course you should give your oldest the chance to do their exams without the drama at home. People who say - just do it now, regardless of how the short tent effect would be - either have much younger, or grown kids and have forgotten how it is with teenagers.
However - there is a lot of prep you can do now, so that you can act and move swiftly after the exams. It’s only a few months to go anyway.

For starters - see a solicitor. And get a good understanding of what divorce means in you situation. It’s been a long marriage - so most likely you’ll have 50/50 in the split of assets. Given your higher income - he might be able to claim maintenance off you.
So - it’s good to have a good understanding of what’s what before

And in parallel - you can also plan and prepare your life for after you make a move.
Logistics - like can you afford to live in the same are it do kids need to move schools. How will your job with travel work with childcare. Etc.

And - although this isn’t MN-approved advice - I’d allow yourself to wake up and notice the world around you. Go out more with friends, meet people, be happy. Allow yourself to flirt and feel like a woman. If you have anyone in your life who you feel mutual attraction with - I’d see no reason not to act on it. 10 years of no sex and no intimacy and emotions - I think you perfectly justified to be a little selfish.

Anyway - it’s good you have realised what you need to do - as many people go through life ignoring their unhappiness. You are still not too old to meet someone who is a better companion to you

I just feel guilty as hell thinking like this but, also, planning it out in my head. I worry about what life will be like once the kids are grown up and left home.
But, I am so unhappy! I know he was never very sexual like other men and, I won’t lie, I have thought about other men! Hence, why so feel I need to do something.
Sorry I referred to my SIL as a spinster. She is in her 60’s and I feel I can’t talk to her either! She was a nun and I honestly think she has never had any experience with men. I sometimes think of confiding in her about the way I feel but not sure if that’s a good idea or not. My mum is no longer with us and I only have 2 older brothers (both who were against me marrying him anyway).
I’m just not sure what to do and how to go about it.

Why don’t you rent an Airbnb somewhere close by for a few months. Call it a temporary separation. Test the water. Go and see how you feel. It’s a halfway step. It might pave the way for you to do something more permanent. Go see a solicitor and see where you stand. If you do it carefully and no argumentatively then your elders GCSEs shouldn’t be affected. Just say you need to be away for work. To be honest, you’re not really living as man and wife anyway. You’re almost there! You should also think about joining some social groups and start building up your life

I feel like Cinderella! I work hard, have studied hard to rise through the ranks, do most things at home but have no joy (besides my children, of course). I don’t get to feel like a woman even though I am extremely sensual and passionate.

I am away for work Mon-Thurs (sometimes Tues-Thurs) anyway and that was the idea behind it - to see if I still felt the same. Yes, but I feel like my life isn’t moving forward.

Thanks for the advice btw

People who say - just do it now, regardless of how the short tent effect would be - either have much younger, or grown kids and have forgotten how it is with teenagers.

Or are aware, as I've stated, that after GCSEs come A levels and degrees and there never ends up being a 'right' time.

They'll know that their parents are in a loveless marriage. Teenagers aren't stupid.

I don't understand - you have rented another home? Does he know about this? And you work away a few nights a week - do you stay in that rented home or is that in another location?

How do your children get on with their dad?

Talk to your husband. Make clear it is over. Repeat as many times as it may take.

Then try to devise a practical strategy on the housing side. I would say - DO NOT LEAVE, nor expect him to. Part of that decision is where do the kids live, and for how long?

Possible ideas (i.e. what people tend to do!)
a. sell house now, and split proceeds.
b. agree that one moves out and gets another place (does it need space for two kids?), with an agreement to sell main house in X years time.
c. see if either of you could raise enough cash to 'buy out' the other. If he's 58, does he have a good pension scheme lump sum in the near future, or not? Or, do you earn enough to raise enough cash to do that.

For a few years, at least, the person with most of the childcare could get maintenance from the other. But not if 50/50 childcare.
Spousal maintenance is rare, unless one earner is very well-off (£100k+ zone), and in any case would be short-lived (probably).

Given his age, part of any settlement/split would need to consider his likely transition from work into retirement.

Divorce is a really big thing, and takes a while. Waiting until GCSEs are taken is entirely reasonable before taking clear action.

Be prepared for lots of sadness, and perhaps more of that in yourself than you may be expecting.

OP - you really need friendly support in your life - and NOT from his sister. Regardless if her age or marital status - she is his family. You can’t load her with your unhappiness with her brother.
Your later posts sound sad - you have very little social life outside of your marriage. Sounds like you work and spend time with the kids. And that must be terribly lonely.

For what it’s worth - you shouldn’t feel sorry for the way you feel. You married young, insecure and inexperienced. You dedicated most of your life to raising your kids. And It seems only now you finally came into your own. And remembered that you matter.
It’s OK to feel that way.

It’s highly unlikely that you H can change, and he clearly isn’t listening or caring about your unhappiness. You’ve been living the way you are for a very long time - and he is the way he is. Can’t change that.
So - I’d plan the life you want. And really try to build up your own life and support system. You need social life and friends.

How are the children?

You don't really mention them.

Several things to offer, for what they are worth: a discreet affair or FWB arrangement might offer you some perspective on what needs aren’t being met in your marriage (and if any are). I’m being practical here. No intimacy for ten years sounds absolutely miserable. I’m not seeing much sense there is a friendship with your husband worth staying for, but I would suggest it’s worth thinking about when the relationship became so obviously unhappy. What did you learn about relationships growing up? If it’s affordable, some counselling might well be helpful to you in acting on the decision it seems you have already made.

How are the children? You don't really mention them.

Indeed, heaven forfend a women be a little bit self focused for 5 minutes during a personal crisis.

I agree with waterSpider advice but also with MMmomDD.

If you have a child in Year 11 this year, wait until June (after exam are over). And then make it very clear that your relationship is over and that you need to be in different housing by end of summer hols (in your head, plan October half term).

In the meantime, between Jan and June, see a solicitor. Figure out whether there are grounds for divorce - it's still a fault based system (you might want to offer him the option to divorce you for unreasonable behaviour - don't have an affair for this purpose. Just make it clear that you won't have sex with him; and don't see him as a husband any more. Get more advice from your solicitor on this. ). Pull together a plan for children's care and financials. If needs be put some funds away. Get all your documents together so you can handle the divorce smoothly and simply.Google "Form E" to see the information you will need for the financials; get the house valued by three estate agents. Find examples of housing costs for yourself if you are the one to move out. Get your pension valued. etc. There is plenty you can do between Jan and June.

I am in a similar situation but my husband is also verbally abusive. I made a massive mistake marrying him, and almost every day I imagine how much better the kids and my life would be without him. Although without him I wouldn’t have my boys. We watched love actually the other night and all I could think of was that I don’t actually love him anymore at all.

I think you should use the new year as your prompt to have the conversation with him and the kids and start living the life you have dreamed of. Perhaps move into your rental full time and then put your house on the market which will force him to find somewhere else as well.

Good luck - this time of year really sucks when you are unhappy. Time to start feeling like yourself again.

I’m going to be blunt. You need to accept responsibility for ending your marriage and moving on. Waiting for your H to do it or for your head to be turned is not fair on anyone.

Hiding in a relationship that makes you unhappy is just another symptom of you not being proactive in your own life.

You need counselling,

If you were never sexually compatible you can't now throw that back as an issue.

Leave and like accept you made a mistake marrying him.
Life is too short

Yes, I’ve rented somewhere else and stay part of the week. The kids get on well with him.

The children are fine, they get on with life as normal. Both are bright kids.
My husband only had one girlfriend before me and he was very inexperienced. Not saying I was, as I was the same, but as the years have gone by I’ve realised we are very different. He is very, very obsessed with his hobby (trains) and has been since boyhood. His friends are a bit older than him and none married which I find a bit strange. My husband lacks social skills with other people (not his train friends) and I think there is something strange about him. Can’t put my finger on it. But, I know I’m unhappy and can’t go on like this.

I know I need to do something.

I think I’ve been too much of a coward to do anything. Plus, I spent years looking after my mum (who was an older mum) until she died (cancer) in 2015 and the children (plus, have a demanding career).
As the kids have got older and my mum is no longer here my thoughts have come to the surface and it’s like I’ve been hit in the face with something blatantly obvious.