I have a thread in AIBU.
It's making me realise how bad my relationship is.
Background:
We've been together 12 years and we have 3 kids.
I was 16 when our relationship started.
At 17 I had our first child.
We split when DS1 was a baby. I said he couldn't see DS1 at his mum's house as there was a history of abuse, drug taking and his mum is an alcoholic.
He took me to court. Judge agreed with me stating that his mum's house is unsafe.
He was granted access in a one to one contact centre, where the staff taught him how to interact with DS1.
Once that was finished the court order stated that he could see DS1 in the community on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
Any changes were subject to my approval. I held all the cards.
One night it was raining. Pouring. So I invited him in. We had a ONS.
I fell pregnant with DD. During the pregnancy he stepped up. He bought everything we needed for DD and we decided to give it another go.
When DD was 10 months old, my pill failed and I fell pregnant with DS2.
I had a very difficult pregnancy. He was extremely supportive throughout.
But... I gained 7st. I was miserable.
Fast forward to a couple of years ago.
I've never lost the weight. Every time I make the effort to do so, he buys takeaways, or junk and moans if I don't eat it, properly sulks.
He doesn't grasp that our weight is a serious problem. I'm almost 17st. He is 19 and a half stone.
I started working full time. He's a SAHD.
He complains about.money all the time. Constantly going on about it, questioning me constantly on what money we have and what I've spent it on, what money I can put in his bank, yet if I dare to ask where the money I put in his bank has gone, he goes mental. Shouting and throwing stuff.
Last September my implant failed and I fell pregnant with twins. I had an abortion as doctors told me my body would not cope with another pregnancy.
He had a vasectomy.
He now tells me that he wouldn't have done that if not for me, that I've made him less of a man.
Anyway. I am autistic (diagnosed 2018) and recently diagnosed with hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. (Which explains why my pregnancies were difficult) and I'm also severely depressed with psychosis and auditory hallucinations.
He sits at home all day, refusing to get a job. I've told him time and time again that now all the children are in school, him working would be best for the family.
He demands money, and spends it on takeaway and energy drinks.
He plays Xbox all day, ignores the kids a lot of the time. Ignores me or sulks and shouts.
He does no housework, expecting me to do it all. And complains if I ask him for help because I'm in pain.
He tries to take my pain killers and sulks if I tell him no.
He sits doing nothing all day and then calls me fat and lazy, tells me I'm worthless and I believed him.
I have to be his PA, reminding him of appointments that the kids have (DS1 has aortic and mitral regurgitation, suffers from migraines, has glue ear and asthma, DD has selective mutism, a severe anxiety disorder, and DS2 is allergic to tomatoes and has a wheat intolerance) etc, I make sure they're up and have teeth brushed, washed and have hair brushes before I leave for work at 7am. Then when I come home at 7pm, I do reading books and bedtime routine with the younger ones, then come downstairs, listen to the older one read while I make something to eat, because even though I generally make something to be heated up the next day (say, a cottage pie. I make it Monday ready for Tuesday) he never saves me any, so I inevitably have to make my own or he will order a takeaway. (Spending more money we don't have)
He often goes to bed early, or refuses to share the bed with me, sleeping in the sofa instead.
He puts me down and makes me feel like crap constantly and I've spent the last few years desperate for his attention and love.
And now I'm realising that I'm not going to get that. I need to get out. But I need a plan. Finances are tricky. We are on a DMP, which goes out of his account. All the debts are in my name.
So...
Things I have in my favour...
The tenancy is in my name only. Housing association house, so tenancy is secure.
If we split, thanks to the court order he will not be able to take the kids. They'll stay with me.
Things I need to figure out.
The DMP. Once it's under 20 grand I will apply for a debt relief order, and then it's only a year from then.
My mental health. I need to be in the right state of mind. I need support. And encouragement. There are going to be times I struggle and think it's pointless leaving.
Childcare. This is a tough one. The times I need to leave for work and the time I come home mean childcare is very difficult to figure out. I don't have family available to help, and there is no space for an au pair.
So MN. What I'm asking is for a handhold.
It might take a few years to figure everything out, but my relationship is over.
I see that now. I can't go on like this, walking on eggshells, afraid of his next tantrum. Although he isn't physically violent, the threat is there through his throwing things and punching walls. (He never does this in front of the kids. They don't see this, but I don't doubt they know something is going on and they pick up on the atmosphere)
So I need you all to keep me brave for however long it takes to pay down the DMP and squirrel away some money so if I need to take time off work while I figure out childcare, I'm not negatively affected.
I'm sorry it's so long.
TL;DR. My partner is a dickwad, and I know I need to leave but it will take time.