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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I said no and he guilted me into sex anyway

53 replies

CrazyMum40 · 22/12/2019 10:24

I've been going off sex with my boyfriend for a while, I love him but don't want him having sex with me, he's good looking but he grosses me out, he does loud farts, snot rockets, picking his nose, wiping it on himself, benching huge burps and scratching his ass

He thinks he can fart then make a move on me, then he'll finish, roll off and let rip!

I pretend to enjoy sex and he only lasts a couple minutes so I just do it, but then a few weeks ago I had to have surgery on my cervix so no sex for what was meant to be 4-6 weeks, I let him after 3 weeks

I told him the other night I got belly ache, he said okay, anyway we get into bed and he's huffing and grunting up against me saying he wants sex and I said no a few times, and that last time we had sex I had belly ache after and don't want my belly ache made worse

but he kept rubbing himself on me saying "but you wanted it earlier" I never said I wanted it at all, not even sure where he got that idea he just assumes if we stay in same bed I'll have sex with him

In the end I gave in and say okay he said "you could of says no" I said "I did but you wouldn't take no for an answear"

Then he sulked said I made him feel bad, basically guilt tripped me into it, knew I had a belly ache, since then I've really gone off him

How on earth do I tell him I don't want sex, and that I didn't anyway for a long time as he's crap at it anyway and gives me the ick factor and now he's twisted it to make me have sex it's the final straw

I really do love him though, we get on so well, he's lovely and we do nice things but I just don't want to kiss him or touch him or have sex with him

Are we doomed?

OP posts:

AFistfulofDolores1 · 22/12/2019 12:57

It's not just about the specific things he does. It's that, collectively, it adds up to one thing: contempt.

He has contempt for you, OP, and probably also for himself.

You deserve so much more.

Heismyopendoor · 22/12/2019 13:02

Wow. So you’d rather stay with him than be alone? You are worth more than this.

Dump him. Go and make some friends. Get a hobby or two that involve other people and make some friends that way. That’s better than staying with a guy who guilts you into sex, especially after an operation or when you have told him you don’t feel well. That’s abusive.

gamerchick · 22/12/2019 13:02

There's a word for men who won't take no for an answer OP and will carry on pestering for sex until you give in.

My experience is that once you don't want them touching you then it's game over. Once you've got rid you can get yourself a life and friends and maybe even meet someone who does it for you.

Original poster

CrazyMum40 · 22/12/2019 13:47

I did think it was sexual coercion as I looked up but then thought to myself "maybe it's not that bad" I feel as if I owe him sex that because he took me for a lovely meal he expected it, he always expects it, I feel its my duty, a chore I must do to be with him

OP posts:

lazylinguist · 22/12/2019 13:52

He sounds vile, OP. It's worrying to hear that you feel you owe sex to this animal just because he prevents you from being alone and buys you dinner. You are worth more. Why would you want to have sex as a chore to allow you to be with someone who treats you this way? I'd rather be alone for 100 years than be with a man like that.

gamerchick · 22/12/2019 14:10

You owe nobody sex OP. Not for any reason but feeling also in the mood.

Original poster

CrazyMum40 · 22/12/2019 15:20

Now I've been reading loads of other posts from woman on here in terrible relationships with horrible men it makes mine not look so bad

Better devil you know

OP posts:

Original poster

CrazyMum40 · 22/12/2019 15:21

I've tried being single but we end up back together as I always think it will be better this time

OP posts:

Lefkosia · 22/12/2019 15:30

I have had some fucking awful boyfriends and some of them were like that. They'd withhold affection if I said no to sex, they'd try and carry on anyway, they would get their end away even if i was laying there crying because I didnt want it but didnt know the right way to say no, in a way they would listen. And I never enjoyed sex because there was never any effort to make sure I did.

Then I met my fiance, who is the most amazing gentle kind man I've ever met, who is happy to cuddle all night even when we first met. It took me a long, long time to get used to the idea that I didnt have to have an excuse to say no to sex. If I wasnt in the mood or changed my mind halfway through I can say and he will stop and that's the end of it.

And that's normal. That's being loving and attentive OP. That's the minimum you should expect.

Sleepycat91 · 22/12/2019 15:43

This is actually considered rape. You never gave true consent. I was surprised to learn this studying law.

Original poster

CrazyMum40 · 22/12/2019 16:08

I want to be with him as he's nice in other ways it's just the sex and his disgusting habits

OP posts:

HarrietThePi · 22/12/2019 16:12

Op you won't hear many stories like: "last night my dp wanted to have sex, I wasn't in the mood and he respected that so we didn't have sex", because there is no story there. There are plenty of guys out there who do respect the word no and you shouldn't put up with less.

HarrietThePi · 22/12/2019 16:16

It's not going to get better. He's not going to stop doing things that disgust you, but coercing you into sex really should be the final straw.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/12/2019 16:17

I feel as if I owe him sex that because he took me for a lovely meal

Er no, that's a transactional relationship, not a respectful or affectionate one. I won't call it the P-word because that would imply something unpleasant about you which you clearly don't deserve. But basically, he's bought sex with food. Or thinks he has, and you give in to his belief. You could have suffered an unpleasant injury having sex so soon after an operation! But all he seems to care about is getting his end away.

Run away, run away. You sound too nice to be alone for long - and far too nice to put up with coercion/guilt tripping and farty sex.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/12/2019 16:20

Farty two minute sex at that!

Treesthemovie · 22/12/2019 16:33

He is vile

SmuggyMcKnobson · 22/12/2019 16:37

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not how sex works. he doesn't get to "buy" you.

Please find a way to stop being with this revolting specimen.

RhymingRabbit3 · 22/12/2019 16:42

I feel as if I owe him sex that because he took me for a lovely meal

It's so sad that you feel that way OP. Sex should be something that both parties enjoy, not that one person endures because the other wants it. You would be better off alone than with him, honestly.

And perhaps some people do have worse partners but that doesn't mean you should stay with someone who you find disgusting and who makes you unhappy. You want someone who is the best for you, not the "least bad".

lisag1969 · 22/12/2019 16:48

Leave him. X

lisag1969 · 22/12/2019 16:49

You will get used to being on your own and probably enjoy it. Please leave him.

Sadiesnakes · 22/12/2019 16:50

Apart from the coerced sex, he sounds absolutely vile.

I don't understand how you can love him.

It's very sad the positions low self esteem puts women in.

Original poster

CrazyMum40 · 22/12/2019 17:08

Annie you made me giggle, yeah I know farty 2 minute sex lol, silver lining is I only need to put up with around 2 minutes of it, it could be worse he could last longer, he littrally pumps away till he shoots his load then rolls off, he knows he cums quick and even asks me to slow down so he can enjoy it for longer shudders which is even worse as I want it over and done with so I tell him I prefer it fast, I'm such a good actress the more I pretend to be into it the quicker he cums

Good point rhyming rabbit never thought if it like that

We are both co dependant tbh like we're addicted to each other we message often and he calls a lot too, to not have that I'd feel so lonely, my anxiety makes it hard for me to join groups or meet friends to take my mind off things if we was to break up

Then I'm heartbroken and remember all the good times, I littrally thought "thank fuck I don't need to put up with sex with him anymore" the last time we broke up, somehow my mind forgot that and I'm back with him, he's changed this time he's a better boyfriend but I think he wants sex more than he used too when we've been together in the past

I've took it all on board I don't know what to do, I'm in two minds

OP posts:

Heismyopendoor · 22/12/2019 17:14

But you’ve broke up how ever many times and got back together and it’s not better. That’s insanity, doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results.

You need to be strong and get some respect for yourself.

He’s a horrible, abusive, excuse for a man. Your anxiety cannot be made better by having him around.

busybarbara · 22/12/2019 17:38

Just call it a day. You speak about him with such contempt and he's a rapist to boot. Find some self worth and end it and call the police for good measure

AnFiadhRuaRua · 22/12/2019 17:42

@CrazyMum40 omg, you need to detach and stay single until you can pick better relationships. Not just better men, but better relationships.

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