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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messages on his phone - I think I need talked down

48 replies

Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 00:06

Things haven’t been great with my husband. I mean not terrible. We have two very small children. We have very little sex. Not much time to ourselves. We don’t really argue much or anything.

His work is female-heavy. He has female work friends. He gets on well with them in work and on nights out but that’s all. He wouldn’t see them out of work or anything. No issues there.

Tonight we are at my parents. He was downstairs and left his phone charging upstairs beside me while I was getting ready to go out. A message came through on WhatsApp. Unsaved number, girl in the picture (recognise her as someone he’s pally work at work - I’ve met her once or twice).

Yeah I read them. They’ve been messaging each other since mid-November. I’d emphasise that the messages are innocent. Nothing flirty or sexual etc. Mainly about work/people at work.

I am surprised by how crap I feel about it. I can barely look at him tonight and I can’t even put my finger on why. She’s married with kids too. I don’t think I fear an affair as such (although she is very attractive and I wonder if he has a crush on her). We don’t talk much any more. Maybe it’s that

I think what has also set my alarm bells off is that he’s never mentioned that he chats to her on WhatsApp. He isn’t even that big on WhatsApp, doesn’t really have close female friends and never has. It just seems out of character.

I’m sorry this is a bit garbled. I can’t make sense of it.

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 22/12/2019 00:09

💐

Stillfunny · 22/12/2019 00:21

My attitude is that married people should not have any relationships at all with other people that is a secret. Just no.

Do they have to coordinate work schedules? What reason do they need to be in contact?Perhaps it is so mundane that he didn't mention it.

I am sorry that this is making you anxious .I don't blame you.

Original poster
Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 00:27

Some of it is picking work up for each other. She works part time so he messages her along the lines of “sorry to bother you but X has happened, should I do Y?” Sort of thing and I get that that’s necessary. It’s the stuff in between I think.

OP posts:
HabbyHadno · 22/12/2019 00:32

If there's nothing flirty or too personal in the messages then I wouldn't worry about it too much.

MsDogLady · 22/12/2019 00:33

I can understand why you are feeling unsettled by this. Your H has been messaging another woman on WhatsApp for a month without being open with you about it. This is atypical behavior for him.

Although the messages are not sexual or flirty, they could be developing emotional intimacy if they are frequently interacting both in and outside of work hours. My husband would never maintain this level of contact with another woman.

Trust your instincts, OP. When you going to address this with him?

Original poster
Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 00:35

I don’t know. I don’t know when or how without sounding like a jealous nutter

OP posts:
HabbyHadno · 22/12/2019 00:41

I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about DH's team (all girls) message him a lot outside of work and I'm pretty sure there's nothing more to it than talking about work stuff. What's worrying you? Has his behaviour changed?

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/12/2019 00:47

It sounds like you both need to start making your relationship a priority rather than just drifting along as co-parents. Hire a babysitter and go out once a week/fortnight - even if it’s only two or three hours having a drink in the pub and making it a deal to talk about anything but children. I’d wager that’s what’s at the roof of you feeling crap - he’s having adult conversations with somebody else when you say yourself that the two of you don’t talk much anymore and life revolves around small children.

If I look through my WhatsApp chats I can see perhaps a couple of dozen in there in the past month with people such as colleagues, boyfriend’s friends, boyfriend’s friends’ partners, friends of friends etc. Not one of them would I think I needed to “mention” to my boyfriend. The fact that it’s usual for you and your DH to know the ins and outs of every single interaction the other is having with anyone also points to a very restricted life.

I think you need to tell him that you was s message come up and realised it upset you because it’s an interaction of the kind you no longer have in your marriage and miss. Work from there.

Original poster
Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 00:47

No I wouldn’t say anything has changed. He’s a good guy generally. I think maybe with things not being great between us it’s just made me a little worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 00:49

Comtesse that makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 22/12/2019 01:03

I agree with Comtesse. Wouldnt necessarily worry that it means something but you both need to input into your relationship a bit more.

YappityYapYap · 22/12/2019 01:04

You aren't at all unreasonable at being a bit shocked here. I mean he hasn't mentioned it to you and you're probably wondering why? I imagine you'd have thought he might have said something like "Oh Julie is messaging about work" or something like that? Although it's innocent from what you can see, are you worried it will develop or that he'll get involved and end up with a crush or something?

It's hard with two young kids. I can't imagine knowing he messages a woman from work that is attractive as you say is doing any good to your self esteem?

adagiok5 · 22/12/2019 01:05

Hi Eiffel85
I am sorry you are feeling so anxious about this. My ex partner had an emotional affair with a woman (he is now with her) I found all about this on his phone too. From my experience the contact your husband is having with the woman in whatsapp sounds innocent. My advice to you would be to keep an eye on the situation before you challenge him about it.

Periodically look at his phone for your own peace of mind. I know it's not good to check someone's phone but my ex husband and my ex partner both let me down with other people and I found both of them out through their phones. If I hadn't I think the pair of them would have continued with the OW whilst being with me. Don't upset the apple cart yet as once you tell him you have checked his phone he will put a lock on it or hide it away which I think will be worse in the long run.
I think these days with modern technology it is so easy to cheat on someone but remember it's also easier with technology to find them out .
Good luck.
.

Kusz76 · 22/12/2019 02:10

Sounds just work stuff so I wouldn’t worry about it, maybe he’s not mentioned it as it’s not worth mentioning? Seems perfectly innocent

MsDogLady · 22/12/2019 02:30

OP, was this message on the Saturday night during the Christmas holidays about work?

LagerBrains · 22/12/2019 05:17

More and more work people are using WhatsApp to communicate and that is exactly what he is doing, communicating with a worker.

It’s often the most convenient way to communicate, beats emailing for swiftness and it’s often the most immediate way to get a reply without having to call and talk.

Really nothing to worry about.

Thatnameistaken · 22/12/2019 06:48

My DP also works in a female heavy office environment. He was a nurse when we first got together so I had to deal with my pangs of jealousy very early on, it took a conscious effort to keep a lid on my anxiety when he was on works night's out etc. but over time he's proved himself worthy of trust. He regularly chats with his colleagues on messenger, but I trust him and have never felt the need to look at the messages. Until he does something to make you think otherwise, trust him and let it go. You could drive yourself mad.
It's hard with little ones but do try to make time for each other, it's doing nice stuff together that reassured me he enjoyed my company.

roseapothecary · 22/12/2019 07:01

This happened to me a couple of years ago. I found out my DH was messaging a work colleague that he never ever mentioned to me. He talked about plenty of male and female work colleagues but this person he kept a secret.
The messages were not flirty or sexual but they were messaging before, during and after work. They were going out for lunch together. The only reason I could think that he had kept this (younger and very attractive) friend secret was that he fancied her. I was struggling with losing weight and with my mental health at the time and it really upset me. I tried to talk to DH about it but he got mad at me for looking at his phone and I ended up apologising to him.

cricketballs3 · 22/12/2019 07:02

My colleagues and I often message (I'm the only female) - I've never felt the need to inform DH as I don't work with him.

We use WhatsApp/FB messager so it's not monitored and we can make our feelings known if something has pissed us off!

R2519 · 22/12/2019 07:09

My wife speaks to work colleagues on WhatsApp. Some men done women. Occasionally I’ll ask who had messaged but she doesn’t have to tell me who messaged her in general or when her male work colleagues send her a message and I wouldn’t expect it. That would be controlling. I’m sorry but the issue is in your head. You have said the conversations are about work or people at work and they are not flirty, so he had done absolutely nothing wrong. Please don’t make him feel he had done something wrong and should report his conversations to you. That is controlling behaviour and if this were the other way round MN would tell you to LTB!!

LemonTT · 22/12/2019 08:31

I think the Countesse’s advice is spot on. The thing to do is to speak to him and explain that you are feeling anxious and insecure about your relationship. That you want to work on it.

Be clear about what you want to achieve. I suggest you think about this. Saying you to spend more time together won’t work. You probably spend a lot of time together. But are either of you present with each other in that time? By that I mean focused on the other person and not work, the children, housework or hobbies. Is the act of sex you want or do you want to rebuild the sexual attraction and flirtations you once had?

Picking the right time to have this conversation is important. You are upset and angry right now. Try to get back to a calmer and more rational state of mind. Arrange some time with him that means you can have this conversation. It might just be the first one and it will not resolve the whole situation. You could just tell him how you feel and ask him to think about it. Then speak again.

I understand why the conversations upset you. But they don’t demonstrate infidelity of any kind and adults are allowed to have conversations with colleagues. They happen in person or increasingly by messaging services. Her being PT might be why he communicates with her this way.

Telling him you snooped on his phone will be difficult. It was wrong and you do have to demonstrate you know that and are sorry if you tell him. Its not controlling to do it once in these circumstances but it would be controlling to continue to do it. Even if married you don’t own his heart or mind, he should give that to you willingly.

Sunshinegirl82 · 22/12/2019 09:32

I understand the fog of working, keeping on top of a house and having young children. It does sometimes feel like it's just a never ending cycle of washing, play doh, snotty noses, nappy changes, bath times, bed times, night wake ups etc etc. It's tough and it does mean there isn't much time just to be a couple.

The messages sound entirely innocent and I don't think it's odd that he hadn't mentioned them. I message work people quite often, I wouldn't think to mention it to DH. It would go something like this "DH, I'm just letting Steve from work know that I'm going to drive straight to that meeting first thing and then I'll head to the office". If I did that I think my DH would look at me blankly!

I think this has highlighted to you the fact that you are feeling a bit vulnerable and disconnected from your DH and it's made you panic a bit.

Your DH sounds like a pretty good husband and father based on what you've said so talk to him. Arrange time for the two of you together without the DC to reconnect a bit. I think that's the main issue.

madparrotlady12 · 22/12/2019 09:48

Hi op I honestly think that when the opposite sex start texting each other out of work hours and mostly every day then there is something happening or something will happen . Either one fancies the other or they both do . My ex had an affair with a girl in work and this is how it started . I think at the start they message about work just so they have a reason to contact the other person x

peachypetite · 22/12/2019 09:53

The only thing that seems a bit off is that it’s an unsaved number? Why is that? However you have acknowledged things have got a bit stale between you so why not think how you can get the romance back before it’s too late.

Original poster
Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 10:03

Thank you. This has been reassuring.

He doesn’t keep her existence secret. She sits opposite him and I know they are friends. I know he’s going to have female friends at work. I have male friends at work. I just think it’s strange at this stage that he’s started messaging her out of work.

The message on Saturday night - she had messaged him on the Friday night about someone having handed in their notice and he hadn’t replied until Saturday morning (he was out on Friday with work but I guess she wasn’t there) so she was responding to that message

OP posts: