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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Messages on his phone - I think I need talked down

48 replies

Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 00:06

Things haven’t been great with my husband. I mean not terrible. We have two very small children. We have very little sex. Not much time to ourselves. We don’t really argue much or anything.

His work is female-heavy. He has female work friends. He gets on well with them in work and on nights out but that’s all. He wouldn’t see them out of work or anything. No issues there.

Tonight we are at my parents. He was downstairs and left his phone charging upstairs beside me while I was getting ready to go out. A message came through on WhatsApp. Unsaved number, girl in the picture (recognise her as someone he’s pally work at work - I’ve met her once or twice).

Yeah I read them. They’ve been messaging each other since mid-November. I’d emphasise that the messages are innocent. Nothing flirty or sexual etc. Mainly about work/people at work.

I am surprised by how crap I feel about it. I can barely look at him tonight and I can’t even put my finger on why. She’s married with kids too. I don’t think I fear an affair as such (although she is very attractive and I wonder if he has a crush on her). We don’t talk much any more. Maybe it’s that

I think what has also set my alarm bells off is that he’s never mentioned that he chats to her on WhatsApp. He isn’t even that big on WhatsApp, doesn’t really have close female friends and never has. It just seems out of character.

I’m sorry this is a bit garbled. I can’t make sense of it.

OP posts:

ThatLibraryMiss · 22/12/2019 10:03

Please don’t make him feel he had done something wrong and should report his conversations to you. That is controlling behaviour and if this were the other way round MN would tell you to LTB!!

I wish we could upvote on MN. As for periodically checking on his phone - what would MN say if a man were checking his female partner's phone?

ThatLibraryMiss · 22/12/2019 10:06

If she messaged him on Friday night, he responded on Saturday morning and she replied on Saturday night it doesn't sound like a sizzling hot affair. It sounds like two people who work together exchanging information (and maybe a little gossip, who isn't interested in gossip?) about work.

Sweetdisposition91 · 22/12/2019 10:13

Maybe he didn’t save her number because it’s not that important to him

I regularly forget or don’t bother to save numbers of people I don’t think I’m going to speak to much etc

JoyceJames · 22/12/2019 10:24

I definitely say trust your instincts. This isn't quite right and could well be the start of an emotional affair, or worse.

I think it's best to sit down with him and discuss it. I wouldn't be getting up from that conversation on the understanding that it was going to continue, if we were.

LemonTT · 22/12/2019 10:41

I apologise for the distraction from the OPs actual request for advice, which is to give her some perspective. The following isn’t about the OP.

However some of the responses on here are just an abusers charter. Please can we stop normalising and condoning controlling behaviour. It’s doesn’t matter if it is by a man or woman. You are stating that this behaviour is not only ok but is to be recommended. Somebody reading this might then normalise their abusive husbands behaviour.

People are allowed to have conversations with colleagues and friends. They can do it on phones or in person. They don’t need their partners permission and they don’t need to share the event with their partner.

What we are not allowed to do, is tell our spouse or partner who they can or cannot speak to, how they communicate and to check up on them on a regular basis. It’s doesnt matter what our insecurities are or whether it might lead to something else. That’s the risk we run in life and quite frankly if you can’t live with it, don’t get involved with someone.

If your spouse or partner sits you down and tells you not to have innocent conversations with a colleague on WhatsApp, then please know it is huge red flag.

Betterbegoing · 22/12/2019 10:46

Okay. I don’t think there’s anything to be worried about with the messages, you say yourself they are platonic messages often regarding work. The real reason it’s upset you so much is because it’s highlighted the flaws in your own relationship and that’s made you feel insecure. That’s what you need to work on, the fact that you feel distant from him now, and the fact that you don’t talk anymore.

R2519 · 22/12/2019 12:23

Well said @LemonTT!!! I couldn’t have put it better myself. I’m astounded at the comments from some people. OP has clearly stated these conversations are about work and people at work, nothing flirtatious in the slightest yet people think they have the right to say this is not appropriate. Seriously! Its controlling and quite frankly disgusting behaviour. As I said in my other message, if the boot were on the other foot Mumsneters would be saying He is controlling and to LTB immediately!!

R2519 · 22/12/2019 12:25

@JoyceJames you controlling horrible person. Ridiculous comment.

Startingoveragain1 · 22/12/2019 14:32

I work in teaching, so 95%women, we do text each other at very odd times as we can be planning at 6 am or cramming it at 9 pm. I find that i check in quite often with my partner teacher (we share planning etc)and its often in the evenings. She is a woman and my partner doesnt care at all. Now rewind to 2 year ago i had a male partner teacher and my partner used to think it was really out of order to text out of school hours. We had many problems because of this as he couldnt understand why wr would need to text each otheror start talking about x and y child. (There was absolutely never nothing romantic but i find a lot of teachers dont quite ever disconnect from the job) could ut be something similaf? i think since you've seen the texts and there's nothing dodgy, you should try to chill out. Im sure it might have come as a surprise and you may not love the idea but there doesnt seem to be anythin bad going on. Focus on working on your realationship and making sure it is as strong as it can be! X

cricketballs3 · 22/12/2019 15:55

Fully agree with Lemon - if my DH had an issue with my chatting/gossiping with my male colleagues (I'm the only female teacher in my department) then we would have a major problem.

Original poster

Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 16:12

Ok. I don’t think I am a controlling person. I have no intention of keeping an eye on his texts I don’t want to be that person.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 22/12/2019 16:33

OP
You are not controlling. The references are to some of the advice given to pps.

You are worried about your marriage. It’s seems some distance is opening up and it is making you feel anxious and insecure. But you recognise this isn’t a healthy state to be in. Everyone is allowed a bit of a snoop but not a lifetime of snooping. I can see you aren’t that person. But you are human and you have feelings and needs.

The best advice on here is to address how he is with you and how you are together. I’m not too sure you need to admit to the snoop. I don’t think it is relevant to the concerns you really have about you and him.

Original poster

Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 16:34

I think I’m worried it’s gone too far and we can’t go back.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 22/12/2019 16:51

All you can do is try. If it works then you can rediscover your previous happiness or maybe something different but better. Like most people he will want his marriage to work even if he has lost his way in showing that.

Remember he gets paid and is expected to be pleasant and good humoured with colleagues.

cricketballs3 · 22/12/2019 18:27

I think I’m worried it’s gone too far and we can’t go back

How are messages about work too far? You have said yourself that there was nothing "flirty" so why the worry?

Keepmewarm · 22/12/2019 18:34

I work in a mostly male environment and would be devastated if anyone thought our innocent messages were anything other than friendly chatter.

squigglybook · 22/12/2019 18:41

Messages are a red herring. He’s allowed general chit chat with females that he doesn’t inform you about. Sounds like it’s your relationship you’re really worried about so talk to him

gigi556 · 22/12/2019 18:42

I agree with everything @ComtesseDeSpair said.

CointreauVersial · 22/12/2019 18:57

Re: admitting to "snooping" at his phone, you can legitimately say that the phone pinged while you were in the room, and you looked at it to see if it was an important message. I often do this with DH - let him know there's a WhatsApp from his sister, or whoever, when he's not near his phone. This is hardly snooping.

I also think it's totally innocent, although it has opened up some wounds about your marriage which are worth addressing. A bit of honest communication needed.

Original poster

Eiffel85 · 22/12/2019 19:04

Sorry I don’t mean the messages mean it’s gone too far. I mean the distance between us. I don’t know where to even begin with speaking to him.

I’m just so tired.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/12/2019 19:12

Honestly just say that you saw the message pop up and it made you feel the way you felt and that you miss him.

You know you've both lost touch of your relationship. He probably knows it too.

It's not too late.

SpicyRibs · 22/12/2019 19:29

OP, sounds like nothing dodgy going on.

If this has however exposed your underlying insecurities and belief that you guys need to work on your relationship, turn that into a positive and do it.

@LemonTT - nailed it imo.

Youcouldbemysilversprings · 22/12/2019 19:31

OP I could have written your post a few years ago. The only difference for me was that it was clear that the work colleague fancied my dh, and when I read the messages (yep I did read them) I could clearly see she was trying to wheedle her way into criticising me, our family life etc, oh so very subtly. I told dh I'd read them, I yelled and screamed (I had just had a baby and had severe pnd), he was messaging her for hours while sitting in the same room as me. He saw it all as innocent and I asked him if it was the other way round, would he be okay with it. And he admitted he wouldn't be.
Funny thing is she started messaging him recently again, saying inappropriate things like she missed him(they've both since changed jobs and she needed advice about something work related) , and she would hug him better (he was missing his old job) Again I told him that if he messaged her again I'd consider it an emotional affair. He promised he'd put an end to it. (these particular messages came through when I was using his phone for something so I wasn't snooping).
He didn't say anything inappropriate but I guess the tone of the conversations, although work related, we're just too over familiar for me to deal with.
I think you need to tell him that it's unacceptable, my dh was mortified when I pointed it out to him, big hugs to you!

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