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Original poster

Discussing incontinence with a loved one

38 replies

Smashtastick · 21/12/2019 22:20

How do you do it?

My mum is only 60 but disabled due to being very overweight.

I have started to notice that small damp patches appear when she sits in my house and today, she mentioned needing the toilet before I dropped her off home and when I got back in the car there was a large damp patch on my passenger car seat.

I can't have her going round peeing on everything and smelling and not realising it (she also has issues with sense of smell) but equally I really DO NOT want to have this conversation. ☹️

Unfortunately there's only me that can have it though.

Any ideas on how I broach this? She is very very sensitive about her weight and resulting disability so I'm also really worried about upsetting her.

Our relationship is only just getting back on track from a fallout we had about something else related a few months ago.

She also will flat refuse to go to the Dr.

OP posts:
Dieu · 21/12/2019 22:23

I would pick up some incontinence pads (Lidl do fab cheap ones) and say casually 'oh mum, I picked these up for you in town today. Thought they might help'.
She absolutely can't continue like this.

FriedasCarLoad · 21/12/2019 22:26

I like Dieu’s suggestion. I hope that it works so that you don't end up having to spell things out. Good luck Flowers

sirmione16 · 21/12/2019 22:30

You have to gently explain to her that you've noticed she may be having a few issues with it, and offer to buy her some pads or supplies. Ask her if she would like you to look into different ones and what may be most suitable or whether she'd like to do it herself. I feel what's important here is that you come across as putting her first and that you're thinking of her. Be sensitive, and don't use the words "you would" too much. Try and say things like "some women find these most useful because" rather than "you need this and that" and ask her leading questions. Such as "have you noticed any issues? Have you looked into it or getting supplies? Would you like me to help you out or would you like to sort it" let her be in control

ThisIsM · 21/12/2019 22:30

I think I would go with something like,
'Mum I don't want to embarrass you but is everything ok down there? I just noticed a wet patch when you got out the car yesterday, can I pick you up some tena lady in town tomorrow?'

But I am one for honesty 😬

QuestionableMushroom · 21/12/2019 22:30

That and strongly encourage her to see her GP, in a lot of cases that are things that can be done to improve things

zenasfuck · 21/12/2019 22:30

I'd jsut mention the wet patches and say you are concerned she may have a uti and are worried about her then gently persuade her to see her gp about it

Original poster
Smashtastick · 21/12/2019 22:30

@Dieu god that's brave.

I might leave some in her bathroom.

She will think I'm being a cow. Truly, she is so much in denial.

OP posts:
Puppylucky · 21/12/2019 22:42

Do you not realise that she has realised for herself that her bladder control isn't what it was? She will still feel the sensation of bladder release even if you believe she can't smell it. Stop treating your mother like a smelly old pet and talk to her!

Original poster
Smashtastick · 21/12/2019 22:47

@zenasfuck she will not go to the DRS. For anything.

Apparently they 'blame everything on me being fat and don't help'

That's because most if not 100% of her issues ARE because she is very very overweight.

But I can't let her go around wetting herself. I'm going to buy some pads and leave them in her upstairs bathroom. That way she won't see them till I'm gone.

Such a coward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smashtastick · 21/12/2019 22:52

@Puppylucky no, sorry you can't always feel it. I know because after my second DC was born I experienced it for myself for a good two years.

Not to the same extent as this but I needed to wear pads.

And if I was treating her like a smelly old pet id just put puppy pads down for her where she sits and send her out into the garden every hour or so. 😆 I am not doing that.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 21/12/2019 22:55

You'll have to gently talk to her. She may not realise she's leaking.

Does she cook for herself? Receive any weight loss support?

Original poster
Smashtastick · 21/12/2019 22:58

@RantyAnty

She eats mostly ready meals and junk.

No weightless support. She won't engage with services. If I mention it at all she just gets upset, so I don't.

OP posts:
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 21/12/2019 23:04

Oh god. Tricky. I can’t imagine broaching such a subject with any of my female relatives! She will probably be utterly mortified. I can only suggest proceeding with complete and utter caution. I like the idea of leaving pads in her bathroom. That way no one ever mentions it out loud and you can maintain the polite fiction that you didn’t notice a thing.

RantyAnty · 21/12/2019 23:07

@Smashtastick

I feel for you being in such a difficult situation. You're right, she's in denial. With refusing to see a gp, she may have other health issues.

Is there anyone at all she listens to or values their advice?

sunshineandshowers21 · 21/12/2019 23:09

my great grandma had some problems with incontinence in her later years, but i think was too embarrassed to say anything about it. in the end my mum bought her some incontinence pads and just said that she’d received them as a free sample and didn’t have any use for them and did my great grandma want them. then she just used to buy them with the rest of the shopping each week and leave them in the bathroom without saying anything.

Original poster
Smashtastick · 21/12/2019 23:22

@RantyAnty no, there is only me. She has alienated all her friends and family wise there is only her dad (my grandad, who is in his 90's) me and my brother.

My brother would never notice nevermind say anything so it falls to me.

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 21/12/2019 23:26

Not quite the same but I've had to address BO issues with people in the workplace more times than I care to remember. With every single one of them I've thought how mortified they must be that a manager is telling them and that others have noticed.

So with that in mind, could you take an angle of "I've noticed a couple of times (important to say more than once so it's acknowledging it isn't just a one off) that there have been damp patches where you have been sitting, I don't know if you've realised but thought you would be upset if someone beyond us did so thought I would mention it. I've bought you some pads (get them in so she can just start using them and you don't have to have another conversation about it) and left them in the bathroom. Let me know when you want me to pick up any more."

She will be embarrassed, theres no way around that, but you can then move on to something else and it doesnt need to be a conversation as such. She shouldn't be embarrassed, I think it's far more commonplace than anyone realises. She's got 20 years on me and I have this problem and can't do any form of exercise without tena lady!!

Ulterego · 21/12/2019 23:35

OP, she sounds like a somewhat dysfunctional person and this must be extremely difficult and stressful for you, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here but I wonder if if you would find it at all helpful to read some of the stately homes threads?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3751057-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-November-2019-onwards-thread

Original poster
Smashtastick · 22/12/2019 07:59

@ulterego thank you

OP posts:
shinynewapplesonachristmastree · 22/12/2019 09:45

I agree, for now, just buy her some pads, leave them in her bathroom and hope she uses them, otherwise you will have to broach the subject a bit more openly.

I also wanted to send my sympathy to you. Caring for someone who will not accept outside help is so, so difficult, particularly as your mum is relatively young.

Ulterego · 22/12/2019 10:23

My advice is to have very firm boundaries, of course your mother deserves compassion help and support but she should be seeking this from professionals, rather than relying on you, yes this is a very difficult problem for her but it's not fair to make it your problem I think you should be very careful about the amount of help that you offer her.
I don't wish to sound callous but you have to protect yourself first and foremost

CatalogueUniverse · 22/12/2019 10:35

I’d get a cover for the car seat with a bed pad underneath. Same for wherever she sits in your house. Drop pads in her bathroom.

If she mentions the covers in your house say I didn’t think you would want to discuss it, but I’m happy to do so. Either she will, she’ll back off or create a fight. You can’t fix that. You can protect your car seat and furniture though.

Original poster
Smashtastick · 22/12/2019 11:13

@Ulterego yes agreed. I have read some of the tread you linked and ordered one of the books but I'm not really in a place where I want to dissect my relationship with my mother today. As I said above we have only just got back on track after a fallout and it's nearly Christmas so for my own sanity and for the kids I will keep it put to bed until the new year I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smashtastick · 22/12/2019 11:14

Except for the pads. I'll just leave them in the bathroom and deny all knowledge if it sets her off.

I know that's terrible but il pick my timing for confession if it upsets her I think.

OP posts:
Reclaiminglife · 22/12/2019 11:19

I had this with my mother in law. I framed it as her having sensitive bladder issues that would probably pass but got some incontinence pants “for the time being” as a temporary help. She’s used to them now.

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