Discussing incontinence with a loved one

[Smashtastick]

How do you do it?

My mum is only 60 but disabled due to being very overweight.

I have started to notice that small damp patches appear when she sits in my house and today, she mentioned needing the toilet before I dropped her off home and when I got back in the car there was a large damp patch on my passenger car seat.

I can't have her going round peeing on everything and smelling and not realising it (she also has issues with sense of smell) but equally I really DO NOT want to have this conversation. ☹️

Unfortunately there's only me that can have it though.

Any ideas on how I broach this? She is very very sensitive about her weight and resulting disability so I'm also really worried about upsetting her.

Our relationship is only just getting back on track from a fallout we had about something else related a few months ago.

She also will flat refuse to go to the Dr.

You should do whatever makes life easiest for you OP,
refusing to accept outside help is in many ways a very manipulative thing to do

Say you were reading something about how women can sometimes leak urine and not realise or be embarrassed and that you'd hope if that was happening to someone you loved they'd feel they could talk to you about it

I may not go with @Dieu - she may feel you're mocking/judging. She may know and just be really embarrassed- or if she doesn't know may be mortified

And women who've had more kids often don't have such strong muscles, it's also a fact that lack of oestrogen can have this effect. So it could be age related too

I'm a nurse, we are sometimes asked to give pessaries containing oestrogen to help with this problem.

Get some kylies for chairs and your car seat. They don’t look like incontenence pads at all

I used to give a lift to an old lady occasionally and I always put a rug on my car seat 'for comfort.'
We both knew why it was there but it worked for us.

@Blushingm

That's as may be, but she clearly can't go on wetting other people's furniture and car seats!
I don't understand the whole brushing it under the carpet attitude, and how it actually helps anyone.
Sorry OP, but with your mother, it sounds like you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't

I would email Tena and ask them to send out a sample of their products to your Mum with some information leflets. Also perhaps look at the Tena website for advice. I'm sure they have experience dealing with these situations and would provide helpful information. Maybe even get samples sent to your house and bring them over to her. It will start a discussion and she won't feel someone has sent them to her deliberately.

She knows she wetting herself and is being selfish going around to other people's houses and peeing on their stuff why doesn't she care, try the lads or lady padded knickers, instead of expensive bed or kiddy wetness pads buy puppy pads put them down in your car and on her settee if she doesn't get the hint when you leave the pads, I feel sorry for her if she can't help it, but she knows she's doing it she'll feel damp, she's being rude

Or maybe she knows she's peeing herself and she's wearing a pad but it's not as absorbant enough as she needs so it's leaking and she needs to move onto the adult nappys

That is disgusting. Unless she has competence issues ( dementia etc) talk to her kindly but honestly and tell her she needs to start wearing pads, that you’ll support her to go to
GP etc.

One of my mums big fears is she will turn into a smelly old lady and has made me promise that if she smells I have to tell her rather than let her smell and be embarrassed!

I hope you might be able to persuade her to see a womens health phisio, either via GP or privately, the one who helped me (issue fully resolved) said 80% of those who saw her would be cured if they did the exercises even up to age 90. Long term pad use is certainly not inevitable.