I'm in love with my baby's dad

[annielennoxstuckinmyhead]

Pretty much that.

We weren't together when I fell pregnant. Hadn't been seeing each other long at all. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

It got a bit messy between us during the pregnancy. He buried his head massively and ran off.

Our son is now a month old, he got in contact after I told him he was born prematurely and pulled his head out the sand and begged me to let him be around for him and apologised for how he treated me over the last 9 months and broke down to me on the phone. Hearing him cry broke my heart.

We don't live in the same county, so he travelled up the other day to meet his son and he stayed. Nothing happened. He's been seeing someone.

Despite us being backwards and forwards arguing the toss during the pregnancy, we actually get on stupidly well. He even said it himself when he was here.

I've never met someone before where I've felt like I've known them for so much longer. We can talk about pointless shit, we laugh together. He's the first man I've met where I've never felt uncomfortable around.

I think I'm in love with him despite the shit and he has absolutely no idea.

I'm 28 years old and need to get a fucking grip. Can not believe I feel like this and I feel so stupid. Yet I feel so sad because I know that tonight he's going to see the girl he's been seeing. He did say the other night that he doesn't know how he feels about the situation with her anymore and is considering calling it off, but is going to see how things are when he sees her.

I know I'll never be able to tell him how I feel. I can't deal with anymore rejection. I've been hurt a lot in the past. So instead, I'll just be watching from afar as he falls in love with someone else and I'm just left with his baby.

I'm suffering a bit with PND at the moment which probably isn't helping me feeling overly emotional.

Someone give me a slap. Or a hug. I dunno.

I'm very cautious of the fact he's only a month old so my hormones could be everywhere. I'm really holding back from contacting him as much as possible.

Just be sure he's kind to you. Think, if I had a daughter- is this the kind of man I would want her to be with.

I lost sight years ago of what it's like to be treated properly to the point where I don't have any expectations. I don't really know how the explain it.

I wish I didn't read in to every single thing, second guessing everyone's move. I feel like it's taking over my life to the point where I just don't let anyone in anymore.

Men have done so many bad things to me. I was raped twice last year, by two separate people one being my ex the other being a friend. I mean seriously, how can that happen twice? I must be fucking stupid. He didn't know any of this when we first met. Although I finally told him things the other night when we were talking.

I can't ever tell him how I feel, although I don't even know what I do feel anymore. It'll honestly push me over the edge when he says he doesn't feel the same. It almost seems easier to deal with the hurt of him being with other people.

God my brain. Why can't it just be normal?

Your brain is normal - it's just been treated badly by others. That's the only thing that's wrong. There is nothing wrong with you, you've just be conditioned to expect less.

Honestly? My gut instinct is that this man doesn't deserve you. You can do better. But pause relationships for now and find a way to value yourself again. Think of those you love or admire - what should THEY expect in a relationship ... and then those same rules apply to you too

Well, I did it. In a round about way.

He was meant to be coming to mine this Thursday and I just thought to myself that I can't keep doing this.

I told him how I felt, that I realised how much I cared about him but that I know he made it clear in the beginning of my pregnancy that nothing would happen with us. So I told him I can't see him for now and I just need time to get over it. 🙁

I don't expect a response. I feel like a right idiot.

I had this and I honestly think it's the hormones after having a baby made me blind to his previous behaviour and feel like I loved him. His behaviour towards me when I was vulnerable and needed support with a pregnancy both of us had created was anything but loving. In our case we got back together but he hadn't changed and I always felt like he was only with me for the kids and didn't give a shit about me (backed up by him mostly behaving like he didn't give a shit about me) our relationship limped along ticking the boxes-had another child and got married but I never felt loved or supported by him the way a partnership should add to your life. Now you can be free to meet someone who wants you. Re the telling him how you feel that was very brave and I do think in the long run it's better to say these things than wonder what if. You'll be fine. Focus on your baby for now. You can't see the future and there will come a time you are glad things turned out the way they did. There will be something better in the future.

I think I might feel a bit better for saying it. The way I wrote the message was so he didn't have to answer it, and he didn't. I'd told him that I didn't think seeing him was a good idea because of how I realised I was starting to feel and I knew that it would never happen between us. Said I needed time and apologised.

A big part of me was gutted to see that he didn't reply at all, but tbh I didn't except anything different. The worse he can be the quicker I'll get over him.

But I'm now in that stage where I'm panicking that he's never going to see our son again and it'll be all my fault.

Have you done the Freedom Programme course, op?

One of the things I found most helpful was that each week we also looked at an area of healthy relationships - what they'd look like, how we should expect to be treated, what is a realistic expectation, how do we tell the difference compared to an abusive one, etc.

Reading your posts it sounds like you would really benefit from developing a model of what healthy relationships are supposed to look like. How they should feel, what's the difference between a decent-but-imperfect person's behaviour and an abusive-but-not-a-monster person's behaviour.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I actually think it's spectacularly lacking in insight for somebody who's grown up in ideal circumstances, naturally developing an internal model of what a healthy relationship looks like to inform you that you haven't been in healthy relationships but should be, as if that observation is suddenly going to alter the fact you have no idea what you're aiming for as to what a healthy relationship should look like! It's not constructive (even if it had been phrased less horrendously).

It's a bit like someone who speaks fluent French because they grew up in a bilingual home observing that you don't speak any French and have never even heard someone speak French before, but expecting you to suddenly also speak fluent French like them just because they want you to and have made you aware you should converse in French with them. Learning doesn't work that way!

Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like is not innate knowledge any of us were born with - it is learnt. And not all of us are lucky enough for that learning to happen automatically by experience.

I'm panicking that he's never going to see our son again and it'll be all my fault.

Nope. Not having that. You haven't banned him from being a decent human being all this time, or changed your identity and moved to outer Mongolia.

He's an adult with free will and the ability to make the bad choices he's made all along. If he makes bad choices in the future the responsibility for that will rest on his shoulders.

Don't take on responsibility for other people's choices and behaviour. You can't control anyone else.

Well done for being clear to him about your feelings.

I would not write too much into it he fact that he has not replied yet. It could indicate that he is a little unsure himself.

If he rejects a relationship with you it should still not have an impact on his relationship with the child so don't fret over that aspect.

@ohwheniknow

That actually makes a lot of sense, when you said about the french language. I have never been in a healthy/normal relationship. (Apart from my eldest sons dad, but we were 17 at the time we had our son and only lasted a few years.)

I have no idea what to expect from a man, which is why I probably interpret any kind of niceness from someone and twist it into something else.

I was put on the freedom programme back in 2017. I actually dropped out because it was very triggering for me. I was brought up around domestic violence and I was sexually abused from the age of 11 by my step father at the time, although the grooming process was probably way before that I just don't remember. I found that the ladies taking the group would ask me for my experiences to the group, and although I can talk about things quite openly, it made me realise I was gaining nothing from it.

@wheretonow123 I think, if I know his patterns of behaviour well enough, that text would have been the get-out clause he needed to leg it.

I think I can almost predict how things will follow. I don't intend on contacting him at all. It'll be interesting to see if he tries to contact me about his son, or even to check how he's doing.

Why on earth do I have feelings for this man.

Eurgh.

If anything, I bet I'll hear from his mother first 🧐

OP none of the assaults on you by men were your fault.
You have done amazingly well to keep it together for this long given what you have been through.
I know more than one woman who got back with/agreed to live with unkind men after having a child. Men they had no time for before the birth.
I really believe there's some kind of bonding hormone produced when you have a baby that creates feelings for the father.
Unsurprisingly none of the women I know stayed with these men when this overwhelming urge to create a family unit wore off.
Take care of yourself, you and your children are who matter now.

I haven't kept it together well at all in the past. It all came to a head last summer when I was placed under section for a bit. I now no longer trust my judgment on anything other than my parenting. And even then I question that at times. What I've written on here about my past is probably only about half of what's happened over the years. That often makes me wonder if it's me. How can so many men do bad things to me. I guess that makes me some sort of enabler.

I think the reason I made a decision to message him last night was to cut ties in some sort of way ahead for the new year. I've never been one for new year and changes, but I can't continue down this road. It'll end up making me ill again.

Honestly I think he possibly likes the “idea” of himself as a daddy/husband but the signs point to him being the emotionally unhealthy one not you. I don’t know how you can forgive him for the way he treated you during the pregnancy and it feels like he is now potentially taking advantage of you (why can’t he stay in a hotel?) and looking to string both you and his current squeeze along while still enjoying the “good guy” feels. I wouldn’t trust a man like this. Please don’t let your hormones cloud your judgment right now. My dd (now 5) biological father flip flapped in and out for a while, enjoyed the idea of himself as a dad but then would go cold, he’s recently tried to weasel back in but I think he has serious emotional issues and in any case I couldn’t find a man who mistreated the woman carrying their child attractive.
Be strong and look forward, never back

@Pumpkinspicewhatever no, you are right. I've realised that I haven't forgiven him for how he treated me, it was more a case of I have that little respect for myself that I think that I don't deserve any better than that. He most definitely doesn't like the idea of being a dad/husband, it's becoming more evident. I still haven't heard anything from him since I sent that message. It was today he was meant to come up and see us. Not even a text to ask how his son is. But deep down, I didn't expect any different.

I don't intend on contacting him again. Each day is getting easier to not do that.

OP please don’t think that you don’t deserve better. I promise you this: being a mum is going to gradually give you back your self respect and confidence regardless of men. I’ve been in your shoes, believe me but 5 years down the line I am so proud of myself for what I achieve every day. It’s all going to be ok and you will heal and discover strength that you didn’t know you had.
Less important but also worth saying is that I now have a lovely dh who adores both me and dd and if you jsut keep moving forward, that family unit you want could still be yours- just not with this pathetic coward of a man. Keep your eyes on a great future for you and your child. Best of luck to you

Also regarding your past traumatic experiences, if you can look into some counselling or perhaps a rape survivors group I would highly recommend this to help with your healing. Talking therapy has helped me a lot.

You are not an enabler. You are a human being who deserves the same respect as any other human being. The blame for any assaults on you as a child or adult are on the people who assaulted you.
And you have held it together, your still here! Still parenting and your already recognising the behaviour of the father of your newborn hasn't been good enough.
I'm not one for sentimentality but you should be very proud of yourself.

@Ihaveamind thank you 😭 that means a lot, it really does 💕

Well that's that. I caved and messaged him. He'd said he was freaked out. He's not attracted to me in the slightest and never was. He even said he had to force himself to sleep with me.

Didn't think my self confidence could have been any lower than it a was.

I don't even know how to move forward from that.

I'm not even hurt, I just feel disgusted

Oh my god OP, I have to leave but I couldn't read and run. What a fucking cunt. How dare he speak to you like that. He's told you who he is now, a nasty bully. I'm so sorry. I hope people will be along with some practical advice for you but I wanted to extend a handhold in the meantime

I bet he's lying OP. He was attracted to you and did want to sleep with you but he's changing it because he doesn't want a relationship with you and this is easier for him than saying that.

Its not you that is broken, it's men. I promise you.