DH drinks too much. Instead of nagging and making it sound negative, what kind of things can I say or do to encourage him to cut down?

[Iwanttobealonewithmyviscount]

DH has been drinking for as long as I’ve known him, which is twenty nine years.

I didn’t mind this too much when we were younger. We both drank, though he has always drank more than me. Now we’re older, he can’t handle it, and I’m worried about his health.

He has started to look ill with it, face very blotchy, and our friends are commenting on it, or rather hinting.
I worry about when he is out with friends, as he gets that drunk and staggers through the door.

My worry is, that one night while he is out his lack of self awareness could end in tragedy or him being assaulted.

He cut right down the other week, only drank a couple so I told him the morning after that he looked really healthy for cutting down, but what else can I say or do to encourage him?

I just don’t want to sound like a nagging wife...

You want to know the magic words that will make him change?

There aren't any. All you do is :

1. tell him the truth - exactly what you've said here.
2. decide what your personal boundaries are.
3. walk away if he doesn't change.

I know you don't want to do any of that - you want the magic words that make he realise, and want to change, and decide to make the smart choice all by himself. Those words don't exist. You are right not to want to be "the nagging wife" - it's a waste of time, achieves nothing and makes you feel crap.

Why does he need to be pandered to OP? Does he normally accuse you of nagging if you make any legitimate criticism or concern?

The fact is he is risking serious health problems and looks unwell to the extent people are commenting. It isn't 'nagging' to express medical or safety concern to a partner over a legitimate noticeable issue.

I would have a short to the point chat about it, say you are concerned about the effects of drinking on his health and safety, that you would like him to take this seriously, point out that he seemed so much healthier when he took a break, and that it was universally noticeable. Invite him to see his GP about the dangers if he insinuates you are wrong ( you aren't). Communicate that you would like to have the both of you working on a healthier lifestyle going forward.

I wouldn't have said a grown man staggering around drunk is particularly appropriate and what he is doing is causing you concern- you are right that he may hurt himself or get into trouble. Why should you have to worry about this from another person? I would just tell him. If he cuts you off and says its nagging or won't entertain it then that reflects badly on him IMO and makes it seem like the problem is even bigger than it seems.

Your dh sounds similar to mine. I've asked my dh on and off for years to cut down as I worry about his health long term and he has done slightly now and then. But recently he's gone on a bit of a health kick, lost some weight and has started looking after himself more, which included cutting down on the beer.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that regardless of what I've said to him over the years he has only cut down when he decided to himself. Whether he will keep it up is anyone's guess but for now I'm encouraging him, similar to how you were. Telling him he looks great, eating healthily with him etc.

What the previous respondent wrote.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of it otherwise why have you at all stayed with him?. Do you have now adult children, what do they think of their drunk father -and you for that matter?.

You may well love this man but equally you may have confused this with codependency. You are really as caught up in his long term alcoholism as he is and you have played the usual roles associated with such spouses, those of enabler, provoker and codependent partner. Your own recovery will only properly start when you are fully away from him.

Btw did you yourself grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent also?

You cannot help him and what you have tried to date has not worked. You can only help your own self ultimately also because his primary relationship is with drink, it’s not with you and it never has been with you either. You married a drunkard and have spent a lot of your own life with him. It’s no reason to remain with him now.

I would urge you to further help yourself here by attending your local Al-anon meeting, you will meet people just like you there.

What PP said.

Nothing you say, do, don’t say, don’t do can control another person’s drinking.

I only found this out the hard way. Look after yourself and set your own boundaries.

I think after 29 years of drinking it isn’t going to be easy

It’s up to him ultimately op. He’s an adult and has to make a decision.
Doesn’t sound like a very nice existence living with a blotchy pissed fella though. It’s not all about him so fuck the ‘nagging’ care assistant role and think of yourself and your future 🌸

The 3cs re alcoholism are as follows
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I told him I’m worried about the state he is in when he gets home from a night out, though to be fair it’s not often that he goes out without me.

In other areas of our life, he’s a great dh, a really easy going person who everyone likes (including me obviously 😁) so I don’t want to leave him, because his drinking would be the only reason why I would leave.

Have you tried asking him? You could say "You know that it would mean a lot to me if you could cut down the drinking. Is there anything I can say or do to help?"

At the end of the day it's up to him though. It will be very hard for him to change after 29 years. I'm speaking as someone who has been overweight all my adult life. I'd love to lose weight but I struggle to stick to a diet for longer than a couple of weeks. It's so difficult to break those habits.

But heavy drinking/alcoholism affects every single aspect of the alcoholic's life and of the lives of those around him/her. AA meetings are full of people who are lovely, kind and easy going until they put alcohol inside them. I agree with all that PPs have said. He has to want to stop before anything will change. Is this time of year especially bad? I increase my meetings from three to four a week at this time, even after many years of sobriety.

We didn’t have any children, so we have had a life where we’ve not had much responsibility apart from going to work and paying bills.

He used to be able to handle it, but not these days. He’s not drinking more than he used to, he just gets drunk quicker.

What does he drink?
Does he drink every day?
How much does he drink?

How much Is he actually drinking?

I’ve not been nagging him. I don’t want to go down the nagging wife route.

My mum and Dad drank a lot, then seemed to stop (well, Dad did) but my Mum became secretive with it. I’m not sure about now as I’m NC with them, so yes I guess I am used to it.

Get yourself to Al-Anon. They will help you decide how to proceed

He doesn’t drink on the evenings where he goes in early the next day.
It’s normally when he is off the day after, or on a late shift the day after.
He’ll drink about five pints of cider, or beer then.

It’s the weekend that it’s more.
We are in tonight so I’m going to talk to him then.

Growing up with heavy drinking parents tends to lead either to becoming one or marrying one. I agree with the other posters, there are no magic words or approaches to make him stop. You can only look after yourself in a situation like this.

AA meetings are full of people who are lovely, kind and easy going until they put alcohol inside them

He doesn’t change in personality, he just starts slurring his words and becomes unsteady.

Talking to him won’t change his behaviour. His primary relationship is with alcohol. You can’t stop him drinking. You can only choose your response. Problem drinking is a good enough reason to separate.

You are all right, I have to look after myself.

I admit I used to drink a lot, but have cut down as I hate wasted days due to being over the limit to drive. I love being able to get about and about early, but it’s mostly the health part that keeps me going.

He doesn’t sit on his backside the day after the night before, he does things around the house or gets on with his hobby, he just doesn’t drive. Which is good obviously.

I think you just have to be honest with him op and say what you have said to us.

How old is he op?

Not uncommon

But yeah, you are married yo an alcoholic, and that can really suck

It is weird how socially accepted it is, really

As others have said, nothing you do or say will make a difference. He may start drinking secretly or start lying but he won't stop drinking

It is a powerful addiction, and to him his need/love of alcohol comes before his love of you, or his health

Sorry, there are no magic words.

All you can do is be very firm about your boundaries, and make sure he knows them

I would encourage him to make a GP appointment for a liver function check and general health check up, after that it's up to him. You can only control what YOU do.