DH drinks too much. Instead of nagging and making it sound negative, what kind of things can I say or do to encourage him to cut down?

[Iwanttobealonewithmyviscount]

DH has been drinking for as long as I’ve known him, which is twenty nine years.

I didn’t mind this too much when we were younger. We both drank, though he has always drank more than me. Now we’re older, he can’t handle it, and I’m worried about his health.

He has started to look ill with it, face very blotchy, and our friends are commenting on it, or rather hinting.
I worry about when he is out with friends, as he gets that drunk and staggers through the door.

My worry is, that one night while he is out his lack of self awareness could end in tragedy or him being assaulted.

He cut right down the other week, only drank a couple so I told him the morning after that he looked really healthy for cutting down, but what else can I say or do to encourage him?

I just don’t want to sound like a nagging wife...

He’s 51 @fuckitoff.

@MarianaMoatedGrange yes, I want him to have a liver function test, hopefully it might make him see it there in black and white, so to speak.

We are going out later for a meal, and we usually have a drink while we get ready. I’ve told him we’re to wait until we get to the restaurant before we have a drink, and he said ok, and poured himself a Vimto.

It’s a start....

viscount

re this part of your comment:-
"In other areas of our life, he’s a great dh, a really easy going person who everyone likes (including me obviously 😁) so I don’t want to leave him, because his drinking would be the only reason why I would leave".

Is he a really great DH?. No, he is not. That is you putting a gloss on things and denial is also a powerful force. His excessive drinking is more than enough reason to leave; its also what his primary relationship is with.

Your friends likely feel a mix of contempt and hate towards him whilst feeling abject pity and bemusement towards you, they probably wonder why you are at all with him now. How many times have you covered for this man over the years, how many excuses have you made and how many times have you covered up for this man?

I think you are mired in codependency and I would certainly call you a codependent partner.

viscount

re your comment:-
"My mum and Dad drank a lot, then seemed to stop (well, Dad did) but my Mum became secretive with it. I’m not sure about now as I’m NC with them, so yes I guess I am used to it".

Having now read the whole thread, I am not surprised at all to see the above re your own parents. Your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and these have stayed with you. Alcoholism is not known as the "family disease" for nothing sadly.

They both had alcohol issues and its not all that surprising that your own relationship with drink was in itself unhealthy until you decided to make a change for your own self. Alcoholism can also be learnt and you went onto marry someone like your parents; that is the model of the relationship they showed you. You are also enabling him by drinking around him and why is it you need a drink to get ready?. Ask yourself that question and be honest about the answer to your own self.

At the very least you need to stop drinking alcohol especially in front of him and making your home an alcohol free one. What you have done has not worked and doing the same in the hopes of getting a different result will not work either.

He is unlikely to ever have a liver function test and besides which the liver is not the only organ affected by long term excessive alcohol consumption. How is his short term memory these days?. Bet you its a lot worse now.

Your H is nowhere near wanting to change. You for your own self can only change how you react to him.

Why beat around the bush OP?
It is your duty as his partner to tell him truths, even if that is going to be harsh.
No idea why you seem to be tip-toe-Ing about this as it's a drastically unhealthy & unattractive trait.
I mean he obviously 'thinks' you are ok with it, which you aren't. it's time to come clean & tell him to sort himself out.

I don't really get why you need to be so polite about it.

Tell him to knock it on the head before he ends up sick.

I couldn't be arsed with it tbh.

Video him when he gets in, let him see how others view him.

This worked for my BIL. He saw himself on a wedding video and was thoroughly ashamed and much more aware of his intake afterwards.

You can tell him you love him and are concerned about his drinking. If he is regularly drinking 5 pints on a night, he’s probably on north of 30/40 units a week, maybe more. Ok, that’s not in the realms of a bottle of vodka a day, but it isn’t going to be great for his long-term health. If people are commenting, it’s affecting him now. A liver function test may give false reassurance because it’s possible to have normal liver function results with liver damage. However, he should have a health check. It’s tough watching someone harm themselves but the old cliche holds true: he’ll need to want to change in order to make changes.

Drinking like that at 51 is very likely to have a consequence on his life expectancy op.
If you have a strong and loving relationship why would he want you to face old age alone or looking after him because he has dementia from all the booze he's been consuming?

I'm studying systemic family therapy at the moment and from my work with addicts (social worker), issuing ultimatums or pleading him to stop gets you nowhere.

There are questions you can ask to try open a dialogue with him but he must come to his own conclusions about his drinking before he can even come ntemplate chamge or difference in his behaviour. You just need to listen and reflect back what he is saying.

Two types of questioning are reflexive and circular questions. I'll give you some examples:

What do you like about drinking?
What would make you think you have a problem?
What worries you about your health and alcohol abuse?
I wonder what it would look like if you get to a point where you think you need to change?
Who would you say gets you most about your drinking?
I am curious about what need you think drinking fulfils? Why does it work for you? What does it help with?
Who do you think is most impacted by your drinking?

Hope those help as a starting point. There will be reasons and needs that are being fulfilled by alcohol for him.

*contemplate change

Sorry!

liver function tests are not really sensitive to deciding if he is drinking too much, estimate the number of units is better.

We didn’t have any children, so we have had a life where we’ve not had much responsibility apart from going to work and paying bills.

So have you plans for when you only have one salary coming in and are you happy to be his carer when (not if) his mental and physical health either deteriorates slowly or suddenly (accident/stroke/alcohol related cancer).

If not move on now - don’t sleep walk into it with your fingers crossed. V difficult morally or logistically to leave someone if this happens.

Look after yourself.

Has he been to see a Dr in recent times? At that level of drinking his health is likely to be impacted and a possible sign is that he is no longee tolerating alcohol as well.

This may sound very dramatic and upsetting but are your finances set up so you could manage solo?

Alcohol is a powerful drug and for many people giving up is too difficult without professional help.