Is DP to be believed?

[Silverbeet]

Looking for some advice … what do you make of this situation?

I have explained to DP why I think they are having an affair, emotional or otherwise. Perhaps I jumped the gun, but I felt the time was right, and I travel a lot for work so opportunities to raise the matter were limited. DP says they are not, that they have, and are allowed to have, friends of the opposite sex, I am told there is no physical element to the one friendship of real concern to me (see emails below). Some days I believe this, other days I have my doubts. We have two teenaged children and have been together for over 20 years.

I noticed DP was WhatsApp’ing all the time, late at night, on way to work and home, at work, in the weekend, late evenings, early mornings. When I asked what they thought they were doing I was told that it was with their friends, and when pressed, said they are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. I agreed, but not if they were texting them at all hours of the day and night.

When I enter the room, they turn the phone screen away from me, move the phone away from me, never wants to back up to our family computers, keeps their bag away from me when their phone is in it, and when I asked DP if they would give me their phone, I received an emphatic ‘No’. I said you can look at my phone anytime you want, for I have nothing to hide. No reaction.

This is not all, courtesy of our online phone bill I discovered DP was texting and/or calling some unknown numbers. One of the numbers has been texted at random hours of the day. All innocent I am told, and from what I know it would appear so, but I’m not totally convinced. The other number there has been a long conversation. When asked, this was apparently a work-related conversation. I have subsequently found out that the number belongs to the very same person inappropriate emails have been sent to and received from. Thanks to key logging software on our family computers. I have been accused of spying, happy to accept that for I said you weren’t telling me what was going on, how else was I to find out? I do want to save our marriage, but am prepared for bad news.

Extracts from the email exchange, from the other person, ‘if you want to quiet things down’, ‘if you have any doubts’ and lots of ‘I’m concerned about where things are headed’, and ending with ‘I’m here waiting for you’. Responses from DP include ‘I’d love to see you’, ‘I’m aware I’ve been different lately’. Then there’s the salutation from other person on one of the emails, ‘Beautiful …’. DP now agrees that perhaps the emails got out of hand. Their responses were nowhere near as demonstrative as those of the other person. Nothing overtly sexual appears in the emails I have found. I have no idea when this relationship developed to where it is now. I have asked that DP stop interacting with the other person. They have said they will, but, I no longer trust them to do so.

Other classic signs of infidelity have been noted – more exercise, sleeping in separate rooms, no sex, distant, not wanting physical contact, not telling me where they are going. I should say things have not been great between us for some time, the last couple of years or more, and I’m not always the easiest to get along with. DP has a number of reasons to be annoyed with me, but one thing I have never done in our time together is have a physical or emotional relationship with someone else.

Of course, all the above could be completely innocent. But I’m not so sure. All I’m looking for from DP is the truth. Get that and move on to wherever is appropriate, together or apart.

I am very sorry that you feel like this op, but I have a few pieces of advice you can either take or ignore.

1. If a person is a liar, there is no point expecting the truth from them.

1. You cannot force someone to remain faithful. Trying to control or monitor others simply doesn’t work, if they want to engage with other people.

1. Your relationship sounds very lonely and very unhappy. You don’t need a reason of ‘cheating’ to leave if you aren’t happy.

This is a very emotional time of year and Christmas can make people ‘stay for the kids’ or set their own happiness aside. The good thing is that Christmas is followed by New Year, which is perfect for new beginnings.

Good luck op.

‘I’m concerned about where things are headed’,

That bit makes it clear something is happening/developing that is inappropriate.

As the PP said, it seems like you feel unappreciated in your marriage- like your DP isn't showing affection etc. You deserve better than that- he has to either change his ways in a lot of respects, or it's time to cut your losses.

Thanks to key logging software on our family computers. I have been accused of spying

You sound hideously controlling and I hope your partner is able to safely escape you.

It’s doesnt matter what we make of the situation. What do you think of the marriage. Does it make you even remotely happy on any basis at any time? Do you trust your DP? Evidently not at all.

As the pp said you don’t have to find evidence that meets their criteria for cheating. It’s your boundary that is the issue. Have they gone too far in your opinion with this person?. If so, then you can act on what you believe. There isnt an arbitrator or jury that gets to question you. They don’t either.

Snooping isn’t my cup of tea but I accept that people will do it to find a truth as a one off. This isn’t a one off for you, it’s your life. Snooping to find a smoking gun when you don’t know what that smoking gun looks like or even if it exists. Chances are you will never find it and you will destroy you mental health in the meantime looking for it.

In my honest opinion you know the truth about them. You are really looking for a reason not to split up. The only reason would be that you don’t care about their “affair / not an affair”. You do care and so you won’t find the reason to stay and you won’t find evidence of the affair.

I don’t know you but it sounds like you are at the end of this marriage. It’s over bar the mess you both can make of it by not accepting that truth.

Putting spyware on the PC was really inappropriate and controlling.

Do you know the other person they are texting?

I think you have to have a conversation with your partner about trust and happiness in the relationship and if there is enough to fight for. You haven't, despite spyware, found hard evidence of an affair but clearly the relationship is not in a good place.

It does look as though the marriage has run its course for both of you and you both need to move on and divorce.

You don't trust him and he certainly deserves that loss of trust. Saying that you can be difficult to live with at times (paraphrasing) but have never cheated, isn't good enough I'm afraid. Difficult behaviour is difficult behaviour, and can destroy a marriage just as much as cheating

@yellowallpaper there's no indication that the OP's partner is a him.

Key logging spyware. You are literally a psycho

It sounds like your marriage is over, regardless of whether your husband is cheating on you. All the snooping, sleeping in separate beds, no quality time together, doesn't bode well.

It sounds like this relationship has run its course. There is no point sticking around waiting till your DP tells you ‘the truth’.

If you feel like you have enough evidence to satisfy your own mind that your DP is having an affair or has checked out of the relationship then decide for yourself whether you want to stay or break up.

I don’t see what can be gained from proceeding down the path you are on.

@FestiveFavourites husband?

I wouldn’t stay with someone who put spyware in my house. So your DP should leave you for that. And you should leave because clearly boundaries were crossed, and that’s something you won’t accept.

For gods sake don’t torture each other anymore. And in this day and age there’s not a lot you can do about infidelity. You can’t punish someone. It’s not illegal. All you can do is leave with whatever dignity you have left after the spyware incident.

Why the effort to use “they” throughout? It just draws attention to it....

So what makes you 'not the easiest of partners'?

Apart from installing keylogging software on the computers, demanding that she gives you access to her phone, reading her emails, interpreting not wanting to sleep with somebody who monitors her private communications, getting exercise, not giving you a complete itinerary of her day as evidence of infidelity, ordering her to not have contact with somebody, quizzing her repeatedly and then spying on her, obviously.

My DH and I have never ever looked at each other’s phones, phone bills, email, credit card bills, bank statements. Not once. We respect the others right to privacy and trust each other.
If my DH were doing what you are doing, I would feel that he has trust issues, is insanely jealous of any friendships I have and the constant snooping followed by interrogation about calls/emails would make me feel like a victim of controlling abuse.

Just get rid of her and move on. You're wasting your time with someone who doesn't deserve it. Make sure you save all those messages and as a Christmas present you can print them and wrap them nicely(and write down at the end:it's Over)and see how her reaction will be.(that's what I would do by playing their sick game)
You need to talk to a solicitor ASAP.
Do not pity her or show any sympathy (she'll use it against you). I'm actually sorry you have to go through this especially around this time of the year.
OP be strong,you can do this and learn to love and respect yourself more. She destroyed the relationship not you!
I find it normal to start spying on her the moment you sensed something is wrong(we all end up doing it in that situation because we're looking for the truth).
Good luck OP!

OP I know it doesn’t really matter but are you a guy? Something about the way you write makes me think you might be.

Anyway I think you either had a gut feeling/reason to snoop but the spyware is a step too far and I wonder if your concerns have spilled over into paranoia, which can destroy relationships.

I’ve no idea how you would do this but I’d try to step back and take a different approach if possible, you don’t sound well.

Jesus. I feel for your wife.

I really feel for her, I think you sound controlling and your constant checking up on her is pushing her away.

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain

Husband/wife/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other - the message is the same. This isn't a relationship that is going anywhere. The lack of trust and the lack of any kind of intimacy spells out that it's dead in the water.

Sooo careful to remove any reference to gender. A man looking for an unbiased view I expect. It sounds like an EA. Up to you what this means for you going forward, but I am sorry you are in this position.

I think it's pretty much over mate, I'm sorry. Do you have children with her? If so I'd try to get through Xmas before calling time. If you don't then I'd probably call family and say the marriage is breaking up and can you come over on Xmas day, and tell her to get her shit packed while you're away.

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain

Completely irrelevant what gender the OP and the partner is. The advice is still the same.

The reason I tend to assume it's a woman posting about a man is because this is Mumsnet, and most 'mums' are partnered with a man.

@yellowallpaper give the op the respect though of not assuming her/his gender though and give the advice.

If you're at the point of installing keylogging software on your partner's devices, your relationship is already fubar.

It's done.