Is DP to be believed?

[Silverbeet]

Looking for some advice … what do you make of this situation?

I have explained to DP why I think they are having an affair, emotional or otherwise. Perhaps I jumped the gun, but I felt the time was right, and I travel a lot for work so opportunities to raise the matter were limited. DP says they are not, that they have, and are allowed to have, friends of the opposite sex, I am told there is no physical element to the one friendship of real concern to me (see emails below). Some days I believe this, other days I have my doubts. We have two teenaged children and have been together for over 20 years.

I noticed DP was WhatsApp’ing all the time, late at night, on way to work and home, at work, in the weekend, late evenings, early mornings. When I asked what they thought they were doing I was told that it was with their friends, and when pressed, said they are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. I agreed, but not if they were texting them at all hours of the day and night.

When I enter the room, they turn the phone screen away from me, move the phone away from me, never wants to back up to our family computers, keeps their bag away from me when their phone is in it, and when I asked DP if they would give me their phone, I received an emphatic ‘No’. I said you can look at my phone anytime you want, for I have nothing to hide. No reaction.

This is not all, courtesy of our online phone bill I discovered DP was texting and/or calling some unknown numbers. One of the numbers has been texted at random hours of the day. All innocent I am told, and from what I know it would appear so, but I’m not totally convinced. The other number there has been a long conversation. When asked, this was apparently a work-related conversation. I have subsequently found out that the number belongs to the very same person inappropriate emails have been sent to and received from. Thanks to key logging software on our family computers. I have been accused of spying, happy to accept that for I said you weren’t telling me what was going on, how else was I to find out? I do want to save our marriage, but am prepared for bad news.

Extracts from the email exchange, from the other person, ‘if you want to quiet things down’, ‘if you have any doubts’ and lots of ‘I’m concerned about where things are headed’, and ending with ‘I’m here waiting for you’. Responses from DP include ‘I’d love to see you’, ‘I’m aware I’ve been different lately’. Then there’s the salutation from other person on one of the emails, ‘Beautiful …’. DP now agrees that perhaps the emails got out of hand. Their responses were nowhere near as demonstrative as those of the other person. Nothing overtly sexual appears in the emails I have found. I have no idea when this relationship developed to where it is now. I have asked that DP stop interacting with the other person. They have said they will, but, I no longer trust them to do so.

Other classic signs of infidelity have been noted – more exercise, sleeping in separate rooms, no sex, distant, not wanting physical contact, not telling me where they are going. I should say things have not been great between us for some time, the last couple of years or more, and I’m not always the easiest to get along with. DP has a number of reasons to be annoyed with me, but one thing I have never done in our time together is have a physical or emotional relationship with someone else.

Of course, all the above could be completely innocent. But I’m not so sure. All I’m looking for from DP is the truth. Get that and move on to wherever is appropriate, together or apart.

Sooo careful to remove any reference to gender.

Careful but not that careful. I've never called a man 'beautiful' when speaking to them and I don't know a single man who keeps his phone in a bag, so while I may be wrong, it sounds a lot like OP's DP is a woman. I think the manner of writing sounds more like a man than a woman checking up on her wife (salutation isn't a go-to word for women on MN...). Either way, the outcome is the same.

I think the OP knows that key logging software and thinking the level of spying on a partner is ok because they were forced to is a huge red flag, and so they posted as gender-neutrally as they could. However, if a woman posted that she suspected an affair and had used key logging software to access email content after her request to check her DH's phone had been refused, then she'd get told she was controlling and the relationship was over too.

I think OP thought they'd be flamed regardless because they're a man, when in fact it's because they're controlling and suspicious and sneaky.

Thanks to key logging software on our family computers. I have been accused of spying

That's because you have been spying.

No trust or transparency on either side. You say they are lying, they say they are spying on them (which you are).

That's why regardless of either partner's gender, this relationship is beyond repair.

It's over.

The relationship is over. Keylogging on the computer? Texting/calling a male friend at all hours, no transparency, you not being "the easiest" to get along with. The whole thing is a ridiculous shitshow on both sides. Put a stop to the nonsense and just split up already before everything gets even worse. There's no coming back to happiness and trust from this point, you're just wasting both your time and making each other miserable. Call time and end it.

Trust your instincts is all I can say OP.. always trust your instincts..

Do you constantly use 'they' instead of he or she because you are a man and your DP is a woman and you feel the advice would be biased if that was known?

It wouldn't.

. I said you can look at my phone anytime you want, for I have nothing to hide

I'm not saying this is the case with you OP but this would really prove nothing. People can have two or more phones these days.