On the cusp of an affair

[AugustFalls]

First the background: I posted about a month ago after my DP slapped me on round the face and I called the police. I didn’t come back to the thread the next day as I ended up feeling a bit overwhelmed and like I was letting everyone down if I didn’t leave.

DP and I talked and agreed we would ‘make it work’, but actually the conversation ended up pointing out all the ways I needed to change and how he was struggling to get past me calling the police. I didn’t really click until a few days down the line. He eventually apologised a week later and has since been love bombing me. I’ve completely checked out of the relationship. I want to leave but due to financial circumstances I can’t just yet.

On a separate note, I’ve had a crush on a colleague since summer. Nothing happened, though over the past month or so I’ve noticed him flirting with me. Since the incident with DP, I’ve started flirting back. I figured some flirting back (Teasing, etc). He asked about my relationship last week and I told him I’m unhappy (he doesn’t know details) and want to leave DP when I’m in a position to do so.

Move forward to today - we ended up kissing. Just a light ‘first kiss’ thing, but definitely not how I would kiss a friend. I won’t see him now (and have no contact with him) until I return after Xmas holidays. We didn’t talk about how we feel or if this was something more, so I think I need to take this time over the holidays to decide what this means to me.

What the fuck am I doing? I feel like I’m justifying myself but I actually don’t feel a shred of guilt about it at the moment. I just have the lightheaded rush and excitement I’ve not felt about DP for years.
I really do want to kick him out but finances are awful and we have DS to support.

I don’t know what I’m asking. Am I being awful? What should I be doing? I don’t know.

I should probably clarify that this colleague I only see intermittently, so he didn’t know whether I was with my DS’ father or not (and we hadn’t been particularly close really). It’s the first time he’s asked the question.

You definitely need to leave him but be careful and don’t mention the kiss

Making a mess is what you’re doing.

Leave your partner then do what you like. There is no excuse for an affair.

I would leave and not have an affair. Wait until you have left before doing so. You say that you are staying with your partner for now for financial circumstances. If your crush is genuinely interested in you he will wait until you can leave. It seems that you are using the crush as a distraction when you will be much safer to leave then move on.

What SuperbMonkey says.
The crush is a distraction - someone being 'nice' to you is very appealing.
Please leave your partner - he sounds awful - and don't have an affair because you could make things so much worse for yourself.

Sort out the logistics of getting you partner out of your life. Sort out finances, living arrangements etc

Then sort your head out, give yourself time

Then, only then think about a new relationship

You’re doing this because of your home life. I don’t mean that offensively or anything I’ve done the same thing. He had an affair and I just checked the fuck out. My parents and everyone were telling me I needed to stay and make it work for our son but it just ended in me straying when someone paid me attention. I didn’t do anything sexual and when I finally left my partner I slept with the guy and realised it was shit and there was just nothing between us and it ended. I know it’s probably the most excitement you’ve had in a while but it’s really not worth it, I promise you. I just felt way worse.

You need to finish with one before starting with another. Ideally you should give yourself a fair amount of time to do the ‘head’ work associated with the breakup of a relationship before starting another.

I know you are all right, and it helps to hear it. My head is all over the place at the moment and I’m struggling to figure everything out.

At the very least, I want to get through Xmas with all the friends and family engagements but I’m also dreading putting up a front this year when my heart isn’t in it at all. And now I have this added confusion over this almost-affair and those excited feelings and I just need a good talking to I think.

I left a really unhealthy relationship in September and know I am distracting myself with crushes instead of dealing with all my emotional baggage. I know how easy it is to do, and kissing must make it feel even stronger. You sound really self aware and like you know what you’re doing. Enjoy the fantasy, but make sure it doesn’t distract you from doing what you need to do and leave an abusive relationship x

Instead of being distracted by this other man, I think you need to concentrate on making a plan to leave. Work our what you can do with your finances. How you can compromise and live on your income , move out or whatever it is you need to do to separate.

You are a mess emotionally at the moment. You need to move out and spend some time healing on your own before you move onto someone else.

Being slapped round the face is plenty of excuse for an affair tbh, the latter is small fry.

But yes,leave him. Carefully. Colleague is neither here nor there.

I will be honest, I don’t want to be talked out of this right now. I so want someone to tell me to go for it, have an affair, it will be amazing and all the piece will just fall in to place.

But that’s why I posted because I kind of need people to bring me back to reality so I can get my head around it before I’m back at work.

How do I have the conversation with my DP that it’s over? I honestly don’t think he will physically hurt me, but I think he will be angry and make my life difficult.

I am so scared about finances. We have a house that I could just afford by myself, but he will want his ‘share’ which is only a few thousand (we only bought a couple of years ago) with a low deposit and I can’t buy him out.

It all really is a mess. I’m struggling with two issues - practicalities of leaving a relationship and the emotions of a potential new relationship and finding it hard to manage it all.

You do need to leave your relationship and you need to be single whilst you work through your stuff.

Don’t complicate things by introducing a third person into the mix.

You don't just "end up kissing." . It is clearly what you want. You are awful. You are doing something awful and childish. If you want out, go but don't use the slap as an excuse to fuck over someone else.

You shouldn't even be thinking of shagging someone else while still with your son's dad. Gods sake. Grow up. That enough reality for you .

OP, you are not awful. You're in a pretty shitty situation but you're not an awful person. Rarely are these situations ever as black and white as some people think they are.

Your DH slapped you. You owe him nothing. But if he has been violent, I would worry about his reaction if he ever found out about this situation with this other guy.

Don't start thinking this man at work is throwing you a lifeline and is offering you an easy way out of your shit marriage. He senses your vulnerability, he's probably totally aware you have a crush on him, and he's lining you up for a shag or two in the new year. Don't go there, your self-esteem will be in your boots after he decides he's not interested in pursuing anything long-term, and you still have to deal with ending your marriage.

Get Christmas over and done with, then get legal advice on how to move forward with separation and divorce.

Forget the man at work, he's not the answer.

If you have an affair it will give your dp the opportunity to play the victim and it sounds like he is anything but this.
Use the Christmas break to focus on your ds and come up with a plan to get yourself out of your current situation safely.
As other posters have said if this other guy is genuine he'll still be interested in months to come.

SunshineCake Absolutely I decided to kiss him. It was a two-way back and forth flirtatious discussion before it happened that I was equally involved in. I’m not pretending it was anything other.
However I’m am surprised at your ‘don’t use your slap as an excuse to fuck over someone else [DP?]’
To be perfectly honest, I don’t think I owe DP shit right now. He wasn’t concerned when he hit me (not the first time), why the fuck should I be concerned about fucking him over?

As for other man - he asked me last week quite honestly ‘if DP changed, did more, seriously considered making things different, would I be happy’ - I told him quiet honestly no - there’s nothing there anymore.
I get that it’s particular timing but I’m not convinced it’s sinister on his behalf. I’m thinking he may have been flirting with me long before but I just didn’t notice until I suddenly became openly receptive to it.

But I do think you are right. Have the conversation and make the break first before finding out if there’s anything more with the colleague.

I’m just not sure how to do it. I’ve been with DP since my late teens (now in 30s). I’ve never cheated (though suspect he may have done so in the early years. He’s my own real long term relationship and I’ve spent my whole adult years with him. It’s a scary prospect doing it alone - especially with a young DS.

quite honestly*

You're looking to OM to save you OP. Get out of your relationship first, you have to save yourself.

I think you need to end your relationship first.
Does the OM at work have a partner or DC?
Are they also in their 30's? Do you think they would want the same? It doesn't sound like you've had much contact with this OM..

You haven’t made a brilliant job of choosing someone in the first place so for the love of god don’t do it again.

I hope that didn’t sound too unkind. It’s like watching the first five minutes of ‘casualty’ where you see the build up to a disaster. The last thing you need is complications at work.

I wasn't talking about you fucking over your p. I meant the OM partner.

I have to say you have been very gracious as my post was pretty harsh.

I wish you well.