On the cusp of an affair

[AugustFalls]

First the background: I posted about a month ago after my DP slapped me on round the face and I called the police. I didn’t come back to the thread the next day as I ended up feeling a bit overwhelmed and like I was letting everyone down if I didn’t leave.

DP and I talked and agreed we would ‘make it work’, but actually the conversation ended up pointing out all the ways I needed to change and how he was struggling to get past me calling the police. I didn’t really click until a few days down the line. He eventually apologised a week later and has since been love bombing me. I’ve completely checked out of the relationship. I want to leave but due to financial circumstances I can’t just yet.

On a separate note, I’ve had a crush on a colleague since summer. Nothing happened, though over the past month or so I’ve noticed him flirting with me. Since the incident with DP, I’ve started flirting back. I figured some flirting back (Teasing, etc). He asked about my relationship last week and I told him I’m unhappy (he doesn’t know details) and want to leave DP when I’m in a position to do so.

Move forward to today - we ended up kissing. Just a light ‘first kiss’ thing, but definitely not how I would kiss a friend. I won’t see him now (and have no contact with him) until I return after Xmas holidays. We didn’t talk about how we feel or if this was something more, so I think I need to take this time over the holidays to decide what this means to me.

What the fuck am I doing? I feel like I’m justifying myself but I actually don’t feel a shred of guilt about it at the moment. I just have the lightheaded rush and excitement I’ve not felt about DP for years.
I really do want to kick him out but finances are awful and we have DS to support.

I don’t know what I’m asking. Am I being awful? What should I be doing? I don’t know.

Op you don't have a new relationship, you have a fantasy that you'd prefer to concentrate on rather than your real life.

Op you're just going to make things a hundred times more messy and worse for yourself. Leave this man. Thats what you need to focus on before even thinking about getting involved with someone else, especially considering the fact you have a child to think about.

Thank you for all of your advice last night. I spoke with DP and told him that it is over for me. He seemed to take it okay and slept in the spare room. But we have Xmas to get through now and I think I’m going to find it hard to remain firm about it because I just felt really sad about it. I still think it is the right choice though.

I don’t feel I have the emotional space to think about OM at the moment, so will unpack that when I’m back at work as there is nothing I can do about it for now anyway.

That's good you told your partner.
But you haven't answered about the OM... if he has a DP or DC? It seems a bit like a fantasy sorry OP

I didn’t realise I needed to explain about OM, but yes he is single. I wouldn’t be seriously considering him if he wasn’t. He does have a DC though.

But I will figure that one out in Jan. I don’t think there’s a need to agonise about that at the moment.

Well in order to give better advice and for people not to assume that imo should be mentioned.
There were a few posts asking about if he has a DP. Some even assumed he did.
Your attitude is a bit stinky though

Ignore the victim blaming, op. You aren't making sensible decisions, that's true, but there are very serious reasons for it.
Be careful. This time of year is stressful anyway, and he has proven himself to be violent. This is a dangerous time for you. Ensure he doesn't know about your MN account, for a start. And definitely not the OM. Speak to women's aid or some other local DV charity for advice.

I would also strongly advise you to stay away from men until you can recognise abusive patterns of behaviour, because a good, decent man wouldn't necessarily be interested in an already attached woman in an unhappy relationship.

For your own safety, you have to get free first.

Don't have an affair, don't start seeing/sleeping/kissing somebody else for the time being - you don't owe him shit, but if he found out, can you imagine what he would do to you?

I did crushes and EAs for years before leaving abusive XH. Totally understand how you've got to this. Get out of there and let the slap and your kiss be your catalysts (don't tell your P about the kiss). You can do this OP, and you can do it right now if you want.

Leave your partner then. You want to be sneaky and cowardly and have an affair so you can still scrounge off your partner's finances and keep your house?

Have some self respect.

I am very harsh on infidelity but I really don’t see the issue here. Your relationship is clearly over and your partner is enough of an arsehole not to deserve to know. Do what you want just stay safe.

Yep so much moralising on here about affairs and getting heads straight .

What if OP is an actual adult that can make decisions? Or does the mere act of posting on MN looking for advice signal to the moralists that's the OP cannot possibly know what's what?

PixieDustt I missed your original post asking about whether OM has a DP, but other than that I don’t think anyone else asked. So to answer - no definitely not to DP, and he is older than me.

To be honest, DP has taken it well. We slept in separate beds and will remain so. I am a bit worried he’s not really got his head around the situation though as everything feels run of mill normal at the moment.

Your colleague doesn’t sound very nice. He’s taking advantage of you when you’re vulnerable. Some men prey on women in such situations, think they can have a bit of fun without the hassle of a relationship.

And I am ignoring some of the posts about ‘getting self respect’. I kissed someone else, asked for advice on MN and ended my relationship in the same day. It’s not like I’ve been sneaking around for weeks sleeping with OM.

I think in all honesty I knew exactly what I needed to do after that kiss but I wanted to use MN to talk it through. I don’t know what I want to do about OM but I’m also not going to try and figure that out right now.

When you realise your marriage is over - for whatever reason - it's always comforting to think that there will be happiness with someone else in the future. Whether it's with this man at work, or someone completely different, you know in your heart that you aren't going to live the rest of your life alone and lonely. You are doing the right thing in not agonising about OM but concentrating on ending your marriage once Christmas is out of the way. Wishing you well

Christmas is one of the times where domestic violence peaks. Be very, very careful over the next couple of weeks, especially since you've told him that being nice isn't working.

Have your phone charged with keys, bank card and ID in your pocket at all times. Change all your passwords and log out on all devices, clear your browser history. Don't leave anything out where he could find/go in search of incriminating evidence. Listening to the radio in the bath means you have a reason to take your phone with you. And lock the door.

Is there any way to make sure he can't get into the bedroom as you sleep?

Sometimes I think you need to be reminded that other men might find you attractive before you have the courage and confidence to end a failing relationship. Don't beat yourself up about the kiss. It gave you the kick up the arse to tell your DP that it is over.

Now focus on getting through Christmas for your DC and having as much fun as you can, but make sure you stay safe with DP and don't be afraid to call the police again if you should need to. Best of luck to you. This time next year life will be very different for you and hopefully a lot happier.

I think this is what they call an exit affair. I think it is when you are in a bad relationship but are stuck and for some reason (psychological) you struggle to do what you need and want to do. I think the kiss is you forcing yourself to do it. Agree with others it could get messy and really you should focus on yourself and finding a way to finish what you started. Itbis probably about your confidence too needing a boost. Good luck.