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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is pushing abusive?

42 replies

Purplerose6 · 20/12/2019 17:49

My partner and I were arguing and he got really angry. He told me to f**k off and I said no. So he pushed me and kept pushing/shoving me until he manhandled me out the living room doorway and slammed the door on me. I wasn't physically hurt apart from when he pushed my chest but it really upset me and scared me. He apologised but said I'm overreacting as if he had beaten me and I'm playing the victim.

Would you consider this abusive behaviour or am I overreacting? Would you leave the father/mother of your child for this?

OP posts:

isabellerossignol · 20/12/2019 17:51

Yes it's abusive. And yes, in theory I would want to leave. But I know that's easy to say as an outsider.

isabellerossignol · 20/12/2019 17:52

But it will almost certainly be the beginning of an escalating pattern of increasingly more aggressive behaviour and each time you'll be told you are overreacting

Babynumber2dueNov · 20/12/2019 17:54

We’ve had a very hard time over the past 2 years but I’ve always said to myself that anything physical, at all, and that would be it. That’s a personal thing but I’m pretty sure it’s a universal line. I’m sorry that’s probably not what you want to hear and must be scary and sad to face. Thinking of you x

SuperbMonkey · 20/12/2019 17:54

If the apology had been genuine, without blaming you for overreacting and being the victim, it might have been a one off. However blaming the person you have manhandled and hurt is a rd flag for me.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/12/2019 17:59

Yes it is abusive, and yes I would leave. I left the father of my child for far less than that.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 20/12/2019 18:01

You are not overreacting. He's trying to minimise his actions and he doesn't sound sorry at all. If a man touched me like that, he'd be gone.

Jeezoh · 20/12/2019 18:02

Yes I’d consider it’s abusive and yes I’d start making plans to split up. He’s crossed a line and is minimising what he did. He used his physical strength to make you do what he wanted (ie leave the room)

DramaAlpaca · 20/12/2019 18:05

Yes it's abusive and yes I'd leave.

OlivejuiceU2 · 20/12/2019 18:05

Yes of course this abusive... jeez! My DP has never called me a nasty name or raised his voice to me never mind put his hands on me. It will get worse OP, I was raised in abusive relationships, this is just the start. He’s not sorrry either which makes it worse.

Panicovereveryone · 20/12/2019 18:08

Why would you put your hands on another person except in love? He should have removed himself. Beware.

LuluBellaBlue · 20/12/2019 18:10

Yes I finished with a partner of 4 months for something similar - well the opposite actually.
I was trying to leave the room during an argument but he pinned me to the wall and then pushed me down onto the bed to stop me leaving.
That was it for me.

Mary1935 · 20/12/2019 18:11

Yes it is abusive - if a stranger did that to you on the street what would you do?
He’s minimising this and it will escalate.
I’m sorry as I know how it feels.
The first time my ex hit me on the head with his knuckles - I was in shock - it was never discussed - he carried on - he was sorry, sorry, and sorry again - he assaulted me around 10 times, not beatings but pushing, grabbing, thumping and slapping. All physical assaults.
I eventually reported him to the police.
You do need to separate from him.
IT IS NOT YOU.
No one has the right to hit us, push or shove us.
Do you have children?

Ohyesiam · 20/12/2019 18:14

It’s not the act of a respectful person is it? Askyourself ( and your partner) if you’re daughter/ good friend said this has happened to them, how would you feel?

PurpleFrames · 20/12/2019 18:16

This is how it starts OP. It's exactly how it started for me. I'm really sorry. Please walk away and save yourself the heartache.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2019 18:19

I wasn't physically hurt apart from when he pushed my chest

Interesting you minimised like that. What you could have said is 'I was hurt when he pushed my chest'.

Ohyesiam · 20/12/2019 18:19

Oh and would I leave him for it? I think of have to take my children and go , at least to gather myself and see what was what when the initial shock has settled.
It would also illustrate to him how seriously you are taking this. Not in a “ I'm gonna show him” way, but to let his actions sink in. Because if it’s ok to push you, why isn’t it ok to hit you? Either he respects your physicality or he doesn’t.

This is a shit time for this to happen

Standinguptononsense · 20/12/2019 18:23

Hes testing the boundaries so see how far he can push you. You allow this and it will get worse. Protect yourself and your child.

Lozzerbmc · 20/12/2019 19:27

Read your post imagining it was written by your beloved friend or daughter... of course, it is abusive...

JontyDoggle37 · 20/12/2019 19:29

My standard rule on MN now is ... ‘if you have to ask, yes it is’. I don’t mean to diminish your question or suggest you shouldn’t have asked it, this is more an overall observation that if you have to ask if something is abuse, or if it’s not ok, then you are 99% likely to be right. I hope you can get out OP.

powershowerforanhour · 20/12/2019 19:35

Yes.
Another question to ask is: how would you, and he, feel if he had happened to do this somewhere there was CCTV and all your and his and your friends and relatives and a random sample of the population who didn't know you saw it. How would they view the behaviour, and him?

Thelnebriati · 20/12/2019 19:47

Yes its abusive, then he tries to turn it around and say you are overreacting when you complain.

DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender.
dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

PurpleDaisies · 20/12/2019 19:52

You are not overreacting. He pushed you and he hurt your chest.

LemonPrism · 20/12/2019 20:12

He used his size to have power over you. He probably liked it too.

ChristmassySpice · 20/12/2019 20:17

Majorly abusive.
Nobody has ever pushed me physically in my life. I'd end the relationship instantly.

MammaMistletoe · 20/12/2019 20:19

Yes, that's abusive.

And it can and will escalate to full blown physical abuse in the months and or years to come. It always does!

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