Is love enough?

[LemonCakeCat]

I have been in a relationship for 6+ years with my bf. We don't live together, I have 2 teenagers but would have happily had him move in years ago- he gets on really well with the kids and they see him as a father figure.
I'm beginning to feel really unhappy in the relationship- but I am not really sure why or how to articulate it.
He works nights so this has quite an effect on the relationship- I have always been really supportive of this. He comes over for dinner in the evenings and then goes off to work. It effects his moods, he gets quite grumpy. He earns really good money doing nights and so he doesn't want to give this up by moving on to days.
He doesn't sleep well on the weekends so the 1 night of the week we have the chance to sleep in a bed together usually ends up with him on the sofa watching TV. The rest of the time he stays at his house.

Sometimes it feels like he has a DIY family at the ready when he wants to be a family man and a bachelor pad when he wants to be a single guy.
I think a lot of my problems fall on feeling resentful - I work full time and also run a business from home which can be quite time consuming. On top of that I have to run the house, deal with all the kid stuff, and all the other hurdles life throws at you. My kids don't see their own dad and he doesn't pay a penny for them ( The CSA have been useless in helping with that but I have persisted in chasing it for the principle of it)
I don't have much of a social life and most of my friends have got bored of me never having time/money/a babysitter so don't bother with me anymore.
I am shattered.....this has gone beyond physical tiredness now. My head is so full of things that need to be done. I've a list of chores as long as my arm that I have no idea when I will manage to get done. My health is dreadful, I have put on a ridiculous amount of weight in the time we have been together and now the cracks are beginning to show. My body is f**ked. My mental health isn't too great either.
I really could use his help more- he refers to the kids as his/ours when we talk about them and he genuinely loves them but a lot of the time I get the feeling he thinks "they're your kids, your problem"
Sometimes when I ask for help he rolls his eyes or he'll say yes but clearly is put out. It just makes me wish I hadn't asked for his help then. I feel frustrated that after 6 years I am still struggling away on my own and think perhaps we both need to re-evaluate what we want from this relationship. I am thinking of getting Christmas out of the way and then telling him that I want a break for a few weeks. Equally I don't want that to spark a knee jerk reaction of him suddenly wanting to move in/get married. If that stuff happens one day I want it to happen because he wants it, not because he thinks he has to- equally it might never happen.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense. my brain is so full of stuff and I don't feel like people in real life give balanced advice. Everyone seems to judge me and then use it against me at a later date.

Just wanted a bit of advice if anyone could help.

anyone?

On the face of it, it doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

And if he did suggest moving in as a response to you cooling things, you're not obliged to agree. Especially when you can see it's not sincere.

I think you should focus on you for a bit. He clearly doesn't. So it's time you put you first.
Clear your head, think about what You want. Do you want him to move In?
Do you want a marriage?
If yes tell him. And see what he wants. He's not a mind reader and he might think this is what you want because of the kids?

You've titled this "is love enough" but there isn't very much love in what you write. You're not enjoying it much; you see him - what, one day a week? other than providing meals; you don't appear to have much opportunity for sex; you admit you feel resentful of his less-careworn existence; he's not good company when he is around.

I get the distinct impression that you want (need) to have some time without having to think about what he wants and needs. (Ideally without having to think about your teenagers' wants and needs either, but that's obviously not feasible.) I also get the impression that you feel you need a Reason to split up and that to do so would be mean. You're subconsciously hoping that Mumsnet will give you permission to do it.

OK. I will. Tell him the relationship isn't making you feel good and you need some time to sort out the shit that's going on in other areas of your life.

If he does respond by suggesting he moves in, be absolutely adamant that this would not help.

I do want those things but I feel like I have waited so long that I'm a bit meh now.
My main worry is my dd if we end up splitting up - she adores him. It's taken so much work to help her get over the betrayal of what her own dad did to her and now I am contemplating destroying her world.

I love my boyfriend and I think he loves me but sometimes I feel like he's settling. Like it would be too much effort to break up and find someone else. We keep going over the same ground and things change for a few weeks and then we are back to the same thing.
What upsets me is that he can see I am drowning......I am clearly not really coping with everything that is expected of me at the mo. He hasn't once asked if I am ok or if there is anything he can do to help. When he mentions a problem my instinct is always to offer help or solutions.
I just feel really lost. He has withdrawn a lot of affection recently and when I ask what is wrong tells me nothing.

merryhouse I think you are probably right- I am bottom of the list of priorities all the time and I would like to be selfish and just think about me but that isn't really possible.

I do think a break would do us both good and maybe make him realise that I am not just saying stuff for the sake of it.

You sound quite frazzled which I totally understand. You want a life partner and he isnt that. Im not sure what you’re getting out of the relationship...

He doesn't love you OP. But since you asked the question, on it's own , no, love isn't enough

I guess its finding the words to explain that to him. I would like to give our relationship a chance at least......but I'm willing to walk away if things don't change.

Then I wonder if I'm being unreasonable with my expectations, after all they aren't his kids. I worry that I allow my stressful like to impact our relationship negatively. I sometimes think is it any wonder he is the way he is when he comes over and my house is a mess and I look like I've fallen out of a tree. There is very little time to make myself look pretty and recently ive prioritised sleep over my looks so I bung whatever clothes I can find on. Stick my hair in a ponytail and keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through the day.
I totally get that I need to work on myself, I'm on a waiting list for counselling. My ex was incredibly abusive and controlling and I've never really dealt with the effects of this.
After 6+ years I thought we'd be in a very different place to the one we are now. I try not to set my expectations on other people's relationship but equally we are both in our 30s so we should be hitting certain milestones. He doesn't want to move into my place and I cant move out of it or I'll lose a lot of money.

This has nothing to do with your DD.

This guy is nothing more than her Mum's grumpy, disinterested sometimes-around boyfriend. Don't confuse your feelings for hers and put the responsibility for this decision on her. She'll be better off without this grumpy twat swanning in and out, upsetting her Mum.

Also, I bet your energy and mental health both improve when you lose this idiot. His gross and intentionally obvious disinterest in you must have you on eggshells and your self esteem in the toilet.

I'm sorry to say this OP but it sounds like he wants out but doesn't have the bollocks to say it. So instead he just puts in the bare minimum and hopes you'll pull the plug so he can retain his self-image as "the good guy" (and can also get a no strings shag in the meantime)

Have the break OP. Make it 3 months. You have so much going on that it will take you a couple of weeks just to readjust and get used to it

Can I suggest a diary too? Only needs to be in note form. Start it now so you can compare how you felt with him and how you feel later

And no love isn’t enough. You need to be a team and feel your partner has your back and that you have theirs.

Op how old out your teens?

Really do not want to sound awful but if they plan to go to university consider how moving in a partner at this stage will effect their finances.

I'm struggling to see what you get from this at all?
He works nights, you work days, he won't live with you and the one evening a week you get to spend together, he sleeps on your sofa?

I don't think this is about your DD at all, her feelings etc. Do you think she enjoys seeing you as dejected as you sound.

You really need to take some time out for just you, put yourself first x

• are

I would want to be sure he was 100% committed to my DC before I moved any man in.

Student finances are based on total house income. I think this is a huge pressure on a relationship (especially if not his DC).

Also agree with others, what do you get out the relationship?

It sounds like you just have another child to look after OP, no wonder you're exhausted.

You need a break, and if the break makes you feel better, make it permanent. Don't go back for second helpings or he'll think he can get away with anything.

It doesn't sound like a partnership, you'd get more support from a dog... You know what you have to do.

Hi OP. You said in one of your comments you go over the same ground and things change for a while and then revert back.

When you have those conversations does he agree with the issues? How much responsibility for the situation does he take? Does he suggest resolutions or is it always you?

I can understand your concern for your daughter due to their close relationship but equally, at the moment she is seeing an unhappy mum who is settling for a one sided relationship that has no elements of a partnership. Long term your happiness and you modelling that those kinds or relationships are not something that's normal or to be put up with or settled for, will have the biggest and most positive impact for her.

Good luck op.

It's actually easier to face life and its struggles on your own, than with a partner who could help but doesn't.

I think you need to stop and see if there's a way you can make your life easier, not factoring him in.

You complain of a messy house - you also have teenagers. Get them to help with the tidying, cleaning or washing. Honestly you’d be surprised at how much that’ll help you. They’re old enough to be doing chores around the house and you’ll be teaching them something worthwhile.

Write a list of the things that need doing round the house and who is doing what, stick it on the fridge and tell them to tick the jobs off as they’re done. Knowing you can come home from work and have an hour on the sofa is much better then knowing you’ve gotta come home from work and instantly start with the washing and hoovering etc

As for your relationship - it’s tricky. However if you aren’t happy then definitely take a break. You sound burnt out and you need to start putting yourself first

Look he isnt adding value to your life. Just end it. If he did promise to change his attitude, what good is that?! It just means he had to be told how to be a decent boyfriend, not that he actually isnor will be.

Thank you for all of the advice. It was really good to get some outside perspective.
Had a really busy day today and ended up bursting into tears on my son this morning because I simply didn't know how I was going to fit everything in today and that it's supposed to be my day off. I composed myself and went out to drop my dd to a party......ran a few errands and upon my return ds had cleaned the house from top to bottom. He's done a spectacular job and I feel so grateful. I really needed some help.

I'm going to get all my jumbled thoughts down on paper and see if I can make some sense of them. My bf has some time off over Christmas so I'm hoping we will find some time to talk properly. I feel like I'm fighting a lot battles at the moment on my own and he is a good guy but perhaps this view of himself has actually clouded reality and what he should be contributing to our relationship. I have some really big things on my plate right now and he just often isn't interested. Ie renovations to my house partly so we will have more room for him to move in. This is all on me financially and I will do the work even if we aren't together but I get frustrated that he has no interest in it when it will have a positive impact on him in the future/if we ever decide go live together.
In terms of what I get, he's very funny and makes me laugh a lot although that can make it really hard to have a serious conversation as I always end up laughing and then it becomes a joke. We both enjoy good food so eat out a lot (that has not helped with my weight gain)

We have had this discussion many times and he agrees that the problems in our relationship aren't ideal but nothing seems to change. I feel like I have made a lot of sacrifices for him but he's still living the life of riley.
My best friend came over tonight and started talking about engagement rings so I'm petrified he's got that on his mind and has asked her to find put what I want. I'd love to marry him but not when things are like this. Christmas has caused so much additional stress and once again it's all on me. I just don't think he gets it.

I should also add I'm feeling really negative towards him at the mo. He has a lot of very positive attributes and has been amazing at times in the past especially with my dd who was really ill last year.
I'm just tired of feeling like I'm fighting life's battles alone. I want us to be a team. I dont want his double life to continue. I'm lucky if I get any social interaction with friends once a month. He goes to the pub every Friday. I'd also add it's always me who brings this stuff up. He has never pulled me aside and said "I'm really struggling with this aspect of our relationship" so I end up feeling like the bad guy or that I am being unreasonable. I feel like my judgement is just completely useless at the moment.

I agree with the advice to give yourself a break from this relationship, OP, and just focus on yourself and your DC. Your DP might be funny and lovely sometimes, but he's an extra responsibility atm, not a supportive partner. You simply don't have the energy, time and head space to take on another person right now!

It's telling that your lovely DS recognised that you're struggling and cleaned the house - but your DP doesn't seem to. Your DS clearly loves you and wants to help you, but your DP perhaps not so much? Or is he just v. selfish?

Anyway, I'd tell him that you both need some space to see whether you relationship is really meant to be. You might feel less frazzled without him, or he might be horrified at the thought of losing you and really step up.