Is love enough?

[LemonCakeCat]

I have been in a relationship for 6+ years with my bf. We don't live together, I have 2 teenagers but would have happily had him move in years ago- he gets on really well with the kids and they see him as a father figure.
I'm beginning to feel really unhappy in the relationship- but I am not really sure why or how to articulate it.
He works nights so this has quite an effect on the relationship- I have always been really supportive of this. He comes over for dinner in the evenings and then goes off to work. It effects his moods, he gets quite grumpy. He earns really good money doing nights and so he doesn't want to give this up by moving on to days.
He doesn't sleep well on the weekends so the 1 night of the week we have the chance to sleep in a bed together usually ends up with him on the sofa watching TV. The rest of the time he stays at his house.

Sometimes it feels like he has a DIY family at the ready when he wants to be a family man and a bachelor pad when he wants to be a single guy.
I think a lot of my problems fall on feeling resentful - I work full time and also run a business from home which can be quite time consuming. On top of that I have to run the house, deal with all the kid stuff, and all the other hurdles life throws at you. My kids don't see their own dad and he doesn't pay a penny for them ( The CSA have been useless in helping with that but I have persisted in chasing it for the principle of it)
I don't have much of a social life and most of my friends have got bored of me never having time/money/a babysitter so don't bother with me anymore.
I am shattered.....this has gone beyond physical tiredness now. My head is so full of things that need to be done. I've a list of chores as long as my arm that I have no idea when I will manage to get done. My health is dreadful, I have put on a ridiculous amount of weight in the time we have been together and now the cracks are beginning to show. My body is f**ked. My mental health isn't too great either.
I really could use his help more- he refers to the kids as his/ours when we talk about them and he genuinely loves them but a lot of the time I get the feeling he thinks "they're your kids, your problem"
Sometimes when I ask for help he rolls his eyes or he'll say yes but clearly is put out. It just makes me wish I hadn't asked for his help then. I feel frustrated that after 6 years I am still struggling away on my own and think perhaps we both need to re-evaluate what we want from this relationship. I am thinking of getting Christmas out of the way and then telling him that I want a break for a few weeks. Equally I don't want that to spark a knee jerk reaction of him suddenly wanting to move in/get married. If that stuff happens one day I want it to happen because he wants it, not because he thinks he has to- equally it might never happen.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense. my brain is so full of stuff and I don't feel like people in real life give balanced advice. Everyone seems to judge me and then use it against me at a later date.

Just wanted a bit of advice if anyone could help.

We were supposed to go Christmas food shopping together this morning and he's still not turned up- I kind of knew he'd do that. Just disappointed that I was right.
I haven't seen him all weekend and i know that if I say anything he'll just say "we've both got time off over Christmas, we can spend time together then"

I'm writing this all down because I will need to read it all back before I confront him. I'm not going to do it before Christmas because that would be really upsetting for the kids.....I actually wouldn't be that bothered. I'm really fed up with the situation now. He will claim its because he couldn't sleep but I'm at the point where he's choosing his job and money over our relationship and I've put up with it for too long. I see no benefits what so ever from his job. I struggle financially running a house on my wages and trying to pay for other bits that crop up, I manage on the money I earn, he could manage on less too! He earns nearly 3x's what I do and his outgoings are less.
Cant even be bothered to call and see where he is. I'm going to take myself for a coffee and get the last bits of food.

As an update he just messaged me and said he's ill. I dont buy it and I'm just going to ignore him and get on with my day. He was supposed to be having the kids tomorrow whilst I work. I've sorted alternative arrangements. Feel like I cant rely on anyone

I'd pop over at some point unannounced to see how he is. Act concerned etc

Sorry to play devil's advocate here... but you talk a lot about how you are needing help, how grateful you were he cleaned your house, how he helped when your daughter was ill etc.

What do you bring to the party from his point of view? Appreciate we don't have every fact, but you are the one parenting kids solo with the busy life that entails through your life choices. He doesn't bring any kids to the equation. And I presume he also has his own property to clean also that you make no mention of helping him with?

It's easy for the posters on here to say 'he's a twat, get rid of him, he's obviously not supporting you etc' and maybe they're right.
But maybe that would suit him also and he'll meet someone who runs their daily life without needing so much support bring drawn from another person.

Sorry to say it, but when things aren't great in life, the first place to start is often the mirror.

Just because he is a great guy you get along with doesn’t make him a good partner.

They are two different things entirely and shouldn’t be confused.

Love is enough, but you're focusing on the wrong person. What's important is how much you love yourself, and is it enough to put yourself first?

alwaysmovingforwards do you know how hard it is being a single parent? I work full time and I run a separate business on the evenings and weekends. (I always do it after he has left in the week and keep it to a minimum on the weekends so that it doesn't intrude on our relationship)
I dont ask for handouts.My ex contributes nothing towards the children. No money. No practical help. Most days I feel like I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other to get through it....only to repeat it the next day. It's not a case of poor "life choices" my children's father was abusive towards us all. He decided he wasn't cut out to be a parent and left.
I work bloody hard to make sure my kids are provided for. What would you have me do?
As for what I bring to the relationship, I cook him dinner every night, I wash his clothes that he keeps here. I arrange our summer holidays. I always make sure we have date nights or that we go away on little trips on our own at weekends.
It's not a case of needing support. It's a case of him pulling his weight which after 6 years I dont think is unreasonable.

I am going to tell him after Christmas that we need time apart. It will give me time for myself and him time to decide what he wants from our relationship.....if he wants out then it should make it a lot easier for him.

Sounds like he is comfortable with the life he has. I don't know if he will change if you take a break.

You're certainly not happy and I don't blame you. You're not asking for much from him. Just to be a partnership and that's what you deserve.
Good luck.

Hi OP

It sounds like you are not any better off than if you were not in a relationship in terms of emotional and practical support.

He doesnt want to change his job to a more family friendly one, he doesnt seem to mind going out enjoying himself while you struggle, you only see him once a week (as often as he sees his other friends in the pub), he doesn't want to move in and has no plans to in the future even though you're renovating your house and he is showing no interest in the renovations.

It sounds like he is happy with the way his life is at the moment. I may be wrong but to me it sounds like you want a partnership and for him to be a proper part of your family with shared responsibility for the house, chores, kids, life admin etc. And he wants a girlfriend to go out and have fun times with. It just doesn't sound like you're on the same page. I guess you can talk to him again but I'm not sure that he can change and start to want those things

ooooh the thing is he says he does want a family life. At one point he was talking about us trying for a baby (this is firmly not on the agenda now. I couldn't think of anything worse) but this was his suggestion.
He also doesn't have the most riveting social life.....it involves the pub....the pub and the pub. The rest of the time he's just hanging out at his house.

I guess what he says and does are 2 different things

alwaysmovingforwards my son cleaned the house not my bf

Hi OP, like most of the other posters I would say that the relationship isn't adding value to your life.

Its great that he has been good to your daughter, but that shouldn't commit you to more years of a sub-standard relationship.

A relationship should mean someone who engages with you. They dont have to fix all your troubles, but they should give some emotional support or joy. This man isn't cutting it.

OP.
you are clearly struggling and it is so tough being a single parent. However, at 6 years of a clearly serious relationship, I would be expecting more of a step parent type relationship with your bf and your children.
It sounds like your bf is just another child for you to look after without releasing any of the burden.

As for day to day running of the house, it’s great your DS helped by cleaning the house. My suggestion is, particularly at this time of year and being a solo parent, your children are teenagers and can be helping more round the house too (unsure how much they already do, as I know this wasn’t really the point of your post). But it’s your kids household too.

Hi op

Does he contribute towards shopping or bills for his washing at all?

@LemonCakeCat ok fair enough, you've given more details and sorry I misread the bit about who cleaned the house.

Anyway, bottom line is a relationship should enhance life not add stress, if he's a cocklodger then sack him off after Christmas.